DH and women’s underwear

[Needanothername1234]

Feeling a bit sick and need someone to tell me if I’m being horrible.
My DH wears women’s knickers. I first found out when I discovered some close up photos of him wearing my underwear on his computer (which I occasionally used with his permission) This happened after we’d been together for about 2 years and had moved in together. He said that it was a little kink when he masturbated sometimes, no big deal, so I asked him not to because he’d ruin my underwear.

Subsequently I found some knickers in the house after I’d been away. I immediately assumed he was having an affair, so was relieved to discover that he’d bought himself more underwear so that he wouldn’t fuck mine up. We talked about it, and I told him I felt upset by his furtive behaviour, and did he want to wear them during sex? I thought that by incorporating them into our sex life it would make him feel less ashamed. So we did that occasionally, and he openly had a few pairs he would wear with me, and I thought that would be enough.

We are now married and have been together for 10 years. During that time we’ve been through some really hard experiences including infertility, and our sex life has dwindled to almost non-existence. This is partly due to my libido disappearing (perimenopause) but also because DH makes no attempt to have sex. I’ve told him many times that I want to have sex with him and be intimate, even if my lack of libido means that I rarely make the first move. He swears that he still fancies me, and when we do have sex he still seems to be keen.

Over the last week we’ve been sleeping separately (insomnia/snoring) and I noticed that he’d shaved all his pubic hair off. I jokingly said that he was using the spare room as an opportunity to live out his sexual fantasies without my oppressive presence, and he just laughed and said it was more comfortable in the hot weather. Anyway, I lost something a couple of days ago and asked if I could look through his drawers to see if it was mixed up with his stuff. I then found two drawers full of knickers, stockings, etc. When I asked him about it it became apparent that he has now replaced me with masturbation, and he wears this stuff all the time and regularly buys it. I feel sick. It feels like he’s cheating on me, but not even with another woman. I’ve been cast aside in favour of a load of nasty polyester. The secrecy makes me feel so sick.

We’ve talked about it a lot, and it seems as though he wants to wear it all the time. I have no problem with him wearing it in bed sometimes as a dirty sex thing, but am really repulsed by the idea of him shaving and wearing it day to day. I feel like a horrible intolerant person, but I don’t know if I can fancy him if he goes down this feminine route. It really turns me off.

I am getting hrt to try and deal with my libido, but it feels as though he’s already written off our sex life. He’s a wonderful kind man and we’ve been through so much and I love him dearly, but I’m really struggling with the way he’s just written me out of his sex life. It’s crazy that I feel jealous. How do I deal with this?

@Imasoulman yes and below is only from her first post . What am I missing ?

I felt upset by his furtive behaviour

because DH makes no attempt to have sex. I’ve told him many times that I want to have sex with him

The secrecy makes me feel so sick

When I asked him about it it became apparent that he has now replaced me with masturbation, and he wears this stuff all the time and regularly buys it. I feel sick. It feels like he’s cheating on me

I’m really struggling with the way he’s just written me out of his sex life

I wouldve filed for divorce the moment I saw pictures if him in my knickers.
That's not intolerance that is called having boundaries op.
Massive turn off ,you will never be as important to him as this fetish and that is what it is a fetish and will continue to increase in intensity until you are utterly embarrassed and at rock bottom.
Leave and leave now .

@Inthesameboatatmo
B-b-but... you might also scream and faint at the sight of the OP's bush 😂

I think this thread is a classic example of "It takes all sorts" and has seriously tested MN's capacity for non-judgement.

[quote MrsMaizel]@Imasoulman yes and below is only from her first post . What am I missing ?

I felt upset by his furtive behaviour

because DH makes no attempt to have sex. I’ve told him many times that I want to have sex with him

The secrecy makes me feel so sick

When I asked him about it it became apparent that he has now replaced me with masturbation, and he wears this stuff all the time and regularly buys it. I feel sick. It feels like he’s cheating on me

I’m really struggling with the way he’s just written me out of his sex life[/quote]

She has since on numerous occasions explained these comments and the results of talking this through with her DH.

There have been a few posters on this thread explaining that they live very happily with men who have this fetish, none of who have gone on to other things.

Everyone is different, not all experiances are going to be same. Not sure why that is difficult to understand.

Well I am quoting her words. It's up to you if you take a different spin on it .

@MrsMaizel

Well I am quoting her words. It's up to you if you take a different spin on it .

You’re quoting some of my words. However, given that I’ve amply explained the situation leading up to the secrecy, that there wasn’t much opportunity for exploring this fetish with me because I wasn’t initiating sex with him, his shame and embarrassment about suggesting it when sex had become so infrequent etc, and given that I’ve explained that I’m prepared to try to rebuild the trust and work on our sex life, it would appear that you’re ignoring all my subsequent posts in favour of only quoting phrases that support your own feelings about this, rather than attempting to understand that this a complex issue and my feelings vary in reference to the different elements of it.

The idea that anyone from the Transwidows thread would be relishing the OP suffering and shovelling in popcorn is incredibly offensive.

I can assure you we wish this on nobody.

@ProfessorInkling I'm assuming you're referring to my post? If you read it properly you'll see that the transwidows are a different group to the popcorn shovellors. The popcorn shovellors have no empathy and exist on these forums simply to be entertained - usually by tragedies in other posters lives, even encouraging rash life-changing decisions.

The transwidows imo have been so crushed by the devastation caused that they often go from a hearing about a kink such as wearing lingerie then jumping to wanting to fully transition.

Fair enough @EatWellStayFitDieAnyway - apologies for the misinterpretation.

Not all the transwidows are crushed…or stay crushed, anyway… we have had such solid support here from @TinselAngel ’s threads. We may have collectively suffered a heck of a lot but many of us found freedom on the other side.

@Nowayhozay

If your partners have transitioned to become or to live as women then they were trans when you married, the fact you didn't know doesn't change that

Uninformed bollocks.

(Sorry OP, nothing helpful to add. I think it's all been said. I hope your marriage works out )

It's not because your husband likes wearing women's knickers that so many people are seeing red flags and similarities to the trans widows experiences, OP. It's because, despite how much you may want and choose not to see it, there is clear escalation here.

The secrecy.
The lies.
The photos.
The increase from the odd pair of your knickers to two entire drawers of underwear and stockings (the majority of which you obviously didn't know about despite your laid back shopping trips with him, or you wouldn't have had to ask him about them).
The shaving.
The desire to wear it all the time rather than just as the occasional thing (and even if that is 'all the time in bed' rather than 'every day to the office', that's more than you expected or originally agreed to or is fair, considering it's something you're neutral / accommodating about but isn't actually a kink you share).
The grandiose gesture of throwing it all out on discovery, classic purging.

You don't want to see it, so now you're minimising and trying to put distance between him and the early stages of the trans widows' experiences and I completely understand why, but he is already pushing at your boundaries. I hope you're right that this is just about him having one "failing - he wants to wear women’s underwear" but the evidence above suggests it's already a bit more than a harmless kink. I genuinely wish you well and I hope you don't end up having to live with any/too much cognitive dissonance and gaslighting.

[quote TieYourCannons]@Nowayhozay

If your partners have transitioned to become or to live as women then they were trans when you married, the fact you didn't know doesn't change that

Uninformed bollocks.

(Sorry OP, nothing helpful to add. I think it's all been said. I hope your marriage works out )[/quote]
I'm very well informed on the subject thank you.

People don't just wake up one day and decide they are Trans.
People are born Trans, they might fight those feelings they might deny and suppress them, they may even just be too scared to act on them but they were born Trans and were Trans when they married!

@Nowayhozay You are making sweeping generalisations that in no way apply to all transitioners. If I become a Catholic, does that mean I was always Catholic? People discover new things in life all the time. Peer pressure can play a big part, as does mental illness.

@VeryLongBeeeep
Thank you for your good wishes, but yours is yet another example of a PP misreading what I’ve said/embellishing the facts.

Which photos are you talking about? I’ve only mentioned one instance of photos. This was eight years ago. How is one instance of photography eight years ago proof of escalation?

Yes, the volume of underwear has increased. I imagine that if you have an interest in women’s lingerie then over the course of eight years you might want to add to your collection, rather than repeatedly wearing the same three pairs of knickers which get get a little boring/ragged. Presumably you occasionally get yourself new underwear?

DH has not asked me to always have sex with him in lingerie. We have discussed how often he feels he’d like to do it in order for that need to be fulfilled and I’m more than happy with the frequency he’s suggested.

If I read multiple stories about trans widows and see very few experiences in those stories which chime with my own, why would I allow those stories to determine what my feelings about this should be?

Why are PPs so determined to dismiss the value of my own judgement? Why so sure that the trans widow stories take precedence over the multiple stories on this thread about people enjoying this fetish together within happy relationships? Why can’t PPs countenance the idea that not everyone fits into the same trans widow box?

I am open to the idea that my relationship may not be able to survive this, as I’ve stated multiple times.
Apparently very few people are able to put aside their personal feelings of it being disgusting and a turn off for them. I don’t know why PPs can’t accept that not every man who likes lingerie is trans, despite multiple posters here describing relationships that happily accommodate it without any escalation.

He may be trans. I’m absolutely not ruling it out. But nothing so far confirms that he is. That isn’t minimising. It’s looking at the facts and seeing that at the moment his behaviour falls within the realms of a man who enjoys lingerie during sex. That may change. Who knows? Not anyone here - regardless of how vociferously they insist they do.

Not all the transwidows are crushed…or stay crushed, anyway Sorry I wasn't suggesting they stay crushed at all. I've been through much trauma and believe people emerge much stronger. However, when speaking to people going through the same, I remember the feeling if that makes sense?

I also think with something like this some people sometimes seek to make the facts fit what they are familiar with. Much like when some people have been cheated on, if someone posts their partner has been acting differently for example, the cheated on poster will suggest (and sometimes insist) that their partner is having an affair, when it could be various other possibilities.

@Nowayhowzay brill you’ve well informed on the subject . What does born Trans entail?

How does one know?

[quote TieYourCannons]@Nowayhozay You are making sweeping generalisations that in no way apply to all transitioners. If I become a Catholic, does that mean I was always Catholic? People discover new things in life all the time. Peer pressure can play a big part, as does mental illness.[/quote]
You can decide to become Catholic at any time, that's a choice. Trans people do not chose to be Trans.

You are of course correct that peer pressure is playing a part in the upsurge of youngsters identifying as Trans, but middle aged men ?? Seems unlikely.

Mental health, yes decades of fighting these feelings the stress of all the denial the worry of it all coming out will undoubtedly lead to mental health problems which can be treated by Transition to some level.

The op's dh has a harmless fetish a leap from that to living as a woman is not the only outcome.

[quote MadamBatty]@Nowayhowzay brill you’ve well informed on the subject . What does born Trans entail?

How does one know?[/quote]
Trans people will tell you that they have an inate feeling/belief that they are the wrong sex.

How do you tell ?
Not sure what you mean, surely only the Trans person themselves can tell ?

Please don't ask me how "it feels" you know perfectly well even Trans people cannot express that.

However things work out for you, OP, I know you'll be just fine. I'm speechless in admiration at your ability to handle your own boundaries, as evidenced on this thread. I don't get any sense of your DH chasing you round the house in a Benny Hill nursing outfit, brandishing a feather duster, while you scream and hide in the cupboard under the stairs wishing he would just man up for a change.

@Alcemeg
note to self - burn the feather duster before DH tries to incorporate it into his filthy perverted antics

[quote Needanothername1234]@Alcemeg
note to self - burn the feather duster before DH tries to incorporate it into his filthy perverted antics[/quote]
Don't knock it till you've tried it, OP. Who knows, it might inspire in him an uncontrollable fetish to clean the toilet, put on a wash and hoover the stairs!!!

😂😂😂

@Nowayhozay you are talking about gender dysphoria which accounts for only a segment of transitioners. For others it's a fetish and others it's triggered by social problems, personality disorders and peer pressure. Don't make the mistake of viewing them all through the same lens.

He’s got a fetish. It’s not that unusual a fetish for a man to want to don women’s underwear. It turns him on; he likes the feel of it & the sense that he’s being naughty by wearing it. If you’ve got an otherwise happy marriage then you’ve got the foundation there already for seeing it for what it is; a fetish; nothing more, nothing less

Trans people will tell you that they have an inate feeling/belief that they are the wrong sex.

How do you tell ?
Not sure what you mean, surely only the Trans person themselves can tell ?

Please don't ask me how "it feels" you know perfectly well even Trans people cannot express that.

Please stop imagining that you are some sort of saviour mouthpiece for all trans people or have insight into what they all 'will tell you' or what they can or cannot express.

Really now, just who the hell do you think you are?

I'm not imaging that I'm anything.
I'm simply relaying what trans people have told me.

" Who the hell do I think I am" ?
The mother of a Trans Child is who I am.
The friend of several other parents of Trans Children.
A friend to two Trans women, a friend to a Transmam oh and a friend to a guy with a lingerie fetish 🙂

You come across as very cross, I'm sorry for you