Does my friend still have feelings for me secretly?

[Didydani]

Hi all. I'd really appreciate it if you help me work this out. Im not very good at distinguishing genuine friendliness and someone who is still interested in me romatically.

The reason i ask is because i asked him not long ago if he has any feelings for me, in that way (romantically). He said no he does not. I'm not so sure if I believe him, purely because he shows A LOT Of signs of still being into to me, plus I dont know if he just in denial. To be fair to him he's a very private and reserved person when it comes to his emotions. It's like trying to get blood out of a stone lol.

I can give a few examples of his behaviour that makes me wonder.

Hes always there for me no matter what. He knows intuitively if something is wrong and presses me for answers but i know its because he cares about me. He's forever reminding me to take care of myself.

He's nearly always the one to text me first. We talk almost every single day for hours and hours about anything we have a mutual interest in.

I feel like i could be wrong but i feel like he's making the effort to impress me lately. I recently told him I'm going back to college and he's doing the same. He's going to study Japanese and he's moving there within the next two years.

He always goes the extra mile and more if im stuck trying to solve a problem. He'll talk me through it and help as best he can.

He's asked a few times about my love life. Asked me if there's anyone else (why would he do this if he wasn't interested in me in that way still??).

Whenever we've spent time together in person he's always trying to get close to me no matter what. He comes across as very shy in person and we talk a lot in private online, lie I said for hours. I get it though. He's a homebody and probably feels much more comfortable with him being quite shy.

There's a few other things but i dont want to waffle on.

Basically I'm just wondering what others make of this? Does he still have feelings for me? Or am I just looking for signs he still fancies he?

@TheFoundations

And a good friend who wasn't interested would back off to avoid hurting you

Would back of from any flirting, yes. But he's just being a friend. Sounds to me like he's fond of OP and makes that clear, but has told her 'no' to romance, and doesn't flirt.

Very clear boundaries. It's OP looking too hard at things and creating a fantasy that's wrong.

If someone told me they loved me I would not instigate contact with them every day for hours, get close when I was with them in person and ask if there was anyone 'else'. Most people would realise that this behaviour sends mixed messages and can result in false hope.

@SilverRoe

Honestly even if he did have feelings he’s chosen not to do anything about it. You’ve asked and told him and he’s said no. I think it is for the best that you step away from this friendship for a bit as it’s just giving you false hope - which isn’t very kind of him to do. He’s acting interested and spending a lot of time with you but for whatever reason will not turn that into a romance. So he needs to step away from you and you from him.

I know and I'm wondering if thats the case (that he does have feelings for me, privately) then why hasn't he acted? There could multiple reasons. I don't harbour any false hope. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that we're just friends. It's just all these other things i keep noticing thats sparked my curiosity.

I think if he's said no, he probably expects that OP knows he doesn't want a relationship. Because he's told her that, in so many words. Whatever he's doing now would be misleading if he hadn't been COMPLETELY CLEAR, but he has. Crystal clear. 'Are you interested in me romantically?', 'No, I am not.'

If OP wants to go around attempting to interpret romance into his actions after that, more fool her. He's not responsible for her feelings, and if she finds his actions confusing, it's her responsibility to move away from that.

Are you dating?

I'm wondering if this friendship is taking up so much of your time that you don't have the space to let someone else in?

How old are you, OP? You sound very young. Relationships shouldn't be this much hard work and angst at the beginning. Find someone who is crazy about you and who leaves you in no doubt that he wants you.

I think it’s cruel to be close friends with someone who obviously fancies you .It’s an ego trip for him and painful for you ,especially when he meets someone else .He’s not considering your feelings at all .

@ferando81

I think it’s cruel to be close friends with someone who obviously fancies you .It’s an ego trip for him and painful for you ,especially when he meets someone else .He’s not considering your feelings at all .

He wasn't put on this earth to do what OP's feelings dictate. Whatever he wants to do, he can do. Whatever label you want to put on his behaviour, it is still OP's responsibility to make a change.

OP, will you want to continue with the friendship as it is, if you believe what he's told you about his feelings? It's not much of a friendship if you don't believe what he tells you about his feelings, anyway, is it.

One thing I've learnt about men....listen to what they say! I've wasted tonnes of emotion and tears on ignoring a mans words and trying to analyse his behaviour, in other words - fooling myself! It's easy to see what you want to see I know that but he's told you he's moving away and denies romantic feelings, he's making it pretty clear to you his intentions or lack of.

@Mermaidwaves

One thing I've learnt about men....listen to what they say! I've wasted tonnes of emotion and tears on ignoring a mans words and trying to analyse his behaviour, in other words - fooling myself! It's easy to see what you want to see I know that but he's told you he's moving away and denies romantic feelings, he's making it pretty clear to you his intentions or lack of.

Yes. This is true of all humans, not just men. If somebody really wants something, they will make that clear to you.

Even if he desperately wishes the two of you were together, but can't bring himself to admit it, he's not the guy for you, because there's an issue with communication before you even start.

Healthy relationships start with feeling that you're on the same wavelength; they don't start with wondering if what the other person says isn't matching with what they feel.

@LadyCatStark

When you say he still has feelings for you, what were the nature of his feelings in the past? We’re you together for a while? Who ended it? Has he declared his undying love for you previously and you’ve knocked him back? If so he’s not likely to want to risk your friendship and go there again so you might have to be the proactive one if you like him.

About two years ago we confessed our feelings to each other. The nature of his feelings were romantic. He asked me serious questions like did i see and future with him and what did i see if so? I said i wanted us to be together properly, to have a family together and so on. Despite all that though, we we're never properly or officially in a relationship despite wanting to be. We came very very close to it a few times but honestly because both us of us have been very hurt in the past, we were probably both too afraid and reluctant to commit to each other properly.

He has declared his feelings for me a handful of times when he was experiencing them, however, he likes to show people he loves them through actions more than words. I guess you could say thats his love language if you like.

@SunshineCake

This is strange.

Do you want a romantic relationship with him ?

Yes, but i'm very quickly coming to terms with the fact that we wont end up together and thats okay. I'm happy and content enough with our friendship.

@Alcemeg

OP I'm confused by your original post, where you talk a lot about whether he "still" has romantic feelings for you.

Are you saying there was a point in the past when he clearly did, and then things changed?

If so, why did things change? If he felt his romantic feelings were not welcome, then he could be keeping a lid on things.

On the other hand, if all you've ever had from him is this intense and loyal friendship, and you've asked him if it's anything more and he denies this, then you just have to accept it at face value.

@Alcemeg - your questions are very similar to that of @LadyCatStark.

His romantic feelings have always been very welcome. When he had feelings for me in the past, i used have to often prompt him to express them because i needed a little reassurance, plus its nice to tell your loved one how you feel, for me anyway.

@Constellationstation

I think it sounds like he’s a really good friend to you but isn’t attracted to you romantically. I’m also interested in what you mean by ‘still’ interested, you didn’t explain what had happened in the past? Going to college to study Japanese with the hope of moving there in a couple of years sounds like something he’s genuinely interested in rather than something he’s doing to impress you.

I agree with you. If you scroll down i've explained what happened to to other posters with similar questions. :) Prehaps i am reading into his actions far too much. I've had lots of very mixed responses but interesting none the less.

@5128gap

If you've expressed feelings for him, than whatever he is, it's not a good friend. Either he is interested in you ( but for some reason doesnt want to act on it) or he likes that you're interested in him. It's a rare man that pays this level of attention to a woman unless he's attracted to her or enjoying the ego boost of her attraction to him. And a good friend who wasn't interested would back off to avoid hurting you.

Sorry, but i disagree and think its totally uncalled for to call him not a good friend. He doesn't come on to me or tease me or take advantage despite knowing how i feel, and if you actually read my original opening post, you'd see that he is in fact a very good, dear friend of mine. Agree with what you said about paying someone who you're attracted to though. That's only natural and the part i'm struggling with. Yes, he may be getting a bit an ego boost but theres no harm done. Who doesn't love a bit of attention.

@TheFoundations

And a good friend who wasn't interested would back off to avoid hurting you

Would back of from any flirting, yes. But he's just being a friend. Sounds to me like he's fond of OP and makes that clear, but has told her 'no' to romance, and doesn't flirt.

Very clear boundaries. It's OP looking too hard at things and creating a fantasy that's wrong.

I second this TheFoundations. I think you understand our friendship very well. He may be fond of me, has has in the past told me once or twice that he admires and adores me, which is lovely.

''If someone told me they loved me I would not instigate contact with them every day for hours, get close when I was with them in person and ask if there was anyone 'else'. Most people would realise that this behaviour sends mixed messages and can result in false hope.''

But there are plenty of people who are this close and who are platonic best friends. He's not hurting me but i am struggling to distinguish if its just platonic or not.

Plenty of other posters have answered saying i have my answer and they're right. I think prehaps now i just have to accept it.

@RantyAunty

Are you dating?

I'm wondering if this friendship is taking up so much of your time that you don't have the space to let someone else in?

No we arent. There isn't anyone else i want to be with. I had this conversation with him the other night about dating and i couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to date someone else whilst i have feelings for him, nor do i want to.

Erm, I wouldn’t normally advocate this method but have you tried both getting pissed and having a snog? I think you either need to do that or step away, this should using over it isn’t helping you.

"He wasn't put on this earth to do what OP's feelings dictate. Whatever he wants to do, he can do. Whatever label you want to put on his behaviour, it is still OP's responsibility to make a change.

OP, will you want to continue with the friendship as it is, if you believe what he's told you about his feelings? It's not much of a friendship if you don't believe what he tells you about his feelings, anyway, is it."

Seriously? Whats with hostility? No one, litterally no one else has responded with the aggression you have. Also no on said he was put on the earth for me or to do as i say :s wtf.

I have amended my behaviour, as again, if you read my responses i said i wont keep bringing up my feelings for him in conversation. Its pointless since he says he doesnt feel the same way.

@Mermaidwaves

One thing I've learnt about men....listen to what they say! I've wasted tonnes of emotion and tears on ignoring a mans words and trying to analyse his behaviour, in other words - fooling myself! It's easy to see what you want to see I know that but he's told you he's moving away and denies romantic feelings, he's making it pretty clear to you his intentions or lack of.

I will take your advice and take him at his word from now on. It is easy to see what i want to see, i get that and yes has has made his intentions clear. I'm going to miss him a lot! Thankyou for being kind.

@Sittinginthesand

Erm, I wouldn’t normally advocate this method but have you tried both getting pissed and having a snog? I think you either need to do that or step away, this should using over it isn’t helping you.

I would love nothing more than a night out or night in with him so we can spend some time together and the thought of that (making out) is very tempting but theres no way i'd attempt to come onto him. I'm too afraid he'll reject me and how embarrassed would i be? Very! Nope. tempting as it is i cant and besides, its wrong of me since he doesnt feel the same way.

We've done it a few times in the past and it was lovely. Very passionate on both sides and there was loads of chemistry!

There was no hostility in my response, @Didydani

I was simply saying that if you have a problem with his behaviour, the best idea isn't to try to get him to do something different, it's to do something different yourself. He's entitled to do whatever he wants, as long as he's not breaking any laws, and analysing/dissecting/naming his behaviour won't change anything.

I'm sorry if my tone suggested aggression. I'm glad you've settled on a way forward that will make things work for you.

We've done it a few times in the past and it was lovely. Very passionate on both sides and there was loads of chemistry!

Well that's very confusing. I can see why you find it hard to let go of the idea!

I'd second @Sittinginthesand's suggestion of getting pissed and snogging. Surely at least 90% of couples would have have got together without a bit of Dutch courage, because you can always blame the drink if it turns out you got the wrong end of the stick!

Hi all,

Small update. My friend came to see me a month ago and said in our messages prior to coming over that he wants to have children with me. I've wondered for a while if he still has feelings and for me and this definitely suggests that he does, doesn't it? I mean you don't just say something like that to someone you don't have feelings for or still see a future with? Anyway, I didn't say no as such, I just said I'm not ready right now as I'm starting college but once I'm finished, in two years time I'd be ready to start a family together. As far as I can tell, he's still going to Japan. I was supposed to be seeing him today but he hasn't messaged back all day.

Bump..