Does my friend still have feelings for me secretly?

[Didydani]

Hi all. I'd really appreciate it if you help me work this out. Im not very good at distinguishing genuine friendliness and someone who is still interested in me romatically.

The reason i ask is because i asked him not long ago if he has any feelings for me, in that way (romantically). He said no he does not. I'm not so sure if I believe him, purely because he shows A LOT Of signs of still being into to me, plus I dont know if he just in denial. To be fair to him he's a very private and reserved person when it comes to his emotions. It's like trying to get blood out of a stone lol.

I can give a few examples of his behaviour that makes me wonder.

Hes always there for me no matter what. He knows intuitively if something is wrong and presses me for answers but i know its because he cares about me. He's forever reminding me to take care of myself.

He's nearly always the one to text me first. We talk almost every single day for hours and hours about anything we have a mutual interest in.

I feel like i could be wrong but i feel like he's making the effort to impress me lately. I recently told him I'm going back to college and he's doing the same. He's going to study Japanese and he's moving there within the next two years.

He always goes the extra mile and more if im stuck trying to solve a problem. He'll talk me through it and help as best he can.

He's asked a few times about my love life. Asked me if there's anyone else (why would he do this if he wasn't interested in me in that way still??).

Whenever we've spent time together in person he's always trying to get close to me no matter what. He comes across as very shy in person and we talk a lot in private online, lie I said for hours. I get it though. He's a homebody and probably feels much more comfortable with him being quite shy.

There's a few other things but i dont want to waffle on.

Basically I'm just wondering what others make of this? Does he still have feelings for me? Or am I just looking for signs he still fancies he?

@todaysdilemma

OP, I really hope this is not the same stranger off the internet your ex caught you doing drugs with as per the previous post?

No, it's not the same person.

@todaysdilemma

This thread must be a wind up!

So from your updates- You have a 4 year old daughter, and she doesn't live with you as her dad has claimed neglect. You don't have any qualifications as you're only just going to college? Do you work atm? You're 29, and instead of focusing ALL your attention on sorting your life out, you've obsessively fixated on a man who suffers premature ejaculation and then blames you for being bad in bed. And you're talking about having babies with him, when you've lost custody of your other child??? You have got to accept responsibility here- courts aren't in a conspiracy against you.

So now you've fixated on a man who shags you but refuses to date you. And has been for years. Who texts you but refuses to spend time with you. And you think this man will make a good father, for your daughter and a potential new baby. And you think him having a cat means he can raise a baby? Really? Is he also the man who was smoking weed?

You need a reality check, OP. If you are so blind to some pretty serious errors in judgement. This man is the least of your problems. And you can't keep living in fantasy land, not when it affects children.

Actually I think you'll find I do have qualifications and plenty of them. I've just chosen a different career. Why is it any of your business weather or not I work? Nobody said the courts are conspiring against me.. 🤔 eh?

Who are you to decide weather he'll make a good father or not?

@RantyAunty

I guess I'm not seeing it.

How old is he? Does he live near you?

He says he doesn't do dating. What does he do instead?

He's nearly the American age as me and he works, has hobbies too.

Age as me* not American lol and I forgot to asmnswer your other question. No he doesn't live far from me. We live in the same city.

@Didydani

"But you and him aren't courting. Courting is dating. You and him are just mates at this present time."

I know but to anyone looking from the outside in, you'd assume we're together judging by the way we behave we each other.

But you aren't dating? It's as simple as that surely?

The last paragraph of your OP......

"Basically I'm just wondering what others make of this? Does he still have feelings for me? Or am I just looking for signs he still fancies he?"

No. He doesn't have secret romantic feelings for you.

Yes. You are looking for signs. Desperately.

todaysdilemma

OP, I really hope this is not the same stranger off the internet your ex caught you doing drugs with as per the previous post?

No, it's not the same person.

You do realise people can read your previous threads? The one where you said you were smoking weed with this guy?

@Notapheasantplucker

todaysdilemma

OP, I really hope this is not the same stranger off the internet your ex caught you doing drugs with as per the previous post?

No, it's not the same person.

You do realise people can read your previous threads? The one where you said you were smoking weed with this guy?

I've just said it's not the same person. It's up to you weather you want to believe me or not, but frankly I couldn't care less. Completely different people.

If this is real and frankly I'm not convinced, then the whole thing is ridiculous!

Honestly. It makes no sense whatsoever. A man who is moving to Japan and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, wants to have babies with you. Even though you have a child who doesn't live with you due to alleged neglect.

The answer to your question is this. No, he doesn't have feelings for you. He doesn't want to be with you and wants to move to Japan (and presumably he hasn't asked you to go with him).
Asking someone to have a baby with them when you won't date them is absolutely crazy!

My conclusion is one of the following:

• this is made up
• your 'friend' is messing you around for fun
• your 'friend' has issues because he is planning a baby with someone he doesn't want to be with.

So, i got told by my friend (a friend who I've had sex with in the past, just for context) the other day during a conversation that he's "not impressed" by me in bed. Basically he thinks I'm shit in bed.

He's not an idiot, quite the opposite. Very intelligent but also quite cruel when he wants to be.

This is the man you think is a suitable partner and suitable as a father to future children you may have? Really?

Your existing daughter has clearly gone through a lot. Your dream is to introduce a man you say can be cruel into her life?

Unfortunately as you yourself said on other threads, you let her down previously with smoking during pregnancy, smoking pot with a random off the internet, the bouncer incident etc.

Make better choices. This man is not a good choice.

Men who want a future with you don't tell you they are moving halfway across the world in two years. He knows you wouldn't be able to join him there as presumably you wouldn't move away from your daughter?

Frankly him not saying he wants a relationship with you but saying he wants kids with you in future is weird and dysfunctional as fuck.

You're obsessing over a man who has already been nasty to you, has not told you he wants a relationship with you and who HAS told you his short to medium term plans - none of which involve you and one of which involves him relocating far away from you. He likes that you're besotted with him. But he doesn't want to be with you. There are literally no hurdles to him being with you as you clearly would jump at the chance. So he just doesn't want to.

And frankly it's concerning you think a cat requires the same love and attention as a child, especially considering you're a parent.

Is the cat going to Japan with him?

I don't see signs of love and feelings in anything you've posted. I see a man who likes you adoring him, so is doing just enough to keep you as an option.

I see love in people who want to spend physical time with me, who are kind and build me up, not cruel, who have my back in every situation, who have my best interests (and those of my children) at heart and when decision making.

Plus, anyone who has genuinely had feelings for me, the texting all night and day has tapered off fairly rapidly, as we have both been aware that we would be long term and can't function with that level of intensity for the longer periods, as it takes focus off real life too much. The only people who I have known withthat level of contact have been in the first flushes of a relationship.

Plus, if you say his 'love language' i s doing, why are you setting store by his words?
Doing would be:
Seeing you very regularly
Wanting to touch/ hug/ kiss you, and you only
Doing things that make you happy, such as going out on dates, even if it's not his thing
planning a realistic future with you (i.e. not mentioning having a baby to someone you are not in a relationship with, not living with and don't have a financial responsibility to, and are planning to live in a different country to)

Finally, a cat is not remotely the same level of responsibility as a child, and you should look into some parenting classes if you think it is.

Everyone has given you excellent advice here. You are choosing not to see this 'relationship' for what it is - a friendship. He doesn't want to be romantically involved with you.

Mmk then.

So, I've been reading all of your responses. One thing I can say I'd you're clearly all looking at this from a different perspective than I am. I don't agree that he doesn't have feelings for me but I bet you'll all say that's because I'm besotted with him etc and I agree. However, when you take a look at the evidence and put it all together (including everything in my opening post you'll see the jigger picture. There's just too much to suggest (to me) that he does have feelings for me, but maybe not as intensely as I do for him, surely we can agree on that (that his feelings aren't as intense as mine?)

Texting me all night. (Someone mentioned earlier on that this dies down and it has, but that's only healthy and natural.)
Always trying to be there for me emotionally and practically.
Saying he wants to have children.
Ever so slightly slipping up in the texts prior to him visiting me.
And so on..

He has said in the past he wants to be in a relationship with me but for whatever reason, hasn't acted on it. Maybe he feels I don't have much to offer, maybe he is guy, maybe he's met someone else, who knows! I am reasonable and rational person believe it or not and I have taken in everything that everyone's had to say. I do apologise for my attitude but I could really do without all the condescending comments. If it carries on like this, I'll just request the thread be closed. Whoever said I'm wasting my time, no I'm not. I treasure both him and our time spent together both online and offline a lot. I couldn't of asked for a better best friend's and we have lots of laughs together, there Is fun times had between us but of course people would rather make assumptions again, and no I won't get rid of him as a friend! If infected you are all right and he's not into me that'll I'll learn to accept that over time. I've already left him several times this year due to my trust issues from mine and my daughters dad's relationship. It wasn't fair and I can't keep doing it to him otherwise I'll well and truly lose him altogether and that's the last thing I want. In fact it's probably added to why he won't make a commitment. I can't blame him either and I'm working hard to build that trust up again.

If in fact* not injected!

How can you "leave him several times this year already" if you not together ?
I'd concentrate more on mending the trust and my parenting skills to access my child rather than fixating on this man who thinks you're shit in bed ?

I mean this gently OP, but have you heard of/read anything about limerance?
You might get really hurt if you go on like this

so instead of trying to get your life together to get custody of your child... your unhealthily obsessing over something that is never going to happen.
No offence OP but you really need to seek help, get some therapy.

I couldn't of asked for a better best friend's and we have lots of laughs together, there Is fun times had between us but of course people would rather make assumptions again, and no I won't get rid of him as a friend!

Couldn't have asked for a better friend than someone who told you you're shit in bed and has, by your own admission, a 'cruel' streak when he wants to use it?

Where's his car going to go when he goes to Japan? You said you believe pets and children require the same level of love and attention so it seems strange he's leaving them behind. Presumably he wouldn't leave a child behind.

Hi Op, you sound lovely and genuine but there will come a time when you’ll ask yourself how you put up with his bs. I just you won’t be wasting anymore time analysing him. Start dating, and if he truly has feelings for you and wants to be with you, he will do something about it. Don’t waste your best years chasing a dream and someone who clearly has commitment issues.

I agree your time and energy would be better spent on building up contact with your daughter and resilience in general versus pining after someone who doesn't want to date you but says they want kids with you in future...

You already have a child. Focus on them.

Ah OP, I don't think you yet realise that having spent all these years remaining 'friends' with a man who keeps blowing hot and cold has completely messed with your self esteem, and taken up precious energy that would have helped you achieve all the things you said you wanted in your 2018 post.

By staying friends with him, you are not allowing yourself to move on and meet people who will not drain you emotionally, constantly questioning whether they want to be with you. He is a toxic friend. He may be better than your ex, or other men, but he's still a self absorbed, flaky man. He's lulled you into a false sense of security, and it means you will never open your heart to making new friends, and relationships that actually make you soar. Not have you posting thread after thread on MN trying to understand what/why he's thinking.

A true friendship and relationship is one that does what's best FOR YOU. A good friend, knowing you love him and are waiting for him, would automatically take space as it would kill him to keep rejecting you. It would upset him that you are not looking for someone else, knowing he can't give you what you want. Real love is selfless, it means wanting to see the other person happy with someone who loves them. If he knows he doesn't want to be with you, he is cruel for leading you on, and carrying on being intimate and making false promises. This is not a good man, this is a manipulative, selfish man. You are stuck, OP. You said last month you would accept he doesn't want to be with you, and be ok with it. Yet, this month, he's made one more daft comment and you're back analysing. How long will you carry on doing this?

In 2018, you had committed to going back to college, getting your daughter back and changing your life. Do you feel that in the last 3 years you have made decent progress on this? Or do you think this man's false promises have distracted you? Just think about this for yourself.

Unrequited love is terrible for self esteem, motivation and energy. You cannot see the effects but if you look back, you will realise that this friendship has actually held you back with it's complicated hot-cold, drama. Some people are just toxic, this man is one of them.

Walk away from him. Throw yourself into learning, throw yourself into meeting people who are socially confident and motivated, men who love you publically and want to be your boyfriend. You will be amazed at how much it changes your life for the better.