Does my friend still have feelings for me secretly?

[Didydani]

Hi all. I'd really appreciate it if you help me work this out. Im not very good at distinguishing genuine friendliness and someone who is still interested in me romatically.

The reason i ask is because i asked him not long ago if he has any feelings for me, in that way (romantically). He said no he does not. I'm not so sure if I believe him, purely because he shows A LOT Of signs of still being into to me, plus I dont know if he just in denial. To be fair to him he's a very private and reserved person when it comes to his emotions. It's like trying to get blood out of a stone lol.

I can give a few examples of his behaviour that makes me wonder.

Hes always there for me no matter what. He knows intuitively if something is wrong and presses me for answers but i know its because he cares about me. He's forever reminding me to take care of myself.

He's nearly always the one to text me first. We talk almost every single day for hours and hours about anything we have a mutual interest in.

I feel like i could be wrong but i feel like he's making the effort to impress me lately. I recently told him I'm going back to college and he's doing the same. He's going to study Japanese and he's moving there within the next two years.

He always goes the extra mile and more if im stuck trying to solve a problem. He'll talk me through it and help as best he can.

He's asked a few times about my love life. Asked me if there's anyone else (why would he do this if he wasn't interested in me in that way still??).

Whenever we've spent time together in person he's always trying to get close to me no matter what. He comes across as very shy in person and we talk a lot in private online, lie I said for hours. I get it though. He's a homebody and probably feels much more comfortable with him being quite shy.

There's a few other things but i dont want to waffle on.

Basically I'm just wondering what others make of this? Does he still have feelings for me? Or am I just looking for signs he still fancies he?

I don't think you disagreeing with posters advice gives you the right to start being rude and swearing
People have given you sound honest reasonable advice
If 20 people have told you the same thing ... just think about it for a sec ?

This is very bizarre.

You both have said you have feelings for each other etc and been physical, but have never got together properly? And now he's saying he wants children with you?

What's the obstacle?

Does he not want to be a stepdad?
Is he determined to move to Japan and not come back?

Honestly you need to straighten this out one way or another.

Tell him to shit or get off the pot.

If you're not going to try a proper relationship together, you should really end the friendship and open yourself up to new people. Because otherwise you're going to wake up in a few years time and realise you've wasted your best years on a nothing.

Oh, and as for all the comments like if he wanted to be with you he would etc, my nan and grandad courted for a while, possibly a few years before they got together properly. There's no need to rush anything, it's still early days. Not everything is instant although I know we live in a world where people expect it to be (take aways, instant messaging, microwave meals.. amongst many other things).

I am not meaning this to be harsh but I think yes you are the only one seeing it, most people are seeing him using you.

Also very gently, you really can’t compare petcare to having children. I have 2 adult children now and have had a house full of pets though only have 3 now, there really is no comparison.

If you were my DD telling me this I would be pretty concerned.

@IllegibleSquiggles

I think you need to dial down the outrage about ‘assumptions’ — what people are going on is what you’ve said on here, and it all points to a thoroughly silly undergraduate infatuation between a flaky, ‘all mouth and no trousers’ man and a woman who can’t tell the difference between text messages and real life.

And honestly, OP, if you have a four year old daughter, you need to grow up. You should certainly not be contemplating having another real child in your fantasy future with Mr Shooting Star.

Would you be happy for her to be in your position, fixated on someone who’s just not that into her, and planning babies with a man who refuses to date her?

Wake up!

Looking at your past threads, wasn’t your daughter living with her dad as you weren’t properly caring for her? Is your 4 year old living with you now?

No, but two years between saying you both have feelings and still nothing coming of it is incredibly slow.

Plus "courting" involved going on dates and being officially romantically involved with each other, in your granny's day.

Sorry, meant to quote the OP there

As a pp said, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. The same way, he wants to go to Japan, so he is going.

I think this is interesting. If he wanted to be with OP he would. If he wanted to go to Japan he would, rather than saying he is going in two years. I bet anything he won't go to Japan. He's all talk.

Op if he doesn't date how about just saying you want to be in a proper relationship with him. Not dating but being official partners. Or is he too quirky and unique for that?

On what basis does he want children with you? With you as the mum and he parachutes in from time to time or does he see it as he would be having a partnership / relationship / family with you?

You need to move on - you are wasting your years on him hanging around.
Does he encourage you re other relationships as this is what a true friend would.
Distance yourself and move on with other relationships.

I guess I'm not seeing it.

How old is he? Does he live near you?

He says he doesn't do dating. What does he do instead?

He doesn't sound into you. 2 years is ridiculous to be pining for someone's affection.

"Looking at your past threads, wasn’t your daughter living with her dad as you weren’t properly caring for her? Is your 4 year old living with you now?"

She does still live with her dad yes, but I'm trying to increase the the time I spend with her. I miss her a lot and her dad claiming I was neglecting her is the biggest load of shit he's ever come out with. I actually posted what he wrote in the court papers, you'd all laugh and be in shock. Literally everyone I spoke to about it said its not neglect at all. He was just pissed with me moving on from him and decided to punish me by taking me daughter away from me. But that's not what this thread is about.

If I actually*

If you know he wants to be with you, why isn't he? Why is he going to Japan? And why are you asking on here?

My niece had a friend like this for a short time. - he had Aspergers.

Then someone else asked her out.
That's when friend stepped up and asked her our.
They did go out for a good while but it didn't last.
As pp said he could also be secretly gay. Enjoys you like a sister.
Either way this man is emotionally unavailable to you.
Another person I knew was always attracted to unemotionally available men.
One was an alcoholic. Another married and long distance.
Currently I believe she is now seeing someone else who is also long distance one - not married I hope.
(The one on her doorstep who was perfect for her is no more)
It is a way of protecting yourself from being hurt.
It maybe worth seeing if any of these patterns have come up in previous relationships.
But most worrying is when you say 'the thought of sleeping with anyone else disgust you'
You are not in a relationship with this man but have closed yourself off to a happy relationship with anyone else.
As for going to Japan.
My son wanted to go to Japan to study.
It was a plan for about 3 years.
News flash / he never went.

OP when he said he wanted kids, did you say "if we were in a committed relationship then yes it would be something to work towards after we both finish college"

It's bizarre he wants kids but not a relationship.

Also, did he say if you said yes to kids that Japan would be scrapped, or does he plan to have a kid with you, you raise kid alone whilst he goes live in Japan.

As others have mentioned, I don't think you have grasped what a relationship is (and that's based solely on your responses here, one being yes we can have kids in 2 years yet no mention about dating, living together or committment first)

@Didydani

Oh, and as for all the comments like if he wanted to be with you he would etc, my nan and grandad courted for a while, possibly a few years before they got together properly. There's no need to rush anything, it's still early days. Not everything is instant although I know we live in a world where people expect it to be (take aways, instant messaging, microwave meals.. amongst many other things).

But you and him aren't courting. Courting is dating. You and him are just mates at this present time

This thread must be a wind up!

So from your updates- You have a 4 year old daughter, and she doesn't live with you as her dad has claimed neglect. You don't have any qualifications as you're only just going to college? Do you work atm? You're 29, and instead of focusing ALL your attention on sorting your life out, you've obsessively fixated on a man who suffers premature ejaculation and then blames you for being bad in bed. And you're talking about having babies with him, when you've lost custody of your other child??? You have got to accept responsibility here- courts aren't in a conspiracy against you.

So now you've fixated on a man who shags you but refuses to date you. And has been for years. Who texts you but refuses to spend time with you. And you think this man will make a good father, for your daughter and a potential new baby. And you think him having a cat means he can raise a baby? Really? Is he also the man who was smoking weed?

You need a reality check, OP. If you are so blind to some pretty serious errors in judgement. This man is the least of your problems. And you can't keep living in fantasy land, not when it affects children.

OP, as MNHQ deleted the post where you swore at me, I'm going to ignore it.

Because a pp's reference to old posts of yours has made me remember a past post by you on Parenting from a couple of years ago that I responded to at the time. You were only allowed to see your daughter while supervised either at a contact centre or by members of your family, although this seemed to have been arranged by your baby's father rather than social services after some incident when she was four or five months old, when you did drugs with a stranger you met on the internet? I thought at the time you sounded very vulnerable and confused, but I also remember you were determined to improve your MH, find work and get your daughter back living with you, and that there seemed no reason why you shouldn't.

That must have been several years ago, yet she's still not back with you. Isn't that something that needs resolving an actual little girl who needs her mother in her life rather than daydreaming about having more children with a man who can't even be bothered to date you? I mean, most people would find that enormously insulting or hilarious, that a man would be so sure that a woman would be delighted to have his children in future, when he 'doesn't do dating', has never expressed any real interest in the idea of a romantic relationship with her, and has also told her he's planning to go and live in Japan!

You sound like a teenager dreaming about an unavailable friend rather than an adult woman focusing on her own life and that of her child -- I think that's why almost everyone on the thread has assumed you are extremely young and with little experience of relationships.

(And I would not normally reference past threads by a poster, but it puts your obsession with this man in a completely different light.)

OP, I really hope this is not the same stranger off the internet your ex caught you doing drugs with as per the previous post?

This man is either deeply bizarre or just not that into you but stringing you along because he thinks he will lose you as a friend in the absence of a relationship.

Have you ever even kissed? Been on a date? I haven't really read anything you've posted that suggests he currently has romantic feelings for you. The family comment is just odd given he's said not interested in dating.

@HalzTangz

OP when he said he wanted kids, did you say "if we were in a committed relationship then yes it would be something to work towards after we both finish college"

It's bizarre he wants kids but not a relationship.

Also, did he say if you said yes to kids that Japan would be scrapped, or does he plan to have a kid with you, you raise kid alone whilst he goes live in Japan.

As others have mentioned, I don't think you have grasped what a relationship is (and that's based solely on your responses here, one being yes we can have kids in 2 years yet no mention about dating, living together or committment first)

No, but I did say I'd rather we commit to each other properly before having children and that right now isn't the right time to have them because of college. I also said there's no rush and he nodded in agreement.

In regards to Japan, as far as I understand, he's going to there to study for a few years and he may end up living there if he likes it enough. Idk. I do know what it takes to be in a relationship.

"But you and him aren't courting. Courting is dating. You and him are just mates at this present time."

I know but to anyone looking from the outside in, you'd assume we're together judging by the way we behave we each other.

Behave with*

@IllegibleSquiggles

OP, as MNHQ deleted the post where you swore at me, I'm going to ignore it.

Because a pp's reference to old posts of yours has made me remember a past post by you on Parenting from a couple of years ago that I responded to at the time. You were only allowed to see your daughter while supervised either at a contact centre or by members of your family, although this seemed to have been arranged by your baby's father rather than social services after some incident when she was four or five months old, when you did drugs with a stranger you met on the internet? I thought at the time you sounded very vulnerable and confused, but I also remember you were determined to improve your MH, find work and get your daughter back living with you, and that there seemed no reason why you shouldn't.

That must have been several years ago, yet she's still not back with you. Isn't that something that needs resolving an actual little girl who needs her mother in her life rather than daydreaming about having more children with a man who can't even be bothered to date you? I mean, most people would find that enormously insulting or hilarious, that a man would be so sure that a woman would be delighted to have his children in future, when he 'doesn't do dating', has never expressed any real interest in the idea of a romantic relationship with her, and has also told her he's planning to go and live in Japan!

You sound like a teenager dreaming about an unavailable friend rather than an adult woman focusing on her own life and that of her child -- I think that's why almost everyone on the thread has assumed you are extremely young and with little experience of relationships.

(And I would not normally reference past threads by a poster, but it puts your obsession with this man in a completely different light.)

Yes, and I am involved in her life, not nearly as much as I want to be though, which is why I'm arranging to spend more time with her. The courts only issued ordered supervised contact because I have something on record, but that's frankly none of your business, nor is it any your business trying to telling who I should and shouldn't have relationships with, who I shouldn't and should have kids with, so wind your neck in will you. My report from the agency came back very good, I was pleased with it and so we're the courts, which just disproves his claims once agin. The judge even looked at me as if to say "he can't be serious" when he saw my the paperwork from my ex. The first thing the judge said to was "you can come back and oppose this any time." In other words, this is bull. I couldn't give two hoots what "light you see me in.