Does my friend still have feelings for me secretly?

[Didydani]

Hi all. I'd really appreciate it if you help me work this out. Im not very good at distinguishing genuine friendliness and someone who is still interested in me romatically.

The reason i ask is because i asked him not long ago if he has any feelings for me, in that way (romantically). He said no he does not. I'm not so sure if I believe him, purely because he shows A LOT Of signs of still being into to me, plus I dont know if he just in denial. To be fair to him he's a very private and reserved person when it comes to his emotions. It's like trying to get blood out of a stone lol.

I can give a few examples of his behaviour that makes me wonder.

Hes always there for me no matter what. He knows intuitively if something is wrong and presses me for answers but i know its because he cares about me. He's forever reminding me to take care of myself.

He's nearly always the one to text me first. We talk almost every single day for hours and hours about anything we have a mutual interest in.

I feel like i could be wrong but i feel like he's making the effort to impress me lately. I recently told him I'm going back to college and he's doing the same. He's going to study Japanese and he's moving there within the next two years.

He always goes the extra mile and more if im stuck trying to solve a problem. He'll talk me through it and help as best he can.

He's asked a few times about my love life. Asked me if there's anyone else (why would he do this if he wasn't interested in me in that way still??).

Whenever we've spent time together in person he's always trying to get close to me no matter what. He comes across as very shy in person and we talk a lot in private online, lie I said for hours. I get it though. He's a homebody and probably feels much more comfortable with him being quite shy.

There's a few other things but i dont want to waffle on.

Basically I'm just wondering what others make of this? Does he still have feelings for me? Or am I just looking for signs he still fancies he?

It is difficult to say. My view is that many men find it difficult to be just personal (ie not professional) friends as often it moved quickly to them having an attraction.

I experienced this many years ago. I had a male friend, started at work but we both moved. I thought he was attracted to me and asked straight out and he denied it. In hindsight, he definitely was. I was seeing someone else anyway.

So we have stayed friends over the years and in hindsight I would have been very attracted to him had things been different but also taking account what he matured into being. I think his other half though is wary of me as a threat even though there is not risk at all

What do you want?

Hi sunflowergirl1

I'd like to say i agree with you about making things personal but i dont. I think it comes down to the individual as of course everyone is different. That's interesting! Funny isnt it, because even though the they deny it, the actions speak louder. I wonder if they just aren't fully aware of how they feel yet or just dont know what us to know how they really feel, for whatever reason. It's very obvious to me he's still invested. He's ticking an awful lot of boxes won't or can't accept that haha. What do I want? In an ideal world for us to be together but fat chance of that happening because he claims he no longer has feeling for me in that way and he's moving away in a couple years. I will miss him greatly and hope our friendship stays the same (we're in touch near enough everyday). Never had a friend like him but i love it.

If any moderators see this, can you please move this thread to active or the relationships board please. I've already tried reporting my thread and requesting it be moved in the comment box, but nothing's happened.

Thank you.

Well

It sounds to me one you might regret in the future if you don't perhaps talk to him in the right environment? You really might live to regret not doing so. Obviously it carries risks as if you make a move and he says no..ie he really just only wants to be friends that could make your friendship awkward. However, it might make him realise and help him overcome his shyness...two years is also a long time away. Things change so don't let that prevent it happening.

There was more detail in my personal experience but not one for the open forum on here!

Hi OP, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships board, as requested.

And yes..forgot to mention about moving it as Relationships is a much better place. Should get lots of advice there! I saw it as it came up on the current threads

I know what you're saying and it's good advice but I've already had that conversation with him to let him know that I still have strong feelings for and him and that I love him.

I occasionally drop it into conversation but im going to stop doing that because he never expresses anything back. I just get told I'm imagining it if i point it out to him, the signs indicating interest etc.

I was really hoping to get more responses to this as a I really do struggle to work out the difference, so much so that I embarrassingly googled stuff just to understand the differences 🙈. Multiple perspectives would be very thought provoking. Usually I'm not good at knowing when someone has feelings for me. I litterally need them to say it but its could be because i have traits of autism too. I'm not diagnosed but show lots of signs, judging by a screening test I found on here actually. I do appreciate your responses though so thankyou! Maybe the thread would be better off in active.

If someone tells you they're not interested, believe them. Be respectful of their boundaries and their feelings.

If you can't cope with them not returning your feelings, then step away and give yourself some time to get things in perspective.

Bump..

Honestly even if he did have feelings he’s chosen not to do anything about it. You’ve asked and told him and he’s said no. I think it is for the best that you step away from this friendship for a bit as it’s just giving you false hope - which isn’t very kind of him to do. He’s acting interested and spending a lot of time with you but for whatever reason will not turn that into a romance. So he needs to step away from you and you from him.

When you say he still has feelings for you, what were the nature of his feelings in the past? We’re you together for a while? Who ended it? Has he declared his undying love for you previously and you’ve knocked him back? If so he’s not likely to want to risk your friendship and go there again so you might have to be the proactive one if you like him.

You asked. He answered. Respect his reply.

If he fancied you
And wanted to be with you

You’d know.

If you’ve literally told him that you love him and he’s ignored that, then he’s not interested

If he fancied you, you'd know about it and he'd make it clear. sounds like your looking for something that isn't there OP, maybe time to move on?

OP I'm confused by your original post, where you talk a lot about whether he "still" has romantic feelings for you.

Are you saying there was a point in the past when he clearly did, and then things changed?

If so, why did things change? If he felt his romantic feelings were not welcome, then he could be keeping a lid on things.

On the other hand, if all you've ever had from him is this intense and loyal friendship, and you've asked him if it's anything more and he denies this, then you just have to accept it at face value.

You sound a bit self-absorbed.

This is strange.

Do you want a romantic relationship with him ?

Whether or not he has feelings for you isn't really the point. He doesn't want to declare them for you even if he has them, and he's told you so in so many words.

Just move on.

If he's said he isn't interested in you in that way, you need to accept his words. Whether you like it or not.
If he did have true feelings for you there doesn't seem to be anything stopping him from expressing them, but he's not.

I think it sounds like he’s a really good friend to you but isn’t attracted to you romantically. I’m also interested in what you mean by ‘still’ interested, you didn’t explain what had happened in the past?
Going to college to study Japanese with the hope of moving there in a couple of years sounds like something he’s genuinely interested in rather than something he’s doing to impress you.

Honestly if you have expressed strong feelings and have said you love him, which he isn't matching, then I would back away from this. You will end up being hurt and shutting yourself off to the possibility of anything else.

If you've expressed feelings for him, than whatever he is, it's not a good friend. Either he is interested in you ( but for some reason doesnt want to act on it) or he likes that you're interested in him. It's a rare man that pays this level of attention to a woman unless he's attracted to her or enjoying the ego boost of her attraction to him. And a good friend who wasn't interested would back off to avoid hurting you.

And a good friend who wasn't interested would back off to avoid hurting you

Would back of from any flirting, yes. But he's just being a friend. Sounds to me like he's fond of OP and makes that clear, but has told her 'no' to romance, and doesn't flirt.

Very clear boundaries. It's OP looking too hard at things and creating a fantasy that's wrong.