He has just used me hasn't he? Do I give up now with some dignity left?

[Nightqueen]

I met a guy through mutual friends, we hit it off from the start. He took me out, he was always avaliable, made plans to see me, never once cancelled. We sleep together for the first time and he is now suddenly unavailable. Two times I have suggested we meet and he declined one and cancelled the other. I've been used haven't I? Do I just stop all contact with him now? I've tried to give him the benefit of doubt but he has never done this before we slept together.

@Ninkanink we had arranged it before she died and I just felt he used that to cancel as I felt he became less interested after we slept together.

There's 2 reasons why he hasn't wanted to meet up, he's not interested or he is actually grieving and is busy. Many people are close to their grandparents.

I wouldn't focus on it being the sex, it may not be the reason. What kind of mixed messages did you get? Do you get the impression that he's not interested or that he's just busy with what is going on.

@Lipz

There's 2 reasons why he hasn't wanted to meet up, he's not interested or he is actually grieving and is busy. Many people are close to their grandparents.

I wouldn't focus on it being the sex, it may not be the reason. What kind of mixed messages did you get? Do you get the impression that he's not interested or that he's just busy with what is going on.

It’s YOU that’s giving the sex too much power. That’s what you felt, which is your issue, but it’s much more likely that he’s grieving.

You sound quite young, and as if you’ve never experienced loss. It can hit you like a ten tonne truck. Even if, as you said, the person was very old. That really makes no difference to those who’ve lost their mother/grandmother.

Not sure why that quote is there. I blame the iPad!

I think there is a lot of projecting going on here. PPs insinuating he’s a liar because he said his Nan died when there is nothing to suggest he is a bad person. This could be just unfortunate circumstances. He’s still in contact, not ghosting you so it could be he just isn’t in the headspace to meet, or he’s keeping you on the back burner for whatever reason. Has he given you any other reasons to think he’s a bit of a dick?

I know his nan did die 2 days before he cancelled because I know a couple of his family members but I'm also aware he could have still seen me if he wanted to.
I think this is a bit harsh though, his Nan had just died, I don’t think it’s unusual he didn’t want to see you, he’s just lost a family member and you’re hardly a long term emotional support. I think expecting him to see you under these circumstances is quite entitled and needy, and dismissive of his feelings tbh.

He seems to be still in contact from your updates, just not wanting to meet up which I do also think is reasonable, especially if he was particularly close to his Nan, he will be hurting. But you’re entitled to choose your boundaries and if you don’t think he is being honest or is deliberately doing this to hurt you then he’s not the person for you and you should back off.

@Ninkanink

If his nan died then that’s a pretty good reason to cancel.

He’s probably just not in the right headspace for going out or having fun right now. I’m a little shocked that you’re not willing to give him some time to get over that, tbh.

It could be the first time he’s experienced a bereavement, or if he’s been through it before he could be processing it and the grief from when that happened as well as his nan’s death.

He’s not actually ghosted you.

I mean he may still have been using you, but I don’t that’s the natural conclusion just yet!

I agree with this, my first thought would be one of compassion rather than rejection

@Lipz mixed measage such as declining seeing me (before his nan died) but then giving me compliments whilst talking on the phone but then rushing to get off the phone the next day (before his nan died). Messaging me about his day (he never did this before) but not suggesting when to see each other again.

[quote Nightqueen]@piderseatpants thank you . I think it's hard to process because he totally blind sided me.[/quote]
I do think blindsided is a bit dramatic. He declined one meet up because you said yourself it was too short notice (you can't expect him to be available and ready 24/7?) and then cancelled a second time because his grandma has died. Really, I think you're overreacting and need to just take a step back for a bit.

Ok so timeline is:

1 month to 1 week ago - Very positive all good

1 week ago - Sex

6 days ago? - Suggest meeting at short notice he declines

5 days ago? - arrange another meeting

4 days ago - Nan dies he cancels meeting.

Haven’t seen him for seven days Continues to text you affectionately.

Have I understood correctly?

I f so in the nicest possible way you are being nuts!

Rushing to get off the phone could very likely have been because it looked like the end was near...the last few days of an elderly person’s life are often full of ‘this might be it’ moments.

You’re sounding more self-involved and entitled with every comment to be honest, with no self-awareness at all. You’ve not even bothered to examine yourself and your actions one little bit on this thread in response to the notion that you’re being needy and overly pushy and actually extremely unfair on him given he’s just been bereaved.

I think you should walk away. Walk away and do some work on yourself before you try to be in a relationship.

I'd give him more time personally. His Nan has just died!! I wouldn't hold out that it will work but I also wouldn't be reading too much into him not seeming too keen to meet up at the moment.

I actually don't think it's that wrong to stop seeing someone if the sex isn't ok for them. Maybe he genuinely realised he didn't enjoy having sex with you. That's got NOTHING to do with you it could just be that you are incomparable.
Sometimes people just don't match when it comes to sex. If the OP was male I suspect the answers on this thread would all be in favour of the person who's Nan had just died.

Rushing to get off the phone could very likely have been because it looked like the end was near

Or there was someone at the door
Or he needed a week
Or his toast was burning
Or he was late for an appointment

Being rushed off the phone once is not unreasonable behaviour

@PersonaNonGarter

His nan died. Stop overthinking it and back off quietly. Bluntly, you seem too keen.

Too KEEN, OMG what a nightmare. Keen-ness

@Nightqueen

This has never happened to me before and I feel embarrassed that I kept trying with him. To be fair it's only been one week today but tonight I have been reading back the messages I sent him and wish I didn't send them (just overly nice messages) but he didn't deserve them and was probably viewing me as weak or desperate

So his nan died just over a week ago, and you don't think that might be the reason he's not his usual self, or able to meet up. He's grieving and probably helping other family members with the funeral etc, you probably aren't his top priority right now

[quote Nightqueen]@Lipz mixed measage such as declining seeing me (before his nan died) but then giving me compliments whilst talking on the phone but then rushing to get off the phone the next day (before his nan died). Messaging me about his day (he never did this before) but not suggesting when to see each other again.[/quote]
Hmm hard to determine. You know if it were me and I know it's not the popular opinion on here, and it's only because it's not clear cut that he is not interested. I'd send one more message and I'd say that you are sorry for the loss of his nan, if there's anything you can do, that you enjoy his company and if he would prefer to leave things between you that you understand. I know everyone will say block him, but this way you're not begging for scraps, you're leaving the ball in his court.

Draw the line, let him go, he's unreliable and not making you feel good.
Keep really busy, delete his details and messages and in a few days you will feel a lot better. Zero contact, and don't waste your time with him in the future.

Why are you blaming yourself for the bad sex, he was there too. He’s half as responsible for the sex as you are. I’d take a step back and see what happens.

If the OP was male I suspect the answers on this thread would all be in favour of the person who's Nan had just died.

I usually detest the switching-sexes thing because it very often isn’t comparable, but yes, absolutely - if this was from the man’s perspective and the woman’s grandmother had just died, he’d be handed his arse on a plate for sure! YABextremelyU.

Also, @Nightqueen I’m interested in how exactly you think you’ve ‘given him the benefit of the doubt’ in these circumstances?

@PegasusReturns

Rushing to get off the phone could very likely have been because it looked like the end was near

Or there was someone at the door
Or he needed a week
Or his toast was burning
Or he was late for an appointment

Being rushed off the phone once is not unreasonable behaviour

True!

He cancelled because his nan died. Presumably it wasn't a surprise that she was close to the end of her life? Yet you've decided he's playing games and ghosting you?

You sound a bit self absorbed to me op. Just give him some space. Even though she was very old, and presumably her death wasn't unexpected, he will be grieving. I'm struggling to understand why you can't see that?

He got what he wanted and now he’s moving on to the next one.
For some people they enjoy the chase.

@DinosaurDiana

He got what he wanted and now he’s moving on to the next one. For some people they enjoy the chase.

So nothing to do with his Nan dying then?

@Nightqueen

I really liked him I do believe it was the sex. It was very boring and now I'm hoping to see him to prove it can be better. Make up for the first time if you will. He doesn't seem interested it that - just wants to write it off after one time

I'm really quite interested in what exactly makes the sex boring? 🤔

Ugh I really hate when people tell a woman it was that the sex was rubbish and that’s why she hasn’t heard from him?! I mean seriously what a shit thing to say and make someone feel bad, that’s just excusing bad behaviour of men who sleep with people then disappear as a way to blame the woman when in reality it’s far more likely he was only after sex and has now lost interest and it’s nothing personal to the op! Nothing to do with the sex being rubbish and him not enjoying it

True enough, but don't we always (correctly) tell women they don't owe anyone a relationship and can stop seeing someone for absolutely any reason they choose?

Unless he was future faking it's hardly this guy's fault if OP got over invested too soon; better, surely, to write him off and move on

What does "making the sex better next time" even mean.

Sod that, it isn't a porno competition or something. Where's your pride OP!

Sex is highly unlike to influence ghosting someone unless they're shallow, or a timewaster or a commitmentphobe .

And the chances of this being anything about the granny dying is somewhere between zilch and naff all. If that was the reason and he was serious about keeping the relationship going, he would have had the decency to pick up the phone, tell you the facts and say he needs some time to deal with his family loss.