I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

@YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators

This thread just shows how low the expectations are of men. "Bum man", "boob man" I just tried to picture myself breaking down and crying in front of DP as I "have a thing for big chins" and him accepting me as a "chin woman" and feeling low about it.

Everything in your relationship sounds like you doing stuff for him, pleasing him, wanting to be absolutely perfect & desirable to him depending on his changing tastes (since big arses weren't alk that important to him before presumably - if it was so important to him why didn't he get involved with a woman with a big arse?

Everything's about him.

It sounds like a totally unequal relationship dynamic.

Doing but exercises 4 times a day?!

And you have three kids, and he does fk all around the house (cause you let him)?
Fuck no.

@MakemeaCake

I posted this once and will do so again.

YOU ARE ECV AND YOUR H REFUSES TO HAVE THE VACCINE

SO HE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU DIE.

How important is the size of your bum in the grand scheme of things?

FGS , get some perspective and get out of this abusive marriage.

This OP - I apologise if I didn't take this seriously enough. I strongly agree with @MakemeaCake that the fact that he will not get vaccinated when you are CEV and housebound because of it, is far more telling. The comments about your arse show his insensitivity (and are a little odd to be accompanied by crying on his behalf tbh), but surely him avoiding the vaccine is a sign on not caring on a far greater scale?

Is he gay?

@ZednotZee

Trying very hard not to burst in to song right now.

You know the one...

OP, this is ridiculous.

Bum bum bum bum-

Esso Blue!

I know you are all right. My happiness shouldn’t be about how he finds me attractive or not. He is far far than perfect believe me, he thinks he is gods gift though.
We were sat talking for 6 hours trying to save the relationship, it was the end of the conversation he made the bum comment and burst into tears. Said he knew he was a horrible person and so shallow but it is the way he feels, all whilst sobbing and looking to be to make him feel better!!!
He just isn’t the same with me anymore which leaves me feeling insecure. We are always falling out and making up. We are both unhappy.
I just want him to look at me like he used to and know he loves me. Yes he says it all the time but they are just words, he doesn’t act it when we are together which is also very confusing.
I am putting up with all of this because I want it to work and is both be happy - I love him. We have built a life together and have 3 kids who would be devastated if he went.

OP lives in a big house and from her post I gather that her husband is fairly wealthy and she sees her role as being the beautiful wife on his arm.

She looks after the house and keeps herself pretty for him. It’s hard to figure out where the kids fit in.

That said, it’s OP’s life and her choices. She is choosing to make her appearance and that bum issue dominate her life.

The house was mine before we met. I do work part time from home, I have a very stressful demanding job. It isn’t that he is wealthy, far from it.
He squanders money, he will never have any, I save.

would be devastated if he went.

They'll see him, it wouldbe a new setup/dynamic.

Sorry I'm not sure, are you married?

If do you'd probably get to stay in house, get half all assets, half pension.... you'll get child maintenance, possibly UC.

If he wants to leave his wife and family in its current form cause he's got a Brazilian butt fixation (that didn't matter to him when he got involved with you abd committed) then.....

Leg him see what life is like when he makes relationship and life choices based on body parts.

You could be comfortable, and sooner or later have a relationship and good sex life with a man who doesn't have a fixation on big arses.

The house was mine before we met.

Now I hope you aren't married to this shallow porn user.

It sounds like you have serious self esteem issues, and that maybe your proud yourself of being the hot housewife, hence why this had knocked you so much.

What were you talking about during those 6 hours? It’s a long time for him to then randomly break down in tears and say he likes big bums. I can’t help but wonder if you were grilling him on whether he finds you attractive or your sex life, which is why he broke down and told you he would have sex more if you had a bigger bum. It’s a very extreme reaction on his part which is why the context of what happened is very very relevant.

He likes big bums, so what? He still has sex with you, you had a loved up phase after than conversation, he told you he likes your bum and things were well. It sounds like you have been obsessed about bums since, hence doing bum exercises 4 times a day (which won’t make your bum any bigger, just toned). You also say you have brought it up 3 or 5 times since, although it is likely more considering you questioned him on bums whilst watching a film together.

To be honest, if I was in his shoes, I would be really frustrated at regularly being questioned about bums, because I once said I like big bums. So his reaction isn’t extreme when you’re always bringing it up. It isn’t healthy to be so obsessed.

You value your self worth on your looks. That needs to change. You need to get your confidence back and your independence back. Only from there will you feel happier in your marriage.

I pay for holidays, house renovations etc not him. He isn’t tight with money but wastes it. Around the time of his nasty comment I found out he spent thousands on xrp. When confronted he said his money is to do whatever he wants with, none of my business. Kept it from me because he knew I wouldn’t be happy!

@Nivealove you do realise that men can be turned on by bums without being gay...? What a ridiculous question!

I have a very stressful demanding job.

Even more so then .. why are you doing everything around the house and with the kids?!

He squanders money, he will never have any, I save.

This man isn't sounding like quality relationship material, on a no of fronts.

Not sure why he's such a prize.

You have Daughters aged 15, I dread to think what you're teaching them about body image and relationships.

The vaccine issue seems to be more evidence of how submissive you are to this man but I don't think we can blame him if you're giving him this "you are everything to me, you validate me, I live just to service you" attitude.

You say you've thought about leaving him? How are you going to leave the house without him telling you that you're worthy of doing that?

This isn't hard on you because we're a bunch of bullies, this is hard on you because you've placed a man in the role of doing what you are supposed to do for yourself.

It's been 13 years with him, he doesn't hate your body and I can honestly say that after six hours of 'discussing' your issues in the relationship, in his shoes, I would have made up any old shit just to shut you up.
Reality is, a partners insecurities are really hard to deal with, we're not supposed to say that. But it's true.

Get some bloody counselling and learn some self confidence/assertiveness skills rather than wasting your time trying to build up your gluteus maximus for a man who really doesn't give a shit about your arse size.

@Workinghardeveryday

I pay for holidays, house renovations etc not him. He isn’t tight with money but wastes it. Around the time of his nasty comment I found out he spent thousands on xrp. When confronted he said his money is to do whatever he wants with, none of my business. Kept it from me because he knew I wouldn’t be happy!

He is just sounding words and worse.

So his money is his, but your money is fine to pay for family holidays and house renovations (which he benefits from if you split and are married).

Are you married, sorry if I missed it.

When confronted he said his money is to do whatever he wants with, none of my business

He's right, you've placed yourself in the role of housekeeper, sex giver, childcarer. Why should he discuss anything important with you?

How did you not notice he wasn't saving?

Why did you not put your foot down? Why are you not leaving over his refusal to vaccinate?

It's been 13 years? you've had plenty of time to leave him. You've had plenty of time to say "No".

As a PP said you need to look into co-dependancy. Do it. Because because NOTHING will improve while you're desperately hoping he starts drooling over your body like a teenager.

He cried because he loves big bums so much and wishes you would have bum surgery so he would want to fuck you more? Fucking hell, OP. Imagine your sister or best friend telling you what you've just told us. What advice would you give?

This OP - I apologise if I didn't take this seriously enough. I strongly agree with @MakemeaCake that the fact that he will not get vaccinated when you are CEV and housebound because of it, is far more telling. The comments about your arse show his insensitivity (and are a little odd to be accompanied by crying on his behalf tbh), but surely him avoiding the vaccine is a sign on not caring on a far greater scale?

This ^^ refers to my post about your H ( can't bring myself to call him 'dear' FGS)

My DH is clinically vulnerable.

We have both been vaccinated of course but in addition to that I have limited my social mixing so as to protect him in case I end up infected but asymptomatic.

I cannot believe your H is putting you at risk of Covid by going to work, mixing and not being vaccinated.

I am sure you are vaccinated but the fact you are still isolated and not seeing your friends or family shows you are still worried and feel vulnerable.

You are in an abusive marriage.

Please take steps to leave and also get therapy for yourself, to help your self-worth.

I am sorry but you are being a complete doormat.

And as others have said, what kind of dreadful lesson are your daughters getting?

Sure, you live in a big house with thick walls so you think your teens are unaware of these issues.

But do you honestly think those thick walls are shielding them from the truth of your marriage issues and how you behave as a woman?

All you are showing them is how to live under the thumb of an abuser and accept it as all you are worth.

Agree there's self esteem and martyr and "must be perfect woman" issues going on here too.

My h likes bigger busts than mine, I know this.

He said it diplomatically but I knew that my looks were 80% there for him.in terms of ideal, he'd prefer taller with larger bust.

The thing is ... I like wide shoulders and narrow hips on men, and he doesn't have that. He's not my modelly ideal looks either.

I don't care either way.

He compromised a bit in looks with he, I did likewise.

The overall picture was more important.

I wouldn't be getting augmentation and I don't really care.

Also I used to watch a lot of porn and normal men's dicks appear really quite small compared to porn actors ...
That's porn. Its not real life. Its not about a rounded partner, looks and qualities. Porb actors and actresses are chosen for physical features abd often have surgery on them.

Sorry but this is really childish. Who cares if he likes big bums. He’s been with you 13 years, it obviously hasn’t bothered him that much. Sounds like you’ve really overreacted and are pushing him away over something trivial.

@Hillary17

Sorry but this is really childish. Who cares if he likes big bums. He’s been with you 13 years, it obviously hasn’t bothered him that much. Sounds like you’ve really overreacted and are pushing him away over something trivial.

He was neglecting their sex life for porn by the sounds of it.

He does nothing around house.

He's, shit nd selfish with money.

He thinks his money is his - in a family with a partner and 3 kids.

He exploits op financially.

The ass thing is rather by the by.

Oh and he's not gone and got vaccinated in spite of op being vulnerable.

Op, if you're married, the longer you're married, the more of your house he's going to get in a divorce.

He sounds very emotionally abusive. Different scenario but my husband would cry because I wouldn’t give blow jobs, he new from the start about my reasons. But every so often I would sit and ask why he never helped me and spoke to me so badly and he would eventually break down crying telling me it was because I wouldn’t give him a bj. If I gave him one he would treat me better he would help me etc etc. He told me something was wrong with me absolutely destroyed my self esteem and when I picked up on it he would use this to knock me down as he knew it hurt me greatly. It sounds like yours is picking something that hurts you, like me has you turning to yourself instead of looking outward for the problem. You will need to leave him.

Never mind the bum issue, him not having the vaccine when you are CEV?! Really not on at all. It wouldn't be so bad if he were wfh but clearly isn't.