Dating thread 209: Summer of Love 2021

[BelladiMamma]

I've put a screenshot of the RULES here

Dear newbies and oldies they're excellent words of wisdom and deserve to be read frequently

Here's to all of us navigating the sea of twats, the tsunami of penpals and the ever receding tide of ghosters

Let's kick them into touch and have a summer of love ❤️

I'm another one who gets caught up in an imaginary life.
MrPosh had spent most of his adult life living and working glamorous jobs in Cannes, Monaco, Helsinki, Berlin etc. He really sold me the dream and I fell for it. I still think about him as the "one that got away", but realise now that the reality was never going to be like that - I have responsibilities and a child.

MrMud is very handsome, but has an ordinary job and a slightly complicated life. I spend my time convinced that he will find someone "better" , I'm willing to see how things pan out for now, but I feel a lot less invested than I did in previous irons, even-though I fancy him 10x more than any other. I think I'm becoming increasingly cynical as time goes on - I've now been on the apps/dating sites about 14 months

Have any of you tried Facebook Dating? I'd signed up for it ages ago. It doesn't post to your timeline or anything thank god . What I've noticed is that you at least get matches in your area. Possible draw back is that you might occasionally get msgs saying 'hey, you know xxxx' - might be awkward for some.

@Dirtyduck - I think that's the key - after a while the let downs stop hurting so much. Apart from on here, I don't talk to anyone in RL about OLD. If they even knew half, they'd think I was insane to put myself through it! Lol.

Can I just ask how you all how you keep the hope alive? The hope that yes, there is someone out there for you.
I mean how many unsuccessful dates need to happen before you decide that okay, maybe I'm meant to be single forever.
Each successive unsuccessful date chips away at that hope. No matter how light-hearted I try to approach dating, it still takes something away from me when I have to write off yet another prospect.
I'm so tired!

[quote Walkingalot]@Dirtyduck - I think that's the key - after a while the let downs stop hurting so much. Apart from on here, I don't talk to anyone in RL about OLD. If they even knew half, they'd think I was insane to put myself through it! Lol.[/quote]
I think i go in with the assumption that it's not going to work out from the outset now.
I have one friend I talk to in RL, she doesn't really understand it as she settled down with her first real BF and they have been married for 20+ years! She thinks its all crazy how I can be talking to/dating one guy then he just disappears...

@Spicymisosoup

Can I just ask how you all how you keep the hope alive? The hope that yes, there is someone out there for you. I mean how many unsuccessful dates need to happen before you decide that okay, maybe I'm meant to be single forever. Each successive unsuccessful date chips away at that hope. No matter how light-hearted I try to approach dating, it still takes something away from me when I have to write off yet another prospect. I'm so tired!

I'm getting there.

I'm getting terribly resigned to it all...being alone

@Spicymisosoup - chalk them all up to experience. Even when my 18mth relationship with MrGardner ended, it didn't put me off for long.
In RL, you'd go out, see someone, eyes meet across the room, chat, and if that went well, exchange numbers. With OLD, we are forcing that first casual meeting. It stands to reason that we aren't going to click with the majority. You eventually get blase about it. Keep dipping your toe in.

It's ok to be annoyed, frustrated, puzzled over our irons but the minute you start feeling hurt, stop and move on.

I think you're me languid. I would also have had a whole transatlantic life planned...😅

@HairyArsedMan thanks for the lowdown about kew. It’s a shame but I wont bother with it then. I want to go somewhere fabulous and magical during my days off!
@WeWantTheFinestWines I really enjoy reading your posts, you give great advice!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards one day you’ll meet your prince 👑 💗
@Isitreallyme177 chin up chicken, it’s nothing you’ve done.

I am so not missing the apps, it’s just heartache, disappointment and bad behaviour 😟 so glad I don’t have any of this shit in my life and I feel bad for everyone on here who does. Sending strength ⚡️💕

@Spicymisosoup

It's good having good dating, and being in love but (cliche) it really hasn't ever been the 100% life goal of mine?

I think the difficulty with dating when older (so not all of us are dating to have children and blend lives) is that we're trying to find someone we're both attracted to and who we can "gel our established lives" with?

Whereas a lot of people who got together when younger are building their lives together and I think it's easier to compromise and grow together if you're thinking "someone to start a family with and get a joint mortgage".

So I guess it's about expectation management really?

I do think a lot of people who get into relationships which work often see them more as a "practical alliance" rather than a "love match".

Similar values for money and financial levels, similar hobbies, similar friends. I mean they like the look of the other person but they're not like "the chemistry is sizzling and this is the sexiest person I have ever seen in my life"

We really are nuts on here... I'm chatting to Mr Ecology - who I haven't even met and am convinced I won't fancy - he mentioned he's planning to visit his brother, who lives in a really interesting country, and I caught myself wondering if I'd be going with him! 🤦‍♀️

@Dirtyduck I’m the same. My good friends who are all in long term rels/married, can’t talk to them about dating nowadays.. it’s changed so much (for the worse). All my single pals hate OLD too, across all ages, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s not one person I know says they like it or has any different experiences to what we all have.
Its really fucked up when you think about it

[quote Shayelle2009]@HairyArsedMan thanks for the lowdown about kew. It’s a shame but I wont bother with it then. I want to go somewhere fabulous and magical during my days off!
@WeWantTheFinestWines I really enjoy reading your posts, you give great advice!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards one day you’ll meet your prince 👑 💗
@Isitreallyme177 chin up chicken, it’s nothing you’ve done.

I am so not missing the apps, it’s just heartache, disappointment and bad behaviour 😟 so glad I don’t have any of this shit in my life and I feel bad for everyone on here who does. Sending strength ⚡️💕[/quote]
❤

Spicymisosoup I was just having a similar conversation with a friend. She's convinced that I will find someone.
But after 6yrs on and off the apps, 2 relationships that lasted just under a year and many, many disappointing dates, I feel it's very unlikely I'll ever meet someone.

SpringlikeBunk that's an interesting way to look at it and I don't disagree. But the pool of men in their 50's with similar values, hobbies etc seems to have run dry.
At what point do you start to compromise your values or decide that it isn't worth looking any more?

I’ve pretty much accepted now, without any feeling either way, that I’m not destined for any sort of rship with a guy, I think I’m just too much like hard work, I’ll just carry on being me and liking my life. I think some people just aren't destined to be in a partnership (me), I’ve pretty much felt alone my whole life, but I’m not even sad about it these days! Weird!

Sorry, that was me me me.. just spilling my guts here 💗

Thank you everyone. After cracking open the beer(not a good idea as I have to be up early tomorrow) and having a good cry I ventured on to the sot, there are some nice looking men on there but let's see how long I last this time (once I'm sober 😬).

When talking to a friend earlier he asked why I friend zoned Mr Cricket and I said because that's what he wanted and I thought I could do it.

Ah sorry @Isitreallyme177 - I didn't realise it was a done and dusted 'friends' situation. Sending (((hugs))).

So... Sorry to hear a few of us are feeling blue...

I'm back from my date zero. Was a bit weird...i like him. We kissed at the end. I'm not sure what he thinks. Why do we put ourselves through this??

@Shayelle2009 I feel the same, when all my friends were getting boyfriends I was always single. I had been single for 3 years when I met my ex and thought he was it for me. I had these stupid dreams of the happy family and kids parties so when my marriage failed so did my dreams. The thing is I still love him dearly but I'm not in love with him.

@Walkingalot we agreed we'd be friends because he wasn't in a place to date but wanted to stay in touch and meet as friends (his words) which we have been and he had been really supportive when my cat died suddenly. Maybe next time I should walk away.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Spicymisosoup

It's good having good dating, and being in love but (cliche) it really hasn't ever been the 100% life goal of mine?

I think the difficulty with dating when older (so not all of us are dating to have children and blend lives) is that we're trying to find someone we're both attracted to and who we can "gel our established lives" with?

Whereas a lot of people who got together when younger are building their lives together and I think it's easier to compromise and grow together if you're thinking "someone to start a family with and get a joint mortgage".

So I guess it's about expectation management really?

I do think a lot of people who get into relationships which work often see them more as a "practical alliance" rather than a "love match".

Similar values for money and financial levels, similar hobbies, similar friends. I mean they like the look of the other person but they're not like "the chemistry is sizzling and this is the sexiest person I have ever seen in my life"[/quote]
This is so true. I think of those relationships in my 20's as my 'baby' relationships.

I think this is where a lot of the male flakiness comes from as well. They're not really looking to be 100% coupled up either and won't compromise on certain things. I see it in my my Dad who's been single since he was 55. (Unlike my mum who's a massive people pleaser and tied herself in knots to get and keep a man). Most of time it was much better for Dad and it's only really since he was 70 that I think he'd have done better staying with someone. But he's a charming, depressive, uncompromising alpha male. And not suitable for women looking for companionship and fun dates.

And just like that I've got 3 date zero's and one date 2 next week.

Fully expecting 2 of them to flake at least. I think that's what the data shows us 😂

2 of them are with women and the comms have been more sparse but more to the point with them. Match, establish common areas of interest, flirt -> get a date in the diary. We'll see how it all pans out.

I've spoken to Mr Penpal

He's really struggling at the moment. Right. OK