Would you end a relationship because of a lack of sex

[SexlessMess]

Been with my DP for 4 years, we have a house together. I have a DS 8 from a previous relationship. DS and DP get on great.

DP is everything I could have ever wished for. He’s kind, funny, smart, generous, supportive, gorgeous, warm, affectionate and every other positive word you can say about someone.

We get on great, we kiss all the time, cuddle hold hands etc. He get on with each others families, friends etc. Have a lovely lift going to amazing places (pre Covid obviously!) and have a really busy social life where we’re very much apart of a group of friends. Ds loves him and he’s brilliant with ds and gets on well with ds’s dad so we’ve even done days out with his dad and his wife. Life is truly great.

Except sex. When we first met we’d have sex 5 times a week at a minimum. He was always a bit vanilla (doesn’t give oral sex which I love but he tried it once and didn’t like it) but it was always hot and brilliant and I loved it. It slowest starting edging away, I can’t pin point when it ‘stopped’ but I remember we went away for our first anniversary and didn’t have sex af all.

I like sex and think a healthy sex life is part of a healthy loving relationship. I’ve brought up the lack of sex a few times with DP and he always kind of makes excuses. Well, not even excuses bur he says things like he doesn’t keep count of when we do it and just enjoys it when it happens. We went 6 months last year without having sex. 6 months!!!!! Night after night we’d come to bed, talk and laugh and cuddle then he’d say goodnight and kiss me and go to sleep.

When we do have sex it’s always really hot and amazing but after the 6 months we finally broke the dry spell and not it’s maybe once every 2 months ish.

I did have some gynae issues a couple of years ago and when I brought it up last year whilst in holiday (after being flat out rejected) and going to sleep in the otber room he said that he’s worried he’s going to hurt me which I said I wasn’t in any pain and plus, that’s not an excuse for it dwindling long before then

This is really rambling but I’m actually in tears writing this. Life is so great. Me and exdp had a terrible relationship but lots of sex so I know sex isn’t the be all and end all. Part of me thinks EVERYONE has flaws in their relationship and I love him so, so much but the other half of me feels literally embarrassed that my own partner barely touches me and I wonder how long I can carry on like this then I look at him and ds or have the funniest night with him
And suddenly I feel stupid

I told him about 2 times when I was younger I was sexually assaulted

When in the timeline if your sexual relationship did you tell him this? Did the sex stop after you told him?

Totally normal upbringing I’d say, grew up in a nice area. His parents are divorced but he’s close to both of them and their husband/wife. He has 3 siblings , 2 are married with kids and the other is travelling (well, she’s abroad not much travelling going on at the minute). He has a good group of friends who’s he’s been been friends with since they were kids. He has a really good job which pays well and on the whole he enjoys although he does find it stressful. I’m starting a degree next month and retraining in a different field but the finances for that are all sorted and we won’t be affected too much by my drop in income but again, this is a relatively new development and doesn’t explain the last few years. I’m going have to speak to him again and lay it all on the line

@MarianneUnfaithful no I think it had already started dwindling by that point so it’s not that me talking about that triggered something or made him look at me in a different light

Do you always initiate sex?
My OH and I would hardly ever have sex if I didn't initiate it. Both of us enjoy sex and want it, yet he very rarely initiate it. Often we are both very tired when we go to bed so think we don't have the energy, but if I initiate we usually find that we do have the energy after all.

This could be controversial but I think any man who 'doesn't like' giving oral sex is harbouring a low level distaste for a woman's body. Not a specific woman - just women's bodies in general. I would agree with other posters that it could be that he is gay, or even asexual, but is reluctant to accept this side of himself.

I started a very similar thread a few months ago, but from the point of view that my husband has health issues (diabetes) which means we dont have sex. I feel so many of the things that you do. Weve been together 10 years and the health problems started about 5 years ago.
He was a lot like your partner even before the health problems, so part of me thinks hes relieved that the pressure is off!
I remember on our honeymoon I had to point out that maybe we should have sex as that's what people do on honeymoon! I'd also taken medication to delay my period so it all seemed like a waste of time.
He gets really horny every few months (I suspect due to porn) but cant maintain an erection, even with viagra.
I have to accept it and put it to the back of my mind, but there are definitely days when I wonder if I can live the rest of my life sexless. I too have had a lot of sex with shit boyfriends so have to weigh it up.
I have no advice and even though my situation is different to yours, I identified with so much of what you have written.

@SexlessMess

Also (I’m waiting for a bus in the rain and all I’ve forgotten my AirPods so all I have is Mumsnet 🤣) our communication about everything else is fine. There’s not a thing in the world we don’t talk about and we even talk about sex, as if it we’re watching something and something about sex comes up we discuss whether we’d try it and stuff. But not our sex life.

The only other thing which I can think of is sometimes I wonder if something bad happened to him when he was younger. A friend asked me this recently when I was telling her about the issues, was whether I think he may have been abused and that’s why he has a weird issue. There’s 2 things that maybe I’ve read wayyyyy too much into but here goes:
When that man in Manchester got arrested and jailed for drugging men and raping/abusing them he acted a bit weird. I can’t really describe it but it was like he’d seen a ghost. His first apprenticeship was in Manchester so he lived there for 2 years (before the time span of that man) but he kept saying that could have been me but in a strange way, almost like he’d seen a ghost? I don’t know, that’s not making much sense I know but he was just different
B) there was a doc on netlfix about a man who lost his memory but it turns out him and his twin had been seriously sexually abused by their mum, given to other men to use etc. It was heart wrenching. He was in absolute FLOODS of tears. I mean sobbing. I’ve seen him cry twice, once was his grandads funeral and the other was when he walked his sister down the aisle. And even then it was a few tears. Now this story was obviously really distressing and sad. But I couldn’t believe how much he was crying.

So that’s my only kind of opinion. It could be nothing or it could be everything. I’m a massive overthinker.

This might be relevant. Definitely counselling or a gentle discussion minimum.

I think you're right, it's not necessarily about the lack of intimacy but the reason behind it making you feel rejected.

I would be reluctant to end a pretty much perfect relationship without exploring everything to get to the bottom of the issue.

He seems to have an awkward approach to intimacy.

When we were first together we just both knew and there was no kind of initiating we would just do it. Now I’d say it’s mostly me, sometimes it is him but mostly me. But I don’t initiate it much anymore either. Our nightly routine is go to bed, check on ds who’s fast asleep. Ds goes to his dads 2 evenings a week + half the holidays.
Get in bed, cuddle for half hour talking about our day and laughing. Checking our phones, checking Twitter etc. Then we day goodnight, kiss then go to sleep.

Also I prefer morning sex. I always have done and I do feel really tired in the evening so I’d prefer it in the morning and feel like we have more time

So he’s getting hugs, kisses and loving behaviour, but that’s where it ends.
You must be very frustrated.

He’s loving to me as well. He gets in from work before me and he has a coffee ready. He always gives me a big kiss and hug. He’s always teaching for my hand when we got out, stroking my back etc. The affection is not a one way street at all, which I think is how I’ve managed to kind of deny it’s an issue for so long

If I was young and single and could do better then I’d dump him. If I was older with kids and he earned more than me then I’d just put up with it.

@SexlessMess

Also I prefer morning sex. I always have done and I do feel really tired in the evening so I’d prefer it in the morning and feel like we have more time

Does your partner too?

You both seem really compatible and loving in all other aspects. There is a solution. Just needs working out.

Again he seemed astounded that this would be such a big issue to me. But nothing changed

This statement suggests to me that he doesn’t think about sex as very important to him, do you know if he has ever had a testosterone level check ?, his T levels could be lower then the norm for someone his age, just a thought

Yeah he likes it too, he says it starts his day right. And I feel like we have more time in the morning, ds sleeps well and isn’t an early riser and we’re both more awake.

I’m going to speak to him again. I’m not too sure what to say rhag I haven’t said before but I’ve got to make a decision about what’s more important to me and what my line is. We’ve got a wedding tomorrow that we’re travelling to tonight so this weekend won’t be the weekend we talk about it.

So mornings it is then

How about a post-coital gentle chat about how much it means to you.

Yes
With my first wife for 15 plus years at around 18, sex was great at first, it basically slowed to almost nothing the day we moved in together, down to once a month on a good month
I tried everything, the relationship was otherwise great best friends etc no money worries, loving, hand holding, chatting, fun etc from the outside everything looked great
We would go to bed cuddle then nothing
Absolutely killed me in so many ways we eventually tried relate which was a waste of time sadly - I remember the lady we met asking me in an ideal world how many times a week would you like sex I answered every day and twice a day on the weekend, she laughed…. I was serious…. Eventually we split the lack of sex was 100% the reason I just could not go on being with someone I loved that had no sexual interest in me or any desire to get back to how we had been
I am now 57 my wife is 62 been together for 13 years married for 10 we have an amazing relationship in every way and very matched sex drives - most days we make love sometimes twice a day, we are retired so this has gone up since retiring we probably averaged 5-6 a week when both working demanding jobs
For us sex is part of the glue that really keeps us close and fully connected
My wife was very ill for some months a couple of years ago, needing chemo etc that made her rough lose her hair and other nasty side effects etc I was looking after her and the last thing on my mind was sex, once in a while (most weeks in fact)she would say she would love to try as she missed it or want to do something for me to watch my pleasure it was tough in a way as I was worried about hurting her we were very careful holding each other after for hours helped us both it was a really tough time
She is now off all treatment and we are back exactly where we were before
I think a matched sex drive is so important and gets couples through a lot
Sorry if I rambled

What strikes me is that he's getting all the intimacy without having to bother being intimate.

You kiss him, you cuddle him, you hold hands, you're very tactile.

So he gets all the physical contact without giving you any intimacy.

I'm very suprised you haven't cooled off. I would have, long ago. I couldn't kiss and cuddle and be all lovey dovey with someone so dismissive of my feelings.

And I suspect nothing will change unless you change. Unless you withdraw some of that part.

Because mates don't kiss and hold hands and cuddle all the time. But that's what you are. Just mates.

Perhaps it's time to show him that you're just mates. See how he reacts.

The happy to have a wank but not have sex with you would really bother me

Maybe affection somehow became uncoupled from sex.

Dutch your phones at night. Don’t check your phones and Twitter in bed. Ever.

Sex as well as ‘no sex’ can be a habit.

Those days with a newish baby and small children when your body is constantly pawed and you don’t feel sexy… I regained my interest and re-discovered my enthusiasm for sex by ‘acting as if…’. It was for me, I am not talking about being co-erced by DH, but I deliberately thought myself into a sexy state of mind, abd by ‘acting as if’ I wanted sex, discovered that I did.

Just playfully reintroduce the habit and maybe his endorphins will then fuel themselves?

My two penn'orth: "kind, funny, smart, generous, supportive, gorgeous, warm, affectionate" men who are willing to be a main breadwinner and good [step] father for a single mother and her child[ren] from a previous relationship don't exactly grow on trees.

As Voltaire said, "perfect is the enemy of good".

Try to be pragmatic, unemotional, to weigh up this shortcoming in him/in your relationship in the same way as you would any other shortcoming.

Also, although it doesn't sound like the risk of this is super-high, do not consider having a baby with him as a 'solution' if there's this possible existential threat hanging over the relationship. You're really shopping in the bargain basement when looking for a man who'll be a good husband, provider, stepfather, etc for women with two kids by two fathers.

@Freddy12 it sounds like you have a lovely relationship, and I couldn't agree more that a matched sex drive is so important

It's the facts he masturbates a couple of times a week but goes months without sex with you and claims he didn't realise...

Does he watch a lot of porn?

Did this change after children?

Is it possible he now has trouble separating you as a mum from you as a sexual partner?

It does sound like he just doesn't consider sex to be important and maybe having only had 1 previous gf, he is used to masturbating and so that comes more naturally to him (excuse the pun, lol) than engaging in sex with you.

STBXH was similar. In the end I realised a lot was down to a combination of not very strong sex drive and habit.

He didn’t have sex or a relationship until his late twenties. And I realised if he’d been that bothered about it, he would have made efforts in that direction when he was younger.

And in the meantime, he’d very much gotten into the routine of master sting a couple of times a week. Took a few minutes, always the same way, very perfunctory, minimal fuss/time/effort. So more time left to concentrate on studying/work, hobbies etc. So he just got into the habit of it being a perfunctory thing and it was difficult to break that.

He’s similar with food and cooking- likes to meet his nutritional needs with a minimum of fuss. But it’s not really a pleasure for him.

He’s also avoidant and early in our relationship the few times when we did have emotionally connected sex that took a while, he was often pretty distressed at some point in the next few days.Connecting with me emotionally during sex meant he also connected with himself emotional to some extent and he found that overwhelming and distressing.