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Original poster

Would you end a relationship because of a lack of sex

133 replies

SexlessMess · 05/08/2021 18:16

Been with my DP for 4 years, we have a house together. I have a DS 8 from a previous relationship. DS and DP get on great.

DP is everything I could have ever wished for. He’s kind, funny, smart, generous, supportive, gorgeous, warm, affectionate and every other positive word you can say about someone.

We get on great, we kiss all the time, cuddle hold hands etc. He get on with each others families, friends etc. Have a lovely lift going to amazing places (pre Covid obviously!) and have a really busy social life where we’re very much apart of a group of friends. Ds loves him and he’s brilliant with ds and gets on well with ds’s dad so we’ve even done days out with his dad and his wife. Life is truly great.

Except sex. When we first met we’d have sex 5 times a week at a minimum. He was always a bit vanilla (doesn’t give oral sex which I love but he tried it once and didn’t like it) but it was always hot and brilliant and I loved it. It slowest starting edging away, I can’t pin point when it ‘stopped’ but I remember we went away for our first anniversary and didn’t have sex af all.

I like sex and think a healthy sex life is part of a healthy loving relationship. I’ve brought up the lack of sex a few times with DP and he always kind of makes excuses. Well, not even excuses bur he says things like he doesn’t keep count of when we do it and just enjoys it when it happens. We went 6 months last year without having sex. 6 months!!!!! Night after night we’d come to bed, talk and laugh and cuddle then he’d say goodnight and kiss me and go to sleep.

When we do have sex it’s always really hot and amazing but after the 6 months we finally broke the dry spell and not it’s maybe once every 2 months ish.

I did have some gynae issues a couple of years ago and when I brought it up last year whilst in holiday (after being flat out rejected) and going to sleep in the otber room he said that he’s worried he’s going to hurt me which I said I wasn’t in any pain and plus, that’s not an excuse for it dwindling long before then

This is really rambling but I’m actually in tears writing this. Life is so great. Me and exdp had a terrible relationship but lots of sex so I know sex isn’t the be all and end all. Part of me thinks EVERYONE has flaws in their relationship and I love him so, so much but the other half of me feels literally embarrassed that my own partner barely touches me and I wonder how long I can carry on like this then I look at him and ds or have the funniest night with him
And suddenly I feel stupid

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessMess · 05/08/2021 22:32

No I don’t see it as a dig at all. I probably worded it wrong, we were talking about not having sex and I mentioned Tenerife and I said it was lovely just relaxing and being with eachother like that. I probably didn’t use the word amazed I’m just exaggerating on here 😅. Off the top off my head I’d say there’s been… 3 times where I have seriously mentioned it and we’ve talked about it. Last year when I got upset he brought it up. I honestly don’t talk to him about it because I feel a) embarrassed that it’s even a conversation we neee to be having and b) I get so anxious about what he’s going to say and everything else is so good I don’t want to burst that little bubble

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessMess · 05/08/2021 22:33

Sorry that was to @AveryGoodlay

OP posts:
SquashMinusIsShit · 05/08/2021 22:39

Personally at 30/31 I'd consider ending the relationship if he wasn't prepared to even try because I couldn't face another 30/40 years of feeling rejected.

I agree with the masturbation = lazy/easy option but he needs to make an effort. I don't always feel like ripping DH's clothes off but we make sure we have sex regularly to keep connected. It's so easy to let life get in the way, but sometimes it has to be almost scheduled so it doesn't fall by the wayside

CutePanda · 05/08/2021 22:44

Is he gay, asexual or depressed? You’re both 31. Do you really want to spend the next few decades in a sexless relationship?

omgthepain · 05/08/2021 22:49

@RandomMess

Agree days?????

To be honest @SexlessMess you sound like you have a lovely life and a caring considerate partner

There is more to life than sex you could leave
Him and loose everything good just for a 2 minute shag 3 times a week

I know what I'd rather have

Anothernick · 05/08/2021 22:50

@SexlessMess

No I don’t see it as a dig at all. I probably worded it wrong, we were talking about not having sex and I mentioned Tenerife and I said it was lovely just relaxing and being with eachother like that. I probably didn’t use the word amazed I’m just exaggerating on here 😅. Off the top off my head I’d say there’s been… 3 times where I have seriously mentioned it and we’ve talked about it. Last year when I got upset he brought it up. I honestly don’t talk to him about it because I feel a) embarrassed that it’s even a conversation we neee to be having and b) I get so anxious about what he’s going to say and everything else is so good I don’t want to burst that little bubble
There's nothing wrong with looking back at holidays in terms of the sex you had, my DW still reminisces fondly about a sofa in Cyprus on our 10th wedding anniversary - almost 20 years ago. You would not feel greedy or embarrassed if you looked back at a nice meal you had, so why should sex be different?
birdglasspen · 05/08/2021 22:56

I’d stay, he sounds great, better than the DH who was harassing his postpartum, prolapse suffering wife for sex weeks after birth of their child. You obviously have different sex drives which you need to discuss. I do t think it means he doesn’t love you, some guys do t have the sex drive of others, if focus on his other good traits and be thankful for them!

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 05/08/2021 22:56

There is more to life than sex you could leave
Him and loose everything good just for a 2 minute shag 3 times a week

Or you could meet a caring, considerate person you also have a functional sex life with. Or you could be single and have sex outside a relationship on your terms. When you've no legal tie and no DC, why would you stay? I would rather not have a partner than have a partner it just isn't working with. And it isn't, is it? OP is deeply upset, they aren't communicating well, they aren't finding a workable compromise on an important issue.

unim · 05/08/2021 23:02

I did actually end my marriage over this and it was 100% the right decision for my personally. We didn't have children together and sex was a really important part of a relationship for me and it turned out that for him it wasn't - and he wasn't able to change that aspect of himself.

I think it depends on how important it is for you, and whether it's something you can work on together or not.

BrilliantBetty · 05/08/2021 23:03

Sounds like the rest of the relationship is really great so no I wouldn't pack it in because sex is once every couple of months.

Speak to him. Let him know it's serious and then initiate more frequently. If it doesn't get any better... leave him if that's how bad you feel about it. He can find someone he is compatible with and so can you. You're both still fairly young.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2021 23:03

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

*There is more to life than sex you could leave Him and loose everything good just for a 2 minute shag 3 times a week*

Or you could meet a caring, considerate person you also have a functional sex life with. Or you could be single and have sex outside a relationship on your terms. When you've no legal tie and no DC, why would you stay? I would rather not have a partner than have a partner it just isn't working with. And it isn't, is it? OP is deeply upset, they aren't communicating well, they aren't finding a workable compromise on an important issue.

Exactly.

What’s “everything good” about one person knowing how upset their partner is about something and not even doing them the courtesy of an honest conversation.

As for a 2 minute stag 3 times a week, if that’s what people think regular sex in a loving relationship looks like then no wonder they don’t see why it’s important. And poor them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2021 23:04

Good for you unim

I hope you found what you were looking for instead. No one should settle.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 05/08/2021 23:05

@SexlessMess you're so young for this to be happening. Please don't minimise it or feel it's trivial. It's not, it's really important - there is a reason why marriage traditions throughout the world and time emphasise consummating the relationship. You're too young to give up on this. I'm nearly 20 years older than you and I'm too young to give up on it! You're in your prime and too young to give up on having a truly full relationship in this sense.
The problem with sexless relationships is, often, the less you have, the less you want, so you get a downward spiral. That's why early intervention is a good idea and I think you mentioned "nipping it in the bud" - certainly the article on avoiding a sexless relationship I mentioned before seems to say that.

My friend with this issue thought there was something wrong with him when he lost desire. He saw a doctor for tests and a sex therapist, and they went for couples counselling. That's really putting the effort in; would your DP do this for you, to show that he values what is important for you?

On MN when men post saying their DW rarely / never wants sex, they're often advised to look at the relationship as a whole, not just the sex issue. I think this can apply to men who've lost their mojo too. It sounds like you two are otherwise happy, but I think this is sometimes a factor.

MorriseysGladioli · 05/08/2021 23:07

Perhaps he just does have a low sex drive.
I think it's more common than people are prepared to admit.
They would rather be too tired/stressed/ or any number of other reasons than say they just aren't that bothered.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 05/08/2021 23:15

[quote DivorcedAndDelighted]@SexlessMess you're so young for this to be happening. Please don't minimise it or feel it's trivial. It's not, it's really important - there is a reason why marriage traditions throughout the world and time emphasise consummating the relationship. You're too young to give up on this. I'm nearly 20 years older than you and I'm too young to give up on it! You're in your prime and too young to give up on having a truly full relationship in this sense.
The problem with sexless relationships is, often, the less you have, the less you want, so you get a downward spiral. That's why early intervention is a good idea and I think you mentioned "nipping it in the bud" - certainly the article on avoiding a sexless relationship I mentioned before seems to say that.

My friend with this issue thought there was something wrong with him when he lost desire. He saw a doctor for tests and a sex therapist, and they went for couples counselling. That's really putting the effort in; would your DP do this for you, to show that he values what is important for you?

On MN when men post saying their DW rarely / never wants sex, they're often advised to look at the relationship as a whole, not just the sex issue. I think this can apply to men who've lost their mojo too. It sounds like you two are otherwise happy, but I think this is sometimes a factor.[/quote]
Totally agree with this and I also agree with scheduling sex, it becomes a habit, both ways, doing it and not doing it.

sunnyzweibrucken · 05/08/2021 23:27

@Colourmeclear
”Sex isn't a big feature of what drives my self esteem or my feelings of connection/intimacy.”

Oh I am so glad to read this!!
I swear sometimes i feel like i’m the only one!

@YouShouldLeave you’re not alone. I feel the same way, and I always feel alone here when I read comments that people feel undesirable, lack of intimacy because of the lack of sex. Sex doesn’t affect me that way so I would never end a relationship because of it. Especially if the man is perfect in every way.

unim · 05/08/2021 23:28

@AnneLovesGilbert

Good for you unim

I hope you found what you were looking for instead. No one should settle.

Thank you. I haven't actually but I am still at peace with my decision (and very good friends with my ex-husband).

I have since had children as a single mother which is occupying all of my time and attention. I am sure I will have more interest in dating when they are older. I am still happy that I didn't settle for a relationship that didn't feel like a full relationship - although I am not in a relationship now, I feel good that I am holding the space for the kind of full relationship that I value and deserve.

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 05/08/2021 23:31

It's not so much the lack of sex that would bother me.

It's the lack of communication.

Bluejeanjen · 05/08/2021 23:42

Can I have him! I don’t want sex and wouldn’t care if I never had it again. I feel internal pressure to put out because I worry about my partner dumping me. I’d love to be with someone who didn’t mind

Opentooffers · 06/08/2021 00:01

You lost me at the beginning when he said he was so vanilla he doesn't like oral sex Shock - deal-breaker, go no further. Honestly, if a person is not into oral, then that would be fine, but as you say you were, just how far are you willing to compromise? That's pretty far in my book, and would be a total deal-breaker if any man still expected fellatio without reciprocation.
Is he as vanilla about receiving ? If he is, then that makes it less cut and dried.
Just because a person likes a regular sex life, doesn't mean their ego is based around it, I disagree with it being a self-esteem tie-in necessarily. I think it brings closeness, togetherness and sets it as unique between a loving couple, and going without for long periods, without good reason, can drive a wedge as it becomes the elephant in the room. It's good that you still share affection ( I would be standing well back after 6 months), but I'm not surprised that you are confused, you'd of probably been happier with twice on hol and once a week or so after that rather than every night, then nothing.
It makes me wonder if his inclinations are strongly tied in with how happy he is at the time. We know you are happy, is he? Not just with you, but life in general? It strikes me that when he was having a fab holiday experience, he was ok with every night, to the point where he hadn't noticed it was that frequent. So if he's relaxed, enjoying life, it flows for him - then covid happened, no hols, daily grind.
Although you have affection, do you flirt with each other during the day, that is part of the fun, that is an extension, prelude and reflection of fun in the bedroom and makes a relationship more enjoyable. You can be affectionate with a platonic friend, but you wouldn't flirt with them. Consider if there is no flirting going on between you, it will become dead over time if that is the case

MazDazzle · 06/08/2021 00:09

He’s not being honest with you. I feel like you’re being conned here. He’s pretending everything’s fine when he knows it’s not.

I couldn’t live with the constant feeling of rejection. It sounds like the whole situation has you questioning yourself and your relationship and wondering what the hell’s going on.

My DH and I have gone for months without sex at various points in our marriage. Sometimes it was because of me, sometimes it was because of him (DH’s mental health, pregnancy, new baby), but we were able to talk about it and we were both sad that we weren’t having sex.

6 months of no sex when everything else is apparently perfect would drive me mad.

It must feel like there’s always an elephant in the room.

AveryGoodlay · 06/08/2021 00:12

Off the top off my head I’d say there’s been… 3 times where I have seriously mentioned it May I ask if you non-seriously/jokingly bring it up?

MazDazzle · 06/08/2021 00:12

As for having sex everyday on holiday. Could it be that he had zero opportunity to masturbate as you were together all the time?

Snugglybuggly · 06/08/2021 00:23

He masturbates twice a week but wouldn't have sex for 6 months? Also won't do oral even though you love it? I wouldn't be happy with any of that are you sure he's not gay...

Snugglybuggly · 06/08/2021 00:25

@birdglasspen

I’d stay, he sounds great, better than the DH who was harassing his postpartum, prolapse suffering wife for sex weeks after birth of their child. You obviously have different sex drives which you need to discuss. I do t think it means he doesn’t love you, some guys do t have the sex drive of others, if focus on his other good traits and be thankful for them!
This guy has a sex drive he pleases himself twice a week!