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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I make ex pay uni costs?

227 replies

tiredofthisshit21 · 07/08/2021 13:40

Wasn't sure where to post this. Looooong back story. Divorced 10+ years, ex is an abusive and controlling twat. DD18 is no contact with him. She's due to go to uni in Sept and due to my salary only qualifies for minimum maintenance loan. I have said I will give her x amount per month and that her dad needs to do the same. I've contacted him about it as she doesn't want to deal with him. Asked him just to set up a direct debit for the same amount as me. (He can more than afford it). He is ignoring messages and I'm worried that he won't contribute. I can't really afford to double what I'm paying. My question is, does he legally have to contribute?

My husband (DD's stepdad) has said he will help if need be so that we don't have to deal with ex. But I don't think he should be let off the hook like that. He hasn't paid maintenance in the last 2 years either.

OP posts:
sixpencenonethepoorer · 08/08/2021 16:03

@Fullofglee

Plenty of students get jobs to help and don't rely on parents, alot of them don't even do full time hours and have a full summer off unless, she's doing nursing which I did then it was full time 40plus hours a week with a portfolio a s course work and exams, we only 3 weeks off in the summer.
This misses the point completely. It's not about whether she should get a job (she is going to) - it's about the fact that her dad has behaved appallingly, not paid a penny towards her since she was 16, and left her in a state of very poor mental health.

While mum has scooped her up, picked up the pieces and carried on.

Justmeandme19 · 08/08/2021 16:59

Even with a court order, he still needs to be willing to pay it. If he refused you would need to take him back to court to inforce it. Even then its long winded actually getting any money. Even if you get the money, the whole process may well be more stressful than its worth.
The prospect of the process damaging your daughters mental health further is also something to consider. It's not fair not one bit. I havnt received any child maintenance for my 2 children for a long time. Also have court orders telling him to pay me money for court proceedings. I've not seen any of it. With the children being young I've got years of no payments. I've made peace with it though. He's not a very nice person (he's not allowed to see the children, as per the court order). I'm just relieved he's out of our lives.
Let go of the anger (I know its hard). Judt enjoy a peacful life with your daughter.

SmokeyDevil · 08/08/2021 19:28

@VenusSap

Well would rather be considered grabby than a pushover I guess. Smile Fact is, this twat hasn't contributed towards his daughter ever, stole from her and left her so depressed she wanted to kill herself. But I guess that's OK to some people.

VenusSap · 08/08/2021 19:44

[quote SmokeyDevil]@VenusSap

Well would rather be considered grabby than a pushover I guess. Smile Fact is, this twat hasn't contributed towards his daughter ever, stole from her and left her so depressed she wanted to kill herself. But I guess that's OK to some people.[/quote]
Well don’t moan that the OP isn’t grabby then 😂 when she is.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 08/08/2021 20:35

@VenusSap I'm glad my situation amuses you. I'm not finding it very funny..

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 08/08/2021 20:38

Not very nice, VenusSap.

Have you ever heard of trying to walk in someone else's shoes? If you can't imagine that, best to say nothing.

omgthepain · 08/08/2021 21:02

I used to work in a university and the amount people get is based on the parent they live with and anything from "the other parent" is a bonus, if they choose to Contribute after the age of 18

I think (from speaking with ex colleagues in the university field)
More kids are choosing to go to a local university and live at home to cut out huge amounts of rent for actually only being required to be there afew messily hours a week and god forbid another pandemic -
More online learning from your bedroom!!

I'd consider a more local university so she can live at home or for her to get a job

Employers favour students who live locally too as they're available all year round to work and don't go home for huge long holidays

Lotusmonster · 08/08/2021 21:46

Good luck OP…you sound like a top mum 🙂

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 08/08/2021 22:00

@Lotusmonster

Good luck OP…you sound like a top mum 🙂
Thank you 😊
OP posts:
SarahDarah · 08/08/2021 22:01

@girlmom21

She's an adult and chooses to be no contact with him but expects him to fund half her lifestyle?

Come on, OP....

This. You cant have it both ways.

A normal loving father would contribute towards his child but if he's abusive he is unlikely to see himself as the cause for the rupture of his relationship with his daughter. So there's no point trying to reason with him. Also don't moan about him @tiredofthisshit21 to your daughter, you'll only cause additional stress to her.

SarahDarah · 08/08/2021 22:06

@NailsNeedDoing

Your dd’s maintenance loan is calculated based on your household income, so if you have declared what your husband is earning, then he is expected to contribute. Her real father isn’t expected to contribute at all, only the earning adults she lives with. Wrong, but it is what it is. This is why I can’t live with my partner while my dc are still at uni.
@tiredofthisshit21 this is absolutely true. Because her dad's income wouldn't have been factored in, your daughter would have been eligible for grants (I.e. free money) if it was just you she was living with. Your choice to live with a new man is what has actually caused your daughter to lose out. If your new husband's income has meant she's not eligible for this help then the fair thing is for you/him to cover the amount she's lost out on.
Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 08/08/2021 22:11

Actually my salary alone means she only gets minimum. Absolutely nothing to do with my husband. But the calculator doesn't take household outgoings into account. Plus the fact that my husband is supporting his own son through uni. The system is fucked.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 08/08/2021 22:15

@tiredofthisshit21

Actually my salary alone means she only gets minimum. Absolutely nothing to do with my husband. But the calculator doesn't take household outgoings into account. Plus the fact that my husband is supporting his own son through uni. The system is fucked.
So you personally earn the best part of £70k without taking your husband’s earnings into account?
frazzledasarock · 08/08/2021 23:13

Minimum amount is dependant on where the university is.

SarahDarah · 08/08/2021 23:13

@tiredofthisshit21 that can't be right. As @Howshouldibehave says, you must be a very high earner yourself for that to be true that she'd only get the minimum loan and no grants. If you have that much money you would not need your ex to contribute unless your DD has chosen unnecessarily expensive accommodation.

If the effect of your ex's behaviour has sadly got to the point that your DD was feeling suicidal you absolutely must NOT involve her dad with anything at all, unless she specifically asks you to. She's an adult and you must respect her decisions. It was wrong of you to undermine her decision and contact him to ask for uni money as this will obviously trigger abusive/controlling behaviour against your DD (which it clearly has done) and cause her more unnecessary stress and potentially trigger more bad mental health.

The fact you even contacted him to ask for the momey despite knowing his behaviour over the years shows you're refusing to understand how abuisive/controlling people work. I expect you did it with good intentions but as many posters have said, what on earth did you expect. Confused If he was going to help, he would have done it of his own volition in the first place. You've played right into his hands and you're only facilitating him to continue emotionally abusing your daughter. On top of that he's successfully got you wound up and angry and no doubt spreading this negative and toxic energy to your DD. I'm sure youre also complaining about him to your husband too. I really hope you're not sounding off about him to your DD as this will.only rub in how much of a let down he is to her and cause her distress she absolutelydoes not need. This is how abusive people work. You're still letting your ex control you and create a toxic atmosphere.

Also, continuing to interfere, even with good intentions, will make your DD feel less in control of her own life and won't help her mental health either. You need to just stop and disengage and focus on the positive in your own lives.

Howshouldibehave · 08/08/2021 23:25

@frazzledasarock

Minimum amount is dependant on where the university is.
It’s dependent on whether the student lives at home or away or is studying in/out of London.

My DC gets the minimum loan and we give £200 a month for food. How much were you planning to give your DD each month, @tiredofthisshit21

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 09/08/2021 07:55

@SarahDarah if you read my original post properly you'll see that SHE ASKED me to contact him so that she wouldn't have to deal with him. She has him blocked.

I was planning on paying half her rent, then she could live off maintenance loan, topped up by work. I only earn just above the threshold for minimum. I wouldn't call myself a very high earner.

OP posts:
Lotusmonster · 09/08/2021 08:19

@SarahDarah…I just want to step in here and say your posts read as extremely judgmental and unfair of the OP. She is trying to find resources for her DD to pursue her higher Ed. She was probably the one who organised therapy for her daughter. To imply that she should not in someway not start a new life with a second relationship in order to protect her daughters higher education funding is just frankly very naive. Of course you should move on. She is not in anyway to blame, the system is just really grossly unfair. It is universally known that the law as it stands on using an overall household income and blended family situations is grossly unfair. To top it all she is trying to contend with difficult abusive man with a history of not doing the right thing. Why are some posters hanging this poor woman out to dry?!!! Good luck to you Op, I say pursue every avenue that you think is right against this ex-husband without causing further damage to yourself or your daughter.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 09/08/2021 08:28

@Lotusmonster thanks....I don't understand why I'm getting a hard time either. Can you imagine if my ex posted:

'My ex wife is trying to get my to contribute towards our daughter's university education. I can well afford it but I chose to be a twat and buy my step daughter a car instead. How cheeky is she, I think I'm totally reasonable.'

OP posts:
Lotusmonster · 09/08/2021 08:45

@tiredofthisshit21….nope nuts, don’t get it. You will get more support on the mental health threads tbh. And in all honesty with the best intentions, I do feel that this is where your focus should lie. Moving forward, I hope your DD gets her grades tomorrow 🤞🤞🤞😁. If her course allows the hours, she probs should look at getting a tandem job …often the Union has work without too much travel etc. Make sure she has access to talking therapies and that when she picks up the phone to call you each week or FaceTime etc that you are really engaged and listening to her. I think the pursuit of your exes money for Uni (whilst morally right) will be a destabiliser for both of you ….and even if he does find, how reliable would that really be???? In the meantime, personally re: the unpaid support arrears and misused trust fund, I quietly go gloves off and do anything to get it all back….but keep your DD 100% out of it. Just give her the money if you get it or use it for Uni.
Sorry you’re going through this, you sound really strong and focussed!

Lotusmonster · 09/08/2021 08:46

*fund

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 09/08/2021 08:52

Thanks. She does have a job lined up already - she works for a pub chain and they will just transfer her. I just didn't want her to be too reliant on having to work all hours. But yes, it feels like it's not going to be worth the hassle of pursuing him and her mental health had to come first.

OP posts:
Kingsmede · 09/08/2021 09:22

Awful isn't it, though I suppose one of us have to support our adult children at uni.

My ExH didn't support our DC's either, not a penny. I did all the financial and practical support.
Then EXH had the gall to turn up at the graduation ceremony, so proud and so ready to celebrate....

sixpencenonethepoorer · 09/08/2021 09:24

@tiredofthisshit21

Thanks. She does have a job lined up already - she works for a pub chain and they will just transfer her. I just didn't want her to be too reliant on having to work all hours. But yes, it feels like it's not going to be worth the hassle of pursuing him and her mental health had to come first.
@tiredofthisshit21 with you 100%. As I mentioned earlier our situations are virtually identical!

Don't feel bad. Feel proud that you've got her through the difficult years alone, and to get her to the point where she can go to university independently, and be able to support herself too through working, is some achievement.

You did that, despite the odds and parenting with an arse!

Ignore the negative nonsense on here. They are few and far between, and have no understanding of the real issues here.

It's hard. For me it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it takes its toll on your own mental health too.

A time for celebrating tomorrow. You get that, her dad misses out on this too. X

PartridgeFeather · 09/08/2021 09:31

If they had a Troll Olympics this thread would have several multi-medallers.

Anyway good luck with it all OP, whatever you decide.

Swipe left for the next trending thread