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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend Drinks too much, We Don't Have Enough Money.

152 replies

CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 01:37

I've been with him for just over a year. We met online and he lives hour and a half away from me. We are both 20. I've always known that he drinks most nights, but it's just getting too much now. We are staying at my parents house together for a few weeks and my parents are starting to notice that he drinks every night. We have no money, none of my clothes fit me anymore, and I can't buy any. There's other inexpensive things I want, but I can't have because I know I need to keep the moneu because we always end up with none. I borrow money from my parents and it ends up getting wasted on drink. Its also making me ill, I find it difficult not to drink when other people around me are drinking. I just don't know what to do, when I try and talk to him about it, he gets sad and says he needs it to sleep. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
bluelemming · 03/08/2021 14:34

So you have a health problem that prevents you working yet you drink every night? Alcohol isn't going to help a health problem, whatever it is. Focus on putting only good stuff into your body and that will help you physically and mentally. And you'll also then be a good role model for your DP.

Coyoacan · 03/08/2021 14:43

So you have a health problem that prevents you working yet you drink every night? Alcohol isn't going to help a health problem, whatever it is

This is so true. You can't change him but you can change yourself, OP.

Original poster
CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 14:45

We won't be drinking tonight, I'll make sure of that. We can't have a break until the end of the month, we have a wedding to go to so to save unnecessary travelling we will be together until after that.
He is willing to get help, he has called his doctors surgery and will have a phone appointment to discuss options. He's a good person, he just has things he needs to work on.

OP posts:
LIZS · 03/08/2021 14:49

An hour and a half is not that far to travel back! You need the break now.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 03/08/2021 14:53

The end of the month is four weeks away. Plenty of time for a break. Stop making excuses.

Terhou · 03/08/2021 15:15

We do have ambitions, we don't want to amount to nothing. We want to start our own business.

That's great, but the reality is that it is only you who wants that. If he wanted it, he wouldn't be taking all your money. He didn't need you to tell him that that wasn't acceptable, he must have known. The reality is that he will carry on as long has he can get away with it.

Unless he is prepared to ditch drinking completely as of now, you need to assume he is not going to change and get rid.

torquewench · 03/08/2021 15:18

@CharlieG1

We won't be drinking tonight, I'll make sure of that. We can't have a break until the end of the month, we have a wedding to go to so to save unnecessary travelling we will be together until after that. He is willing to get help, he has called his doctors surgery and will have a phone appointment to discuss options. He's a good person, he just has things he needs to work on.
How are you going to make sure? Why cant you give yourself a break from him over the next few weeks? Why do you consider a fee hours return trip travel mover 4 weeks "unnecessary"? He's not a good person, he's using you and sounds like he's controlling if he's the one that won't let you travel.
Binnaggy · 03/08/2021 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Coyoacan · 03/08/2021 15:30

He's not a good person

I don't think we can say whether or not he is a good person, but we can say that the OP is not going to cure him of his problems.

OP, you need to look after yourself and your own health. When you get yourself in a good place, seek out someone who is also in a good place as your life partner.

MySecretHistory · 03/08/2021 15:31

@CharlieG1

No neither of us work. We both have our problems that restrict us. I'm getting help that will hopefully help me prepare for work soon.
Almost everyone can work

You need to find what you can do.

VanillaSpiceCandle · 03/08/2021 15:38

Seriously doubt these health problems. You wouldn’t be drinking every night if you had health problems.

I think wanting to start your own business is a great ambition for the future. It would be best to get some more experience either through college, university or similar or work.

The best thing for the both of you is to split up. You’re toxic together. It’ll be hard but it’s for the best. Don’t waste your life like this.

Seesawmummadaw · 03/08/2021 15:47

Stop making excuses

choli · 03/08/2021 15:49

Also - Don't. Get. Pregnant. With. This. Man.
She will though. Guaranteed.

Binnaggy · 03/08/2021 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Original poster
CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 15:56

No. I won't be getting pregnant I don't want children yet. Not even sure if I can get pregnant actually.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/08/2021 16:03

OP does drinking every night make your health condition worse or better?

choli · 03/08/2021 16:06

@CharlieG1

No. I won't be getting pregnant I don't want children yet. Not even sure if I can get pregnant actually.
Let me guess. You aren't sure if you can get pregnant so you are not using reliable contraception and you will be totally shocked when this leads to an unplanned pregnancy.
Original poster
CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 16:10

No, that's not right. We're still sensible and we use condoms 100% of the time.

OP posts:
choli · 03/08/2021 16:15

@CharlieG1

No, that's not right. We're still sensible and we use condoms 100% of the time.
I'm sure you do. Even when you are both blind drunk.
squiglet111 · 03/08/2021 16:22

Ok op. How about trying to sort your life out now. You have an alevel and still young enough to go to uni. How about doing a diploma to get you credits for a degree? You can probably do a diploma in business which is run by university. Then use that to get a business degree. Might be too late now, but could you look into going to uni this year? That will help won't it? If not, a gap year and look at uni the following year? Gives you a year to work /save money and work on your health issues? The beauty is you are only 20, so you can still do anything if you just try! Maybe your boyf has some qualifications he can use to get him on a course? Or apprenticeship? Start thinking about your future and work towards that goal of making it happen. Good luck

Original poster
CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 16:31

Yes, every single time. If we're drunk enough to not be able to use one properly, then we're too drunk for sex anyway.

OP posts:
NightEnergyNights3 · 03/08/2021 16:34

You would be better off

End relationship
Keep your own money
Apply for lots of jobs
Get job, start new life

I know people that commute more than 1.5 hours each way to work. I've done a long commute myself

You need to look after number one, which is you

Stop trying to save your boyfriend, he needs to save himself

Original poster
CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 16:34

@squiglet111

Ok op. How about trying to sort your life out now. You have an alevel and still young enough to go to uni. How about doing a diploma to get you credits for a degree? You can probably do a diploma in business which is run by university. Then use that to get a business degree. Might be too late now, but could you look into going to uni this year? That will help won't it? If not, a gap year and look at uni the following year? Gives you a year to work /save money and work on your health issues? The beauty is you are only 20, so you can still do anything if you just try! Maybe your boyf has some qualifications he can use to get him on a course? Or apprenticeship? Start thinking about your future and work towards that goal of making it happen. Good luck
I think that I could possibly be ready to move forward and either work by September or now you mention it, going back into education may be a good option for me. Yes he has qualifications in plumbing! I think that once he is ready, I'll talk to him about looking for an apprenticeship. He is just not ready at this moment
OP posts:
choli · 03/08/2021 16:39

Yes he has qualifications in plumbing! I think that once he is ready, I'll talk to him about looking for an apprenticeship. He is just not ready at this moment
He's never going to be ready. Make yourself ready and move on from this loser.

Holothane · 03/08/2021 16:40

0h for goodness sake get rid of this drunk, for that’s what he is, he’s dragging you down DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN I repeat DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN you’ve got a life relive it without this hanging around your neck. Do you in 10 years time want to be broke with a drunken partner, worries about benders, kids dragging you down well carry on. Hugs now kick him out of your life.