Would you end a relationship because of a lack of sex

[SexlessMess]

Been with my DP for 4 years, we have a house together. I have a DS 8 from a previous relationship. DS and DP get on great.

DP is everything I could have ever wished for. He’s kind, funny, smart, generous, supportive, gorgeous, warm, affectionate and every other positive word you can say about someone.

We get on great, we kiss all the time, cuddle hold hands etc. He get on with each others families, friends etc. Have a lovely lift going to amazing places (pre Covid obviously!) and have a really busy social life where we’re very much apart of a group of friends. Ds loves him and he’s brilliant with ds and gets on well with ds’s dad so we’ve even done days out with his dad and his wife. Life is truly great.

Except sex. When we first met we’d have sex 5 times a week at a minimum. He was always a bit vanilla (doesn’t give oral sex which I love but he tried it once and didn’t like it) but it was always hot and brilliant and I loved it. It slowest starting edging away, I can’t pin point when it ‘stopped’ but I remember we went away for our first anniversary and didn’t have sex af all.

I like sex and think a healthy sex life is part of a healthy loving relationship. I’ve brought up the lack of sex a few times with DP and he always kind of makes excuses. Well, not even excuses bur he says things like he doesn’t keep count of when we do it and just enjoys it when it happens. We went 6 months last year without having sex. 6 months!!!!! Night after night we’d come to bed, talk and laugh and cuddle then he’d say goodnight and kiss me and go to sleep.

When we do have sex it’s always really hot and amazing but after the 6 months we finally broke the dry spell and not it’s maybe once every 2 months ish.

I did have some gynae issues a couple of years ago and when I brought it up last year whilst in holiday (after being flat out rejected) and going to sleep in the otber room he said that he’s worried he’s going to hurt me which I said I wasn’t in any pain and plus, that’s not an excuse for it dwindling long before then

This is really rambling but I’m actually in tears writing this. Life is so great. Me and exdp had a terrible relationship but lots of sex so I know sex isn’t the be all and end all. Part of me thinks EVERYONE has flaws in their relationship and I love him so, so much but the other half of me feels literally embarrassed that my own partner barely touches me and I wonder how long I can carry on like this then I look at him and ds or have the funniest night with him
And suddenly I feel stupid

Yes and I did .

Agree with others there is likely some issue here and he isn’t being totally honest

If he’s wanking then he clearly has a sex drive

Intimacy issues , a physical issue , porn addiction ?

Sorry not much help but basically I’m saying I’d have more of a serious chat

This killed my marriage.

And it was down to laziness. As you say, when you have sex its amazing and hot etc but...he only gets one orgasm. Presumably you have several. So when he is feeling horny he thinks "I want sex but then I have to do X Y Z for her...." and he cant be arsed, so he has a wank. Same end result, less effort.

My ex did eventually admit this and your post reads word for word like our sex life (or rather wasnt). It wont improve and I found that the lack of effort crept into other areas of our life. We were affectionate like you are but it just wasnt enough. I left and I suggest you do too.

The fact his first and only sexual experience was when he was 24, is really unusual, surely this along indicates that he's either asexual (there are degrees, so he has 'spells' of interest) or gay, or has religious upbringing - essentially he avoids sex and doesnt see it as important (with a woman as the case might be).

I mean, the only experience before meeting you, OP.

Oh and him not ever doing the oral, just adds to what I said.

*alone

I am finding the theories a little hard to get along with. Yes he could be gay/asexual/repressed etc but lets go with Occams Razor..... its most likely that he cant be arsed because he gets everything he needs out of the relationship with little to no effort on his part.

Are you sure he isn't getting it somewhere else? If I was in your situation I would be asking questions, he either doesn't fancy you any more, is getting it somewhere else or is gay/bisexual, not wanting sex at 31 isn't normal. When I was with my late dp & he was 31 we had sex at least 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes more.

Apart from sex being sparse, you say the sex is hot and amazing yet he doesn’t give oral which you love. Surely there is some contradiction here?

I wouldn’t have entered a relationship where there was no oral, it’s important to me.

Yes, l would try and communicate with him and see what transpires. But it does look as if he won’t listen. If things don’t change, l would consider walking away.

@DivorcedAndDelighted great article thank you!

I honestly don’t talk to him about it because I feel a) embarrassed that it’s even a conversation we neee to be having and b) I get so anxious about what he’s going to say and everything else is so good I don’t want to burst that little bubble

OP, if your relationship is strong and worth saving, you should be able to have this conversation with him.

Your (understandable) anxiety about communicating over this is as much a barrier to solving this as whatever is causing his reticence.

His inexperience by the time you got together, his aversion to oral sex, his gaslighting of you when you have talked about it… there could well be some issues that underlie his unwillingness. Given that he has enough desire for sex to masturbate.

If it is solvable (with therapy for psychological / emotional issues or hormone treatment for example, or because he has a medical condition) why not go all out and seek a solution?

Or if it is not solvable (he is gay and hasn’t yet fully realised, for example) then you need to know now, at this end of your young life!

Can you choose a time when you are alone and calm, not upset, tell him how much you value the relationship that you have but because you love him and love the life you have you want to be honest about how his seeming lack of sexual desire for you makes you feel. And it would help if you could either find a solution or at least understand more about his own feelings around sex and sexual impulse. Let him know that one solution could potentially be that you come to terms with different sex drives, but to do that you need to understand him so that you don’t take it personally.

Ask him about his fantasies when he masturbated. How he felt about his emerging sexual desire as a teenager. Whether he grew up viewing sex as something to look forward to.

Tell him how you enjoy sharing your love through sex.

Ask gently whether he could get checked out for any easily treatable medical condition.

Tell him you are trusting the strength of your relationship to talk to him about this because for you it is the one thing that weakens your life together.

Thanks again for the replies. I’ll try to answer everything:

I don’t think he’s gay, I’ve seen him looking at other girls (not openly ogling but just a passing glance at a pretty girl which is fine!). Also I don’t think he’s having sex with anyone else, of course I know enough and have been round the block enough times to not be naive and think ‘oh he would never do that to me’ but there’s been absolutely no suspicion that that is happening, he’s open with his phone etc. I’m not saying he definitely wouldn’t but nothing in my mind tells me he is doing that.

With the oral thing again everything else was so good that it didn’t really bother me. I suppose I just thought it’s not the end of the world and we used toys etc so I was getting that stimulation.

Trying to think of the other questions… no I never mention it in a joke way at all. Literally apart from the times it’s been brought up it’s not mentioned. Actually tell a lie, when it first started dwindling I did mention it. When I say brought it up seriously I meant planned a conversation, sat him down to talk about it not just blurted it out over breakfast.

Yeah we flirt all day, touching and kissing and jokey flirting etc. Lot of eye contact, very touchy feely.

I suppose reading these replies and being totally honest with myself… I’ve had crap relationships where they treated me bad/were abusive/just strung me along. I met him and truly, he was like a breath of fresh air. Everything was good and he was all I ever wanted. So then as times gone by and the sex has stopped I’ve kind of pushed it to the side because I don’t want to split up, I don’t want to end it and I suppose I’ve thought to myself if the worst thing that’s up with us is that we don’t have sex often then that’s a something I’m willing to put up with because apart from that life is good.

BUT in reality (and again this is something that’s pushed to the back of my mind and not soemthing I ever like to admit) that just doesn’t work. My self esteem is taking a battering. I’m doubting myself all the time and feel rubbish. And he knows this. Last time we spoke about it I said I’m not humiliating myself by bringing this up over and over. I told him that the longer it goes the gap just widens and widens and at some point it’s going to be too big to close back up (I love a metaphor 😅). Again he seemed astounded that this would be such a big issue to me. But nothing changed. So maybe he just doesn’t care? Either about sex or me 😢

Oh and about the only having slept with one girl. To be fair that didn’t really ring too many alarm bells, his friends are all a bit like that, the ones in long term relationships have been with their partners since teenagers where was the 3/4 that are single never ever have girls, they never pull girls or are dating or anything. I don’t know why as they are genuinely such catches but when they go out they just stick to their group, no Internet dating etc and DP works in a very very male dominated environment, he did say he always felt bad about not meeting girls but that work was a no because it’s all men (even now there’s one female in an office of 130), when he was out they all just stuck together and Internet dating wasn’t something he would do.

Hope that answers everything. I’m feeling really sad and upset this morning 😢

Oh also he likes oral sex (I like giving it!) but he always stops me after say 5 minutes and we move on to something else. He would never be able orgasm from a blow job, well I don’t think so anyway we never get to a finishing point with them

@sunnyzweibrucken
@Colourmeclear
@YouShouldLeave

It isn't with me either because I have the exact amount of sex I want, if I initiated it DH would say yes & DH never makes me feel weird for talking about it or asking for it. The OP doesn't have all that so yes it affects her self esteem

At the end of the day he is living his life how he wants, and you’re not.
Are you prepared to compromise for the rest of your life ?
I wouldn’t.

Also (I’m waiting for a bus in the rain and all I’ve forgotten my AirPods so all I have is Mumsnet 🤣) our communication about everything else is fine. There’s not a thing in the world we don’t talk about and we even talk about sex, as if it we’re watching something and something about sex comes up we discuss whether we’d try it and stuff. But not our sex life.

The only other thing which I can think of is sometimes I wonder if something bad happened to him when he was younger. A friend asked me this recently when I was telling her about the issues, was whether I think he may have been abused and that’s why he has a weird issue. There’s 2 things that maybe I’ve read wayyyyy too much into but here goes:
When that man in Manchester got arrested and jailed for drugging men and raping/abusing them he acted a bit weird. I can’t really describe it but it was like he’d seen a ghost. His first apprenticeship was in Manchester so he lived there for 2 years (before the time span of that man) but he kept saying that could have been me but in a strange way, almost like he’d seen a ghost? I don’t know, that’s not making much sense I know but he was just different
B) there was a doc on netlfix about a man who lost his memory but it turns out him and his twin had been seriously sexually abused by their mum, given to other men to use etc. It was heart wrenching. He was in absolute FLOODS of tears. I mean sobbing. I’ve seen him cry twice, once was his grandads funeral and the other was when he walked his sister down the aisle. And even then it was a few tears. Now this story was obviously really distressing and sad. But I couldn’t believe how much he was crying.

So that’s my only kind of opinion. It could be nothing or it could be everything. I’m a massive overthinker.

But if that’s the case I’m not sure what to do. We were at it like absolute rabbits in the first few months. He doesn’t recoil away from me or anything now when we hug and kiss etc

[quote girl71]"@RandomMess I would actually tell him you want sex twice per week and agree days. Get back into the habit of it and then see if you can have it unscheduled".

WTAF? Are you serious? [/quote]
It does work for some people.

OP, you may be onto something there. If he chooses therapy, don't go for the average counsellor attached to the GP surgery. You need someone who specialises in such cases.

A caring partner will listen to problems raised by the other one and do what they can to help. You have an obvious problem that he is obviously capable of helping with but he is refusing to take it seriously and making you feel guilty for raising it. A mutually satisfactory sex life is fundamental to a successful LTR - especially at your age - and if he doesn't see that then your future together is in question.

If something bad did happen to him when he was younger then I would do absolutely everything I could do to help him (not for sex because I love him and can’t stand the thought of him being hurt)
But I might be totally and utterly off the mark on that one. I told him about 2 times when I was younger I was sexually assaulted and he said he’s never had any experience of that and the worst that’s ever happened to him was being catcalled by a hen party who wouldn’t leave him alone on a night out and kept asking him to show them his dick/ making sexual jokes at his expense so I’m sure he would have told me then?

I understand your situation op.
You no doubt feel unloved and rejected at times. Once things start opening up and you spend more time apart as previously, you will feel lonely too and rejected.
It does need nipping in the bud.
Is your dp willing and able to talk about sex much?
My ex wasn't willing to talk about sex, despite me approaching it in different ways. I ferlt very lovely and rejected and tbh it built resentment. I could not get past it.
So what you might think of as a sex problem, spreads into other areas.
Good luck.

OP, from what you've written I really believe he does find you attractive but he has a different attitude towards sex.

It clearly just hasn't featured in his life much at all before you. There seems to be an initiating issue or a block with the act itself as he flirts ok and when it happens, it's great. I think this can be resolved with counselling.

Was his upbringing strict, conservative or religious?