I’ve never had any of these things and I feel like my life is over

[Treewu]

Never bought a place with someone
Never been engaged
Never been married
Never had a hen do
Never had a proper anniversary
Never had a wedding
Never had a family

I would have been happy with just one of these things. Everyone around me, school friends, colleagues, uni friends, family members… everyone has at least one of these experiences.

I’ve done ok for myself. I like my job mostly and I have lots of friends. I can be fun and supportive and strong. I have fun hobbies. But honestly? I feel empty inside every day because the things I wanted most, the things I cared about most, none of it happened. Nothing fills that gap. I’m so sad about it. Just needed to post to let it out. Struggle to share this with anyone IRL.

I’m 31 and never had those things either. I’m in the process of looking to buy my first house. I’ve accepted that i probably won’t meet anyone now.

[quote Treewu]@BordelDeMerde a mix of those things really. One moved abroad, one met someone else, one I fell out of love with. I know it doesn’t just happen but I mean I tried and it didn’t happen for me.[/quote]
No. You tried, and you haven't yet met someone you love enough and who loves you and wants the same things you do. You didn't settle just to have those things. You didn't compromise yourself.

You're only 37. You have a lot of life left to live. You still have adventures to look forward to, and love to look forward to, and heartbreak to come (inevitably). You might not have pursued the same path as your peers, but you're forging your own path, you're doing things a bit differently. So what? There's no one right way of doing things.

@BordelDeMerde I’m 38 in December. Probably too old for kids, add to the fact I had medical termination at 30, kids don’t look likely. I’ve spent years investing in things and people where it didn’t work. I have no faith it will happen now. The future feels scary and lonely

@Treewu I get it, I completely do. I felt exactly the same. I know it’s a cliche, but it happened for me when I least expected it…. I had been back online dating (usual car crashes, you can imagine) and I met this guy (DP), had an OK first date and another lined up .. he cancelled! I was unhappy as his excuse was pathetic (hungover) rescheduled again and his work went on.. I told him to get stuffed.

As far as I was concerned I had a good life; house, car, nice things (farrow and ball paint, lol) and I wasn’t letting anyone into that unless they were perfect.

6 months go on from first date with no contact and we keep passing each other; then one of my clients mentioned him in an entirely unrelated event and me and my big mouth mentioned I knew him. Client texted now DP and the rest is history.

Maybe you’re like me; you’ve built up a good life, protective of it and have standards. I’m glad I did.. even though I love DP very much I was very clear on what I wouldn’t put up with and he’s respected me from day dot on it. He was never late, and never did cancel again (seems basic but apparently not these days!)

You’ll absolutely get there. Keep doing you and achieving your own goals and making a good life for yourself. Your person will come into your life- I never expected mine to reappear from someone I’d completely written off via a client.

Sorry your feeling so lonely but never say never I was convinced years ago it was me now I'm married with dc. There are also other ways to have a family fostering & adoption ivf? Just keep going out and being social and don't put too much pressure on yourself you only have to read mumsnet to see how many lonely people on here are married and have dc at least you have your own home that is an achievement good luck.

One of my close friends met her now-husband at the age of 40, married 9 months later then had a baby boy just before turning 42…
My friend was already established in her career as a teacher and they both had their own homes. He moved into her house and they rent out his place. It can happen, please do not lose hope

Never bought a place with someone - did that. Was left in over 50k of debt when he tied all sorts to it.

Never been engaged - did that. I had to buy my own ring as he said it was a waste of his money. (See above)

Never been married - did that. Got really nasty for the first time on my wedding night. (I was Blind to the engagement thing clearly - see above)

Never had a hen do - had that. One of the hens made merry with the kitty. (Not any type of euphemism!) It was cut short.

Never had a proper anniversary. I didn’t have one of these. He nearly managed to kill me at 6 months so I left.

Never had a wedding. Had one of these. Not fancy. Not what I had imagined. Won’t have another.

Never had a family. Me neither. I wasn’t meant to carry full term or anything close to that.

I wouldn’t wish you anything like my life. Those things you seek don’t necessarily guarantee happiness.

But that is what I wish you. And I hope it comes to you. Rejoice in where you are for now.

You are still young yet. 🌻

I knew three people in your situation aged 40. One adopted a 7 month old as a single mother and is very happy. The other got set up on a blind date, was engaged within a month or two and had their baby two years later. Also very happy.
The third is a single mother by choice of twins (by IVF, it wasn’t easy but it was doable). Knackered and happy.
If I were you I’d try to understand why it isn’t working when you date, perhaps with professional help, and try to change something about tgat.

OP I’m 40 and I’ve only ticked one item off your list, and that was this year; buying a house with someone. There isn’t a time limit to get these things done by, you have the rest of your life.

The things on that list aren’t necessarily the things that will make you smile, make you happy every day or make your life complete. I hope you find fulfilment in all the wonderful things you have in your life right now.

38 isn't terribly old! My dd is a year older than you and she's still young.
I can't promise you all the things people need or want - I couldn't get them for myself. But I think you're on the right track by having good things in your life already. Go for it, enjoy yourself, and sod the things that haven't presented themselves.

Don't write yourself off at 37. Things often happen to people when they stop hoping.

Why do you think your medical abortion will have made you infertile? Plenty of people have abortions and go on to have a child later.

Please try to enjoy life as it is, many would envy you. Nothing is ever perfect but you have a lot going for you.

The baby part you can have potentially more control over. Sperm donation, IUI/IVF. I was a single mum for many years and becoming a parent was wonderful. Fostering? Adoption?

I was in your position aged 38, I had broken up with a partner with whom I was on/off with for 2 years. Before that I had been married, with ex husband for 6 years married for 2, divorced aged 36. Not a happy marriage, but it was an amicable mutual split at least.

I decided to pursue solo motherhood aged 38 at first using IUI which was unsuccessful. 6 months later aged 39 I did IVF with a sperm donor and so far everything has been going well and am now 21 weeks pregnant. I'm still on very good terms with my ex partner of two years and he has supported me throughout the fertility journey.

I no longer feel that dread, stress, anxiety around men/relationships, and I look forward to welcoming my baby in December. I have few friends, family which isn't nearby, an okay paying job and my own property. It's a mixed bag!

It's not how I'd imagined my life would turn out, but I'm happy now. Once I'd reworked the concept that I don't need to wait for a man to have a family I felt more in control. Being passive and waiting for a/relationship made me feel extremely frustrated, plus I couldn't fathom any more online dating.

As other posters have pointed out, have you considered solo parenting as a possible option? Or at least to have your fertility checked out so you have an idea where you stand? It may not be too late too have children, but you can only find out by trying to conceive.

In the same boat, all my life I thought I would get married and have a family and it hasn’t happened, I don’t really have any advice only to say I am feeling the same and i am heartbroken that for me it’s too late. You say you have friends, are you able to go out with them much or do go to work, I have been working from home since COVID and it has made meeting some one even harder.

OP
I don't mean to sound flippant, but do you have pets?
Honestly- some days I'm so grateful for my four legged roomies

@Clangerschick1

Seems these days you’re not allowed to say you feel empty without the partner/husband/children as a woman. Some people seem to think a job/money/travel/freedom to do what you want when you want is all important and should be enough for a woman-how date she not be able to be happy without a man and family?? It’s almost like you’re not allowed to say it without someone asking if you’re from the 1950’s. I empathise OP. You’re allowed to feel exactly how you actually feel and jolly good for them if their job and money and free time are enough for them. Personally I agree with you. I would feel sad and empty without having met my husband and having a family even with what would be considered by most an ‘exciting’ job. At 38 though it’s not too late. Met my husband only a couple of years before that at 36. Have had a second baby a year ago at 45. Enjoy and make the most of what you do have now but never give up hope for the things you long for xxxx

@Clangerschick1

Agreed. I see this lack of understanding and empathy all the time. A few decades ago, if you said you weren't bothered with getting married or having children, that you wanted different things in life, the response would have been 'what's wrong with you'. A lot of people will still react this way today, but in some circles, saying 'I really want an intimate relationship, children, and I hate being single despite having great friends and hobbies' is enough to get you a 'What's wrong with you response'.

It's not phrased this bluntly, but there's usually the inevitable stream of women going 'have you had counselling' or something similar, because the woman is clearly defective she feels unfulfilled as a single woman, if she craves the type of intimacy and support that only a dedicated romantic partner can provide.

It looks like I have a nice flashy life with a great career. On the inside I am so lonely. I have plans this weekend so I will be around people, I’m quite sociable. I just desperately wanted that companionship and never found it. It’s become more painful as the years have gone on because everyone around me is doing it all.

Honestly, op, I know it probably doesn't help, but some of those people you know, who seem to be 'doing it all', will also be crying themselves to sleep because they're not happy in their lives, in spite of appearances.

On another note, many, many women find partners in their late 30s and have children in their 40s. Also, have you thought about fostering or adoption? Maybe thinking outside the box will mix things up a bit in your life and stop you anticipating an arid future. It sounds like you're in a rut, and I'm sure it's within your grasp to ring some changes and find the fulfilment in your life you crave, maybe in an unexpected way. Take heart!

A termination does not cause infertility! Where do people get these ideas from??

Every single person has missed out on stuff op. I've never had a hen do, never given birth, never had a daughter, never had a sister, not got a lot going on in the way of friends and not got good health! Ah well, onwards and upwards.

My 8 year old gets taken out on events by a child care worker(he is mild SEN) and I know she is single because she looks relaxed and "joyous". I feel the opposite because I feel run down or run over by addressing the needs of my family all the time. I am grateful for this the effort and patience she puts in with him. He needs that. She probably would like to meet someone but circumstances don't always permit that. Plus social pressure is sickening for single individuals as time goes on. If she had other commitments she would not have the time or impact on him. If I did not have children I would have worked with a kids charity or looked into fostering on my own. It would have made my life dramatic and impact full. Those events you mention are dramatic and impactful so go and "get" something to remedy what you have not "got".

I’m a similar age. Have a kid but haven’t done any of the rest and actually.

Having a kid I have done it all solo since day 1. Never had that kind of relationship and/or co parenting experience. Just frustration and exhaustion. I’ve missed out in a lot.

[quote Treewu]@BordelDeMerde I’m 38 in December. Probably too old for kids, add to the fact I had medical termination at 30, kids don’t look likely. I’ve spent years investing in things and people where it didn’t work. I have no faith it will happen now. The future feels scary and lonely[/quote]
Why would having a termination 8 years ago affect your odds of pregnancy now? It just means you can successfully get pregnant?

Op - a lot of people settle and are no happier than if they were single. You can’t force it - you either meet the right person or you don’t. But lots of people- probably most, are stuck in miserable relationships. You sound like you weren’t prepared to settle and good on you.

Why not be a single parent by choice if you want to have a child? Then you can pick your child’s father’s genes. I think a lot of people wish they’d done that

I understand though op. I’m a single mum and sometimes I do wish I had a special someone to coparent with. But actually I can think of a single relationship in my friendship group that I would like. I would like to be with someone but nothing at the expense of my happiness

I do know someone who has spent years trying to get a partner. She is slim, attractive, has her own business and never fails to get dates but they never ever go beyond a couple of dates.
All her friends know why and a few have tried in the gentlest way to make her see that the type of men she goes for are not the type of men who want to settle down and have children. If they mention they are homeless/sofa surfing, call those that go to work sheep and she has to pay for them, then she is all over them.
Have you thought of asking your closest friends why they think you have never met the One.

I do think though if you want something you do need to work at making it happen.
If you want a child then why not go it alone. You aren’t that old

You mention that you had a medical abortion. Is this something that you have come to terms with as you mention it in quite a few posts.

Ultimately doing the same thing over and over isn’t going to produce different results.
If you want your life to change you have to be prepared to do different things and shake yourself out of the routine and the familiar

I do think sometimes things happen unexpectedly. You turn a corner and suddenly your life changes but ultimately you have to walk round the corner. Sticking to the straight path will mean you miss out.