Can I make ex pay uni costs?

[tiredofthisshit21]

Wasn't sure where to post this. Looooong back story. Divorced 10+ years, ex is an abusive and controlling twat. DD18 is no contact with him. She's due to go to uni in Sept and due to my salary only qualifies for minimum maintenance loan. I have said I will give her x amount per month and that her dad needs to do the same. I've contacted him about it as she doesn't want to deal with him. Asked him just to set up a direct debit for the same amount as me. (He can more than afford it). He is ignoring messages and I'm worried that he won't contribute. I can't really afford to double what I'm paying. My question is, does he legally have to contribute?

My husband (DD's stepdad) has said he will help if need be so that we don't have to deal with ex. But I don't think he should be let off the hook like that. He hasn't paid maintenance in the last 2 years either.

It’s she’s potentially got a job already that’s fab and she will be seen as being v cool and independent by her friends. Also that money is hers, no strings, no hassles, no issues. Her Dad could well have been a pain in the arse and dropped funding at a moments notice.
Just be there for her at the end of the phone. You’re doing a great job OP!

Mine are 18 and 20. We’ve had some serious ups and downs along the way….some are still on going and will be for years to come. What I’ve learnt is that your own hard experience makes you humble and less quick to judge the lives of others. I avoid ‘perfect people’ and boasty perfect families….they’re bad for my mental health and cant grasp some of our challenges. Instead I have a wonderful support network of Cadbury’s Mishapes! 😁

@Lotusmonster

Mine are 18 and 20. We’ve had some serious ups and downs along the way….some are still on going and will be for years to come. What I’ve learnt is that your own hard experience makes you humble and less quick to judge the lives of others. I avoid ‘perfect people’ and boasty perfect families….they’re bad for my mental health and cant grasp some of our challenges. Instead I have a wonderful support network of Cadbury’s Mishapes! 😁

Yes....I do wonder if some of the negative and judgemental comments are coming from people who have zero experience of this kind of thing

My support comes in the form of wine... Maybe I should also charge the ex for the Virgin subscription (joking!)

OP, if you think he has stolen her inheritance money then take him to court. You have zero grounds to ask him to pay for her uni fees though. I am sure your daughter has good reasons, but from his perspective the situation is very simple: He doesn't have to pay. She doesn't talk to him so he doesn't want to pay. Perhaps the right approach is to tell your daughter exactly that.
Even a good person wouldn't want to pay for anyone's (adult) expenses if they have chose not to have any contact with them. Given that you described your ex as an abusive, controlling bastard what are the odds of him paying for anything?

I only earn just above the threshold for minimum. I wouldn't call myself a very high earner

Hmmm. DH and I earn just above the threshold for DC to get the minimum wage when you count both of us together. I would say you are definitely a high earner.

Giving your DD the maintenance loan to live on along with top ups from a job as well will mean she will have a LOT more money than most.

@Plumtree391

Not very nice, VenusSap.

Have you ever heard of trying to walk in someone else's shoes? If you can't imagine that, best to say nothing.

Of course I can and if you don’t want peoples input don’t post On a public forum. Not everyone’s going to agree with you. That’s life.

Having had a DC recently at university, I can say that most of them seemed to use the maintenance loan for accommodation (with a small parental top up if needed) and then they give them eg £200 a month for food and any money they earn from their job is theirs to spend as well.

If you are planning to give her the maintenance loan (£4200) to live off for the term time weeks, you’ve giving her double what many others will have! My advice would be to not do that if you say you can’t afford it. If you are earning £60/70k at least, single-handedly though, without even taking your new husband’s contribution to your household into account, I would guess you probably can afford it.

OK that's helpful @Howshouldibehave. Once her results are in tomorrow and we know where she's got in, what her accommodation costs are etc, we need to sit down and budget. I don't think the maintenance loan will be enough to cover her rent though.

Ii was thinking about this last night @tiredofthisshit21, simply on my mind as I have never seen such ludicrous responses.

What about if she deferred for a year? Unis are pushing this I believe, due to the pandemic? I could be wrong. But also, because of the pandemic it might be best to wait a year. This would buy you time to persue the court case at your own speed. DD could also carry on working and saving up a bit and relaxing after a stressful year!

Just what I think I would consider maybe (my goddaughter is in her 2nd year at Bristol and sofar it has been a waste of tuition fees and rent... she has been at home mostly, in her bedroom in Essex!) not the fun experience she had hoped for.

Best of luck to DD tomorrow

PS Wine is my support too! You couldn't make up what abusive men can end up doing to their ex wives and DDC's... it is criminal some of it.

If you daughter is only 18 aren't you still entitled to apply for child maintenance if she is still in full time education? You might not get it for long but at least you'd get something for her.
It sounds like a very unfair situation OP.

Thanks for thinking of me @BillieSpain, that's really kind. I don't think she'd want to defer to be honest - a lot of her friends have applied to the same uni and she's really looking forward to going. I will find the money from somewhere.

@waterwaterwine I am considering going to the CMS for at least the last 2 years backdated. Then if I get the money I can give it to her.

No obligation to pay as PPs have said

I would support her to be independent and not to ask him for anything! As frustrating as it is that would be a healthier direction for you and you DC

Please don’t listen to all the naysayers on here op. Both parents are legally obliged to support their children when in full time education in both England and Scotland. You can go to court to enforce (not within jurisdiction of CMS at this age). Get in touch with a family lawyer and ignore all the crackers nonsense about how a 18 year old student is expecting her father to “fund her lifestyle” by asking for basic maintenance

Op he absolutely is legally obliged to contribute. I knew a girl at uni who sued her father for maintenance. It sis anything but “grabby” to enforce your daughter’s father’s basic child maintenance obligations. Please do it as it is absolutely for her own good.

Schedule 1 of the children’s act in England as a pp said assuming you are in England.

Yes I'm in England - thanks.

Also the idea that a full time student of 18 should get a job so that their father can avoid paying the maintenance he is legally obliged to is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard.

No harm in her getting a part time job but it’s hardly feasible for her to support herself and study even if it was desirable. Which it isn’t.

Good luck with it op. Often wish I’d sued my own useless father instead of getting into student debt.

The irony of the situation is that a few years ago, before things turned very sour, he didn't want to her to have to work at all. He also didn't want her to get any student loans whatsoever, not even for tuition fees. He was trying to pressure me into paying half of everything. I suspect that was more about control of my money than out of any concern for his daughter though. He's definitely changed his tune now that we're almost at the stage of her actually starting Uni.

@CayrolBaaaskin

Op he absolutely is legally obliged to contribute. I knew a girl at uni who sued her father for maintenance. It sis anything but “grabby” to enforce your daughter’s father’s basic child maintenance obligations. Please do it as it is absolutely for her own good.

Schedule 1 of the children’s act in England as a pp said assuming you are in England.

Unfortunately he's not legally obliged. Morally he should definitely contribute, but there's no way he can be forced.

OP take a look at money saving expert - he does a while blog on this.

blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/09/how-much-are-parents-supposed-to-give-their-children-when-they-go-to-university/

I'm going to be contentious here. What I agree with you OP that he's clearly using this as a method of control, and he's obviously a massive cock, your daughter doesn't actually have to go to university. And if she really really wants to still, a full time course is barely 15 hours a week tutoring, so she would have plenty of time to get a job to support herself.

Almost all of the higher earners I know (myself included) didn't go down the traditional university route. Sure, some of us have gained qualifications through our careers, on the job, up to the highest levels but it essentially isn't what got us where we are today.

Having a job on her c.v. will make her 100 times more employable once she leaves uni than the swathes of other graduates who also had a 'parental funded piss up with a bit of studying for a few years'

I know it must be utterly infuriating that he's getting away with not contributing YET AGAIN, but, think longer term. Could it actually be better for her to get a job whilst studying?

@Treacletoots I've already said that she will get a job whilst studying, in fact she has one lined up. I just don't want her to have to work all hours. I didn't go to university either so I understand what you're saying. But I think the landscape is very different now to what it was 30 years ago (which was when I made the choice not to go). It's the norm, and it's a requirement for most careers. Also as a parent I want to support her in what she wants to do with her life.

I am considering going to the CMS for at least the last 2 years backdated

So you haven't even chased this up?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy not yet - no. Have been a little busy dealing with DD's poor mental health and to be honest I felt like it wasn't really worth the hassle. It's only now that he's being difficult about university costs that I feel like I want to bleed the fucker dry.

CMS won’t backdate payments. The payments start as of when you raise your claim.

Then if you fail to chase up non payment they only backdate it to three months and no longer.

Oh, ok. Really not worth pursuing then.