I’ve never had any of these things and I feel like my life is over

[Treewu]

Never bought a place with someone
Never been engaged
Never been married
Never had a hen do
Never had a proper anniversary
Never had a wedding
Never had a family

I would have been happy with just one of these things. Everyone around me, school friends, colleagues, uni friends, family members… everyone has at least one of these experiences.

I’ve done ok for myself. I like my job mostly and I have lots of friends. I can be fun and supportive and strong. I have fun hobbies. But honestly? I feel empty inside every day because the things I wanted most, the things I cared about most, none of it happened. Nothing fills that gap. I’m so sad about it. Just needed to post to let it out. Struggle to share this with anyone IRL.

How old are you?

'Job and friends' sounds good to me.

@DoingItMyself yes they are good things. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I’m just so sad I’ve never had any of these experiences. Most of my friends have had all of these things. I’d have been happy with just buying a home with someone. I’m 38 in December.

How come you never had those things? why didn't they happen for you?

@BordelDeMerde I don’t know. I tried in my late 20s, 30s. Just didn’t happen. I did try

I'm sorry I do understand that must feel rubbish :( but 38 isn't passed it, my godmother met someone at 39 and had kids at 40&41

I think you don't appreciate how young you really are. Your life is FAR from over.

Never had any of those things either.

Apart from my parents, whom of course I love and cant underestimate the support they give. Though in some ways I feel like they're partly the reason I am how I am. I've leant back on them too much, for example.

I think a good job and good friends sounds awesome. Everyone has things they dont have. Even things they never get. Life is not a checklist. All we can do is enjoy what we have.

Also,buying a place with someone...risky. Hen do and weddings? Plenty of time for those. But I mean, I think I'd rather have good mates and a job I enjoyed quite frankly. Most marriages end in divorce and...do you really want to share your personal space with a guy? I mean when I think about it...it would be 90% snoring, tonail clippings on the table, arguments about who's turn it is to take the bin out... ...and I'm sure he'd be no picnic to live with either xD

Thanks for the support. @Spyro1234 I had to have a medical termination when I was 30 so I’m not sure I would even be able to have kids. I’d have done anything to have been settled in some way. I have a house and a job, but I still feel empty. Lots of hobbies. I’m not alone but I feel lonely all the time.

There are still lots of opportunities for you but I know when everyone is doing things you can feel left out. It's hard but try to row your own boat. I've done all the things on your list and have also had an expensive and unpleasant divorce and I feel exactly the same now as before I met my ExH. It feels like a very expensive and unpleasant 10+ years and actually single life is much more satisfying for me. I think a lot of people settle, you see your friends getting married and having kids and you do the same. It doesn't mean it's the right thing for you.

Bought a place with someone.... Who took all my money and now I'll be paying my mortgage until retirement

been engaged...to a man who couldn't be arsed to propose properly and hid his shitness well until it was too late (I made excuses for him)

Been married...to a man who was abusive and a nightmare to untangle from

had a hen do...that was not great and was all about other people

had a proper anniversary... that my ex ignored or used to create arguments

Had a wedding.... That I wasn't allowed to invite anyone to

had a family.... Of two. Me and my boy...who is my happy ending but it's hard alone.

It doesn't help I know to say others have it worse. What I'm meaning to say is that none of us have a crystal ball. Sometimes we're unlucky. Sometimes our childhood issues hold us back. It doesn't mean it has to stay that way. You can still have some or all of those things. It may or may not be wonderful. All we can do is try and know ourselves, and work towards trying to find what we want and can make us happy.

By 38 I had had 2 abusive marriages..
I then met my now dh at 41 and we are now married with a dc... Been 9 years...
See op you have just missed out the bad bits of my life! Plenty of time to check in for the good bits!

I've done all of those things but I am not happy. They aren't all that important. Concentrate on the good in your life.

Thanks @Clangerschick1 it just feels so out of reach now. It’s not happened in the last 15 years or so of dating so why would it suddenly happen now. I just can’t see it. I plod on through the days and try to see the good in things. I’m lucky I have money, I have work I enjoy, some lovely friends who make me laugh. But that feeling will never leave me. That sadness that creeps up on me most nights. I can’t remember the last time I went to sleep and there weren’t a few tears about my silent home. I just want to share my life with someone. I know not everyone gets what they want and that’s life but it doesn’t make it easier to accept. I’m sad so much of the time.

[quote Treewu]@BordelDeMerde I don’t know. I tried in my late 20s, 30s. Just didn’t happen. I did try[/quote]
Well, those are not things that tend to "just happen" to people. They happen to people who are in love, usually. Or at least, people who are willing to convince themselves they will be happy enough with another person. So, expand a bit.

Did you not meet anyone you loved at all? Did you Love someone who wanted thiose things, but not with you? Did you love someone who didn't want those things, but you did? Did someone love you, but you didn't love them? What?

@30degreesandmeltinghere your post made me smile (not the abusive marriages part!). Thank you. I guess you never know but I’ve been dating most of my life and it’s never happened so the hope has pretty much all gone. It’s hard to explain to a busy parent with a hectic social life with a husband what it’s like to constantly be in a silent house. They (understandably) long for half an hour peace in the bath! I’d do anything to have my time interrupted by people I loved.

@BordelDeMerde a mix of those things really. One moved abroad, one met someone else, one I fell out of love with. I know it doesn’t just happen but I mean I tried and it didn’t happen for me.

Thanks @ConfusedNoMore your post has altered my black and white thinking that I had when I came on to post tonight. It’s not all roses for everyone with all those things, I suppose I only really see the shiny parts like playing in the park or the Instagram photos and the wedding invites etc

These are all related things, they aren't a random assortment of experiences where you could have a mix of any of them and you've lost out 7 times.

It only has to work with 1 person, just one, and 38 is plenty young enough. This year has been harder than most to meet a person, but things will be easier going forward, Good luck.

@AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking I’m not sure I agree, I would have been delighted to have bought my home with someone rather than alone. That would have been a huge thing of importance to me. Id have had kids without marriage also, for instance. I’ve never met anyone where it’s worked that way and we’ve both wanted those things at the same time. I can’t see it happening now after so many years.

I've had all of those things but would prefer a job and friends

Have you ever considered becoming a single mother by choice? As in using a sperm donor? Tbh, yes at 38 there is still a chance to meet someone and have a family together, but only you know you and whether your prepared to take that chance and wait. Or go and grab what you want now, on your own.
Just an alternative view. Men aren’t all they are cracked up to be

I've had all those things - except children, which I didn't want - and now I'm alone and unemployed. This is one of the best times of my life, and I'm much happier than when I was married. I've always believed that the only person who can make you happy is you, and it's a mistake to rely on others to bring happiness to your life. We also need to work with what we have, not what we dream of having.

@Treewu sorry you’re feeling a bit shit BUT I’ve not had any of these things either .. and the big BUT BUT is that I have an incredible DP, incredible house of my own which I’m so fortunate for and he has his. That’s not meant to be flashy, I’m saying that you don’t need to have bought a place with someone, be engaged, have anniversaries.

Is there a reason you’re fixated on these things in particular? Is it because that’s what you see on socials (I deleted mine and felt so much better!)

I understand not having family; I don’t in the sense of kids or a loving family (currently NC).

I am probably articulating this horribly, but despite not having any of the things in your list, I am happy. I’ve been let down recently by friends, but so grateful for what I do have.

I felt exactly like you did not so long ago myself; unfulfilled and lonely. I joined meet up which had mixed successes and I started dating again. Few knocks here and there and it worked out in the end. I’m confident it will for you too. Chin up, keep chatting and PM me if you like

Thanks @Windingroad21 I think it’s that I just want to come home to someone. To share my stupid John Lewis pillows and farrow and ball paint! It all feels so empty and sad, even the effort I put into my house feels pointless as I have nobody to share it with. I spend money from boredom. It looks like I have a nice flashy life with a great career. On the inside I am so lonely. I have plans this weekend so I will be around people, I’m quite sociable. I just desperately wanted that companionship and never found it. It’s become more painful as the years have gone on because everyone around me is doing it all. There’s rarely a night I fall asleep without tears and fear for what seems like a continued lonely future.