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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve never had any of these things and I feel like my life is over

129 replies

Treewu · 06/08/2021 19:42

Never bought a place with someone
Never been engaged
Never been married
Never had a hen do
Never had a proper anniversary
Never had a wedding
Never had a family

I would have been happy with just one of these things. Everyone around me, school friends, colleagues, uni friends, family members… everyone has at least one of these experiences.

I’ve done ok for myself. I like my job mostly and I have lots of friends. I can be fun and supportive and strong. I have fun hobbies. But honestly? I feel empty inside every day because the things I wanted most, the things I cared about most, none of it happened. Nothing fills that gap. I’m so sad about it. Just needed to post to let it out. Struggle to share this with anyone IRL.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 07/08/2021 01:32

If you sent think it'll happen OP, it won't.
Stay positive and sociable. It'll happen.

VenusTiger · 07/08/2021 01:33

*don't not sent Hmm

uktrippin · 07/08/2021 01:39

"Never bought a place with someone
Never been engaged
Never been married
Never had a hen do
Never had a proper anniversary
Never had a wedding
Never had a family"

You wouldn't have been happy with just one of those things at all. Imagine having a hen do without the wedding. Or getting engaged without the wedding?

Buying a place with someone is effectively cutting your equity in half, sod that.

Having a termination has zero impact on your likelihood of becoming pregnant now. Why not look into that as a single person?

BabaGanouche · 07/08/2021 01:54

Don't despair OP, I know several people who
have met their life partner in their forties (and a couple have had kids in their early, mid and late forties). But don't knock having a fulfilling career and home. Many would love to be in your position.

ZealAndArdour · 07/08/2021 02:25

I’ve never done any of those things either but my life is perfectly fine and enjoyable.

Seems like you’re valuing the wrong “achievements”.

ZealAndArdour · 07/08/2021 02:28

Also, having a baby is still entirely possible. You’re 38, perfectly reasonable age to conceive, and it’s completely unreasonable to think that an abortion would prevent that. Unsure where you’ve had that information from but it’s incorrect.

WorldsBestBoss · 07/08/2021 08:05

Quite a few of my friends were single and childless at your age and have now gone on to meet partners and have children.

Have you tried online dating - something specific like Match?

Have you considered using a sperm donor and having a child on your own?

Are you in a career/hobby that is popular with both sexes? (A friend of mine worked long hours in a predominantly female career and never had the chance to meet men)

I completely understand how you must feel and agree with PP above that a lot of emphasis is put on women to have a career and be independent, but sometimes we would like companionship and to become a mother and that's ok.

I hope you manage to find happiness Smile.

WorldsBestBoss · 07/08/2021 08:09

Sorry I've assumed there that you are looking for a male partner - shouldn't have assumed as you don't specify, sorry.

54321nought · 07/08/2021 08:09

@ByThePool2021

Have you ever considered becoming a single mother by choice? As in using a sperm donor? Tbh, yes at 38 there is still a chance to meet someone and have a family together, but only you know you and whether your prepared to take that chance and wait. Or go and grab what you want now, on your own. Just an alternative view. Men aren’t all they are cracked up to be Wink
I was going to suggest that, but the OP chose a termination over lone parenthood, so I am guessing that children are not really part of what they want.
54321nought · 07/08/2021 08:10

OP, you don't seem to want children, so its a partner you want, and you have no time limit on that, there will be someone for you, believe me!

54321nought · 07/08/2021 08:11

@ZealAndArdour

I’ve never done any of those things either but my life is perfectly fine and enjoyable.

Seems like you’re valuing the wrong “achievements”.

no, not "wrong" - what is right for one person is not right for someone else
TuesdayRuby · 07/08/2021 08:15

38 isn’t old OP. I have plenty of friends who’ve had their babies past 40. If you really want to become a mum and can afford it, then all you need is a sperm donor. I know one lady who got to 40 and did this. She’s now a very happy mum of a 2 year old. No man needed! (Well, just a tiny bit of one).

StarryStarrySocks · 07/08/2021 08:22

I have never had any of these things either and I'm a bit older than you. Sometimes I get a bit wistful about what might have been but in general I just get on with life and find joy where I can - in my family and friends, my hobbies, spending time outside, creating a lovely and peaceful home. Sorry if that sounds clichéd but it's true.
If you are crying every night that's quite concerning. I've only skimmed the thread so sorry if you've said, but have you ever spoken to a counsellor?

UDontDans2Tekno · 07/08/2021 08:26

@AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking

These are all related things, they aren't a random assortment of experiences where you could have a mix of any of them and you've lost out 7 times.

It only has to work with 1 person, just one, and 38 is plenty young enough. This year has been harder than most to meet a person, but things will be easier going forward, Good luck.

I was trying to work out how to word that, and I think you nailed it. They are all linked, and normally done with one person.

Never bought a place with someone
Never been engaged
Never been married
Never had a hen do
Never had a proper anniversary
Never had a wedding
Never had a family

Original poster
Treewu · 07/08/2021 08:38

[quote Windingroad21]@Treewu I get it, I completely do. I felt exactly the same. I know it’s a cliche, but it happened for me when I least expected it…. I had been back online dating (usual car crashes, you can imagine) and I met this guy (DP), had an OK first date and another lined up .. he cancelled! I was unhappy as his excuse was pathetic (hungover) rescheduled again and his work went on.. I told him to get stuffed.

As far as I was concerned I had a good life; house, car, nice things (farrow and ball paint, lol) and I wasn’t letting anyone into that unless they were perfect.

6 months go on from first date with no contact and we keep passing each other; then one of my clients mentioned him in an entirely unrelated event and me and my big mouth mentioned I knew him. Client texted now DP and the rest is history.

Maybe you’re like me; you’ve built up a good life, protective of it and have standards. I’m glad I did.. even though I love DP very much I was very clear on what I wouldn’t put up with and he’s respected me from day dot on it. He was never late, and never did cancel again (seems basic but apparently not these days!)

You’ll absolutely get there. Keep doing you and achieving your own goals and making a good life for yourself. Your person will come into your life- I never expected mine to reappear from someone I’d completely written off via a client.[/quote]
@Windingroad21 that’s a nice thing to happen, it’s nice to read too. I’ve hoped for my ‘story’ or happy moment but it never came. I have tried to date, got myself out there. Perhaps I missed some good ones but I did try. I feel totally drained and deflated and resigned to my life now. I never feel young or like there’s a different future ahead. Quite literally everyone in my life, even colleagues, are settled down. I’m the odd one out by a long long way. It’s a lonely place to be.

OP posts:
Fran45528 · 07/08/2021 08:40

I’ve had 2 abortions (one when I was 17 and one when I was 25) - both times I was on the pill and wasn’t ready for children. I’m currently 16 weeks pregnant. Medical abortions (or any other sort) do not cause infertility, it is a huge misconception.

Also, I know it sounds silly - but have you considered getting a cat or dog? They’re the best company and have so much love to give.

Sakurami · 07/08/2021 08:45

I can imagine how you must feel because I too would feel like that. You are still young though and it is better to be on your own than in the wrong relationship.

When you've dated/been in relationships- have they been good? What split you up? Did you imagine settling down with any of them? Were you in love?

Gemi33 · 07/08/2021 08:56

Hi OP

I'm 38 and also never had any of those things. It is really hard, especially when everyone around you has experienced all of them. I feel really sad that I have missed out on so much.

xx

penguinwithasuitcase · 07/08/2021 09:01

@Treewu has this feeling got a lot stronger since the pandemic?

A lot of people I know (mid-late 30s) have been really hit hard emotionally by the past year and the 'what is my life really about?' thoughts that it's brought up.

That's not to say your feelings aren't valid – they absolutely are, and I'm sure they existed beforehand –but I wonder if they're amplified right now by what's happening in the world?

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 07/08/2021 09:06

Why do you think having a medical termination means you can’t now have children?

Plenty of women have terminations and go on to have children.

love15 · 07/08/2021 09:09

You still have time! x

Mermaidwaves · 07/08/2021 09:10

I get it OP, you're allowed to feel this way. I agree with a PP who said that nowadays we are not supposed to admit to wanting a man and family, instead it's all about career and travel, but theres nothing wrong in wanting those things. I find when I've talked about wanting to find a real genuinely loving relationship everyone scoffs and says " you don't need a man to validate you", but they are all in the loving stable relationships that I seek! It's easy for them to say that! I also never bought a house which I probably never will now much to my deep regret.

Looking at the other side of the coin, I had a wedding and hen do etc. I'm single and 40 now and pretty unhappy. They were meaningless because my exH was abusive and a cheater so you haven't necessarily missed out because reading these threads makes you realise how many awful men there are out there.

I sound contradictory I know but good friends and a job are a blessing. My blessing is my DDs so I try and be thankful for them and tell myself that most people don't have it all. It is hard to remain positive though when you've missed out on things you've always wanted.

Craftycorvid · 07/08/2021 09:12

Bearing in mind what someone said up-thread, I’m going to suggest some counselling to process past relationships and your feelings in the here and now. And this is definitely not pathologising loneliness or the longing for a partner; it’s a good way to take stock with someone who has no agenda other than your wellbeing.

We learn our first relationship blueprint from early care-givers and that familiarity tends to partly influence who we are attracted to, consciously and subconsciously. Therapy can be a great place to look at our relationships more objectively and to consider what we want from a relationship in the future. You are not trapped in a bad relationship. You seem to have stability in your life; that’s a great place to explore what’s next.

Keepitonthedownlow · 07/08/2021 09:25

Jodi Day has created a community called Gateway Women for involuntary childless women, she's also written a book. Might be of interest gateway-women.com/

thelegohooverer · 07/08/2021 09:47

I felt very much like you before I met dh. But even in the heady early lived up days, I still had the exact same negative thoughts running on a loop - I’m so lonely…I’m never going to find someone who loves me…I’ll be alone forever…. It was very jarring because my reality was the exact opposite. It brought home to me that our thoughts aren’t truth or trustworthy (which is basically the premise behind CBT).

I think you should investigate the possibility that you could be suffering from depression. I’m not saying that your grief, at not living life as you imagined, isn’t justified. But having good reasons to be sad doesn’t preclude depression.

Ime, as someone who suffers from depression, happiness is something that has to be practiced. I know that there are naturally happy people too. My friend is one - life knocks her down but she’s never sad for very long. I could win the lottery and probably be tending to feel sad again a few days later.

I won’t deny that life improved for me after meeting dh but that was as much to do with taking charge of my mental health (and recognising that I could). The problem with feeling down is that it blinds you to the things you have control over.

It’s very easy for me to write this - far harder for you to do it. Flowers