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Original poster

He has just used me hasn't he? Do I give up now with some dignity left?

162 replies

Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 00:32

I met a guy through mutual friends, we hit it off from the start. He took me out, he was always avaliable, made plans to see me, never once cancelled. We sleep together for the first time and he is now suddenly unavailable. Two times I have suggested we meet and he declined one and cancelled the other. I've been used haven't I? Do I just stop all contact with him now? I've tried to give him the benefit of doubt but he has never done this before we slept together.

OP posts:
Abhannmor · 01/08/2021 12:22

Very poor conduct from this guy. Sex is often less than stellar the first time. Takes 2 to tango. You have nothing to prove. Perhaps he will be contrite and apologetic after the funeral etc. But otherwise...I'd leave it there. Sorry for your bad experience Flowers

EspressoDoubleShot · 01/08/2021 12:23

Actually have read thread. I don’t need the face Hmm or hyperbole @Ninkanink
Op is being too angsty and if it’s this much drama now why persist with more drama
His gran has died that’ll change his priorities which potentially inc seeing op. He’s probably not interested but he could tell her

J0rd0 · 01/08/2021 12:25

@Abhannmor

Very poor conduct from this guy. Sex is often less than stellar the first time. Takes 2 to tango. You have nothing to prove. Perhaps he will be contrite and apologetic after the funeral etc. But otherwise...I'd leave it there. Sorry for your bad experience Flowers
I think it’s fuck all to do with sex and everything to do with the recent death. As I understand it he’s still in contact. For all we know he may have to arrange everything on behalf of his parents - we just don’t know the family dynamic. Blaming Bad sex is a bit narrow minded frankly. OP should move away from that and try to put herself in his shoes re the death in the family
Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 12:29

@EspressoDoubleShot

Actually have read thread. I don’t need the face Hmm or hyperbole *@Ninkanink* Op is being too angsty and if it’s this much drama now why persist with more drama His gran has died that’ll change his priorities which potentially inc seeing op. He’s probably not interested but he could tell her
I don’t think you know what hyperbole means.

However I do kind of agree with your comment as you’ve framed it here.

OP isn’t ready for a relationship if she can’t make allowances for a death in the family. Focusing on the sex and making it all about being used indicates a degree of insecurity that needs working on to make a healthy relationship possible.

BlueBellsArePretty · 01/08/2021 12:39

OP has he acknowledged your condolence message? Did he tell you himself that his Nan had died?

EspressoDoubleShot · 01/08/2021 12:42

Nina, you were mildly rebuked for hyperbole, you didnt need to C&P my post

Original poster
Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 12:43

@BlueBellsArePretty yes he acknowledged my condolence messages and has sent me a few messages about how he's feeling etc and yes he told me about it when I called him.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 01/08/2021 12:44

Great to see a poster being "supported" by people telling her she is too needy and self absorbed because someone she has been seeing has ghosted her Hmm

Regardless of the fact that his grandmother died, he could have had the balls to tell her he didn't want to see her any more.

OldTurtleNewShell · 01/08/2021 12:45

In all honesty, I think you should end this or he should.
If a man took offence at me cancelling a date when my grandmother had just died, I would gladly walk away and not look back.
I'd also see it as a massive red flag if a man chose to spend the time immediately following a bereavement with a new girlfriend rather than comforting his mum or dad whose own parent had just died and helping out with the arrangements.
Poor guy.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 12:46

@Nightqueen I appreciate that my comments might come across harsh but I promise I’m not being horrible.

If he’s a genuinely good man then he’s really got one of the very few circumstances here where taking a step back for a bit is absolutely fine and shouldn’t cause any issues. The evidence stacks in favour of him not having used you - He’s not ghosted you, he’s still in touch with you. He’s cancelled once with very good reason. Just because he can’t or won’t see you in the week or two or three after a death in the family doesn’t mean he isn’t interested.

However you have to do what you feel is best.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 12:47

@RampantIvy

Great to see a poster being "supported" by people telling her she is too needy and self absorbed because someone she has been seeing has ghosted her Hmm

Regardless of the fact that his grandmother died, he could have had the balls to tell her he didn't want to see her any more.

He hasn’t ghosted her.
Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 12:47

@EspressoDoubleShot

Nina, you were mildly rebuked for hyperbole, you didnt need to C&P my post
😂
Sakurami · 01/08/2021 12:48

Because his nan died, you can't know if he's using that as an excuse or if he has lost interest.

You be you. Not sure of the messages you've already sent but maybe send him one saying something like.

'This must be a very difficult time for you and your family. You know where I am if you need me.'

That way you are respecting that he is busy/grieving but also offering some support without any pressure.

But also get on with your life and don't worry about the sex.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 12:52

@Sakurami

Because his nan died, you can't know if he's using that as an excuse or if he has lost interest.

You be you. Not sure of the messages you've already sent but maybe send him one saying something like.

'This must be a very difficult time for you and your family. You know where I am if you need me.'

That way you are respecting that he is busy/grieving but also offering some support without any pressure.

But also get on with your life and don't worry about the sex.

That’d be what I’d do too.

Flowers for you @Nightqueen, I do understand that it’s horrible when you feel used.

He may have used you, but as I’ve said before, i really think it’s more likely that he’s processing grief and being there for his parents/helping family with funeral preparations. He’s not going to be in the right headspace to go on dates just now, I don’t think.

Take care of yourself. I think the suggestion to leave it in his court for now is a good one, because it means you can get some space from things too. But I personally wouldn’t block him or anything final like that.

I hope it works out well for you!

MrsTophamHat · 01/08/2021 12:55

[quote Ninkanink]@MrsTophamHat he has been in contact and is still messaging OP and saying affectionate things, talking about his day etc. He’s been decent and hasn’t left OP hanging at all in terms of contact.

He just hasn’t made plans to see her. In the week after his grandmother died.

OP is angry/hurt/upset because of that. Which is fine. But he’s done absolutely nothing wrong.[/quote]
My post didn't refute any of that did it? Confused

AngryWhompingWillow · 01/08/2021 12:55

Oh how incredibly annoying for you, and how RUDE of him Hmm

Some men do this sadly.

Don't bother with him again @Nightqueen I am so sorry you've been used this way. Sad

MadeForThis · 01/08/2021 12:56

Back off.

His nan died. He is probably spending time with his family.

How would you feel if your nan died? Would you be comforting your parent? Siblings?
Would you send a couple of nice messages to the guy you met a month ago?

He has more important priorities than you at the minute.

In the nicest way possible- stop making this about you.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 12:57

No, sorry, I was actually trying to agree with you 🙂 but it looked like you hadn’t seen that he has been in contact, so I clarified that and then added further comments.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 12:58

Above to @MrsTophamHat.

Wishing you well, OP! I’m off to scrub the bathroom now. Ugh I hate that job.

Blueskytoday06 · 01/08/2021 12:59

Sex gets better with time, most people know this.
If he just wanted the thrill of the chase and a roll in the hay...you are well out of it. How long between meeting and sleeping him was there ? Usually if you hold out longer their intentions become known.

Blueskytoday06 · 01/08/2021 13:00

Didnt RTFT but opinion still stands.

ILoveYou3000 · 01/08/2021 13:00

@daisychain01

But according to the OP a lot happened in that week.

A death is no excuse for not acting decently. What does it cost, nothing!

Exactly how has he behaved badly?

He's been texting, nicely and with affection according to OP.

He declined to see her at short notice. Potentially already had plans or knew his gran was near the end. Arranged another date that was convenient for both.

His nan died. Therefore he cancelled their date. It's a new relationship, still in the dating stages, he's likely not ready to lean on the OP for emotional support.

He's continued to text her, he just hasn't seen her.

MrsTophamHat · 01/08/2021 13:01

@Ninkanink

Above to *@MrsTophamHat*.

Wishing you well, OP! I’m off to scrub the bathroom now. Ugh I hate that job.

Smile Happy bleaching
BlancheB · 01/08/2021 13:12

@Nightqueen

I really liked him Sad I do believe it was the sex. It was very boring and now I'm hoping to see him to prove it can be better. Make up for the first time if you will. He doesn't seem interested it that - just wants to write it off after one time Sad
Oh please for the love of god don't do this. It's nothing you've done and you don't have to "perform good sex" for him in order to have him want to meet up with you again.
ILoveYou3000 · 01/08/2021 13:15

@RampantIvy

Great to see a poster being "supported" by people telling her she is too needy and self absorbed because someone she has been seeing has ghosted her Hmm

Regardless of the fact that his grandmother died, he could have had the balls to tell her he didn't want to see her any more.

Eh? Have you bothered to even read OP's posts? He's been texting her and maintaining contact, even had a phone call by sound of things. How exactly is that ghosting?