Would you end a relationship because of a lack of sex

[SexlessMess]

Been with my DP for 4 years, we have a house together. I have a DS 8 from a previous relationship. DS and DP get on great.

DP is everything I could have ever wished for. He’s kind, funny, smart, generous, supportive, gorgeous, warm, affectionate and every other positive word you can say about someone.

We get on great, we kiss all the time, cuddle hold hands etc. He get on with each others families, friends etc. Have a lovely lift going to amazing places (pre Covid obviously!) and have a really busy social life where we’re very much apart of a group of friends. Ds loves him and he’s brilliant with ds and gets on well with ds’s dad so we’ve even done days out with his dad and his wife. Life is truly great.

Except sex. When we first met we’d have sex 5 times a week at a minimum. He was always a bit vanilla (doesn’t give oral sex which I love but he tried it once and didn’t like it) but it was always hot and brilliant and I loved it. It slowest starting edging away, I can’t pin point when it ‘stopped’ but I remember we went away for our first anniversary and didn’t have sex af all.

I like sex and think a healthy sex life is part of a healthy loving relationship. I’ve brought up the lack of sex a few times with DP and he always kind of makes excuses. Well, not even excuses bur he says things like he doesn’t keep count of when we do it and just enjoys it when it happens. We went 6 months last year without having sex. 6 months!!!!! Night after night we’d come to bed, talk and laugh and cuddle then he’d say goodnight and kiss me and go to sleep.

When we do have sex it’s always really hot and amazing but after the 6 months we finally broke the dry spell and not it’s maybe once every 2 months ish.

I did have some gynae issues a couple of years ago and when I brought it up last year whilst in holiday (after being flat out rejected) and going to sleep in the otber room he said that he’s worried he’s going to hurt me which I said I wasn’t in any pain and plus, that’s not an excuse for it dwindling long before then

This is really rambling but I’m actually in tears writing this. Life is so great. Me and exdp had a terrible relationship but lots of sex so I know sex isn’t the be all and end all. Part of me thinks EVERYONE has flaws in their relationship and I love him so, so much but the other half of me feels literally embarrassed that my own partner barely touches me and I wonder how long I can carry on like this then I look at him and ds or have the funniest night with him
And suddenly I feel stupid

Personally I wouldn't but each person's relationship with sex will be different. There's no right or wrong here. Sex isn't a big feature of what drives my self esteem or my feelings of connection/intimacy. For others sex will be a much bigger factor and that's perfectly ok, we are all different.

If he was willing to work with you, I would suggest he stops masturbating and see if you can agree a time for explorative sexual play (not necessarily piv sex, to stop it being a sort of clinical get the job done kind of thing). I'd also suggest trying to communicate in ways that seek to reconnect with him. Rejection is hard, it really is however withdrawing, crying etc will possibly be taking you further apart. If he isn't willing to work with you then you might consider leaving. You could just be incompatible and moving on would be best for you because this is such a key issue for you.

People go to sexual counseling for all sorts of reasons, there is no shame in seeking support for an area of your life you would like to improve.

No advice but just to say you're not alone. I'm in the same situation. It sucks.

Another possible scenario is that OP's Dp possibly equates sex ,with potential unplanned pregnancy? He could be worried about potential contraception failure and that could be affecting his libido.

No I wouldn’t.

Thanks everyone for the replies. If it was a medical reason then there’s absolutely no way I would consider leaving him, not even for a second. But it’s the constant rejection that stings so much.

I have spoken to him about it, and like I say he kind of fobs me off or offers me what I’d consider to be pity sex. I had more sex when I was single than I do now which is crazy. I get embarrassed when we’re watching something with a sex scene and when we didn’t have sex for months and months I’d feel so awkward when friends would make jokes about us having a baby or getting caught etc because there was literally no chance of that happening.

I do feel like there’s nothing to differentiate us from being close friends. Yeah we kiss and hold hands but that’s not enough. I don’t see him as a friend at all, I’m attracted to him and just want that part of him that no one else does, I very much see him as a sexual partner.

Part of me feels like I should never have let it get this far and that I should have nipped it in the bud when it first started to decline but at the same time I can’t force him to have sex with me and wouldn’t want him to do it out of duty. Like I say when it happens it’s always amazing and he’s so attentive. The wanking is an issue I admit. I don’t know when he does it but he does because I’ve asked him before when was there last time and he’s said last week or whatever. But obviously he has a sex drive to want to do that. He wasn’t experienced when we met and had only had sex with one woman 2 years earlier (he was 26 when we met) BUT at the beginning it was all the time so not like he was shy or anything.

I don’t want to leave him at all, it would kill me and the thought of it makes me feel ill. But I feel like my self esteem is being torn apart 😢

I suppose I'm suspicious that he doesn't really enjoy sex with a person, or perhaps women tbh.

The being fobbed off is horrible. I'd rather have the truth however upsetting it was.

@girl71 what a spiteful post.

Your needs aren't being met and yet he doesn't seem fussed about discussing it or even seem to acknowledge there's an issue.
He is totally seeing the problem as yours.
Why would a healthy young male NOT want sex with the woman he loves?
It would definitely be a deal breaker for me, but I've had enough crap sex in my life to confidently say no more.

Thank you for updating. It sucks. It sucks partly because breaking up over it seems trivial. Your pain is real it's not trivial.

It is definitely not something you could have nipped in the bud. He's taken control here.

How old are you? Such an impertinent question.

Do you think you want to have more sex, or do you feel you need to be ‘desired’ more or both ( not sure I have explained that very well).

It could be you are now seeing the natural level of his sex drive ( but not sure where the masturbation fits in )

I would begin to wonder if the twice weekly masturbation actually happens. It sounds like a number he has picked out of the air that he thinks sounds about 'normal'.
Maybe DP just has a vanishingly low sex drive?
You have spoken to him about your issues, nothing has changed. The only solutions seem therapy or accepting your (great) relationship is not a sexual one.

I’m 31 he’s almost 31 so we’re young (don’t feel young most days though 🤣).

I think it’s a combination of a) wanting to feel desired by the man I love b) enjoying the closeness and intimacy c) not wanted to feel rejected and d) I actually enjoy having sex so why wouldn’t I want to do it

It’s does seem so trivial. Honestly I’ve had some
Crap, horrible and abusive boyfriends so when I met dp I just couldn’t believe men liked him existed in real life. But this is an issue. You’re right in saying he just doesn’t seem that bothered does he. Which is at total odds with his personality, he can’t do enough for me. Last year I broke down and told him it makes me feel so unloved and he was mortified and said that couldn’t be further from the truth…. Then we still didn’t have sex for another 3 months 🤷🏻‍♀️

If he turned to me and said he had a low sex drive and just didn’t fancy it then yeah I’d be a bit sad but I’d accept it. But it’s the fact he kind of acts all ignorant. We went away early last year (pre covid) for a week and we had sex every single day. When I mentioned this to him (I said something like I was amazed when we it happened every day) he said he ‘couldn’t remember having sex every day on that holiday and what he took from the holiday was what an amazing time we had’ which to me makes it sounds like he’s twisting it to me to make me sound sex crazy

Oh gosh! You really are very young (from my perspective). In that case I really would err more to the side of posters saying life is short. It is. And whilst sex is in the end a fun and trivial thing, you are too young to give up on it.

You can only make absolutely clear to him this matters to you.

I felt shit when this happened to me, after always having boyfriends up for it. I felt defeminised and aggressive and undesired. It was a rough time. But I was 35 or 36.

You deserve to have fun and feel beautiful. X

I dont think id leave over the lack of sex but I would leave over his lack of attempt to get things back on track.. it doesnt sound like he's really engaging with you.
My husband and I didnt have sex for a few months once just because it was a stressful time and I think we just both didn't prioritise it and weren't feeling sexy
But we discussed it and both decided we were going to put more of an effort in and we did...
You see its sort of like a habit that wears off if you arent doing it regularly... if you haven't had sex for ages it can feel wierd to try. Sometimes its something you actually have to put effort into. That sounds mad when you are young and at it all the time... but as you get older and your energy levels drop and you've got kids and busy lives then it doesn actually become harder regardless of how attractive you still find each other.
Basically I think you need to tell him he needs to make some kind of effort. Be that seeking therapy for why he doesnt want to have sex anymore or just scheduling a time each week where you are going to agree to try and have sex. It might not sound sexy and actually it might be a bit awkward the first couple of times but if you want to get things started up again it does need time and effort.

I would leave someone who wasn't willing to put any effort in and didn't really ahve a valid reason as to why they weren't. Im not asexual and I didnt enter a romantic relationship with the expectation id never be having sex again.

At 31 it really is a deal breaker, as is the gaslighting about not remembering the daily sex...

I would talk to him again but know in your head even he doesn't start being honest etc that it's over.

Now I’m thinking about it the other month we were talking about someone I know who’d walked in on her (very very elderly!) grandparents having sex and I was laughing saying good for them and he said god why would they be having sex at that age to which I replied it’s the perfect age to be having lots of sex.

Oh god I feel terrible 😢. Feels so trivial but at the same time feels like it’s everything

Hmm my first thought was low sex drive so possibly low testosterone or other medical issues, try blood tests. However you've mentioned he masturbates regularly which indicates not a low sex drive but maybe he's become lazy? He can satisfy himself without having to put effort in for you. Maybe he has death grip or a porn addiction.

I'd end the relationship if he wasn't prepared to work at it or if it came down to a medical issue.

Would you try a sex and relationships therapist? I'd also ask him to see his doctor and explore the medical side just in case.

doesn’t give oral sex which I love but he tried it once and didn’t like it Does he expect oral? Either way that would have been a dealbreaker from day one for me! I definitely am the opposite of vanilla though!

@Colourmeclear
”Sex isn't a big feature of what drives my self esteem or my feelings of connection/intimacy.”

Oh I am so glad to read this!!
I swear sometimes i feel like i’m the only one!

You deserve an explanation. If he would rather crack one out than make love with you, you need to ask him why? There has to be a reason. Maybe there is and it's a simple fix. Fingers crossed for you.

I went out with someone with a 'low sex drive' reality was he was a porn addict.
My friend had a partner who said the same but he was actually cheating on her with someone at work.
Obviously there could be a ton of reasons or he could just have a low sex drive but I would want to explore if there were any issues.

Its ok to leave him over it if he can't fulfill you just see what steps you can take first to try and explore if there are any reasons as to why he doesn't want it anymore.

Thank you everyone. I suppose people have just confirmed what I already thought. I do know somewhere in the back of my mind I can sing his praises all day long but truth this this is something I’ve broken down and sobbed about, tried to have a rational conversation about, made effort to look nicer, given him space, given him an honest chance to talk about things and poured my heart out and still nothing changes. Which says a lot doesn’t it

Oh sorry OP I didn't realise he masturbates twice a week, then he obviously doesn't have a low sex drive.

I don’t think he does it when I’m in the house unless he does it in the shower because we don’t spend time separate in the house eg we don’t sit in separate rooms at night but I go out with my friends once a week when ds is with his dad or you know just out in the evening or when I’m on nights. He truly is lovely you know, he really is. But this just plays on my mind constantly

We went away early last year (pre covid) for a week and we had sex every single day. When I mentioned this to him (I said something like I was amazed when we it happened every day) he said he ‘couldn’t remember having sex every day on that holiday and what he took from the holiday was what an amazing time we had’ which to me makes it sounds like he’s twisting it to me to make me sound sex crazy I just want to make it clear I'm not attempting to make you sound sex crazy! However I must ask, do you find yourself talking this way a lot? As if I were him and we'd just had a lovely holiday, you saying you were "amazed" we'd had sex would feel like you were having a dig at me. It would cast a massive shadow over the holiday and how I remembered it. How much do you bring it up?