Does my friend still have feelings for me secretly?

[Didydani]

Hi all. I'd really appreciate it if you help me work this out. Im not very good at distinguishing genuine friendliness and someone who is still interested in me romatically.

The reason i ask is because i asked him not long ago if he has any feelings for me, in that way (romantically). He said no he does not. I'm not so sure if I believe him, purely because he shows A LOT Of signs of still being into to me, plus I dont know if he just in denial. To be fair to him he's a very private and reserved person when it comes to his emotions. It's like trying to get blood out of a stone lol.

I can give a few examples of his behaviour that makes me wonder.

Hes always there for me no matter what. He knows intuitively if something is wrong and presses me for answers but i know its because he cares about me. He's forever reminding me to take care of myself.

He's nearly always the one to text me first. We talk almost every single day for hours and hours about anything we have a mutual interest in.

I feel like i could be wrong but i feel like he's making the effort to impress me lately. I recently told him I'm going back to college and he's doing the same. He's going to study Japanese and he's moving there within the next two years.

He always goes the extra mile and more if im stuck trying to solve a problem. He'll talk me through it and help as best he can.

He's asked a few times about my love life. Asked me if there's anyone else (why would he do this if he wasn't interested in me in that way still??).

Whenever we've spent time together in person he's always trying to get close to me no matter what. He comes across as very shy in person and we talk a lot in private online, lie I said for hours. I get it though. He's a homebody and probably feels much more comfortable with him being quite shy.

There's a few other things but i dont want to waffle on.

Basically I'm just wondering what others make of this? Does he still have feelings for me? Or am I just looking for signs he still fancies he?

By keeping your hopes, thoughts and attention on this, you are missing out on other things in life.

Would you rather keep on like this for all of your best years (and it sounds like it's been years already) or have a real relationship and real love?

Would you rather keep sabotaging yourself here, imagining that maybe you might have a baby with this guy, or instead use your energies on developing a relationship with your daughter?

I expect the answer is him both times, but it's going to lead to a happy future with him for you. Best case scenario is he moves away quickly.

*NOT going to lead

@Didydani

"But you and him aren't courting. Courting is dating. You and him are just mates at this present time."

I know but to anyone looking from the outside in, you'd assume we're together judging by the way we behave we each other.

No, they really wouldn’t. And “how it looks” is irrelevant.

You’re not courting or dating. You are incredibly defensive of what his intentions are, and having a text message conversation about having children is nonsense.

I can’t believe you have a four year old and you are obsessing about this situation! As per your opening post where you said you fail to read signs, you are correct in that statement, you are failing to read the signs. And failing to consider any alternative explanations for your friends behaviour. I wish you well.

The reason i ask is because i asked him not long ago if he has any feelings for me, in that way (romantically). He said no he does not. I'm not so sure if I believe him,
His words could not be more clear - so why are you doubting them?
Is it because you can't let go of the hope that one day he will reciprocate?

purely because he shows A LOT Of signs of still being into to me,
That's because he is into you - but as a friend.

plus I dont know if he just in denial
Romcom bullshit.
Why would he be in denial?
He's your friend - stop patronising him, & believe him.

I occasionally drop it into conversation but im going to stop doing that because he never expresses anything back.
You are wise to stop doing this. He's not expressing anything back, possibly because he's biting his tongue to avoid being hurtful to you, but it may be making him feel uncomfortable.

I just get told I'm imagining it if i point it out to him, the signs indicating interest etc.
He's being patient & kind about your romantic attachment to him OP.
Why do you think you know better than him where his affections lie?

You need to get realistic about this friendship, or you are going to get hurt, or push him away. On that point - he's planning on moving to Japan in 2 years! IT COULD NOT BE CLEARER that he has a life plan that does not include romance with you.

I am sorry that these facts are going to read quite starkly & brutally to you OP, but you are damaging yourself by yearning for someone who is unavailable. You might find you maintain an online friendship with this guy once he moves abroad, but if his plans pan out, that is only 2 years away. Put some energy into building other rewarding friendships, or you are going to feel devastated when he goes away.
More focus on other people & other aspects of your life will also mean that you are more 'present' in your own life, & available for other romantic interests, when you are out & about meeting new & fun people.

Chalk this one up to experience, back off with the heavy-handed hints & romance suggestions to him, & spread your wings a bit. You will feel so much happier once you are free of this habit of wishing for more from him.

Blimey, I've only just seen the "wants to have kids with me" update.

So he isn't in love with you, doesn't spend much time with you, but is happy to text all night, is moving to Japan ... and wants you to be his brood mare?

Chuck him back in the sea OP.

100% what @todaysdilemma said.

You are wasting your time and emotional energy on this faux relationship.

I'd step right back, concentrate on the real, permanent, forever issues in your life and let this man go. He's not going to make you happy.

OP I've been following the thread since you first posted. I've commented before, way back.
You really do need to concentrate on getting your daughter back instead of putting all this energy, thought, time and effort into this non relationship with the man who won't commit, thinks you're shit in bed but wants to knock you up and abandon you.
Honestly, in MN terms, give your head a wobble PLEASE!

@Didydani, what isn’t clear to me is how much and how regularly you actually spend time together? How many days have you spent in one another’s physical presence in the past month, say?