DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

If he doesn't understand then I would start being very loud. Lots of hoovering, very loud music, invite friends and their kids around. Get them to make noise.

Can't you just get him to agree to one day in the office, rather than must go in 4-6 times in next 3 weeks, which seems quite a lot very suddenly.

Say bettie wants to breastfeed and doesn't want to in front of anyone. Or show you her Caesarian scars.

But not sure you have explained even how the conversation goes after "I don't mind them coming when I am here"

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

Tell him it doesn't matter that he doesn't mind your friends being here - it bothers YOU that he is here while your friends are here as you would like some time with your friends, in your home, during your break, to chat freely whilst he is not around. It's really not that hard to understand - and if he refuses to even try then he's a selfish arse. Remind him that you have worked away from the home throughout whilst he has enjoyed the comfort of working from home. It's a perfectly reasonable request.

*for context I recently (when restrictions lifted) had a party for my friends in the garden and even though we weren't using the house my dh took the dc's round to his parents for the evening as he understood my need to let my hair down with my mates. That's what decent partners do - they compromise occasionally to try and make the other one happy.

But I see you are still refusing to tell us exactly what your husband has said when you have asked him to sod off out for the day.

Comments like this baffle me especially when I am the one accused of a ‘fight club.’

The whole point of the thread is that when I have raised it he has refused, saying that it doesn’t matter if my friends get loud / I walk into his office 100000 times a day to go to the kitchen / someone is breastfeeding.

I have already apologised for any offence caused but I do think you are taking it where none is meant. To rent an air bnb would be costly and involve overnight stays. I’m honestly not sure why saying this has caused such a snappy answer twice.

And I will politely point out here I’m not posting in AIBU. I’m posting in relationships and people tend to come here in times of trouble.

I am fortunate. I am not a victim of abuse or violence and that’s good.

Nonetheless I can’t pretend my relationship is perfect. My partner is a decent and kind man but he has behaved like a thoughtless arse on a number of occasions over the past eight months or so and unfortunately they do clock up and lead to resentment and frustration.

People posting that YABU (in relationships) because I am weary of DIY when I am trying to sleep and feeling unable to use my home as a home during the day because of it are missing the point, really. Part of a good relationship is being considerate of your partners needs and that is what is missing. So every time I have to go out and trail the streets again a bit of resentment builds and it’s a tiny bit, almost imperceptible, but after very many months, it isn’t a tiny bit at all. And I do bitterly resent the fact he has decided to go back to the office one day a week as from next month, when I am back at work.

@wetsummersundays

Lost as to what the demands are as to what is wanted from the thread. There are some brilliant suggestions (and some mad ones!) - if they don’t work it isn’t the posters fault.

When I say accommodating I simply mean I have tried to be considerate of DPs needs. That is all.

Stop being considerate of his needs. He's not affording you that courtesy.

If his working space is open to where you and your friends would be, do something tacky like hang a sheet or similar over the opening to form a physical barrier when friends are coming over. Start with the most thick-skinned friends first though.

I Understand your wish to reclaim your home occasionally but I don’t think you can insist. There’s a pandemic out fhere.

Have you tried exploring with him why he doesn’t want to return to the office? Is it inconvenience, health concerns, cost, shorter days, something else? At my office we currently have to have a good reason to be in.

Once you know his reasons you then have something to work with in constructing your argument.

Thing is, all there is, is to talk to him about it (with varying degrees of bluntness and insistence).

If he simply won't listen to you or consider what you want, then you're stuffed really.

And frankly if he's like that about this, I presume he's very self centred about lots of things? And your marriage is probably very unbalanced and unfair. But you don't seem interested in discussing any other issue, so there's nowhere to go with this.

It's frustrating for you, I'm sure, it's frustrating for us because you just seem to be here to rant about it.

Do you have DCs?
I imagine not from your thread. I LOOOOOooovE having time without DH - it hardly ever happens (retired) and it's because he can be a moaning pia, so brings you down when you are in a normal happy mood, he can make small digs (passive aggressive) about petty things such as loudly moving the magazines I was reading across the table when he sits down rather than just sliding them away, patting my backside as he passes me etc etc Unfortunately I am too old to move on, health and age issues so stuck with him, if I was you I'd leave.

@category12

Thing is, all there is, is to talk to him about it (with varying degrees of bluntness and insistence).

If he simply won't listen to you or consider what you want, then you're stuffed really.

And frankly if he's like that about this, I presume he's very self centred about lots of things? And your marriage is probably very unbalanced and unfair. But you don't seem interested in discussing any other issue, so there's nowhere to go with this.

It's frustrating for you, I'm sure, it's frustrating for us because you just seem to be here to rant about it.

This is what I think too.

It all seems a bit pointless really. It doesn’t matter what any of us think. It’s all down to you talking to him.

You do know WFH is here to stay in a lot of companies, and it's probably where the future of a lot of office-based jobs are headed?

WFH has been thoroughly normalised and changed a lot of office workers' lives for the better. Many will opt not to return to the commute and there is no reason that they should. Many won't even have that option if their companies are shutting down physical offices, so anyone unhappy with the current state of affairs should have a think about what they'd do if WFH wasn't just a choice but a necessity.

It is highly unreasonable to demand that someone get out of their own house just because you can't stand their presence. There seem to be a lot of MNers who simply dislike being around their partners. I'm an introvert who needs to be alone to recharge but I cannot relate at all to hating your partner's presence so much that I need him to back to the office. We don't even have a big flat and it's perfectly possible to give each other space while both being in. And by and large having him around during lockdown was a really nice thing.

I've WFH for 15 years, unrelated to the pandemic, and have no intention to ever set foot in an office again. I'd be extremely put out if DP demanded that this change simply because he wanted the house to himself.

It's also perfectly possible to have friends over while someone else is working in the same house. I don't get how that would be awkward at all.

I empathise with the OP here, as I like to keep a gap between my friends and my relationship. Having partners along does change the dynamic.

I would never voice this to my wife though. I can just see how telling my wife I didn't want her there when meeting friends would go! Mumsnet would be all over me:

He's having an affair, he obviously doesn't love you, you should be the only friend he needs, what a bastard stealing family time/money/other I'll defined abstract to go see his mates etc

Do what men have been doing for generations, go to the pub or mutual social activity you enjoy. For me it means if one of my friends tells an off colourjoke or talks about the past, their wife etc I don't risk an earbashing or being told that friend is bad.

I really don't get why you can't just go to the pub? Have some food, a drink and you are all done for around 15-20 quid. I get the feeling your reasoning is really like mine - I am guessing you all want to moan about your husbands, comment o attractiveness of other men in media maybe?

And I do bitterly resent the fact he has decided to go back to the office one day a week as from next month, when I am back at work.

This is the first time you’ve said he’s going back into the office at all.

What happens when you tell him straight that you are uncomfortable and you’re starting to feel resentful?

By next holidays, this will be a non-issue, as hell have re-established a pattern of work outside the house. For the remainder of these holidays, arrange to meet friends at theirs or at a cafe/pub/restaurant, or a park or anywhere else. Or ask your DP to take the baby out to see his family/friends at a weekend when he’s not working so you can have the house to yourself.

For the relationships issue, figure out why you can’t seem to communicate your needs to him. Is it your communication or is it him deliberately not accommodating you. Address with him that you feel powerless because he treats the house as all his, rather than a family home. Start being honest, start asserting your needs.

He seems stubborn about not going into the office but you seem equally as stubborn about a lot of the other suggestions. Ultimately you can't force him to leave so you either get over it and just have your friends round and do what you usually do and ignore that he is there or you sit in the garden, go out for lunch, go to their horses etc if you're that bothered and honestly if my DH told me I had to leave my own home because he was having friends round I'd be annoyed.

Does it really not matter to him? Or is he saying it because he hasn't actually had to try to work through loud chat and laughter?

I'm just wondering if he experienced it (a lot, several days a week) would he see it differently. A hypothetical doesn't bother me is meaningless.

The only problem is that to explore this would mean a few weeks of you out of your comfort zone which you may not feel able to do. But if you could it would certainly test how genuine his 'wouldnt bother me' is.

It does seem that since you insist the situation can not be changed, because your husband won't go on to the office, I'm not sure what you expect from this thread. You have to compromise because he won't.

My DH has worked from home for many years. He doesn't have an office to go to as such but does occasional site visits etc. We have a large enough house that his office is well away from where I would entertain friends so that isn't an issue for me. But personally I prefer to go out to meet friends anyway (also work term times). We meet for walks, lunch, to visit a place of interest etc. It isn't that costly - if they aren't local, there might be a train fare / petrol. I might take a pack lunch rather than buy food out or we find a lunch place that does a cheap deal.

You're only talking about a few weeks now.

This sounds like a bigger issue coming to a head over this. I would feel the same and unable to relax - almost as if I was being watched and checked up on. It would stop my holidays being relaxing.
Could you speak honestly to him saying that your home has begun to feel like his office and you're uncomfortable. Ask him for his suggestions on how this could improve and take it from there.
You could suggest he builds an alternative work room in the garden for the long term but for the short term could you ask him to go to a local coffee shop for the afternoon or find some local hot desking or even the library if he absolutely will not go to the office. Make it clear you need this compromise but how he does it is up to him?
If he won't alter work plans. Make an arrangement with friends at the weekend/evening and tell him he must not be home.
Maybe he needs pushing back out into the real world and would get better balance once he's out there!

You're being very unfair - it's his house too. It sounds like you don't like him very much.

I think there needs to be a compromise. I understand he wants to WFH, and he’s entitled to do that, however you’re also entitled to some alone time with friends.

Could you maybe meet your friends at a pub or for coffee more often, but then occasionally he has to give you space to have someone over?

If he tells you there is no problem with your friends coming over when he’s there, then you need to tell him that just because it’s not a problem for him, doesn’t mean that it’s not a problem for you. He needs to understand there are two people in the relationship and you both have needs.

That’s quite an odd and rather unfair reading of the thread @category12

I am going to try and talk to him again but being realistic I think I will just get ‘but it doesn’t bother me. Carry on!’

He really doesn’t understand at all, and it’s hard to make people understand. And if he won’t then there’s not a lot he can do.

People saying YABU / it’s his house - I know. It isn’t about whether I’m wrong or right. I still feel as I do.

We do indeed have a child, which is why driving two hours is an added complication. And is why I have no money!

And of course I like him. He has many lovely qualities. He can however be thoughtless and inconsiderate and I tend to avoid conflict so will only voice it when it’s really bad and I recognise this is a fault on my part but at the same time I don’t want to be constantly on at someone especially in a 24/7 shared living space, so I bite my tongue over and over.

It is relationships. I am posting about an aspect of my relationship I am struggling with. Why do people have a problem with that?

Good luck OP. For what it's worth, I've avoided having people round while he's working for exactly the same reason.
He can't go back to the office at the moment but I'd certainly be working on it if I could!
It's about be and my friends not being able to relax, not whether he'd mind.

I am going to try and talk to him again but being realistic I think I will just get ‘but it doesn’t bother me. Carry on!’

He really doesn’t understand at all, and it’s hard to make people understand. And if he won’t then there’s not a lot he can do.

He doesn’t need to understand it. He just needs to respect your desire for some space.

However. You may not be reasonable to ask him to go into the office just because you’re home. Does he have lots of equipment WFH? Is it a long commute? Why can’t he give you space at the weekends and not in the working week? Are you in fact asking for something a bit unreasonable?

It’s fine to feel as you feel. It’s entirely reasonable to express this to him (forcefully if needed) and ask to work together on a solution.

It’s not reasonable to say “I must have this particular thing my way because I feel I must.”

You need to compromise, as does he. You need more effective communication.

It doesn’t matter if he says ‘it doesn’t bother me’ if you can reply ‘but it does bother me and I’m really feeling resentful about it. It may not be entirely rational but it’s how I feel.’

You’ve said it over and over on this thread - it’s how you feel, you want people (him) to respect that regardless of right or wrong.

So say it to him. You say he’s a good bloke. What’s the worst that can happen? He says ‘Yeah, but it doesn’t bother me,’ or ‘Yeah, but Sally could meet you at her house’ or ‘Yeah, but the spare bedroom is no good for my desk and wireless calling won’t work and etc’ and YOU say ‘But DP it’s about how I feel - I feel like this is not my home and you’re not respecting how I feel. I don’t want much, just a bit of time alone in the house/you not working in the living space. You don’t need to understand it you just need to work with me on a solution.’

This would drive me bonkers too OP but I don’t understand why you just can’t tell him directly that although he may not have a problem with it you do.

I get it OP. When I met my husband he had a social life. He went out with friends for nights out and weekends away. He worked full time out of the home. He also worked away for periods of time. The relationship worked because we were not joined at the hip.

I need time alone. I need it to feel normal. If I do not get time alone I feel stressed and anxious. This is just how I am.

If I had known that one day he would be working from home full time and never leaving the house at all then I probably would not have married him. This is not what I signed up for and I would never have agreed to living with someone who relies on me completely for all of his conversation.

I am hoping that eventually he will start seeing people again and going out but if something doesn't change very soon then I will be leaving. I just cannot live like this for much longer.