Dating thread 209: Summer of Love 2021

[BelladiMamma]

I've put a screenshot of the RULES here

Dear newbies and oldies they're excellent words of wisdom and deserve to be read frequently

Here's to all of us navigating the sea of twats, the tsunami of penpals and the ever receding tide of ghosters

Let's kick them into touch and have a summer of love ❤️

@Isitreallyme177 Ok that’s fair enough though I would take it with a pinch of salt about you being his only date. If it’s any consolation, I’ve dated a couple of women that are ex-cabin crew and, while it’s a small sample size from the pool of relationship failures, they both said pilots are a nightmare.

@Isitreallyme177

Yes, I think some people are just naturally good at making others feel great so its easy to misinterpret that as "being genuinely interested or a genuine connection or wanting to stay in touch".

Like a lot of the doctors I dated are initially charming and great at "sitting there with a understanding expression and listening and connecting"

but it's just their job, it doesn't mean they like ME in particular. I wouldn't say they're players, they just are good at "the feelgood factor".

My ex who ghosted me was a patient-focussed doctor (and an emotional incontinent)

but was great at coming out with lines like "you matter, Bunk" and it sounding really sincere!

Equally I expect as a pilot MrCricket has to reassure the passengers and crew etc.

Or sometimes from the other point of view I think men often think physically attractive women have this "special connection" to them

when really if the same actions were being done by someone plainer and less pretty they'd interpret them totally differently!

@Isitreallyme177 - going against the grain here and based on my recent experience I would msg and ask what's going on.

After I msg MrBE to let him know that my cancelling our date was due to my low mood - he didn't reply. I posted on here about it. I left it (as advised) but then (after a couple of days and bolstered by wine) I msg him and asked why he didn't reply. I got a phone call. We had a heart to heart. He's called me every day since and has suggested dates. I've had to decline 2 suggested dates and he was ok about it. I have a youngish DC and can't do 'spontaneous'. We are going out Sat.
Interestingly, during our heart to heart I pointed out that he seemed almost too busy to have a g/f in his life. He said that he keeps himself busy as he didn't have a g/f. Makes sense. I guess in time the natural progression would be to plan stuff together. I could be on a wild goose chase but am prepared to see how it pans out.

[quote Walkingalot]@Isitreallyme177 - going against the grain here and based on my recent experience I would msg and ask what's going on.

After I msg MrBE to let him know that my cancelling our date was due to my low mood - he didn't reply. I posted on here about it. I left it (as advised) but then (after a couple of days and bolstered by wine) I msg him and asked why he didn't reply. I got a phone call. We had a heart to heart. He's called me every day since and has suggested dates. I've had to decline 2 suggested dates and he was ok about it. I have a youngish DC and can't do 'spontaneous'. We are going out Sat.
Interestingly, during our heart to heart I pointed out that he seemed almost too busy to have a g/f in his life. He said that he keeps himself busy as he didn't have a g/f. Makes sense. I guess in time the natural progression would be to plan stuff together. I could be on a wild goose chase but am prepared to see how it pans out.[/quote]
There's a lot to be said for interpreting the actions not the words of people you come across in OLD. So if someone isn't calling or pursuing you should also not chase.

However, in your going against the grain post I would also say that it's only after 10 months and 6 dates that I've finally made my mind up about MrCypriot.

Also BeardFlake said he wasn't ready for a relationship and deleted his profile.
MrIrish said he didn't like OLD and was happy we'd connected and then deleted his profile.

I don't for a minute think I'm the only iron they have but equally those actions are at least showing that they're genuine in not being ready for a relationship / not being a player.

Very few people are players thankfully but there is this pleasant minority of charming and interesting people that can make a connection and are happy to stay in the friend - maybe boyfriend / girlfriend material zone.

isitreallyme I'm going to be brutal and ask you why you are in any kind of contact with Mr Cricket when you clearly want more? Are you being completely honest with him and yourself about it being a friendship? I could never ever be friends with someone if I wanted more. I can be friends with someone if I know that I'll be delighted for them if they told me they'd found a girlfriend. Genuinely delighted. If there's a whiff of heartache in the thought of them being with someone else I cannot be their friend. It wouldn't be fair on them and it wouldn't be fair on me.

And with an actual friend you don't misconstrue kindness. You don't fret about comms dropping off. You don't worry about whether to get in touch or what to say. You just bimble along, have the odd chat, meet for a catch up maybe, but it's easy.

Please don't keep torturing yourself with this thing that does not look like it will ever be what you want. Let it go. 💐

@WeWantTheFinestWines

isitreallyme I'm going to be brutal and ask you why you are in any kind of contact with Mr Cricket when you clearly want more? Are you being completely honest with him and yourself about it being a friendship? I could never ever be friends with someone if I wanted more. I can be friends with someone if I know that I'll be delighted for them if they told me they'd found a girlfriend. Genuinely delighted. If there's a whiff of heartache in the thought of them being with someone else I cannot be their friend. It wouldn't be fair on them and it wouldn't be fair on me.

And with an actual friend you don't misconstrue kindness. You don't fret about comms dropping off. You don't worry about whether to get in touch or what to say. You just bimble along, have the odd chat, meet for a catch up maybe, but it's easy.

Please don't keep torturing yourself with this thing that does not look like it will ever be what you want. Let it go. 💐

This too - very wise

OK I'll give telegraph dating a miss. I'm losing the will to live with swiping on apps though

Hi everyone,

Not much of an update here. I told Mr OTT that I wouldn't be on Tinder much as I need to prepare for September. He said he needs to do the same, so I think we're on a break for now.

I've been feeling a bit up and down these past few days. I've had a couple of misses on OLD and I'm a bit stressed with college stuff.

I've got a book club meeting at Cote at the end of month, so that should cheer me up a bit.❤️

I know I'll meet someone eventually, but I don't think it's the right time for me at this moment ❤️

@ActonSquirrel

OK I'll give telegraph dating a miss. I'm losing the will to live with swiping on apps though

When I first joined I paid the subscription and did message a few that I liked the look of, I was either ignored or politely told they weren't interested. I didn't get one decent chat out of it and I joined over a year ago! But I will say that the quality of people was higher - professional types with well written profiles, however I found the rating some gave themselves for looks was very questionable, Lots of blokes who looked like mouldy old potatoes rated themselves as "very attractive"

Thanks everyone, I just want someone to want me. Is that too much to ask? I even said to my ex (the man that called time on our marriage) "what's wrong with me, am I that unlovable". I'm having a rubbish day today 😭.

@Isitreallyme177

Thanks everyone, I just want someone to want me. Is that too much to ask? I even said to my ex (the man that called time on our marriage) "what's wrong with me, am I that unlovable". I'm having a rubbish day today 😭.

@Isitreallyme177 ❤️😘❤️😘❤️😘❤️😘

Of course you do isit. We all do.

Sorry you're having a rubbish day

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Yeh I think we're dating twinning right now!

I don't have time to meet anyone new (if I did it would just be "dating for it's own sake") so am basically putting things on ice for now and working on myself and progressing other goals -financial and practical.

I'd actually like to be in love but just "accepting I don't have the time right now". Plus this sounds quite vain but all the late nights and changing my sleep/eat routine were wreaking havoc on my skin and fitness!

Wouldn't mind seeing MrC again but we'll see as I'm on a massive deadline right now.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Yeh I think we're dating twinning right now!

I don't have time to meet anyone new (if I did it would just be "dating for it's own sake") so am basically putting things on ice for now and working on myself and progressing other goals -financial and practical.

I'd actually like to be in love but just "accepting I don't have the time right now". Plus this sounds quite vain but all the late nights and changing my sleep/eat routine were wreaking havoc on my skin and fitness!

Wouldn't mind seeing MrC again but we'll see as I'm on a massive deadline right now.[/quote]
@SpringlikeBunk 👍🏻🙂❤️

That sent way too soon.

I know that feeling so well - nobody will ever love me, what's wrong with me.... There's nothing wrong with you, you are completely lovable and someone will see that! 💐💐💐

Sorry to hear that @Isitreallyme177 it's a perfectly valid way to feel!

I mean yes all the self-care thing is fine and we all know how to do that, but sometimes "having another attractive human being on your team" is what you want?

@Isitreallyme177 - sending you hugs, get yourself back on the apps if you feel up to it - maybe try a new one? I think if (or when) I go back on them I might try Tinder or Badoo as I've not tried them yet.

If anyone else is in the countryside, I have found some of my best chats have been on Muddy Matches. There isn't a massive amount of people on there, but the ones on there seem keen...lots of lonely farmers if that's your bag!

I think with app dating it's so easy to meet guys and just get a "glimpse" of this imagined great new life we think we "could" have and then it all disappears - so not good for mental health overall!

@Isitreallyme177

Thanks everyone, I just want someone to want me. Is that too much to ask? I even said to my ex (the man that called time on our marriage) "what's wrong with me, am I that unlovable". I'm having a rubbish day today 😭.

@Isitreallyme177 No, I don't think it's too much to ask for and I'm sorry you're having a rubbish day

I'm with @WeWantTheFinestWines re the friends dilemma. You absolutely cannot be friends with someone who you secretly want more from, even if it's a secret from yourself. It's a recipe for feeling shit about yourself imo. The more you deny the way you feel the stronger your feelings are going to make themselves known.

This relationship is starting to make you question your self worth and value as a person. That's not something that happens with friends.

He sounds lovely but not up for what you really want and ultimately you're going to feel disappointed- repeatedly.

I wouldn't chase because I think he knows how you feel but can't reciprocate. Give him some space and focus on you ❤

@SpringlikeBunk

I think with app dating it's so easy to meet guys and just get a "glimpse" of this imagined great new life we think we "could" have and then it all disappears - so not good for mental health overall!

Totally!

Last night I unexpectedly matched with a very hot international lawyer who splits his time between here and New York 🤩

I swiped on him about a week ago and forgot all about him. But by this morning I had a whole transatlantic life planned out with him.

I sent him a brief friendly message this morning and he unmatched me almost immediately. Then I remembered that I'm a slightly scruffy middle aged single parent and I felt a bit pissed off about life in general. I was perfectly happy before I got cruelly "unmatched".

LOL @Languidleopard

There's a really talented songwriter/singer called Emmy the Great, and she's written a (little bit of a tongue-in-cheek song) about a similar experience.

How as a (perfectly attractive successful woman) she meets someone "mega rich" and there's this "glimpse" into a glamorous life and even though it's nonsense she gets caught up in it....

"Hey, rich kid
I'm here, I want it
The sunshine, your timeline
The good time, and
Your blue swimming pool

Love is something that I've always thought
I could never go inside
Now I've seen you here,
I don't know how
I even used to be alive
Can I stay here for a while?
Watch you till my heart unwinds
Until I know I won't forget you"

Oh @Languidleopard I’m glad it’s not just me that runs away with a fantasy of how life will be!
I really am the worst person for this!

@Misty9 thanks for your post! nice the kids are home, are they still little? Well with MrElf he has a lot of friends all over the place because of his job he travelled, and i think before we met he was planning an adventurous summer to see everyone. He‘s sent me flight details and told me when he‘s planning to come back and that if i want he‘ll come straight to me when he‘s back. I‘m just not up for a long-distance/week on/week-off type relationship. I have told him this but i know from experience that its actions you have to watch for and not what they say they‘ll do. I’m planning to
give him the benefit of the doubt with this trip. But if in a few weeks he’s off again i’ll have to take a step back because as invested as i already am i know what i’m after and it isn’t a relationship with my phone.

How’s things with the move @SpringlikeBunk

Yes virtual wine would be wonderful @Isitreallyme177 but you NEED your headspace back that he is taking up! I know each individual connection can’t really ever be fully understood by someone else but he is bringing you down. Definitely match his communication level even if this does end up letting things fizzle out. It gets easier! sorry to be harsh! Hugs and best intentions meant by everything i’m saying!

@Naimee87

All good, having a massive Kondo style clearout which is quite emotionally nice really. Would like to eventually go really minimalist.

I had a lot of beloved "dating and going out dresses" I've cleared out

But actually, moving forward for meeting guys I'd rather present myself as quite a neutral geek so farewell to the fitted dresses! Plus I want to do more hostel travelling so want to be dressing for invisibility and avoid small-town harassment.

Hope things go well with MrElf's return. Can you arrange some nice "going out or a weekend away" activity with him when he gets back?