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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has just used me hasn't he? Do I give up now with some dignity left?

162 replies

Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 00:32

I met a guy through mutual friends, we hit it off from the start. He took me out, he was always avaliable, made plans to see me, never once cancelled. We sleep together for the first time and he is now suddenly unavailable. Two times I have suggested we meet and he declined one and cancelled the other. I've been used haven't I? Do I just stop all contact with him now? I've tried to give him the benefit of doubt but he has never done this before we slept together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 10:17

@QueenBee52 oh no sorry his nan died after we slept together and he made this as an excuse to not meet up the last time as we had planned.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 01/08/2021 10:21

Well, now is the time to shut down on him, stop responding. Sit with yourself and your sadness and accept it’s not going to happen and focus on retaining your dignity.

Sorry OP it is tough but it won’t feel bad for long.

AnyFucker · 01/08/2021 10:25

Just leave it now. Trying to force it by “making the sex better next time” is where madness lies.

Original poster
Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 10:26

@Cocopogo apologies, I meant a week since I last seen him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 10:27

@AtrociousCircumstance thank you.

OP posts:
me4real · 01/08/2021 10:29

If it is that he's judged you on first time sex, then I think he wasn't that into you in the first place. If he was really keen on you, he'd work on improving the sex.

But I don't suggest asking him why he's not wanting to meet up etc, that'd be a bit desperate-seeming.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 01/08/2021 10:31

@Nightqueen

I really liked him Sad I do believe it was the sex. It was very boring and now I'm hoping to see him to prove it can be better. Make up for the first time if you will. He doesn't seem interested it that - just wants to write it off after one time Sad
OP I find this post seriously disturbing. I am worried that you are so keen to do yourself down and try and get another opportunity to service this plonker's sex drive. You are not auditioning for him.

I know it's hard, but please for your own good try and take a step back. Ask yourself what a good, decent mutually respectful relationship would look like and then try and aim for one of those. They are the only ones worth having, and this guy doesn't sound like it's him.

I wish you well. 💐

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 01/08/2021 10:34

I think differently than every other poster on here.
You’ve not seen him for a week - in that time his Nan died and you’ve tried to meet up with him twice. He’s sent you affectionate messages but not let up with you.
Depending on how close the family are he might be busy helping out, consoling his parent / other family members. Might be upset himself.
You say he has used his Nan dying as an excuse not to meet up but it’s not it’s a reason.
The timing is unfortunate but to be honest you sound hard work at the moment. Just give him some space.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 10:34

If his nan died then that’s a pretty good reason to cancel.

He’s probably just not in the right headspace for going out or having fun right now. I’m a little shocked that you’re not willing to give him some time to get over that, tbh.

It could be the first time he’s experienced a bereavement, or if he’s been through it before he could be processing it and the grief from when that happened as well as his nan’s death.

He’s not actually ghosted you.

I mean he may still have been using you, but I don’t that’s the natural conclusion just yet!

Inthesameboatatmo · 01/08/2021 10:36

Walk away with dignity, I've had it done to me and its awful and leaves you feel like shit.
Block him so he has no way of worming his way back and be kind to yourself.

Bluntness100 · 01/08/2021 10:43

Oh ok I didn’t quite realise the timing, so you slept with him, his grandmother died ans instead of giving him space you asked to meet him twice in that week?

That seems a bit much to me to be honest. A bit needy. I think this maybe the issue to be honest.

Marineboy67 · 01/08/2021 10:44

@Bluntness100

Oh ok I didn’t quite realise the timing, so you slept with him, his grandmother died ans instead of giving him space you asked to meet him twice in that week?

That seems a bit much to me to be honest. A bit needy. I think this maybe the issue to be honest.

This
Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 10:45

Needy and extremely self-centred.

billy1966 · 01/08/2021 10:47

Back away OP.

Leave it completely.
Flowers

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 10:48

He might have been struggling with knowing his nan was poorly and then processing that she died. Which brings a huge amount of shock and grief. Plus he might be trying to help his parents, one of whose parents has DIED.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 10:49

parent*

Spiderseatpants · 01/08/2021 10:50

Sounds like you had a close shave with a knob... Don't beat yourself up about sending 'overly nice' messages - that is a credit to your warmth and all shame for not having deserved them lies with him, and as for the sex... well, it's about connection, not about performance, so about both of you not something to blame yourself for...

Original poster
Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 10:51

@Bluntness100 no sorry, I will try to make myself a bit more clear. I asked if he wanted to meet up before his nan did, he declined that invite albeit it was a last minute invite. We arranged an alternative date, his nan then died therefore he cancelled.

OP posts:
Cocopogo · 01/08/2021 10:53

Sorry OP I thought you meant literally a week! Either way block and delete so you don’t get tempted to msg again!

Original poster
Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 10:54

@piderseatpants thank you Smile. I think it's hard to process because he totally blind sided me.

OP posts:
Rabblemum · 01/08/2021 10:56

So who is this "nan", I get the feeling both his nan's died a while back our they're fine.

Leave it, he wanted a shag, he's probably lied about his nan and ghosted you, he's a sleeze. If he does creep back he wants a sympathy shag.

You keep your dignity if you say nothing and don't fall for his lies.

Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 10:58

OP said: I know his nan did die 2 days before he cancelled because I know a couple of his family members but I'm also aware he could have still seen me if he wanted to.

It really helps to actually read a thread or at least what op has said. This thread isn’t even long yet.

Original poster
Nightqueen · 01/08/2021 11:00

@Rabblemum I know she died so he is definitely being honest about that albeit she was very very old.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 01/08/2021 11:00

@Nightqueen I think you’re being ridiculous tbh.

If there was a mansnet somewhere he’d be there saying, what is wrong with this woman I’ve been seeing for a little while who seems to think I should drop everything and make a big effort to see her RIGHT NOW, when my grandmother’s just died.

isitsummertimeyet · 01/08/2021 11:02

just ask him when shall we next get a drink and a bonk.. leave it in his court, if he doesnt reply or give a proper reply, theres your answer.

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