Dating thread 209: Summer of Love 2021

[BelladiMamma]

I've put a screenshot of the RULES here

Dear newbies and oldies they're excellent words of wisdom and deserve to be read frequently

Here's to all of us navigating the sea of twats, the tsunami of penpals and the ever receding tide of ghosters

Let's kick them into touch and have a summer of love ❤️

@ActonSquirrel thanks for posting those!

Some of my biggest takaeaways from the book @Shuffleuplove are the following:

• wait to have sex, and don't be in the position where you could come across as a tease. So no opportunities to get hot and heavy e.g. in the car, at their place or yours, until you are ready to DTD. Book recommendations at least a month. I'm taking that to be a month of dating not a month since matching
• being a dreamgirl/bitch is not about looks, its about attitude. "beautiful women get dumped every day".
• don't give away too much personal info early on, remain mysterious. Be honest but not too open.
• place a high value on yourself - don't talk him out of a compliment just say thank you. Act like you know you're worth it.
• don't accept last minute dates or "spontaneity" unless it's in between and in addition to another planned date.

These are ones that particularly speak to me on areas I think I need to do better on!

Theres so much gold in that book and its a really easy read so I do recommend it 👌

www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/post/establishing-assertiveness--queen-energy-from-day-one

This is a long read but great article about Female Dating Strategy (its one of the links on the Reddit page that was posted earlier). I keep coming across great snippets, here's one I love "Remember men's attention is cheap to attain so don't be flattered by it". Let's be real it is really easy to get a guy interested, to want to have sex with us etc. That's the low value man, or the low value attention, that we should not be excited by.

Morning all, hope you are all doing good. I've had a tough week. Told exh I'm seeing someone out of respect for him as he has fallen in with a crew of men who socialise in the area my iron is from and we go out in. He didn't take it well and has gone from being friendly to sending horrible texts saying if my iron was such a good catch he'd be taken by now and that I'm being used. It has made me start to doubt everything and become anxious if I dont get a text or a reply even though I know my iron has a busy life and makes time for me, communicates regularly and has really given me no reason to doubt him. Any advice on how to shake these feelings and move on? Am fed up trying to please everyone else and this relationship is the one place I don't feel I'm doing that. Sorry for the rant.

As a mental note, I think I gave too much away on my date with Mr Italy. Nothing too gritty but a few bits about family I would have rather kept back til later. We also had a laugh about previous dating fails and so on, which is always great and entertaining conversation BUT I'm wary of sounding like I've had too many bad experiences or usually go for idiots. That doesn't really speak to being a "High Value Female" to quote the FDS.

On our next date I'll try and curb that, and it will be a shorter date too so less time for spilling my guts hopefully 🤞😂 and I'm going to keep the kiss at the end really brief and say I'm tired and escape rather than getting too passionate.

@LuckyLinda3 Block him on your phone and tell him email only or turn off text notifications from him and only check when you're mentally ready.

Your ex is just being spiteful because the same could apply to him, why is he single at his age? ( we know he's a dick)

Just thank god that you left your ex when you did, imagine putting up with his attitude all the time.

Aw thanks @SortingItOut. Yes I was thinking the same. I do realise we are all taking risks with any new relationship but I'm enjoying where I'm at and dont need the negativity. Just need to pull myself together as I dont want this negatively impacting my new situation. Thanks again.

I can’t believe the rubbish date ‘0’s that have taken place… what is the deal with these knobs? And all the game-playing. Admittedly with MrElf he brought up some things from his past he wasn’t proud of on the first official date we had but everyone has a past and either you accept it an move forward or its a deal-breaker. I am still processing his revelations as our backgrounds/cultural upbringings couldn’t be more different really. @dancemom to openly say on a date ‘0’ that you’ve been in trouble for vocalized racist comments is another level. The dusty car collection wouldn’t put me off as i’d love to get stuck in to see if anything could be salvaged and re-built!!!! @SortingItOut i have a friend much like you she’s very straight to the point/no messing and was SO harsh with MrS and me. I was like you both @Misty9 and @actionsquirrel he was saying all the right things, giving me hope only to vanish, go silent and then reappear as if nothing had happened she really made me realise i was taking scraps/breadcrumbs. Was tough to hear but necessary! Ugh. That feeling of something ending you never thought would and having to be the one to end it so frustrating. I think you get extra disappointed because of the ‘future’ you thought you’d have or at least that was me.
@Isitreallyme177 sounds so ridiculous but i don’t know what i’d do without my spare room and skipping rope it truly does get you in a good mood and often the less motivation you have and tired you feel the harder you should push yourself. Takes only you to achieve that feeling too no one else! I think its harsh when you don’t get the little txt to say ‘get back to you when things are calmer’ this takes no time at all to type really. I’d back off too and see how he likes the silence. Hard to commit too but curious to see his actions. @BelladiMamma i so agree with your comment about having each other on hand with bubbly to chat through the wanky dates, at least we’re all on here to vent/rant and make each other realise no one is alone! The cypriot (i think) sounds like the neighbour-man on paper so good, supportive and just a laugh but NO chemistry! Found that out the hard way as well as i am still trying to remove the bedroom shenanigans memory from my head.
@Heartbeats0708 how’s everything with you? I’m with my parents and son this week so my minds a little occupied with trips here and there. But happy to report MrElf is in touch. We’ve tried video calls but he’s really out in the country with his parents and signals crap. He’s taken to videoing himself and sending me these. I cannot bring myself to do this but sending voice notes and texts’. Trying to relax into this, be calm and quieten down the niggly thoughts. How’s MrD?
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i love how you talk about books, i wish i was able to read novels. The only book i’m currently reading is a technical manual on trucks and the handbook for the next set of theory tests, haha! So far no one is interested in learning or hearing about any of the current chapters i’m on. And yes be very careful about smotheryness, it’s so unnatractive!

@Naimee87 You're so right, i know I need to drag myself to the gym again today, right now I'm not feeling it but when it's done I'll feel so much better. I've been messaging a personal trainer (not dating related) and one of the things he asked me was "why not do nothing" my answer was "doing nothing isn't an option". As for Mr Cricket I think you're right, I'm going to ease off and see what he does.

Another great meme just popped up on Facebook

@Naimee87 it wasn't so much a dusty car collection, it was a not so subtle brag about how he hasn't driven his Subaru in months since he got his Audi and how he's going to pick up one of his Harleys next week as it's at a mates ... the financial version of name dropping 🙄 I'm the least materialistic person ever so it was completely wasted on me anyway

😣 so I was awake most of last night with this playing on my mind but I think I need to end things with MrHair 🙁 i just don't see us being longterm and I know he is in this deeper than me so it just feels unfair to continue seeing him. Hes lovely and I probably won't find anyone that will be as nice to me as he is and who I can trust as much but it just feels like something missing - like we're 20 years down the line and not only 4 months in I guess. But I just don't know how to tell him. It will be like kicking a puppy however I do it 😔 he wants to come round tonight for a coffee but he will want to kiss me as soon as he arrives and I'll feel like a bitch putting it straight out there as soon as he arrives so do I text first to say not working or is that harsh after 4 months 😖 I've never had to do this before 🤦‍♀️

Goodness me @dancemom what a horror!
All great here with Mr D thank you @Naimee87 had a lovely time away and seen him since. It's just so easy and relaxing to spend time with him, no games or wondering or ambiguity. The only sticking point is still the odd quiet times, as I said it's fine when we're in and although it's not awkward I'm just aware of it.
Glad Mr Elf has kept in touch!
@Slothmomma what's happened with Mr Hair? I thought you were on the smitten bench, did I miss something?

@Heartbeats0708 I don't know - hes done nothing wrong but I just don't think we feel the same. Hes very much "missing you" texts but deep down I know that if I was that in to him I would have been pushing to align our childfree weekends etc. I may be making the biggest mistake ever given how badly I've been treated over last few years but I've always said I'd rather be single than be with someone just for sake of it. I could continue as things are but I know he's getting deeper and deeper which doesn't seem fair

I think whats also been causing me to stress about this is knowing whether it is right thing to end it or am I self sabotaging which I know I do 😖

Sorry to hear that @Slothmomma, it thought things were all good with MrHair! But you know how you feel and if you don't see it working there's no point dragging things out for either of you. It might hurt initially but it will be better in the long run, can't tell you how many times I wish men had been honest with me sooner rather than stringing me along! (Not saying you are doing that but you know what I mean 😊).

Contact with Mr Metal has ramped up a bit and we are talking quite a bit now when we're not at work! I wasn't sure if he liked me at first but the more I spend time with him the more I realise that he is just a bit shy and introverted and I think he finds it harder than me to open up. Our shifts aren't quite matching up as much as I'd like but he's coming to meet me in my break at work for a little walk so he seems to be really trying to spend time with me which is really encouraging 😁

That being said, I do have another couple of irons on the go. I'm really finding though that the more time I spend with Mr Metal the more I just want to focus my time and attention on him and I'm really not fussed about the others 😂 Is it too soon, only 2 dates in, to drop all the other irons? I'm not going ask him to be 'official' or anything yet (unless he asks me! 😁) but I'm just really getting the feeling that I'm only interested in him. Wondering if I'm getting ahead of myself though, what do you guys think?

@Slothmomma

I think whats also been causing me to stress about this is knowing whether it is right thing to end it or am I self sabotaging which I know I do 😖

What about seeing him tonight first and making a decision afterwards??

@Dropdeadfred2 that might be a good idea as I'm not sure whether my anxiety is being clouded by how little we've seen each other lately 🤦‍♀️

@SortingItOut

Another great meme just popped up on Facebook

I'm going to have to provide some balance here. How he treats you is probably no reflection upon us.

I could have walked away from Mr Penpal and chose not to. I have to take responsibility.

I like this Instagram accounts view on it... it's not necessarily about you!

Cane out back to front. Never mind

@Slothmomma, I agree with @Dropdeadfred2. See Mr Hair tonight and see how it feels. Don't send a text, that's not the nicest way to address this with him. If you are having concerns when he is with you then you could maybe try to find a way to address it. It really depends what you feel is at the root of your uncertainty. Some people are not the best at getting the right level of communication about missing you etc when not together but are better in person. I would always advocate kindness though as he's not been unpleasant or difficult with you

@Slothmomma Just because you don't miss him when you don't see him doesn't mean things aren't good.
I very rarely tell Mr K I miss him, we are in contact every day and I have a busy life - I don't have time to miss him.

Why have your childfree weekends got to align?
If you met with them opposite then thats the status quo and presumably changing your weekends could inconvenience other people - anyway why do you have to change and not him?

What have your previous relationships been like?
If they were full of drama and love bombing then you would be used to having a constant adrenalin rush all the time.
Thats not love though.

My marriage was full of drama and I lived on adrenalin, it felt fine at the time but now I'm in a no drama relationship it feels very slow paced and sometimes boring but is actually what normal relationships are.

Hello and can I join please?

Tried Facebook dating and had 3 dates. Third was a two date thing and then stopped. Still friends and I broke the rule about investing too much in that one. However all good now.

Facebook dating hideous here so trying Bumble. Had not a single match so far, have checked my photos for stray bogies or signs of crazy and I don't think there's either to be found. Just a waiting game??

Not keen on Tinder as I absolutely do not want hook ups having stopped an easy FWB scenario to look for something more.

Also not wild about POF or Match purely as my ex will be on them and that I'd rather not see.

But it may come to those, however surely the same men will be there?

Our area has a huge lack of interesting eligible men, part of the reason I've not lived here my entire life and never dated a local man. I'm happy to travel if they are too sometimes....just gotta find the right guy(s)

@Slothmomma that sounds exactly how I felt with my ex boyfriend Mr Biology - especially the part about feeling you've been together 20yrs after a few months. In my case I carried on for a few more months, but it just didn't feel right. I'd say trust your gut... For me it was a lack of physical attraction too - do you fancy him still?

@SortingItOut it wasn't my intention to have him bring this stuff to my house and I did ask him to take it last time we saw each other. I've tried to contact him and he's ignoring it, so now I'm just pissed off with him - which is better than pining I suppose! I'll drop it round his when I can.

As for why I accept breadcrumbs? I just miss being part of a team I guess. I miss my family :( being neither one nor the other is a bit of a head messer I'm finding as I can't get into the groove of either state. I don't even really want to go through the whole early dating stage stuff really. I have a great life and am much happier with my own company than I used to be. I just don't want to be alone forever.

@Naimee87 your ability to remember everyone is impressive! So glad it's going well for you :)

Could this ‘men love bitches’ thing veer into game playing though? Like if you have to act all cool and unaffected all the time, not being upfront with your interest, are you really always putting yourself at a disadvantage? Or is it the case that you need to do it for the first few dates to weed out the crap men?
For example I matched with a man Sunday, he initiated a conversation, we chatted, he asked for my number to continue the chats later as he was out with friends, he messaged when he got home we chatted some more - and I haven’t heard from him since. I was thinking of sending a friendly message about the activity he was doing yesterday and it will show I’m interested in chatting more….but maybe I should hold off and if he’s interested he will contact again?? Any views?

@MayEye, I'd give it maybe until tomorrow at least. I think a gap of a couple of days gives him the chance to message and doesn't make you look over keen - ( hate these negative phrases, all you're actually doing is reaching out on a dating site to someone who has expressed an interest in you ). You could send a friendly check in and see what response you get. I would carry on with any other chats you have on the go in the meantime.