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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has just used me hasn't he? Do I give up now with some dignity left?

162 replies

Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 00:32

I met a guy through mutual friends, we hit it off from the start. He took me out, he was always avaliable, made plans to see me, never once cancelled. We sleep together for the first time and he is now suddenly unavailable. Two times I have suggested we meet and he declined one and cancelled the other. I've been used haven't I? Do I just stop all contact with him now? I've tried to give him the benefit of doubt but he has never done this before we slept together.

OP posts:
DamnUserName21 · 01/08/2021 13:27

OP, there are likely many reasons why he has backed off (nan dying, boring sex, whatever) but you will never know what they are. From what you have said, he doesn't seem interested in taking things further with you so keep your dignity and don't contact him at all.

PegasusReturns · 01/08/2021 13:31

Great to see a poster being "supported" by people telling her she is too needy and self absorbed because someone she has been seeing has ghosted her

Ghosted? Do you live in a parallel universe where words mean something completely different to that which they do here?

It’s been six days.
He’s texted her and talked to her in that time
His grandmother died.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 13:31

Are people trying to wind the OP up even more? This isn’t a soap opera you know...

Please explain why you think he’s not interested in taking things further with OP? On what basis have you decided that’s the case?

Because he cancelled a date once right after his grandmother died? Because OP hasn’t seen him for one week since there was a death in the family?

He’s been in touch, has spoken with OP on the phone and is maintaining contact by text.

Notnowkate · 01/08/2021 13:33

@NinjaBreadMan

Why on Earth would crap sex be your fault?
Can it only ever be a man's fault?
PegasusReturns · 01/08/2021 13:35

Agree with @Ninkanink

There’s something really unpleasant about the posters whipping the OP into a frenzy of self loathing: shit sex / not interested / ghosting / appalling behaviour. This is someone’s real life not a daytime soap.

The guy hasn’t done anything wrong. Maybe their relationship won’t progress. Maybe it will. It’s impossible to tell given the circumstances.

There’s no need for drama. Definitely no need for imagining you’re being treated badly. Stay in touch, give it a week and see how the situation is next weekend.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 13:36

Crap sex isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. I think I know what OP means though - sometimes people are nervous, you haven’t had time to get to know what does it for the other person, you might not be able to let go completely the first time you have sex with a new partner, etc etc. It’s perfectly reasonable to think it might well get better with time. Of course it might not...but you can’t know without trying!

I don’t think she meant she was going to perform good sex for him! Or I hope to god that’s not what she meant! I’d be looking for the sex to improve for myself first, then for him...

Tal45 · 01/08/2021 13:49

I would leave it now and just carry on with your life. He might not be interested, he might be dealing with his nan's death, let him make the effort and do the running if he wants to get this back on track.

TheBestCandidateByFar · 01/08/2021 14:18

You don't need to prove the sex can be better. Takes two to tango.

EarthSight · 01/08/2021 14:23

@Nightqueen

I met a guy through mutual friends, we hit it off from the start. He took me out, he was always avaliable, made plans to see me, never once cancelled. We sleep together for the first time and he is now suddenly unavailable. Two times I have suggested we meet and he declined one and cancelled the other. I've been used haven't I? Do I just stop all contact with him now? I've tried to give him the benefit of doubt but he has never done this before we slept together.
What was sex like? Maybe he just saw that you were sexually incompatible and didn't handle it well?
beastlyslumber · 01/08/2021 14:39

Sex shouldn't be a performance where you get rated by your partner. That sounds very dehumanising. Sex can be many things, but if it's just boring the first time you do it with someone, that's a good sign that there's no real emotional connection there.

Just leave it for now OP and let him do some of the running. If he doesn't, then you have your answer.

Original poster
Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 14:40

He is doing all his other norms, going places etc apart from seeing me. This makes me think he is no longer interested but then he confuses me with his words and contact. But I guess that is just what they are - words!

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 01/08/2021 14:54

@Nightqueen Judge people by their actions, not by their words. If he wanted to see you, he would see you. If he liked you, he would make an effort to meet up. He's keeping you hanging around because it suits him/flatters him to think you're available. Let him go and move on.

Maybe have a think about why you're so keen on someone who has made you feel so low.

ILoveYou3000 · 01/08/2021 16:01

@Nightqueen

He is doing all his other norms, going places etc apart from seeing me. This makes me think he is no longer interested but then he confuses me with his words and contact. But I guess that is just what they are - words!
What are his other norms that he's continuing to do? How long have you been dating? And prior to last weekend how often were you seeing one another?
daisychain01 · 01/08/2021 16:13

@RampantIvy

Great to see a poster being "supported" by people telling her she is too needy and self absorbed because someone she has been seeing has ghosted her Hmm

Regardless of the fact that his grandmother died, he could have had the balls to tell her he didn't want to see her any more.

That's the point that so many people on here don't seem to get.
  • it takes very little to communicate with the OP - if he's OK having sex then he should by now being OK about treating that person decently by telling them the score, whatever it is. Call time on the relationship, ask for a period of time to deal with his loss, set a date in the future to contact the OP. Whatever That's how a reasonable person would behave, it's a hellava lot better than the big disappearing act.
  • I'm sure he isn't so beside himself with grief that's he's lost the ability to be decent. But then again, if he wasn't decent in the first place, that's never going to happen is it....
Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 16:22

He has communicated with OP. This isn’t a disappearing act at all so I fail to understand why you persist in framing it that way. It’s unfair to the man, who really hasn’t behaved badly, and it’s also very unfair to the OP because it’s not actually helpful to continue giving her advice that’s based on something that isn’t true!

CandyLeBonBon · 01/08/2021 16:30

@Ninkanink

He has communicated with OP. This isn’t a disappearing act at all so I fail to understand why you persist in framing it that way. It’s unfair to the man, who really hasn’t behaved badly, and it’s also very unfair to the OP because it’s not actually helpful to continue giving her advice that’s based on something that isn’t true!
This
WatieKatie · 01/08/2021 16:36

There is no confusion here OP, for whatever reason he has checked out. Don’t over think his actions, delete the messages and move on.

Whilst I appreciate that you liked him, he has shown his true colours and you deserve better.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 16:46

It’s like reading some kind of topsy-turvy alternative reality thread!

At this stage I can only conclude that people must be sadly a little bit mixed up/still not reading the actual thread and actual words written by OP about the actual situation /projecting and commenting on other situations (their own or those of others, but definitely not this one!)/misguidedly trying to offer advice that sounds really good, whether it’s relevant and actually helpful or not/deliberately goading OP/or trolling.

Utterly batshit.

I’ll leave this thread to you now, OP! I hope it all turns out okay in the end for you, whether he’s properly into you or not. Good luck and maybe leave it in his court for a while and take yourself away for some self care. There are always plenty more fish in the sea, that’s definitely not up for debate!

Bbub · 01/08/2021 17:30

Sorry but this thread is batshit crazy 😂😂😂

EspressoDoubleShot · 01/08/2021 17:51

You’re somewhat over invested and overuse actually when telling posters off @Ninkanink

Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PegasusReturns · 01/08/2021 18:10

@daisychain01 what do you think has gone on here? OP has stated that he has been in touch through text, they’ve spoken on the phone at least once. It’s been a week! And someone died.

That’s barely poor communication, let alone ghosting

PegasusReturns · 01/08/2021 18:11

Nah @Ninkanink is spot on. This thread is full of crazy advice 😂

Original poster
Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 18:27

There is a lot of mixed messages/advice on this thread to be fair but it as also helped put things in perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 18:29

Sending him the limp dick message as a previous poster suggested might be a bit harsh.

OP posts: