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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How many here are single, open to meeting someone but not doing OLD?

423 replies

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 31/07/2021 16:52

Just wondered. As a single bloke, it often seems that if you're not doing OLD you're missing out on meeting the right person, as that'll be where any single person looking for a relationship will be. But maybe that's not the case?

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 01/08/2021 11:08

I am. I'm sure OLD works for lots of people but I just can't cope with the 'cattle market' feel to it. I've been single for four years.

To be fair, I'm a single mum and most men aren't interested because I have to be home overnight so I'm not missing much. Except lots of conflict and guilt and trying to be in two places at once.

Gingerninja4 · 01/08/2021 11:11

Tried OLD wither get the weird ones who think I'm either desperate or they seems have thing /fetish about fact am full time wheelchair user

Or people can't see beyond the wheelchair and think I'm looking for a carer .Which am not am happy and mange life completely fine as single parent with no extra help .To be honest I rather not live with man full time

I like to travel and do own thing so if meet someone that way then fine but also happy to be single

Watchingyouwazowski · 01/08/2021 11:12

😂 Did it feel like 97 years?!

PearlFriday · 01/08/2021 11:13

@OnlyMsLonely yeh, if I ever did it again in my 50s I'd just meet for a coffee. In my forties, dinner was easier in some ways because my children were younger and if I got a babysitter and went out for the evening I could just say I was going out with a friend. If I disappeared for an hour on a Saturday afternoon, that would have been harder to explain!

In my forties i also met a lot of men pushing 50 who hadn't had children and were still hoping to. I got burnt by one, spent a lot of time with him, got close to him, but in the end, he was still hoping to meet a woman of 37 or 38 so he could have a child! I am an ordinary person and so was he so I don't know if that was realistic for him. Maybe it was, but he would have had to compromise on other compatibilities. He is on my facebook still and he didn't achieve his goal of impregnating a 38 year old and now he is 56.

A lot of men put off having children and then panic when 50 approaches and they're not the 'type' who is especially appealing to a much younger woman. I know they can do it because many do but it's not easy.

Watchingyouwazowski · 01/08/2021 11:14

Sorry, the above was meant to be a reply to @colouringindoors

Watchingyouwazowski · 01/08/2021 11:15

It’s weird. Men my age seem to think women their own age are too old for them.

ChloeAndRadcliffe · 01/08/2021 11:29

I think there are still dating agencies around, but they're very expensive and I don't think they have a lot of men on their books outside of London. It might be worth a try if you are there, though.

I even tried speed dating once! There were lot if the usual blojes that you get on OLD, plus one very good-looking, intelligent guy who all the women were competing over. He knew it and was loving it 🤨 It really put me off the whole experience, as well as the fact that my only "match" was with a man who turned out to be a druid 😆

Watchingyouwazowski · 01/08/2021 11:36

That’s funny @ChloeAndRadcliffe

Those dating agencies just make me think of Del Boy and Raquel!

Gwenhwyfar · 01/08/2021 12:20

@butterfly990

If you want to meet people naturally the best way is through hobby groups that you can find on the website meetup.
The thing about hobby groups is that unless they're specifically or mainly for single people, they won't necessarily have more single people in them than anything else you go to so if you're over 35 you'll still have a dearth of single people. I also think women are much more join-y than men so I'm not sure it's a good place to meet single men. I think you have to do something that is mainly for singles, like social groups.
Gwenhwyfar · 01/08/2021 12:29

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

Do none of you get approached in work or normal day to day activities, I realise the last 18 months won't have helped, but before that?
I haven't been asked out since 2014 :( I'm not good looking though. I'm sure good looking women do, but maybe not always by single men... You just won't be surrounded by single people at work after a certain age. I also think the American taboo around dating at work is coming over here. I've seen quite a few comments of the sort on MN, including one woman saying you should never go for a drink with any colleagues of either sex!
Gwenhwyfar · 01/08/2021 12:30

@PolkadotSkies

I'm a single woman. I am perfectly happy alone but I'd be open to meeting someone if they were really worth it. No way would I go actively searching for someone or advertising myself like a product, the idea gives me the ick! For me to develop an attraction to anybody things need to happen in a natural way, OLD is just too contrived.
I am also just not able to advertise myself. Mainly because I know I'm a good catch. I'm not perfectly happy alone though :( :(
Roblox01 · 01/08/2021 13:13

Not going for a drink with colleagues seems extreme but I agree that office romances (other than maybe the youngsters under 25) seems quite taboo.

Fireflygal · 01/08/2021 13:51

It’s weird. Men my age seem to think women their own age are too old for them

Love the men on this thread to input? Given they don't want children then compatibility is more likely with someone around your own age.

Roblox01 · 01/08/2021 13:57

@Fireflygal

It’s weird. Men my age seem to think women their own age are too old for them

Love the men on this thread to input? Given they don't want children then compatibility is more likely with someone around your own age.

I'm probably not the right person to comment as I do go for women my age. I've got kids with my ex and didn't have any interest in having more (separated nearly 3 years ago). I turned 40 last October and have found interest from women in early to mid 40s. I assume as their age bracket starts at 40.

My issue (from a dating perspective) is my youngest are 6 and 7 whereas women my age seem to have kids a bit older. I'm assuming ones with younger kids aren't looking. For me it might be 5 years before I can look seriously.

TinyTroubleMaker · 01/08/2021 14:34

I'm about to turn 40, have been completely single for a decade. Been looking after a child alone in that time. I've been approached for sex by one guy (ex of an old acquaintance) in that time, not a relationship - he was just fishing for a stopover when in the area.

Watchingyouwazowski · 01/08/2021 14:34

@Fireflygal

It’s weird. Men my age seem to think women their own age are too old for them

Love the men on this thread to input? Given they don't want children then compatibility is more likely with someone around your own age.

I think maybe younger women who already have children? I work with someone a year or so older than me. He was almost disgusted when he found out my age. He had thought I was much younger (because I’m very immature 😂) He makes remarks about my age and says how fantastic is it to have a girlfriend 10 years younger. Very odd! I’ve probably read too much stuff on here about men lying about their ages to get younger women.
Gemi33 · 01/08/2021 14:54

I am on an OLD dating sight....but really don't want to be! I just can't seem to meet any single men and have been on my own for a long time so feel like I have no choice.

xx

weekend2021 · 01/08/2021 14:58

60 year old here, (a youngish one in appearance and attitude!) divorced 20 years ago. Tried OLD, men my age either look 10 years older or want someone (at least) 10 years younger than themselves. OLD also has the problem of distance usually being involved - I live in a medium sized town so local pickings are slim! Can’t consider long distance relationship due to part time job and caring responsibilities (parent)
Would love a relationship but have given up now 😒

virgospirit · 01/08/2021 15:48

Men don't really want to date in their lane. Men want a platform where they can message a thousand women half their age

This just simply isn’t true. Im 52 this year and the last thing i want is to be going out with some 25yr kid who doesn’t know shit about the world, or herself for that matter. I also wouldn’t want to be messaging thousands or even hundreds of women. im pretty selective which is one of the reasons, along with being being 5’4”, as to why im still single.

From what Ive read here and other mumsnet threads about it, most of the blokes on dating sites must be complete idiots.

Hedgesfullofbirds · 01/08/2021 15:56

So much of this resonates - I am on three ( yes, I admit it!), dating websites and have been for nearly a year now. I wrote my profiles very carefully, to avoid the scripted, generic, formulaic rubbish which so many put and be a truthful representation of who I am, the good and the bad. Thus far I have received very few 'views', let alone 'likes' or messages. And very few people, to whom I have sent messages myself, have the common courtesy, or good manners,to respond, even if it is just "thanks, but no thanks".
Granted, I am not everyone's cup of tea, I am far from being the worlds best looking bloke, I am well aware of that, I am late fifties, never been married or had children and I am in a sparsely populated region - all things which make it more difficult. But I often feel like the invisible man! And it is demoralising!
I have, though, made three good new friends, we quickly established that we would not be compatible, from an emotional or romantic perspective, let alone geographically, but good friends they have become and I intend to meet them all, in real life, one day.
The nearest I have come to a real connection was with someone who I met several times, but it quickly became apparent that, although high functioning and, on the surface, we clicked well, she is alcohol dependent, a deal breaker for me - such a shame! And even that required a 150 mile round trip for me, as she doesn't drive (probably just as well!).

Hey ho! The search continues, there is no rush, it is not a race, but that feeling of wearing an invisibility cloak still lingers!

Goodness! That was cathartic!

Hedgesfullofbirds · 01/08/2021 16:00

I realise that I have not answered the OP's question! OLD is the only option for me, being very rural, working in an environment where I don't meet people and my hobbies are solitary! What choice is there?

colouringindoors · 01/08/2021 16:08

@Watchingyouwazowski

Some days definitely!!!

66babe · 01/08/2021 16:09

@virgospirit ... that's interesting you mention height
It never occurred to me to question a man re his height yet 3 times in the years I was doing OLD I've met up for a coffee with men who had taken great pains to tell me they were 5 ft 9 or more .. to find I was taller than them at my 5/4 !
Height never bothers me but lies do
Especially about something so stupid 🤨😩

Roblox01 · 01/08/2021 16:14

Like has been mentioned on other threads and is borne out by a quick Google search, the main issue with OLD is most women (something like 80%) are interested in the same 10- 20% of men.

So in essence OLD doesn't really work for the majority of men or most women unless I suppose they manage to snag one of those men in the top percentile. The comment upthread about all the women on a speed dating night wanting one guy being a case in point.

For OLD to resemble something better it would take a big change in attitude from both men and women.

Hedgesfullofbirfs- I understand your comments. If you are genuinely honest and completely truthful in your profile itdoesn't work on dating sites, or at least not as a.man. So you're left omitting some of the details which you then drop into conversation and are left to see how it goes.

ChloeAndRadcliffe · 01/08/2021 16:34

@Hedgesfullofbirds the trouble with politely saying "thanks but no thanks" is that some men can turn nasty very quickly if you engage with them in that way. An initial "hey, how are you doing?" suddenly becomes "I was doing you a favour, you stuck-up bitch", and that's from men whose profiles are perfectly ordinary and bland. Either that or they try to explain to you why you're wrong and you should give them a chance. It's frankly not worth it. I don't respond to messages from guys I'm not interested in and I don't expect men who aren't interested in me to respond to me either.

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