I’ve never had any of these things and I feel like my life is over

[Treewu]

Never bought a place with someone
Never been engaged
Never been married
Never had a hen do
Never had a proper anniversary
Never had a wedding
Never had a family

I would have been happy with just one of these things. Everyone around me, school friends, colleagues, uni friends, family members… everyone has at least one of these experiences.

I’ve done ok for myself. I like my job mostly and I have lots of friends. I can be fun and supportive and strong. I have fun hobbies. But honestly? I feel empty inside every day because the things I wanted most, the things I cared about most, none of it happened. Nothing fills that gap. I’m so sad about it. Just needed to post to let it out. Struggle to share this with anyone IRL.

@54321nought

I was going to suggest that, but the OP chose a termination over lone parenthood, so I am guessing that children are not really part of what they want.

She said she had to have a medical termination. Jesus, how insensitive do you want to be? You’re unbelievably cruel on this thread.

@54321nought

OP, you don't seem to want children, so its a partner you want, and you have no time limit on that, there will be someone for you, believe me!

Really curious what led you to state this. Is it because OP had to have a medical termination? You think she therefore mustn’t have really wanted a child?

You need to educate yourself. Worst comments I’ve seen on MN in a long time.

[quote Monday26July]@54321nought

I was going to suggest that, but the OP chose a termination over lone parenthood, so I am guessing that children are not really part of what they want.

She said she had to have a medical termination. Jesus, how insensitive do you want to be? You’re unbelievably cruel on this thread.[/quote]
Agree. Highly insensitive comment.

Honestly OP, I'm not sure there is any good advice. You are in the situation you are in and you feel sad and disappointed with it. You sound sensible and you acknowledge the things you like about your life and you acknowledge the fact that many people who are with partners and have kids are not happy.
I can't think of any advice that would help - have a kid on your own/get a pet/get counselling/get dating .... I'm sure you have thought of those things yourself.
I guess if I had to say something it would be to really think about what you want and what you are prepared to do about it then action it ASAP. I'm sure the temptation is to just potter along and to try not to think about things too much. (Not that that isn't a valid option too!)

I’ve hoped for my ‘story’ or happy moment but it never came.

You’re 37. So am I and hell no am I writing myself off.

Do you always feel like this? It must put so much pressure on every single date. Can you ever be yourself?

@TuesdayRuby

38 isn’t old OP. I have plenty of friends who’ve had their babies past 40. If you really want to become a mum and can afford it, then all you need is a sperm donor. I know one lady who got to 40 and did this. She’s now a very happy mum of a 2 year old. No man needed! (Well, just a tiny bit of one).

@TuesdayRuby thanks, I just hear constantly about fertility basically being over by 35 and that’s long passed me by. 38 in December. It’s hardly time to meet someone and do all that. They say fertility drops after 35 then that’s than from there. It feels very much over for me in that way.

@BabaGanouche

Don't despair OP, I know several people who have met their life partner in their forties (and a couple have had kids in their early, mid and late forties). But don't knock having a fulfilling career and home. Many would love to be in your position.

@BabaGanouche thanks. I don’t mean to be ungrateful for what I have. In many ways having a job and income and home makes it all feel painfully pointless. I would love to hand my keys to someone and say this was theirs too. Another Saturday morning waking up to a silent home is really hard. It seems like everyone around me found someone and I just live this solitary life.

I think life should be a bit of a checklist. You only live once so do it all.

At 38 the hen party, marriage and new house are all totally possible. Having a baby might not happen but having a family is doable.

Make up your mind it’s what you really want and go for it. Not sure why you think it’s too late . You can always go back to single.

@StarryStarrySocks

I have never had any of these things either and I'm a bit older than you. Sometimes I get a bit wistful about what might have been but in general I just get on with life and find joy where I can - in my family and friends, my hobbies, spending time outside, creating a lovely and peaceful home. Sorry if that sounds clichéd but it's true. If you are crying every night that's quite concerning. I've only skimmed the thread so sorry if you've said, but have you ever spoken to a counsellor?

@StarryStarrySocks I have counselling. Had all sorts over the years. I don’t actually think there’s much wrong with me, I’ve just always longed for companionship and not having it is very hard for me. It’s not like I didn’t pursue other things, i have a career and a home and friends. The crying is the sadness that I am still alone and the fear for the future and how much longer i might have to live on the sidelines. Some days I just don’t want to be here at all. I battle with this loneliness literally everyday.

You have the breath of life. Do you have all your limbs and in relative good health? Focus on what you have. Focusing on what you don’t have will make you sad. You are blessed with many things that others don’t have.

While you still have the breath of life, you can achieve all these things you wish for.

Good luck.

@SStopRaisingHim

I’ve hoped for my ‘story’ or happy moment but it never came.

You’re 37. So am I and hell no am I writing myself off.

Do you always feel like this? It must put so much pressure on every single date. Can you ever be yourself?

@SStopRaisingHim what do you mean can I ever be myself? Sorry if obvious!

Yes fertility allegedly "declines" at 35, but anecdotally the majority of my friends had their first baby in their late 30s early 40s. In fact one of them got pregnant the first month of trying with all three children.

It is difficult. I understand the yearning that comes when a specific opportunity doesn’t present itself and over which you have very little influence.

I've never had any of these either. I'm 44.

I had a child alone thou, this was my happy ever after.

You're fine as you are OP.

@DoingItMyself

How old are you?

'Job and friends' sounds good to me.

I've never had any of those things either .. but I'm 30, I don't want any of them, and I'm happy.

[quote penguinwithasuitcase]@Treewu has this feeling got a lot stronger since the pandemic?

A lot of people I know (mid-late 30s) have been really hit hard emotionally by the past year and the 'what is my life really about?' thoughts that it's brought up.

That's not to say your feelings aren't valid – they absolutely are, and I'm sure they existed beforehand –but I wonder if they're amplified right now by what's happening in the world?[/quote]
@penguinwithasuitcase not really no, it’s always been there. The pandemic made me feel less alone really as others talked about isolation and loneliness working from home etc but that’s been my whole life almost, so I actually felt understood for a change!

I’m just very lonely. I will see a friend later and that will be nice but I will drive home to ah empty house. I could crash on the motorway and nobody would be wondering where I am. My existence is pointless and insignificant

At 38 the hen party, marriage and new house are all totally possible. Having a baby might not happen but having a family is doable

Actually think having a baby is the one thing that is possible as it doesn’t rely on anyone else.
The other stuff can come later.

I know more than one person who has met their Dh through their child’s school or activities

@thelegohooverer

I felt very much like you before I met dh. But even in the heady early lived up days, I still had the exact same negative thoughts running on a loop - I’m so lonely…I’m never going to find someone who loves me…I’ll be alone forever…. It was very jarring because my reality was the exact opposite. It brought home to me that our thoughts aren’t truth or trustworthy (which is basically the premise behind CBT).

I think you should investigate the possibility that you could be suffering from depression. I’m not saying that your grief, at not living life as you imagined, isn’t justified. But having good reasons to be sad doesn’t preclude depression.

Ime, as someone who suffers from depression, happiness is something that has to be practiced. I know that there are naturally happy people too. My friend is one - life knocks her down but she’s never sad for very long. I could win the lottery and probably be tending to feel sad again a few days later.

I won’t deny that life improved for me after meeting dh but that was as much to do with taking charge of my mental health (and recognising that I could). The problem with feeling down is that it blinds you to the things you have control over.

It’s very easy for me to write this - far harder for you to do it.

@thelegohooverer I think I do have low level depression and that’s just who I am. I can be the life and soul of a party but that humour masks a lot of misery. I agree happiness needs to be practised, that’s an interesting idea. Thank you.

I think my longing for these things has been the root of a lot of pain. I would do anything to come home to someone. To come home to a house with lights on, the tv on, to share watching a documentary or talk about changing the carpets. Everything I do is lonely. Friends are there for me and they are wonderful but it’s not the same. I mostly spend my money on distracting myself from how unhappy I am. The weekend stretches out punctuated with coffees or a lunch but ultimately very very lonely. If I didn’t organise these things I wouldn’t see anyone from one day to the next. My bed is always empty.

I never had a hen do
Married to an abusive man
Met someone fab at 47
Bought my home at 46- by myself tbf but it’s mine and I don’t need to ask/ disc with anyone about paint colours or pictures etc

At 38 you have time. You’re still really young

You’re in a massive mental rut so even the best suggestions on here will sail past you.

I’m just very lonely. I will see a friend later and that will be nice but I will drive home to ah empty house. I could crash on the motorway and nobody would be wondering where I am. My existence is pointless and insignificant

Have you looked at the possibility you are suffering from depression
I know that everything feels futile.
I have had times in my life where there isn’t anything to look forward to and nothing is happening and you get that complete flatness and bleakness.
It takes a while to recognise it for what it is.
I think this pandemic hasn’t helped.

My only way of getting over it is to make a plan, do something different.
Look seriously into changing what you can.
Divide your list up into what you can change

Never bought a place with someone
Never been engaged
Never been married
Never had a hen do
Never had a proper anniversary
Never had a wedding

All rely on someone else being in your life

Never had a family

This is something you can change by going down the sperm donor route or adoption

Change what you can and the rest will follow

Never bought a place with someone - me neither but bought alone and would always recommend that over co ownership
Never been engaged - on a drunken night out a new boyfriend git down on one knew and gave me his ring but our 'engagement' only lasted a week so don't think it counts

• another boyfriend of a year said he wanted to marry me but never actually proposed, got a ring, told anyone else about it so don't think that counts either

Never been married - see above Never had a hen do - see above Never had a proper anniversary had a LTR but the last anniversary never even got acknowledged Never had a wedding - I've never even been invited to a full wedding unless as a plus one, never been in the wedding party etc Never had a family - I do have DC's but now have a lot of regrets eg father's/ number/ life at the time

So honestly I don't think you are untypical. Yes as a teen/ 20 something I expected all these things. But now most of my peers are over 40 I'd say about a third don't have DC's/ never married.

And that's much better than the abusive relationships that are so prevalent!

At your age I didn't have any of those either. By 43 I had all but the hen night.

I know several very happy couples who didn't meet each other until they were in their 50's.

Have your other threads about this every few weeks not helped? What advice would you prefer? Help us understand what the other threads haven’t given you.