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Original poster

Would you end a relationship because of a lack of sex

133 replies

SexlessMess · 05/08/2021 18:16

Been with my DP for 4 years, we have a house together. I have a DS 8 from a previous relationship. DS and DP get on great.

DP is everything I could have ever wished for. He’s kind, funny, smart, generous, supportive, gorgeous, warm, affectionate and every other positive word you can say about someone.

We get on great, we kiss all the time, cuddle hold hands etc. He get on with each others families, friends etc. Have a lovely lift going to amazing places (pre Covid obviously!) and have a really busy social life where we’re very much apart of a group of friends. Ds loves him and he’s brilliant with ds and gets on well with ds’s dad so we’ve even done days out with his dad and his wife. Life is truly great.

Except sex. When we first met we’d have sex 5 times a week at a minimum. He was always a bit vanilla (doesn’t give oral sex which I love but he tried it once and didn’t like it) but it was always hot and brilliant and I loved it. It slowest starting edging away, I can’t pin point when it ‘stopped’ but I remember we went away for our first anniversary and didn’t have sex af all.

I like sex and think a healthy sex life is part of a healthy loving relationship. I’ve brought up the lack of sex a few times with DP and he always kind of makes excuses. Well, not even excuses bur he says things like he doesn’t keep count of when we do it and just enjoys it when it happens. We went 6 months last year without having sex. 6 months!!!!! Night after night we’d come to bed, talk and laugh and cuddle then he’d say goodnight and kiss me and go to sleep.

When we do have sex it’s always really hot and amazing but after the 6 months we finally broke the dry spell and not it’s maybe once every 2 months ish.

I did have some gynae issues a couple of years ago and when I brought it up last year whilst in holiday (after being flat out rejected) and going to sleep in the otber room he said that he’s worried he’s going to hurt me which I said I wasn’t in any pain and plus, that’s not an excuse for it dwindling long before then

This is really rambling but I’m actually in tears writing this. Life is so great. Me and exdp had a terrible relationship but lots of sex so I know sex isn’t the be all and end all. Part of me thinks EVERYONE has flaws in their relationship and I love him so, so much but the other half of me feels literally embarrassed that my own partner barely touches me and I wonder how long I can carry on like this then I look at him and ds or have the funniest night with him
And suddenly I feel stupid

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 05/08/2021 18:20

It doesn't matter what anyone else would do.

It's clearly a big problem for you.

Will he discuss it? Would he consider couples counseling or similar?

Original poster
SexlessMess · 05/08/2021 18:25

If I bring it up he’ll discuss it, he says he doesn’t realise how long it’s been, doesn’t need it too often(but masturbates a couple of times a week which Id have no issue with if we had sex), had been tired or one memorable time as I cried my eyes out to him he said ‘we can do it now if you want’ which I obviously turned down

See I thought about counselling but I find it totally and utterly mortifying that he doesn’t want me that way.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/08/2021 18:30

I would actually tell him you want sex twice per week and agree days. Get back into the habit of it and then see if you can have it unscheduled

Mantlemoose · 05/08/2021 18:34

Doesn't matter about anyone else it's what you feel. We haven't had sex for 2 years now due to damage caused by pelvic radiotherapy. We're both gutted about it but for us not remotely a reason to seperate. I'll be honest though if DP felt that was enough reason to seperate I would be so disappointed in such shallowness I'd be glad to see the back of him.

girlmom21 · 05/08/2021 18:35

I wouldn't end a relationship over lack of sex I don't think but you clearly have needs that aren't being acknowledged or addressed and that's unfair.

If he's masturbating, does he do it while you're in the house etc or does he wait until you're out? I'd have a conversation with him about that because clearly that urge is there so he could be waiting until you're around for you to enjoy it together rather than sorting himself out and disregarding your needs.

TrampolineForMrKite · 05/08/2021 18:36

Is there any hint that he’s gay? Because the only time I’ve ever heard of these kind of story, the guy was gay.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 05/08/2021 18:37

Yes.

You have a right to a fulfilling sex life. If that isn't being met by current, you have every right to make them Ex.

MyFloorIsLava · 05/08/2021 18:38

@Mantlemoose

Doesn't matter about anyone else it's what you feel. We haven't had sex for 2 years now due to damage caused by pelvic radiotherapy. We're both gutted about it but for us not remotely a reason to seperate. I'll be honest though if DP felt that was enough reason to seperate I would be so disappointed in such shallowness I'd be glad to see the back of him.
Totally different if there's a medical reason for being unable to have sex. OP's partner is more turned on by wanking (porn?) than her. I didn't end a relationship with almost no sex and honestly I regret my decision, its soul destroying to have your partner cheerfully forgo closeness and physical intimacy and to find you unattractive.
dryasaboner · 05/08/2021 18:39

I have the same problem. Except no affection from him either

Mountaingoatling · 05/08/2021 18:40

Men can have low sex drives. Either lifelong or at times either through weight gain, stress etc. Has he had his testosterone levels checked?

Can you see this as an issue of his sex drive and not a personal rejection of you? Is that possible knowing him well?

Yes I did end a relationship due to lack of sex and I would not do so again.

That said, feeling rejected and feeling like someone isn't compromising is really, really tough.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 05/08/2021 18:47

Yes, I'd absolutely end the relationship over this - but only after you feel you've tried everything.
I have a friend who has gone through similar. A sexless marriage is OK if both people are content with that, but can be awful if one of you is not. I had long periods where ExH wasn't interested in me and it was miserable. I wouldn't stay in that situation again - life's too short.
You may have already covered this, but is it possible the spark has gone out for him because of any other issues with the relationship? Or any significant changes in appearance or health for either of you? This sort of thing can be painful to talk about but if it's an issue, you would need up know. It was part of the problem for a friend of mine whose marriage broke up over this, though it took years for the woman to find the courage to walk over it. But sometimes it's just that you've got out of the habit. Apparently men losing libido is a very common issue that sex therapists are consulted about. This article on Tips to avoid a sexless relationship may be of interest.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 05/08/2021 18:52

@TrampolineForMrKite

Is there any hint that he’s gay? Because the only time I’ve ever heard of these kind of story, the guy was gay.
Not true. Plenty of times sex dwindles in a relationship because of various issues other than this! Your sex drive can be very different in different relationships. It can depend on things like depression / mental health, relationship history, or just how sexually compatible you are.
JustAnother0ldMan · 05/08/2021 19:01

The only person who can answer that is you really, I’m in my 50s, so not too much sex is okay for me and I probably wouldn’t leave,

However if my partner preferred masturbation over sex with me, I would be seriously rethinking the relationship, as the preference to masturbate over sex would be impossible to deal with, rather then the lack of sex

Anothernick · 05/08/2021 19:09

From a male perspective, I am sorry to say that if he is masturbating regularly but reluctant to have sex then there is something fundamentally wrong in his approach to intimacy. There are many possible reasons for this, porn, performance anxiety, possibly stress (though this would normally kill all desire). But it is not normal and the OP is quite right to be concerned. He clearly has urges and is capable but is refusing to engage with the issue. IMO a strong relationship relies quite heavily on a mutually satisfactory sex life and if that is not present then other differences tend to be magnified.

DolphinFC · 05/08/2021 19:10

Some responses would be classed as unacceptable if the sexes were reversed

Anyway, truth is this will almost certainly get worse not better. If you can accept a sexless marriage, then stay. If you can't, then the sooner you move on the better it will be for both of you. If you ignore the issue you might find yourself staying in a few years' time.

budgun · 05/08/2021 19:13

@RandomMess

I would actually tell him you want sex twice per week and agree days. Get back into the habit of it and then see if you can have it unscheduled

Surely not?

minniemouseshouses · 05/08/2021 19:15

You can end a relationship for any reason you wish, or no reason at all.

I was in a sexless marriage for YEARS. But, there was all sorts wrong and not anywhere like your relationship at all. You seem like you have a really good relationship bar the sex issue. I would really try and work on it and see if there are medical issues he doesn’t want to talk about (ED, low testosterone), or more complicated psycho-sexual issues. Or, if counselling could help. There is nothing to be embarrassed about; especially not to a professional.

Flowers
girl71 · 05/08/2021 19:19

"@RandomMess I would actually tell him you want sex twice per week and agree days. Get back into the habit of it and then see if you can have it unscheduled".

WTAF? Are you serious?

RandomMess · 05/08/2021 19:25

What is wrong with stating what you want? He doesn't have to agree!

rustyspoon45 · 05/08/2021 19:36

Sounds almost identical to my situation. Lovely husband in every other way, dc from previous relationship who love him, overall a really happy life. But very little sex. And like you, it's always very vanilla with no oral (for me 🙄)

He claims low libido but I think there's more to it. He takes viagra so not sure if it's an ED issue. Could that be the case with your dp?

We have recently started ttc and I can tell he's making more effort but my argument is that it shouldn't be effort. It should be fun and something that we both want. Not a chore.

I personally wouldn't end my relationship over this but I think you are justified to if it's making you miserable. You are only human and if sex is important to you but not to him then you have to accept you aren't compatible. 6 months is a really long time to go without anything and it's strange that he wouldn't think you'd be ok with that. The longest we've probably gone is about 2 months and after that I was climbing the walls!

GetSporty · 05/08/2021 19:47

Probably, as its become a friendship?

girl71 · 05/08/2021 20:01

"had been tired or one memorable time as I cried my eyes out to him he said ‘we can do it now if you want’ which I obviously turned down"
Lordy, crying because your partner did not want sex after a dry spell. If a man did this he would be hammered on this site and told to get over himself.

"(after being flat out rejected) and going to sleep in the otber room". How was you storming off into another room helpful or conducive ?

Just end the relationship now if it is not fulfilling you. Crying, because yr otherwise fab partner, will not sleep with you and storming off into other rooms, goodness. How does help? If you want a fuller sex life, and it cannot be resolved, you have to leave and , start a new more sexually compatible relationship. I suspect your finances and standard of living will take a massive hit if you do that and that is what you are really crying over.

@RandomMess if you cannot see that what you are specifically suggesting is all kinds of wrong then shame on you. If a man imposed this on his wife there would be all kinds of justified outrage.

RandomMess · 05/08/2021 20:11

I worded it badly tbf.

I would explain that I'd like sex to be once/twice a week and could we plan schedule it. It would be as part of a discussion not a demand.

He clearly does still have a sex drive doesn't he? The issue is why he isn't willing to make the effort to have sex with the OP regularly.

Mountaingoatling · 05/08/2021 20:31

@RandomMess that sounds sensible but having been in this situation with a guy with genuinely low sex drive (he'd had a testicle removed as a child which may have affected testosterone) it just did not work.

I think for men the idea of having sex for intimacy, or for your partner, is more of a struggle.

For me the question is, is this low sex drive? As that gives the OP a way of framing things she can work with.

I may be older than some posters but we all will get there...I'd be wary of leaving a relationship due to lack of sex at 38, when you may find it falls down your priority list anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2021 20:40

I’d end your one, yes. He sounds like a lovely friend but sex is the one thing that makes a romantic relationship different to all the other types of relationship.

If DH or I got ill or injured or disabled and couldn’t have sex of course I’d stay with him. If he just stopped wanting to do it and tried to fob me off with bullshit answers I’d be very unhappy and consider divorcing him. It’s a huge part of life for a lot of people, that’s healthy and normal. It’s the wanking and lack of honesty that runs salt in the wound.

Suggest couples counselling as a last resort, see if there’s something going on you don’t know about. If he refuses then I’d walk away.

Life is short. Spend it feeling amazing about yourself. This sort of rejection is so damaging and corrosive.