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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 209: Summer of Love 2021

999 replies

BelladiMamma · 06/08/2021 08:33

I've put a screenshot of the RULES here

Dear newbies and oldies they're excellent words of wisdom and deserve to be read frequently

Here's to all of us navigating the sea of twats, the tsunami of penpals and the ever receding tide of ghosters

Let's kick them into touch and have a summer of love ❤️

Dating thread 209: Summer of Love 2021
OP posts:
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16
FireandBrimstone · 09/08/2021 20:01

@dancemom eek. How did you extract yourself from the scene and what did you say (and how quickly after you left did you unmatch! 🏃‍♀️

SortingItOut · 09/08/2021 20:11

@Misty9 The other day you said you and Mr BE had agreed to go your seperate ways - that sounds pretty clear cut to me.

Why do you want to keep getting your hand burnt?

Do you definitely need your stuff back? Or can you just replace it.

No contact is the only way you will get over him, you are worth so much more than breadcrumbs

SortingItOut · 09/08/2021 20:15

@ActonSquirrel Why are you giving Mr Penpal headspace?

Messaging him and then deleting could be seen as game playing.

Can you put the ball in your court and message to end things once and for all?

I know he said he woukd like to have a relationship with you at an undetermined time in the future but you've wasted 18mths already - how much longer are you going to waste on him?

He's unlikely to ever give you want and need.
You are worth so much more than waiting about for contact.

Misty9 · 09/08/2021 20:23

[quote SortingItOut]@Misty9 The other day you said you and Mr BE had agreed to go your seperate ways - that sounds pretty clear cut to me.

Why do you want to keep getting your hand burnt?

Do you definitely need your stuff back? Or can you just replace it.

No contact is the only way you will get over him, you are worth so much more than breadcrumbs[/quote]
I know I'm worth more. It's his stuff and quite valuable, so I feel uncomfortable keeping it. We actually left it that we'd see how we feel once we can actually meet up again (he has his dc for a while), but then he was messaging, is it worth pursuing? So I concluded that it's a dead end.

SortingItOut · 09/08/2021 20:32

How far away does he live?
Could you drive to his and leave on the doorstep and ring him to ssy its there/leave in a safe space?
If too far could you courier it?

What is he going to change during the time he has his kids to make your communication styles align more and for him to be more available?

I know you've asked him to up the contact before and it worked a bit but realistically is he going to change that much?
If he's not why are you giving him the time of day?

FireandBrimstone · 09/08/2021 20:40

Just chanced on this article from the Guardian, thought Thread-mates might find it interesting. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/08/sales-funnels-and-high-value-men-the-rise-of-strategic-dating

I've already been following the Reddit sub mentioned in this piece. Whilst I can't criticise the principle of 'knowing your value' (and we talk about that here - even with @sorting's comments just minutes ago) in reality I find a lot of the Reddit groups content way too bitchy and aggressive.

Shuffleuplove · 09/08/2021 20:55

Wow @FireandBrimstone! Thankyou for posting that!

What are the key rules of FDS? Like, if you had to compact it into a couple of sentences?

Shayelle2009 · 09/08/2021 20:59

@dancemom that sounded like a nightmare you can’t wake up from. Thank goodness you got out of there sharpish.

I am not missing the apps at all. No irons, no chats, no flirts, nothing whatsoever…. so I just use my daily trip to the supermarket to give the glad eye to attractive older men. 🤣🤣 ahhh what has my life become …… 😬

Isitreallyme177 · 09/08/2021 20:59

So a friend just pointed something out to me which when she said it made complete sense. Mr Cricket had covid, a holiday with his daughter and now he isn't with her, maybe he just needs some thinking space. Add to that he was training for work last week he probably does need some thinking space. He wouldn't be reading my messages if he was ignoring me. Time to keep myself occupied and stop worrying.

Isitreallyme177 · 09/08/2021 21:00

@Shayelle2009 I like that idea, I never see nice men in the supermarket though.

Shayelle2009 · 09/08/2021 21:02

The highlight of my week is a VERY hot trademan coning to do a job first thing wednesday morning. Omg he is bloody gorgeous. I’ll need to get up early and glam up .. 😂

Shayelle2009 · 09/08/2021 21:03

Hey @Isitreallyme177 glad the gym made you feel better. Never fails does it 🏋️‍♀️

SortingItOut · 09/08/2021 21:08

@Isitreallyme177 But wouldn't a friend let you know he was having time out....

If a friend messaged me and I needed time out I'd reply like a decent human being and if they wanted to meet would mention my time out.

Who knows what is going on with him...all I know is that he is taking up a lot of your headspace which could be better spent on other things.

ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 21:09

@SortingItOut

Messaging him and then deleting could be seen as game playing.

I should worry about that why? Please do say why I should care if that is seen as game playing.

I've been upfront with him and he is the one who plays games, comes and goes, is very specific and yet so very vague at the same time.

Specific: he is not using me; he likes me a lot, he is going to see me again.

Vague: if he is not using me what is he doing? He hasn't ever said when or how this is going to change.

Why on earth should I care if deleting a message is game playing Confused

dancemom · 09/08/2021 21:09

@FireandBrimstone I used the weather as an excuse that I would have to leave before it got worse again. I haven't blocked him or anything, I'm hoping he could see my horrified face and knows we are not compatible.

@Shayelle2009 surely it can only get better 🙏🏼

Dropdeadfred2 · 09/08/2021 21:10

@dancemom

I had such high hopes .... within the first five minutes he told me he had the police at his door last week and he was taken for questioning over racist and homophobic comments he put on Facebook 😳

He then went on to talk about how he wanted to give up his job and breed his 5 dogs for a living and also how he had so many cars and motorbikes in his garages just collecting dust ...

I couldn't get away quick enough 🤦🏻‍♀️

Omg he sounds absolutely terrible ! How did you escape???
Shayelle2009 · 09/08/2021 21:11

@dancemom ‘seen my horrified face’… hehe… you poor thing 😔 it sounded awful. It defo can’t get any worse can it! So much crud out there 😣

FireandBrimstone · 09/08/2021 21:17

@Shuffleuplove

Wow *@FireandBrimstone*! Thankyou for posting that!

What are the key rules of FDS? Like, if you had to compact it into a couple of sentences?

The 'handbook',, as posted on the Reddit group, run to many, many links! Confused. I've not read them but the sentiment runs through every post (often very aggressively, as I've mentioned), so I'd summarise it as:
  • know your value
  • absolutely zero tolerance for men who don't make an effort
  • never be the one that does the running (called 'Pickmeisha' - I had to google that)

With the caveat that I'm sharing for interest rather than promoting or advocating, and for anyone on Reddit with a spare month to fill here's the link to the FDS handbook https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/recommendedreadingg_

SortingItOut · 09/08/2021 21:17

@ActonSquirrel Just because he plays games doesn't mean you have to, why lower yourself to his standards.

You are just stroking his ego by messsging him when he hasn't bothered with you for a week.

Honestly you are worth so much more

FireandBrimstone · 09/08/2021 21:19

@dancemom OMG saved by the crazy weather!

SortingItOut · 09/08/2021 21:25

@dancemom Surely no normal person admits to being arrested for homophobic and racist comments do they😱

Thank god for date 0's to weed out guys like this

ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 21:33

[quote SortingItOut]@ActonSquirrel Just because he plays games doesn't mean you have to, why lower yourself to his standards.

You are just stroking his ego by messsging him when he hasn't bothered with you for a week.

Honestly you are worth so much more[/quote]
My intention wasn't to play games though.

He saw the message and didn't reply and I just thought right then, wish I'd said nothing and deleted it. He won't know my thought processes but I hadn't intended to play games.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 09/08/2021 21:34

Need to catch up but just wanted to update on Mr Ecology. We chatted on the phone tonight and it was easy and fun and we have a lot in common. He asked questions without it feeling like an interrogation, told me stuff about himself, it was just a really lovely chat. We agreed we need to meet sooner rather than later. We're over 2 hours apart though. And I don't fancy him physically based on his profile pics. He looks slight, rather than manly. But I definitely would like to get to know him better, I think we could have fun together. Yay.

Dropdeadfred2 · 09/08/2021 21:36

So Mr Talker admitted that when he called me the other night he thought he was calling another girl he's talking to. I know he doesn't owe me anything... but I'm a bit disappointed. I can't judge him as I'm doing the same but he gave me the impression that he was just talking to me. ...Sad

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 09/08/2021 21:46

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Need to catch up but just wanted to update on Mr Ecology. We chatted on the phone tonight and it was easy and fun and we have a lot in common. He asked questions without it feeling like an interrogation, told me stuff about himself, it was just a really lovely chat. We agreed we need to meet sooner rather than later. We're over 2 hours apart though. And I don't fancy him physically based on his profile pics. He looks slight, rather than manly. But I definitely would like to get to know him better, I think we could have fun together. Yay.
That's great 😃
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