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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How many here are single, open to meeting someone but not doing OLD?

423 replies

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 31/07/2021 16:52

Just wondered. As a single bloke, it often seems that if you're not doing OLD you're missing out on meeting the right person, as that'll be where any single person looking for a relationship will be. But maybe that's not the case?

OP posts:
TerraNovaTwo · 02/08/2021 13:40

Me! Since meeting and having to block an oddball online, I'm much more wary than before of who I interact with. I would warn any dating hopeful to stay off OLD apps and be discerning about who they engage with IRL.

I'm looking for a potential partner who enjoys the outdoor life and has similar values to me. Quite difficult, and my DC need a few more years until I can spend time on dating to find a serious long term partner.

I do miss emotional and physical intimacy, but the relationship I have with myself is healthy so I'm not worried about 'missing out' in the meantime. I will only settle on a SO who treats me as well as I treat myself.

FinallyHere · 02/08/2021 13:42

As a hetro woman, I'm afraid that I don't have any advice for others like me.

Brilliant advice for any hetro men, though, is to join a partner dance scene and get to be a decent partner. It takes regular practise and is definitely worth investing in some private lesson so you progress quickly

Much less than the cost of any kind of introduction agency and works in very many cultures in the world.

Men are almost always heavily outnumbered.

Show up interested in getting better rather than just looking for a date. Once you are any kind of decent dancer (can hear the best, don't cause pain) there will always be loads of women fighting to dance with you. Not all will be looking for a partner obvs but you will get able to get to know and take your pick of lovely, lovely people.

Don't let your head get turned and be a dick to people and all will be good.

salsa, tango anything that needs a partner.

AmberIsACertainty · 02/08/2021 15:02

[quote User135644]@ChloeAndRadcliffe

Men take it too much to heart because a lot of women have on their profile variations of "don't bother if under 6 feet", so that's why a lot of men make out they're 6 foot plus to try and qualify themselves.

It's too overstated though because 80%+ of men are under 6 foot.[/quote]
But that's their arrogance right there. If they don't meet the criteria, why apply? Why not respect the other person's choices and decisions? However unfair those choices and decisions may seem. This is the problem with men, so many are disrespectful. I only meet people IRL.

Height isn't an issue for me. Just so long as they appreciate they're likely to be heavier than me even if shorter, and don't hang off my arm expecting me to carry their limb's weight for them when we're holding hands and thus giving me backache. I find that annoying.

"Small man syndrome" on the other hand is a major problem. Any sign of passive aggressive responses or snippiness and I'm gone. Nobody owes anybody a relationship. If you're a good person and let that shine through someone will want you, if you're bitter with an attitude problem because people aren't giving you what you think you're entitled to, then you're going to find it hard.

PearlFriday · 02/08/2021 15:05

Im a good person and nobody wants me!

It's not that simple.

TerraNovaTwo · 02/08/2021 16:18

I was hooked up on a blind date by a mutual friend, with a man who lied about his height on our chat prior to our dinner date. He asked if I had any questions about him and height was one of them. I'm tall, and not usually attracted to men who are shorter than me.

The bloke turned out to be 1 - 2 inches shorter than me! What a disappointment as 1) He lied 2) I was apprehensive about dating at all 3) I actually slept with him as I hadn't dtd in 2 years.

Why should I be shamed for having a preference? It seems most men prefer big breasts, they may not advertise that on dates or their bio, but it's true.

User135644 · 02/08/2021 17:21

But that's their arrogance right there. If they don't meet the criteria, why apply?

I was referring more to people who do meet the criteria that put it.

I've no time for liars.

colouringindoors · 02/08/2021 17:29

Totally agree re the dancing! A man who can dance is hugely appealling regardless of height/weight/looks!

66babe · 02/08/2021 17:42

I had a shopping list whilst OLD

He must not be a knobhead
He must not be a lying toad
He must not be a narcissist
He must not be a Celtic fan
He must have a sense of humour

I would prefer him not to smoke
I would prefer him to be independent
I would prefer him to be laid back and kind
I would prefer him to drive
Most importantly I would prefer him to not be a Celtic fan laugh at my jokes

Some of these things are negotiable if you click together , some are not

bullyingadvice2017 · 02/08/2021 17:51

I meet a lot of people dog walking.... volunteering with national trust etc.
I think old takes some real commitment. And it is brutal.

TheBullfinch · 02/08/2021 18:39

Yes, Me. Single since 2019. Happy but wouldn't mind meeting someone but it'll be a cold day in Hell before I do online dating again. I'm not a glutton for punishment.

I might be tempted by a very selective (pricey) service, with strict entry criteria though.

In my humble opinion, you'd be better off meeting someone in real life at a hobby, work, volunteering, networking conference or festival/event.

TheBullfinch · 02/08/2021 18:52

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

Do none of you get approached in work or normal day to day activities, I realise the last 18 months won't have helped, but before that?
Yes but it's always 'separated' men or men with children (I dont have any), or those of no fixed abode or those 'between employment.' In other words, men with an agenda other than romance.

I'm another introvert who spends far too much time wandering over hillsides and driving to the coast. Actually, I probably need a dog more than a man! A man would be nice though, as long as he's quiet and charming.

SunSeaSurfGin · 02/08/2021 19:00

Me!! I mean I am OLD! But it's so tedious and I never get anywhere. What happened to meeting people in pubs & clubs. Tried the hobbies route but the average age is like 40 years older than me...

SunSeaSurfGin · 02/08/2021 19:22

Do none of you get approached in work or normal day to day activities, I realise the last 18 months won't have helped, but before that?

I work in a place where there's 100 staff. Probably a 50/50 male female split. Of those 50, 20 are too old, not my type, gay. 25 are in a ltr. So that leaves 5 guys all of which don't see me in that way.

Hedgesfullofbirds · 02/08/2021 19:33

Further to my comments upthread, another reason that I feel that I have no option but to try OLD is that in real life situations, and as a result of being slightly shy and reserved, my confidence is lacking! I cannot compete against the assured, urbane, confident, sophisticated, high earning professional men, practised and skilled at social interaction, know exactly what to do and say, and how and when to do and say it - I am left floundering, like a stranded fish!

At least online I am able to present myself on a slightly more equal footing and, if fortunate enough to connect with someone, can articulate my thoughts in writing when I don't have to 'think on the hoof' so much! At least in the early stages, before progressing to phone or video conversations

PearlFriday · 02/08/2021 19:57

Nobody has approached me in 15 years, even though i have worn well! People dont approach 51 year olds. Oh well. Im finally concentrating on my career my house my life my garden my own interests... phew

DreamAboutSleep · 02/08/2021 20:04

Do none of you get approached in work or normal day to day activities, I realise the last 18 months won't have helped, but before that?

I work in a very male dominated environment but it would be frowned upon and weird to get involved with somebody at work!

I am in my mid-30s still but people don't chat people up anymore and strike up conversations really, in normal situations. Or at least, they don't with me! Occasionally leery comments or staring as you walk past but no genuine, nice approaches from anybody.

OnlyMsLonely · 02/08/2021 20:17

@Hedgesfullofbirds

So much of this resonates - I am on three ( yes, I admit it!), dating websites and have been for nearly a year now. I wrote my profiles very carefully, to avoid the scripted, generic, formulaic rubbish which so many put and be a truthful representation of who I am, the good and the bad. Thus far I have received very few 'views', let alone 'likes' or messages. And very few people, to whom I have sent messages myself, have the common courtesy, or good manners,to respond, even if it is just "thanks, but no thanks". Granted, I am not everyone's cup of tea, I am far from being the worlds best looking bloke, I am well aware of that, I am late fifties, never been married or had children and I am in a sparsely populated region - all things which make it more difficult. But I often feel like the invisible man! And it is demoralising! I have, though, made three good new friends, we quickly established that we would not be compatible, from an emotional or romantic perspective, let alone geographically, but good friends they have become and I intend to meet them all, in real life, one day. The nearest I have come to a real connection was with someone who I met several times, but it quickly became apparent that, although high functioning and, on the surface, we clicked well, she is alcohol dependent, a deal breaker for me - such a shame! And even that required a 150 mile round trip for me, as she doesn't drive (probably just as well!).

Hey ho! The search continues, there is no rush, it is not a race, but that feeling of wearing an invisibility cloak still lingers!

Goodness! That was cathartic!

This was sad and uplifting in equal measure. It is disheartening when you make an effort online only to be met with the fly-by-night time wasters. But equally - I wouldn't underestimate the value of making good friends. I too have made one very good friend through OLD. We hang out together regularly (nothing romantic) and I truly didn't realise how much I needed a new friend until I found one. The search for love continues however....
Hedgesfullofbirds · 02/08/2021 21:27

Thank you @OnlyMsLonely - indeed, the value of new and good friends can never be underestimatedSmile

MayEye · 02/08/2021 21:38

I wish I could get to a place where I could say I’m happy to be alone and bin off the OLD but I’m not there yet and online is the only way- even if I was out at a bar now the rules don’t allow mixing or standing at the bar so no chance of any natural interactions, wfh for the foreseeable and no in person conferences meetings etc where one might meet someone new. So on with the quest to weed out a gem from the weird Grin

coodawoodashooda · 02/08/2021 21:40

Me. Im too nervous of old.

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 02/08/2021 22:22

@TheBullfinch:

Yes but it's always 'separated' men or men with children (I dont have any), or those of no fixed abode or those 'between employment.' In other words, men with an agenda other than romance.

Umm... Hello?!

I'm a single dad. I thought I was doing OLD because, y'know, I wanted to meet someone to fall in l've with. Thanks for telling me I got it wrong and actually it's all an agenda on my part! Hmm

Sorry, but being serious, I don't have an "agenda", as you put it. My kids have a mum and we're amicable. I'm not looking for a replacement.

OP posts:
TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 02/08/2021 22:24

someone to fall in love* with

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 02/08/2021 22:37

I think a lot of us are very suspicious because of what weve had to cope with. I am not ready for old but accept that one day it is likely i will have to accept it as an option.

coronaway · 03/08/2021 00:20

The only people OLD serves is a specific type of man. The rest of us (both men and women) would do a lot better without it.

AmberIsACertainty · 03/08/2021 00:23

@PearlFriday

Im a good person and nobody wants me! It's not that simple.
Are you a man though? I was replying that to a man. I agree I don't think it's quite that simple for women.

Like, my criteria for dates is a) do we have chemistry and b) is he a knob. That's it. We can find out the rest as we go along and it either keeps 'going along' forever or one day one of us thinks Nah, I'm done here, and that's that. Or it fizzles out and you drift into being friends or whatever.

I've definitely met some men whose main criteria seems to be a) can I have sex with her and b) do I like the way she looks enough to think I might want to do it more than once. And if my answer is essentially No, not right now I barely know you, then they don't want to have anything further to do with me. They're not interested in what kind of person I am at all.

So I think men and women often have different criteria because they want different things or have different starting points for their basic 'must haves'.