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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend Drinks too much, We Don't Have Enough Money.

152 replies

CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 01:37

I've been with him for just over a year. We met online and he lives hour and a half away from me. We are both 20. I've always known that he drinks most nights, but it's just getting too much now. We are staying at my parents house together for a few weeks and my parents are starting to notice that he drinks every night. We have no money, none of my clothes fit me anymore, and I can't buy any. There's other inexpensive things I want, but I can't have because I know I need to keep the moneu because we always end up with none. I borrow money from my parents and it ends up getting wasted on drink. Its also making me ill, I find it difficult not to drink when other people around me are drinking. I just don't know what to do, when I try and talk to him about it, he gets sad and says he needs it to sleep. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
WildingFae · 03/08/2021 09:15

Stop sharing your money!!!

Why doesn't he work?

Alfiemoon1 · 03/08/2021 10:29

Why aren’t either of you working or studying

SamMil · 03/08/2021 10:39

You deserve more. Split up and make something of your own life.

Bollindger · 03/08/2021 10:46

Are you sure this is what you want your forever life to be? Living in someone else's home , broke and drunk, with a man who doesn't love you enough to change?
Your parents love you enough to let it happen, but they will help you escape if you just ask them for the help.

gamerchick · 03/08/2021 10:50

God op, the two of you are twenty, you spend your days bumming round each other’s parents houses, scrounging money and sitting getting pissed every night. Even if your parents were ok with it, is this really how you want to live? Skint, homeless, over weight, can’t afford clothes, just being a pair of bored drunken wasters?

This.

This is why everyone on this thread is wasting their time. This is what they look like to the outside world and don't give a toss.

If you have any sense OP you would send him home permanently. I don't think you will though.

NoNotYou · 03/08/2021 10:54

@Bluntness100

For goodness sake, they are both twenty, nineteen when they met, what’s the obsession with grooming on here, and absolving women of their life style choices

Thank you for your POV on my POV Smile

ladygindiva · 03/08/2021 10:54

Don't share your money with him. Absolutely no need or point in this unless you are married with dc.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/08/2021 10:57

OP you can’t change him. There are clearly a lot of underlying issues but he needs to work on these himself with professional help.

If you really want to help him, break up with him. It might motivate him to find that help. But it’s most unlikely to happen if you stay together.

And you don’t sound happy. A good healthy relationship will make you feel happy. Not confused, scared and hurt. Best wishes

Bluntness100 · 03/08/2021 10:59

@ladygindiva

Don't share your money with him. Absolutely no need or point in this unless you are married with dc.
She’s not just sharing her money, she’s bumming it off her parents and sharing theirs too so they can both sit and get pissed.

Thank you for your POV on my POV

On line dating is a thing and unless there is a drip feed coming then the op is responsible for her choices, she is not some child who he groomed and it’s appalling to suggest she was.

FrownedUpon · 03/08/2021 11:06

Your standards are way too low. He’s unemployed & drinking every day. Do you really think he’s the best you can do?

I suggest you work on your own self esteem & make sure you make better choices in men moving forward. Good luck.

Ugzbugz · 03/08/2021 11:14

You are 20 and should be having the time of your life with no money worries. Run for the hills and be young, fun, free and single!

Fiddliestofsticks · 03/08/2021 11:18

He's a waste of space and to be honest, so are you. You dont work, you're taking money from your parents and sharing it with him so that you can both drinking every night. Dont say it is all him; you admit you're doing it too because you find it hard not to drink if someone around you is drinking. Wtf even is that? Someone is drinking so you have to grab a bottle and do it too? Ate you 12?

Grow up. Stop spending your parent's money on your waster boyfriend and on your own drink. Get a bloody grip and sort your life out. Step one is to never see that little boy again.

squiglet111 · 03/08/2021 11:30

This sounds like a recipe for disaster. If you don't end things now with him you will end up making a real mess of your life. Where do you want to be in 5 years? In a job, financially secure,own place, travelling/holidaying maybe and happy? or with him, drunk every night, 3 kids with social services involves or perhaps with children in care? Possibly living in a 1 bed flat or still at your parents? Might sound dramatic but it happens.

If you both have issues now, you are no good for each other and will always bring each other down. He needs to deal with his problems and hit rock bottom before he can sort himself out. You need to start getting on with your life and trying to make something of it.

Thekormachameleon · 03/08/2021 11:33

Is this really the life you want ? 20 years old, sofa surfing between two houses, no money, no new clothes, assuming no nights out, holidays, cars, luxuries ?

At 20 you should be living your best life and I cannot believe that this is all you aspire to

CirqueDeMorgue · 03/08/2021 11:45

Everyone calling the boyfriend a loser, OP is also drinking and not working?

IceLace100 · 03/08/2021 11:50

Take a step back and think about this OP.

You're 20 years old with your whole life ahead of you.

Do you want to spend the next 70 years sat around in parents houses jobless and drinking your life away?

What do you want? Career? Family? Travel? Home ownership? Health? Have a think, because it's within your reach if you start working towards it now.

The boyfriend is clearly destructive and should be dumped. But you knew that.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 03/08/2021 11:59

I've only read your post, not the full thread, but I just want to say that there is nothing better than being 20 and single Smile

girl71 · 03/08/2021 12:17

@CirqueDeMorgue i thought that. Implying that the boyfriend is bringing the OP down and is a waste of space but he is no different to the OP. With respect the Op is hardly a catch herself. Shocking that 2 people who are 20 , are not working, sofa surfing at parents houses and all at the tax payers expense. Another one of those threads that starts ...we met on line and he lives hours away.. been together a year ( but only actually met a handful of times
before we moved in together..
in someone else's house).

"no money, none of my clothes fit me anymore, and I can't buy any. There's other inexpensive things I want, but I can't".

It is your responsibility to pay for yourself, clothe yourself and house yourself. The
expensive things you want will come when you are working. You are in no position at all to expect any expensive things or drink every night, when you are currently living at everyone else's expense. With kindness Op you need to end the relationship and plough all your energies into starting a career, not online dating sites. A relationship with a good decent man will come in time but equally you have to be in a place where you yourself have something to offer them also. Good decent men do not start relationships with unemployed heavy drinkers, living at their parents. You have to be better if you want better. If you continue as you are you will stay in this cycle of feckless living and relationships with no hopers expecting others to bail you out.

LIZS · 03/08/2021 12:34

@CirqueDeMorgue

Everyone calling the boyfriend a loser, OP is also drinking and not working?
But op can only change her behaviour, not his. She is surrounding herself with a negative influence. She may have a valid reason for not working at present but this relationship is not going to help her change that longer term.
Original poster
CharlieG1 · 03/08/2021 12:39

There's too many to reply to everyone sorry.
I just want to say some things. Many of you are commenting on my being over weight for the rest of my life? No. My clothes don't fit tidy anymore because they're too big, I've lost weight. I used to be overweight, now I'm a healthy weight.
We told Completely doss around all day, whoevers house were at, we do all the things around the house and we also do at least a walk daily, sometimes a bike ride or other activity.
Someone said I shouldn't have been putting my energy into Internet dating sites. It wasn't a dating site, we met on a group on Facebook and got on really well, we spoke for over a year before I actually met him.
Also, I wasn't groomed as someone did say.
We do have ambitions, we don't want to amount to nothing. We want to start our own business.
Any money that I borrow off my parents I give back.

OP posts:
Fiddliestofsticks · 03/08/2021 12:42

People with successful businesses do not go from sitting on the sofa drinking every day to having a successful business.

Do you actually have any skills? What is your business going to be?

Its pie in the sky nonsense from a couple of drinks who haven't ever actually worked for anything. Your poor parents.

SparklingLime · 03/08/2021 12:47

You might feel like you’ve had a bit of a pile on, @CharlieG1, and quite a lot of criticism. But there’s some good advice and a big reality check.

It’s sad to see you still referring to “we” in everything you wrote.

LaBellina · 03/08/2021 12:50

You’re 20. Bin him. Don’t waste your twenties on a total loser.

Take it from someone who knows from experience.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/08/2021 12:52

I don't nessicarily give him money, we've just got into the habit of sharing our money

No you haven't. You've got into the habit of pooling your money to sub him. Very different.

It's not sharing if one person is always benefitting. It's taking the piss. It's something decent people don't do if they're the one always being subbed. It's something people with good boundaries don't do if they're the one always doing the subbing.

He would rather you went without things than he went without drink. That's what it comes down to.

You're 20, hopefully you'll see the light ASAP and then look back on this in years to come and think WTF was I thinking and thank god I dumped him!

Also - Don't. Get. Pregnant. With. This. Man.

Pissinthepottyplease · 03/08/2021 12:52

Your relationship with him is incredibly unhealthy (being around him 24/7 since February) and not normal at all. It sounds like you also have a problem with alcohol, you can’t be around others who are drinking and not drink yourself and your happy to drink all day at his house.

The relationship sound destructive and you’re just going to bring each other down. You need to separate, sort yourselves out and say in a years time meet up together and see if a healthy relationship is possible.