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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend Drinks too much, We Don't Have Enough Money.

152 replies

CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 01:37

I've been with him for just over a year. We met online and he lives hour and a half away from me. We are both 20. I've always known that he drinks most nights, but it's just getting too much now. We are staying at my parents house together for a few weeks and my parents are starting to notice that he drinks every night. We have no money, none of my clothes fit me anymore, and I can't buy any. There's other inexpensive things I want, but I can't have because I know I need to keep the moneu because we always end up with none. I borrow money from my parents and it ends up getting wasted on drink. Its also making me ill, I find it difficult not to drink when other people around me are drinking. I just don't know what to do, when I try and talk to him about it, he gets sad and says he needs it to sleep. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 03/08/2021 01:39

Time to dump him. You’re very young and don’t want to be stuck with a loser like that.

Lbnc2021 · 03/08/2021 01:40

Kick him out. You’re too young for this crap, get rid of him and start enjoying your life again.

purplecorkheart · 03/08/2021 01:41

Sorry to sound harsh but make him your ex. You are not going to be able to change him.

Maskedrevenger · 03/08/2021 01:48

Do you want your parents to help you out by saying he can’t stay at their house any longer, this is not the relationship for you. If I was your parent I would be distraught at you being in this sort of relationship, I would quite happily kick him out if you wanted me to help you. They are probably only going along with it because they fear if they make him leave you’ll go with him and not talk to them anymore.

YerAWizardHarry · 03/08/2021 01:53

Why are you giving him money? You don’t live together. If he wants to spunk his cash on booze then let him, absolutely no reason for you (or your parents!) to be funding a 20 year olds binge drinking habit

Original poster
CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 01:56

He's not properly living here, it's sort of like I stay at his for a month or 2, and he stays at mine for a month or 2. We have been together, 24/7 since February, all day and all night. Since we've been together, he's only came to my house twice, I would always go and stay at his house before that. I'll be honest, I'm happy to drink all the time when I'm at his house (as long as we have the money to do so) bwcause his parents don't care. But at my house, they notice what I'm spending money on, and they complain because we end up sat downstairs until stupid hours. The first time he was here, he was quite reasonable, but not this Tim

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 01:57

I don't nessicarily give him money, we've just got into the habit of sharing our money

OP posts:
YerAWizardHarry · 03/08/2021 01:58

seems a very odd set up, do neither of you work?

Original poster
CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 02:02

No neither of us work. We both have our problems that restrict us. I'm getting help that will hopefully help me prepare for work soon.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 03/08/2021 02:03

So he doesn’t work and drinks every day? Not much of a catch is he?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2021 02:04

You are 100% wasting your life on him, it's honestly tragic. He is doing nothing for you except dragging you down. Get rid of him.

DerAlteMann · 03/08/2021 02:06

If you don't get rid of him now when it'll be fairly painless, you'll be doing it some time in the future after a lot of suffering and with a lot more baggage to deal with. If you were 100% certain staying with him is the right idea, why did you post the question?

DismantledKing · 03/08/2021 02:08

If you’re getting help to prepare you for work, he’ll just drag you down. It sounds like he’s possibly learnt his behaviour from his parents, as you say that they don’t care about how he’s acting.
You can’t afford the basics because he’s pissing all your money up the wall. As a PP said, it’s tragic that you’re letting this waster affect your young life.

Original poster
CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 02:15

It's true that he has learnt this from his parents. He was sexually abused by a family member as a child and he struggles to deal with it, last year he told his family about it and his parents just make it about them. Drinking is how he copes but I just don't know, I don't

OP posts:
choli · 03/08/2021 02:18

Eventually both his and your parents will get tired of the pair of you bumming between one home and the other. How will you cope and support yourselves then?

Grow up and make an effort and you can do better than this. Otherwise you are on the road to benefits street with a disgusting excuse for a baby daddy.

Gingernaut · 03/08/2021 02:19

You are not his therapist.

You and your parents are enabling his alcoholism.

Dump him and sort your own life out, before getting involved in someone else's.

Wolframhart · 03/08/2021 02:23

Go tell your parents that you are in way over your head. Ask for their help in getting you out of this relationship ship.

He needs to leave.

You need to work on learning to love yourself before you consider dating anyone else. For now, just focus on improving your own life.

NightEnergyNights3 · 03/08/2021 02:50

Why don't you suggest that you both do a month of no drinking
Save the money, you would have spent on drinking to do something nice, like cinema, or buy those clothes you wanted

Then you continue to the next month

Exercise helps with sleep

If he doesn't want to do the alcohol free, he needs to make appointment with GP or get other help

SparklingLime · 03/08/2021 04:31

I'll be honest, I'm happy to drink all the time when I'm at his house (as long as we have the money to do so) bwcause his parents don't care.

It sounds like you’re drinking to fit in with him? That’s a slippery slope to your own alcohol problems. You have your life ahead of you - focus on yourself and your future, prioritise your own health - mental and physical. You can’t help him out of this.

The three C’s of being involved with an addict:

You didn’t cause it
You can’t cure it
You can’t control it

As a pp said, do talk openly with your parents. Imagine yourself at 25, 30 - is this what you want?

My Boyfriend Drinks too much, We Don't Have Enough Money.
Bananalanacake · 03/08/2021 07:19

Ask your dad to tell him to leave, I'm assuming your dad doesn't want him in his house.

Constancevariable · 03/08/2021 07:22

I don't nessicarily give him money, we've just got into the habit of sharing our money …this is almost worse than ‘just giving him money’ because he’s spending money that comes from you, on drinking. To make things worse you’re not really noticing exactly how much of your money he’s spending. His parents probably won’t mind you being there because you’re taking the pressure off them financially (I’m assuming that your boyfriend would need to ask them for money if your were not around).

Google Al-anon for more information about it all

Hissysnake · 03/08/2021 07:22

You're too young for this shit.

TheWholeJingbang · 03/08/2021 07:25

DUMP HIM

I had a boyfriend like his who used to drink because he needed to sleep

You can’t fix this

I left after eight years and trust me I regret the wasted time so much

You should be enjoying your youth not being worried about something like this

I really hope you have the strength to END IT

You cannot fix this

Nonmaquillee · 03/08/2021 07:26

Oh dear God. You’re 20. 20. What on earth do you get out of this excuse for a “relationship”?

Get rid of him ASAP.
Get a job/travel/study/make new friends.

At 20 the world really is your oyster. Most of us on here would probably love to be 20 again and have your freedom. Your life could be so very very much better.

Ragwort · 03/08/2021 07:29

Why on earth are your parents enabling this, I have a 20 year old DS, I would be appalled if he lived like this and 'dossed' between his GF's home and our's - doing nothing but drinking. Kick him out and get yourself some self esteem.