Would you end a relationship because of a lack of sex

[SexlessMess]

Been with my DP for 4 years, we have a house together. I have a DS 8 from a previous relationship. DS and DP get on great.

DP is everything I could have ever wished for. He’s kind, funny, smart, generous, supportive, gorgeous, warm, affectionate and every other positive word you can say about someone.

We get on great, we kiss all the time, cuddle hold hands etc. He get on with each others families, friends etc. Have a lovely lift going to amazing places (pre Covid obviously!) and have a really busy social life where we’re very much apart of a group of friends. Ds loves him and he’s brilliant with ds and gets on well with ds’s dad so we’ve even done days out with his dad and his wife. Life is truly great.

Except sex. When we first met we’d have sex 5 times a week at a minimum. He was always a bit vanilla (doesn’t give oral sex which I love but he tried it once and didn’t like it) but it was always hot and brilliant and I loved it. It slowest starting edging away, I can’t pin point when it ‘stopped’ but I remember we went away for our first anniversary and didn’t have sex af all.

I like sex and think a healthy sex life is part of a healthy loving relationship. I’ve brought up the lack of sex a few times with DP and he always kind of makes excuses. Well, not even excuses bur he says things like he doesn’t keep count of when we do it and just enjoys it when it happens. We went 6 months last year without having sex. 6 months!!!!! Night after night we’d come to bed, talk and laugh and cuddle then he’d say goodnight and kiss me and go to sleep.

When we do have sex it’s always really hot and amazing but after the 6 months we finally broke the dry spell and not it’s maybe once every 2 months ish.

I did have some gynae issues a couple of years ago and when I brought it up last year whilst in holiday (after being flat out rejected) and going to sleep in the otber room he said that he’s worried he’s going to hurt me which I said I wasn’t in any pain and plus, that’s not an excuse for it dwindling long before then

This is really rambling but I’m actually in tears writing this. Life is so great. Me and exdp had a terrible relationship but lots of sex so I know sex isn’t the be all and end all. Part of me thinks EVERYONE has flaws in their relationship and I love him so, so much but the other half of me feels literally embarrassed that my own partner barely touches me and I wonder how long I can carry on like this then I look at him and ds or have the funniest night with him
And suddenly I feel stupid

@SexlessMess

Also I prefer morning sex. I always have done and I do feel really tired in the evening so I’d prefer it in the morning and feel like we have more time

Male testosterone levels are generally highest in the mornings, and dip during the day, so morning sex might be the answer, along with a general T Level check to ensure he is in the normal range for his age

www.myhormonology.com/learn/male-hormone-cycle/

Thank you so much everyone. I really don’t want to end things at all, I love him and I get so much and he gives so much to me. I’m going to speak to him next week, try to stay unemotional and say it’s been nearly a year since we last talked about it and nothing has changed

And ask if there’s any help he thinks he needs

@SexlessMess

And ask if there’s any help he thinks he needs

Sounds good. There's something bubbling away in there and I don't think it's his lack of attraction to you.

cant you teach him to learn to give oral sex?

thats the best part of the act for me (a guy) to be able to see my partner squirm and groan before we have even had any PIV Action..

‘Pleased you are going to try and communicate OP, let us know how it goes.

As an aside, l was once called “shitty” on MN because l said I would not have sex with someone who would not go down on me and l have that little informal discussion first. But that little chat can save problems later.

Thank you everyone, it’s really
Helped being able to talk things through and have outsiders perspective. I’m sorry for everyone who is also going through these times

If a 31 year old man isn't going at it like a rabbit, something is off It's comments like this that make people in the Ops situation feel worse or suspect the worst from their partner. They think something must be wrong with them because "men want sex all the time". No. There is a whole range of reasons why they may have a low sex drive. They could have low self-esteem, they could be inexperienced which may impact them, they could have low testosterone, have ED, have depression or anxiety, they could have been abused or assaulted, they may just not be interested. It is very damaging to say oh he's young so there's something wrong if he doesn't want sex all the time. It can make men feel like they are wrong, they have been made wrong.

That's not to say I think OPs partner has a low sex drive. I just think he is lazy and thinks "I'll just get to the same end result without having to out any effort in with OP*.

OP you mentioned there is a possibility he may have been sexually assaulted but you're unsure as you disclosed being assaulted to him and think he would have disclosed at the same time. I just wanted to say firstly how sorry I am you have also experienced it. And how brave you are for telling people about it. Secondly, he may not have been ready to tell. He may never be ready to tell. Some people feel it would label them. It is extremely difficult to talk about something like sexual assault. I think the majority of survivors are worried they may not be believed. I think some men are scared they will be judged differently to women and that they will be seen as victims rather than survivors. You may never know for sure if something like this has or hasn't happened.