My Boyfriend Drinks too much, We Don't Have Enough Money.

[CharlieG1]

I've been with him for just over a year. We met online and he lives hour and a half away from me. We are both 20. I've always known that he drinks most nights, but it's just getting too much now. We are staying at my parents house together for a few weeks and my parents are starting to notice that he drinks every night. We have no money, none of my clothes fit me anymore, and I can't buy any. There's other inexpensive things I want, but I can't have because I know I need to keep the moneu because we always end up with none. I borrow money from my parents and it ends up getting wasted on drink. Its also making me ill, I find it difficult not to drink when other people around me are drinking. I just don't know what to do, when I try and talk to him about it, he gets sad and says he needs it to sleep. I don't know what to do.

He'll drink a your money away.

OP if you want to make something of yourself, you'll have to cut him lose. I say this as someone who has walked away from someone who drank too much. And he was a nice person,but I noticed things like you said like me feeling the need to drink too when he was around and also, i thought,how would we prepare any kind of a future if all his money went on drink?

Its not a fun decision to make it but really, theres no other choice. Not if you love yourself. And you should. Because you're the only person that will always have your back through thick and thin and if you cant depend on yourself to do that then you're failing yourself. You gotta protect yourself from people that drag you down to places you cant come back from. You are not somebody elses life jacket.

Any money that I borrow off my parents in order to pay for his drinking problem I give back because he doesn't have money to give it back to them as he's spent it on his drinking problem.

Fixed that for you.

Agree with a poster it's very unhealthy that almost everything is 'we' not 'I'. It's 'I' when you have to borrow money from your parents and pay it back though isn't it? Funnily enough that isn't a shared responsibility in his eyes...

Your parents sound like enablers to a crazy degree - which is therefore likely to be an attitude you have learned and could easily apply in relationships. This means someone with addiction issues is the LAST person you should be with as you'll enable them.

You're happy to drink every night at his because his parents allow it? So you're happy to enable his addiction in one home (your parents) by paying for it and when the money runs out, borrowing from your parents, and to join his addiction in another home (his parents) by drinking every night with him. That doesn't sound like love to me. It sounds like a man who is an addict and a partner who enables that man's addiction to the maximum amount they can in any given situation.

You're 20. Hopefully this is an age / life experience / life lesson thing but you need to get help for your tendency to enable and your inability to see how you're encouraging his addiction. That isn't what love looks like. From either of you.

@Fiddliestofsticks

People with successful businesses do not go from sitting on the sofa drinking every day to having a successful business.

Do you actually have any skills? What is your business going to be?

Its pie in the sky nonsense from a couple of drinks who haven't ever actually worked for anything. Your poor parents.

Yes I have a levels in business studies, nothing special or a great qualification but I have an idea of business. I had a job up until last year. I have worked for the things I have.

Get the hell out of dodge. He's an alcoholic waster who is prepared to drink all your money. I can't believe you're having to ask this question its as plain as the nose on your face.

Tell him its over and get your parents to evict him. Job done.

@CharlieG1

There's too many to reply to everyone sorry. I just want to say some things. Many of you are commenting on my being over weight for the rest of my life? No. My clothes don't fit tidy anymore because they're too big, I've lost weight. I used to be overweight, now I'm a healthy weight. We told Completely doss around all day, whoevers house were at, we do all the things around the house and we also do at least a walk daily, sometimes a bike ride or other activity. Someone said I shouldn't have been putting my energy into Internet dating sites. It wasn't a dating site, we met on a group on Facebook and got on really well, we spoke for over a year before I actually met him. Also, I wasn't groomed as someone did say. We do have ambitions, we don't want to amount to nothing. We want to start our own business. Any money that I borrow off my parents I give back.

2 people who have 'reasons' they can't work, who also have drinking problems are never going to be able to open a business.

You can't even budget your own money. You sounds extremely immature. Which is fine, you are 20. But you sound immature for a 20 year old.

Plenty of people manage a walk everyday, housework AND a job.

You have no money, because you don't earn any and don't budget what you have.

I think he is taking complete advantage, because you won't say no. But you insist he isn't. So the only option is that you are exactly like him.

Making something of your life, doesn't just happen to people. Many of us here have been abused, or had reasons that there's been times we can work. Some have and have had drinking issues.

Neither you or your boyfriend are dealing with something unique. No one in these circumstances just gets out of it by luck or by sitting round and talking about it.

I have worked for the things I have.

What exactly do you have, because you op says you can't afford anything

Get off your backsides and get work firstly. Unless your reasons are poor health there aren't really many others worth knowing about. Your sense of self worth will improve and hopefully you will see there is much much better out there for you

Is this how you want to spend the next 60 years OP?

Please we are not attacking you.
All people want you too see is that two people who are both depressed and drinking, means no moving forward, to improve your lives.
My 2021/22 wish would be you feel able to change something's and move towards your own alcohol free home.

I can't work right now because of health issues. I am working on those issues and hoping that I am able to work in the very near future. I do want to work.
I'm not saying I don't have time for work.

@CharlieG1

I can't work right now because of health issues. I am working on those issues and hoping that I am able to work in the very near future. I do want to work. I'm not saying I don't have time for work.

So health issues that mean you can't work.

But also fine drinking every night to the point you can't afford anything else?

Do you know what's good for helping you sleep?

Working hard all day.

Op, a business studies a level is in no way an insight into running a business. And people who run successful businesses don't get pissed every night and have to borrow money from their parents so they can drink.

I'm all for people living their lives the way they want to, but borrowing money and having nothing to show for it is a complete waste of your life.

Hospitality businesses are crying out for staff. So are many others. Tidy yourself up, borrow one last time from your parents to buy some cheap, serviceable clothes and get a job. If there are few jobs in your area, move. You could get a live in position in loads of really lovely areas anywhere in the country.

Then think about what you really want to do. You're 20, the world's there for the taking!

Please don't spend another day with your loser of a boyfriend, he's dragging you down into his own personal sewer when you could be aiming for the stars.

This is an extremely unhealthy co dependent relationship.

Just the fact you have been together 24/7 since feb is bizarre. Don't you have other friends? Doesn't he?

This 'sharing money' is bullshit though isn't it. He is spending yours whilst you get left in debt funding an alcoholic.

Doesn't work but drinks ever day?? How does he finance this. Oh yes on other people's money. He is a real catch NOT.

Neither of us have friends. I know that seems weird. We each have people from the past that we talk to online, but personally I don't want to actually see them in person.
I've had a chat with him this morning, I've never had a chat with him about the drinking before. After the chat he says he understands and didn't realise I was feeling like this. We are going to research possible help he can get. I've told him that I can be with him forever if he's always going to be like this.

I know I need to keep the moneu because we always end up with none. I borrow money from my parents and it ends up getting wasted on drink. Its also making me ill, I find it difficult not to drink when other people around me are drinking.
This is all so passive. It doesn’t end up getting wasted on drink: you make an active choice to either spend it on drink or give it to this loser. You don’t just “end up with none”: you make the choice to spend it or give it to him.

Just kick him out, get your parents to stand by you, and stop drinking. He’s never going to start a business – doing what, “Experiential Hangovers Ltd”?

Not up to you to research support. He is an adult and can and should do it himself and take responsibility for his problem. Meantime
I'd suggest you go to your respective homes and rethink what you want from life. If you can find someone an hour and half away there will be other potential friends closer to home. Learn to budget so you can afford to prioritise basics over alcohol.

Agree with pp about codependency.

OP an alcoholic needs to get help for themself. Because THEY realise they have a problem. And because THEY want to change. Otherwise he will resent you and whenever he falls back into drinking, claim he was only ever stopping for you anyway and act like you owe him something because he is 'trying'.

He needs to get help. Outwith a relationship. You need to work on breaking your codepency issues. Outwith a relationship. Otherwise you'll just date a sting of users, wasters and soul suckers.

Dump him. He's a waste of space.

Ok that’s a good first step.

Will you both be drinking tonight? Or can you make a pact not to?

Get rid. Youre only 20. He'll be a millstone around your neck for the best years of your life. You can do so much better. You need to put your effort into preparing for work and then creating a fun and enjoyable life for yourself rather than dossing with parents and facilitating his drinking.

It’s a good first step. It’s probably best you stay at your parents. Could you each stay at your own parents for a while to get a break and go back to splitting money? At least then you can put some away (which you don’t have to give him- consider opening another account if that will help)

If you don't live together, why on earth is he spending your money on booze? He is literally drinking you dry.

Honestly, get rid. You have no great future together.