Page 5 | I’ve never had any of these things and I feel like my life is over

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 14:32

I don't blame the op for expressing herself here; she can hardly offload to her friends!

Nobody can really advise but I am sure she has good days and bad days.

Op, there are people who have married and had children who are lonely and unhappy. I don't suppose that is any help to you though.

All I can say is I hope your 'up' times come to outweigh the 'down' ones and - things may change. Whatever you may think, you are still fairly young.

thelegohooverer · 07/08/2021 15:02

You’ve said that you’ve tried (past sense). Are you meeting men at the moment? Relationships are very much a numbers game.

As awful as OLD is, it does give you the opportunity to connect with hundreds of men (and weed out the vast majority of them) in a way that wasn’t possible in the old days. The key is to remain detached as long as possible and not waste time on relationships until you’re as certain as you can be that it’s worthwhile.

I must sound awful saying this, but when you date, it helps to think of it as interviewing candidates. Don’t try to impress the date - or waste energy wondering if he likes you/will he ring/what he thinks.

Iprefergin · 07/08/2021 15:03

@Treewu

Never bought a place with someone Never been engaged Never been married Never had a hen do Never had a proper anniversary Never had a wedding Never had a family

I would have been happy with just one of these things. Everyone around me, school friends, colleagues, uni friends, family members… everyone has at least one of these experiences.

I’ve done ok for myself. I like my job mostly and I have lots of friends. I can be fun and supportive and strong. I have fun hobbies. But honestly? I feel empty inside every day because the things I wanted most, the things I cared about most, none of it happened. Nothing fills that gap. I’m so sad about it. Just needed to post to let it out. Struggle to share this with anyone IRL.

Not had any of those either. Had a few boyfriends I've sacrificed a lot for who have all cheated on me. Trying to have a baby on my own but it's not happening and I'm running out of money. Never had a birthday party since single digit age. Spend Christmases alone. Travelled the world and share that view that experiences aren't quite as special with nobody to share them with.

Most of the time I'm OK with it and get on with life but I'd love someone to share it with and my dream is one day to have good news to share.

Keepitonthedownlow · 07/08/2021 15:12

I've mentioned upthread about Gateway Women. Basically, OP, you might be grieving, grieving for the life you hoped you'd live.

TinyTroubleMaker · 07/08/2021 15:13

Ditto. I also would say I don't have any proper friends, and have been single for 10 years, and in abusive relationships before that. I look after a child full time and have nothing for me. I'm 40 next year. Something needs to change, but not being able to really go out alone ever is a real blocker. I feel life has passed me by but also, there must be some answers, a way to change it.

Mollymalone123 · 07/08/2021 15:19

38 is still so young- my son’s godmother married for the first time in her 60’s and got a place together-but before this she had a great job in nursing-many hobbies and travelled a lot.She had a fiancé in the war but he died and she didn’t meet anyone else and wasn’t looking for anyone-then she met a man from the village she moved to and that was that.Also a former manager had never even dated anyone and he met and married someone in his 40’s .

sanityisamyth · 07/08/2021 15:20

I've had all of those, and a very long and expensive divorce. The relationship and marriage didn't define me. Was just a phase of my life which I'd rather hadn't happened. Don't let others make you think that their lives are more valid than yours because they paid a lot of money for a very expensive piece of paper!!

FlakeorTwirl · 07/08/2021 16:22

I get your loneliness op. It can be utter hell. I lived for around a year in an empty house and felt like no one would notice if I disappeared. I used to go to work voluntarily on the weekend just to pass the time. On reflection, I wish I'd sold or rented out my house and moved back in with my parents to feel loved again. I think this would have put me in a better place and got me back on an even keel. I'm not sure if this could be an option for you?

morningteaisthebest · 07/08/2021 17:27

I have no words of wisdom or suggestions OP. It feels like life seems to works out for some people and isn't nearly so smooth for others, so I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the loneliness and pain you're feeling. I hope you somehow find peace and comfort in time to come, no matter what else comes your way

Helloandhelloagain · 07/08/2021 17:41

Some people have done all those things and honestly isn’t everything. Some of those things have gone awry in their life as well!
Make a list of what you have done
( discount hen evenings - not a thing. Some may like them and that’s fine ; plenty of people don’t )

YarnOver · 07/08/2021 18:19

I've got all those things and have done since a young age. I adore my DH and of course my DC are my world. So by your list my life is perfect and eveyrthing you want to "achieve"?

But...... My health is just abysmal I have multiple serious chronic illnesses. I spend a lot of time in hospital. I can't work full time, I can't look after my children nearly as much as I want. I often can't take them out th house. My DH has to do it all.

I have children - well the two living ones that I have here. I also have one dead child. And will live with the deep trauma of that until the day I die.

I haven't written that for any pity or whatnot just to prove that behind your list of things you want...are, as many other people have posted, whole other circumstances which people don't always see.

You're in a rut, you sound very depressed and I feel that you're living a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy in that you have been trying for so long that you mayb feel no one will want you. Now I'm sure that's not at all true and as you have plenty friends you're definitely a great person.... But if you go into dates and meet ups feeling hopeless, that's the vibe you'll give off.

If you'd be happy with one thing off the list, why not as other posters say why don't you consider sperm donation?

user1471538283 · 08/08/2021 08:38

I get it OP. You are aching for things that seem to have come so easily to others. I did too. I wanted to build a life with someone and I think most of us are hard wired to want it. Things are so much easier as a couple.

I'm resentful that had things worked out I would be financially settled. But I no longer want a marriage, more children. That's age!

wednesdayweather · 08/08/2021 09:14

OP, I completely understand how you feel. I exactly know that feeling.
I feel it too, though my circumstances are different from yours.
Unlike you, after moving to another country a few years ago, I don't have close friends and I have no parents/ siblings. I desperately, desperately want a close connection with someone, to have a partner who is on my side and where I am on their side, where we are for each other, where we can talk about the things that have happened in the day and what is on our mind. My circumstances mean that is unlikely to happen. I often cry a lot about how lonely I feel too. I don't have solutions. Just saying that I understand.

I read a line in a book once, ' she was lonely in her soul'. That is exactly how I feel.

Ditto. I also would say I don't have any proper friends, and have been single for 10 years, and in abusive relationships before that. I look after a child full time and have nothing for me. I'm 40 next year. Something needs to change, but not being able to really go out alone ever is a real blocker. I feel life has passed me by but also, there must be some answers, a way to change it
@TinyTroubleMaker I feel like that too. Life is passing me by, something needs to change but I just don't see a way to change it.

OneMillionSteps · 08/08/2021 11:23

I totally get it OP.
I saw most of my close friends getting engaged/married/starting families throughout my 30s.

At times it was really hard. People assume you’re single by choice.
Internet dating was just starting then so I tried it, which did give me a boost for a while, as I felt I was taking control of the situation.

I met now DH in my early 40s - after chatting to a friend of a friend about the internet dating. A few months later she introduced me to a former colleague of hers.
Don’t give up hope, keep looking, you never know what chance encounters or conversations might lead to.

Original poster

Treewu · 08/08/2021 11:41

@felulageller

Never bought a place with someone - me neither but bought alone and would always recommend that over co ownership Never been engaged - on a drunken night out a new boyfriend git down on one knew and gave me his ring but our 'engagement' only lasted a week so don't think it counts

another boyfriend of a year said he wanted to marry me but never actually proposed, got a ring, told anyone else about it so don't think that counts either

Never been married - see above Never had a hen do - see above Never had a proper anniversary had a LTR but the last anniversary never even got acknowledged Never had a wedding - I've never even been invited to a full wedding unless as a plus one, never been in the wedding party etc Never had a family - I do have DC's but now have a lot of regrets eg father's/ number/ life at the time

So honestly I don't think you are untypical. Yes as a teen/ 20 something I expected all these things. But now most of my peers are over 40 I'd say about a third don't have DC's/ never married.

And that's much better than the abusive relationships that are so prevalent!

@felulageller thanks for a wider perspective. I guess I only see the shiny sides to a family life over social media. I have a lot of time alone so a lot of time to think

OP posts:

Original poster

Treewu · 08/08/2021 11:46

@OneMillionSteps

I totally get it OP. I saw most of my close friends getting engaged/married/starting families throughout my 30s. At times it was really hard. People assume you’re single by choice. Internet dating was just starting then so I tried it, which did give me a boost for a while, as I felt I was taking control of the situation. I met now DH in my early 40s - after chatting to a friend of a friend about the internet dating. A few months later she introduced me to a former colleague of hers. Don’t give up hope, keep looking, you never know what chance encounters or conversations might lead to.

@OneMillionSteps thanks. I’m finding it awful at the moment. Im alone today as a friend had to cancel last minute. Most days I would rather not be here as life feels so empty . I’ve got lots of hobbies and friends and somehow managed to forge a career, take interest in things, had counselling. I just want to wake up with someone. Share a home

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love15 · 08/08/2021 11:48

You are still so young? You have so much time to meet someone and build a home!

Original poster

Treewu · 08/08/2021 11:50

@YarnOver

I've got all those things and have done since a young age. I adore my DH and of course my DC are my world. So by your list my life is perfect and eveyrthing you want to "achieve"?

But...... My health is just abysmal I have multiple serious chronic illnesses. I spend a lot of time in hospital. I can't work full time, I can't look after my children nearly as much as I want. I often can't take them out th house. My DH has to do it all.

I have children - well the two living ones that I have here. I also have one dead child. And will live with the deep trauma of that until the day I die.

I haven't written that for any pity or whatnot just to prove that behind your list of things you want...are, as many other people have posted, whole other circumstances which people don't always see.

You're in a rut, you sound very depressed and I feel that you're living a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy in that you have been trying for so long that you mayb feel no one will want you. Now I'm sure that's not at all true and as you have plenty friends you're definitely a great person.... But if you go into dates and meet ups feeling hopeless, that's the vibe you'll give off.

If you'd be happy with one thing off the list, why not as other posters say why don't you consider sperm donation?

@YarnOver thanks. Oddly I seem to get dates and second dates etc. I rarely feel anything . But that’s just numbers I suppose, as I’ve had nice relationships in the past.

I’m just so sad and feel so left out of what are normal life experiences for most people

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Original poster

Treewu · 08/08/2021 11:53

@love15

You are still so young? You have so much time to meet someone and build a home!

@love15 if I met someone tomorrow I’d be unlikely to be living with them by the time I’m 39 (a year and 3 months). Unlikely to therefore have a family. I’m reminded everyday of the loneliness by all the established families around me

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love15 · 08/08/2021 12:14

But you could have a child in your early 40's with someone? The older you are the quicker things happen do you not agree? x

anthurium · 08/08/2021 12:58

The 'established family' concept is what you make of it: if you are unwilling to reframe what you think a family is, I guess you'll have to accept a real possibility of being childless. What is so dreadful about trying to have a child on your own via a perm donor Op? You can take agency but you are choosing to be passive.

Original poster

Treewu · 08/08/2021 13:11

@love15

But you could have a child in your early 40's with someone? The older you are the quicker things happen do you not agree? x

@love15 potentially yes but much less chance? I probably sound so negative, I really do try and stay upbeat but when you get to this age and none of these things have happened, it’s so easy to lose hope. Sorry. I understand where you’re coming from it just feels hopeless to me

OP posts:

Bythemillpond · 08/08/2021 13:12

You could have a child now through sperm donor.
No need to wait.

Just because it isn’t after you get a relationship it doesn’t matter.

Original poster

Treewu · 08/08/2021 13:14

@anthurium

The 'established family' concept is what you make of it: if you are unwilling to reframe what you think a family is, I guess you'll have to accept a real possibility of being childless. What is so dreadful about trying to have a child on your own via a perm donor Op? You can take agency but you are choosing to be passive.

@anthurium there’s nothing wrong with that, I just desperately want the adult companionship with it I suppose. Maybe that’s expecting too much, I don’t know. I see it everywhere and just long for it. I do know that things aren’t always simple with a relationship, there’s compromise and sacrifice you don’t always have to make whe single. I’ve always thought to would be worth it though overall to share my life with someone.

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Dervel · 08/08/2021 13:21

Some, if not all of what you aspire to is still very doable. What often confuses me is why some of the things people in their deepest core want the most out of life somehow think will just magically fall into their lap.

I’m using a little tough love here, but figure out the type of bloke it is you’d really like to partner up and have a family with, and work on being the sort of woman he’d aspire to be with.

Put yourself out there, but don’t waste time on men that don’t make the cut, be ruthless if you have to. Maybe look into freezing some eggs to maybe give you the best chance for family in the future.

Basically break it down into sections you can work on and just crack on. Some of what you have done already will actually stand you in good stead. Sounds like you are independent, have many interests/hobbies (this makes you interesting). Above all be a little kinder and proactive. Best of luck.