He has just used me hasn't he? Do I give up now with some dignity left?

[Nightqueen]

I met a guy through mutual friends, we hit it off from the start. He took me out, he was always avaliable, made plans to see me, never once cancelled. We sleep together for the first time and he is now suddenly unavailable. Two times I have suggested we meet and he declined one and cancelled the other. I've been used haven't I? Do I just stop all contact with him now? I've tried to give him the benefit of doubt but he has never done this before we slept together.

The fact is that Nan or no Nan, if he wanted to see you then he'd do what he could to make that happen. It does seem to be too much of a coincidence that he slept with you and then was suddenly unavailable. I just wouldn't contact him again, but then when he does try for a booty call one day, I wouldn't answer the message.

I’d text him.

“Hey, I think we really hit it off in the beginning but ever since sleeping together I’ve felt a little put off. The sex was a little boring and I don’t think we’re compatible. I hope you understand and find someone who’s happy with your limp dick attitude “

Blame him for shit sex and cut him off. He’s blatantly used you so turn it around on him.

He did tell her that. She called it an ‘excuse’ to cancel on her.

@PegasusReturns

Ok so timeline is:

1 month to 1 week ago - Very positive all good

1 week ago - Sex

6 days ago? - Suggest meeting at short notice he declines

5 days ago? - arrange another meeting

4 days ago - Nan dies he cancels meeting.

Haven’t seen him for seven days Continues to text you affectionately.

Have I understood correctly?

I f so in the nicest possible way you are being nuts!

Is this timeline correct, @Nightqueen?

True enough, but don't we always (correctly) tell women they don't owe anyone a relationship and can stop seeing someone for absolutely any reason they choose?

Yes, but the way to do that is to have the decency be honest and level-set with the person especially if they've spent the night together, that they've had second thoughts and have decided it's not for them. Not just dump and run and make up lame excuses. That's as cowardly as it gets.

This thread is batshit

It’s been a week.

And someone died.

JFC!

@Nightqueen

I really liked him I do believe it was the sex. It was very boring and now I'm hoping to see him to prove it can be better. Make up for the first time if you will. He doesn't seem interested it that - just wants to write it off after one time

And what if he's just as boring and isn't any better next time?

But according to the OP a lot happened in that week.

A death is no excuse for not acting decently. What does it cost, nothing!

Nightqueen

I feel so sad sad I can feel he is no longer interested in me but he won't tell me.

He is telling you, his behaviour is telling you. He’s not interested in meeting up with you or starting/continuing a relationship with you. He’s had sex, the challenge is gone now he’s looking for the next one. Do yourself a massive favour, block him and forget him.

@daisychain01

But according to the OP a lot happened in that week.

A death is no excuse for not acting decently. What does it cost, nothing!

Please explain where you think he hasn’t acted in a decent way.

Premium

9+

TalkRelationships

FirstPrevNextLast4

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see ourdomestic violence webguideand/orrelationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He has just used me hasn't he? Do I give up now with some dignity left?84

OP’s posts:See all

Show OP

Today 11:44daisychain01

What does "making the sex better next time" even mean.

Sod that, it isn't a porno competition or something. Where's your pride OP!

Sex is highly unlike to influence ghosting someone unless they're shallow, or a timewaster or a commitmentphobe .

And the chances of this being anything about the granny dying is somewhere between zilch and naff all. If that was the reason and he was serious about keeping the relationship going, he would have had the decency to pick up the phone, tell you the facts and say he needs some time to deal with his family loss.

Bookmark

ADVERTISEMENT

Today 11:45HollowTalk

The fact is that Nan or no Nan, if he wanted to see you then he'd do what he could to make that happen. It does seem to be too much of a coincidence that he slept with you and then was suddenly unavailable. I just wouldn't contact him again, but then when he does try for a booty call one day, I wouldn't answer the message.

Bookmark

Today 11:45MyMabel

I’d text him.

“Hey, I think we really hit it off in the beginning but ever since sleeping together I’ve felt a little put off. The sex was a little boring and I don’t think we’re compatible. I hope you understandand find someone who’s happy with your limp dick attitudeBlame him for shit sex and cut him off. He’s blatantly used you so turn it around on him.

Bookmark

Today 11:45Ninkanink

He did tell her that. She called it an ‘excuse’ to cancel on her.

Bookmark

Today 11:47Ninkanink

PegasusReturns

Ok so timeline is:

1 month to 1 week ago - Very positive all good

1 week ago - Sex

6 days ago? - Suggest meeting at short notice he declines

5 days ago? - arrange another meeting

4 days ago - Nan dies he cancels meeting.

Haven’t seen him forseven daysContinues to text you affectionately.

Have I understood correctly?

I f so in the nicest possible way you are being nuts!

Is this timeline correct,@Nightqueen?

Thank you for this, it has really helped put it into perspective. Yes it is more or less correct except I have had some short off vibes/messages after sleeping with him (before his nan died) but also some nice complimentary ones.

Have you actually sent your condolences ? ( Too late now if you haven't ) and asked if there was anything you could do to help him ?

Well, if you know it to be true that his nan has died then your gut feeling may well be right that he's withdrawn but that might not be due to simply losing interest after sex.

If it's an important bereavement to him then there's been a shift in priorities for him over the last week. Unfortunately as you seeing each other was so new, it's likely that his priorities may not shift back to you.

I would assume it's over and move on, as per your gut feeling, but not think of it as being used. He's making some effort to chat and things so it might be that he comes back wanting to see you again, but I wouldn't wait around for that.

As for the messages already sent, you've only said nice things so don't worry about those.

You've not been pushy, as I understand it, you didn't know about his Nan dying when you asked him out. Its a hard situ to be in when you like someone new and something big happens to them like this, but you're not part of their inner circle yet so don't quite know where it leaves you and the relationship. The only thing to do really is to leave it in their court but protect yourself emotionally.

@daisychain01

True enough, but don't we always (correctly) tell women they don't owe anyone a relationship and can stop seeing someone for absolutely any reason they choose?

Yes, but the way to do that is to have the decency be honest and level-set with the person especially if they've spent the night together, that they've had second thoughts and have decided it's not for them. Not just dump and run and make up lame excuses. That's as cowardly as it gets.

I agree in principle, but can't help thinking of the outcry if someone on here dared to criticise a woman who'd done the same thing; the cries of "how dare you" would be loud and long, with the usual double standard fully in evidence

As said, IMO OP would do much better to just put the whole thing behind her and move on

@MyMabel

I’d text him.

“Hey, I think we really hit it off in the beginning but ever since sleeping together I’ve felt a little put off. The sex was a little boring and I don’t think we’re compatible. I hope you understand and find someone who’s happy with your limp dick attitude “

Blame him for shit sex and cut him off. He’s blatantly used you so turn it around on him.

Bloody hell, what a thing to suggest,

The bloke declined a short notice invite and accepted another one, he then had to cancel it because his grandmother died, it’s been six days. Talk about lack of compassion.

Op do you have a history of being needy/self centred, the way you write “but his grandmother was very old” is really very cold.

Apologies someone suggested his grandparents have already died, I took that as them assuming he was too old to have grandparents. This is why I stated she was very old.

Yes I have sent my condolences and some very nice messages.

I think you are overthinking things and I don't actually see what he has done wrong under the circumstances. Have they even had the funeral yet?!

I would leave the ball in his court; let him initiate contact and set the tone. It'll become clear whether he has lost interest or whether he is grieving and just needs some time.

If a family member of mine was more interested in pursuing some woman he had just met than his own grandmother's death; their own parent losing a parent, then I wouldn't think too highly of them to be honest.

@MrsTophamHat he has been in contact and is still messaging OP and saying affectionate things, talking about his day etc. He’s been decent and hasn’t left OP hanging at all in terms of contact.

He just hasn’t made plans to see her. In the week after his grandmother died.

OP is angry/hurt/upset because of that. Which is fine. But he’s done absolutely nothing wrong.

Stop all the handwringing & why’s. Read the signs. He’s not interested
You had a shag,it was fun, he’s unlikely to meet up again so don’t pursue him
Frankly take it as a well dodged bullet, if he’s that much of a headfuck after a shag imagine how difficult he’d be to date. You’re in pieces with a minimum relationship so he’s not exactly great for you

Fgs read the thread before you comment! 🙄🙄

Leave it now - you have I've sent condolences. Treat yourself and be kind to yourself.

I have had this, sadly some men are like this. The first man I ever slept with never called me back. I worked in the same building. It was excruciating. He'd see me and I'd say are we meeting up and he'd say I'll call you or wink at me 🙄 but never did. I was young and inexperienced. In the end I called him at work and said this was fun in the beginning but it isn't anymore and please don't contact me again. In reality I was heartbroken as I thought he was worth me sleeping with.

@Nightqueen

Apologies someone suggested his grandparents have already died, I took that as them assuming he was too old to have grandparents. This is why I stated she was very old.

But even if she was 'very old' she presumably mattered to him and his family? Which is why he hasn't seen you! A death in the family isn't an 'excuse'.

@PegasusReturns

This thread is batshit

It’s been a week.

And someone died.

JFC!

Exactly! As usual a group of people falling over themselves to blame the man without reading the OPs updates.