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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How many here are single, open to meeting someone but not doing OLD?

423 replies

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 31/07/2021 16:52

Just wondered. As a single bloke, it often seems that if you're not doing OLD you're missing out on meeting the right person, as that'll be where any single person looking for a relationship will be. But maybe that's not the case?

OP posts:
Roblox01 · 09/08/2021 09:57

I also think, to use an analogy, OLD is a bit like Premier League football. You have to accept it for the circus it is and try not to get too serious about it. Which obviously can be a lot harder said than done when you've been chatting to someone for three weeks and they suddenly change their mind or disappear!

Foambananas · 09/08/2021 09:58

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MayEye · 09/08/2021 09:58

@OldChinaJug my list would be identical to yours. Maybe I should put it in my profile Grin

Foambananas · 09/08/2021 10:01

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Misty9 · 09/08/2021 10:04

I think that's part of the problem with old - the pressure from the start to be more than friends. Then lust and sex hormones cloud the real question of compatibility. If I venture back on the apps then I'll be aiming for friends first then anything else. But that probably won't work due to the very nature of old?

I do think like minded people have given up on old though...

Foambananas · 09/08/2021 10:09

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MayEye · 09/08/2021 10:11

I would love to develop a friendship type connection first too but OLD is like a juggernaut- you match-chat-move to WhatsApp-meet-meet again-dtd-repeat 😁 exhausting

OldTinHat · 09/08/2021 10:15

Single for years here and definitely not OLD. I meet lots of people through a local social Meetup group and have made some wonderful friends. If Mr Right happens along then great but I'm certainly not actively searching.

Bretoony · 09/08/2021 10:27

Unfortunately it's been drummed into men the last few years that approaching women IRL is a sign of toxic masculinity, you only have to look at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4308248-The-random-comment-men to see why a man could be deterred from attempting to start a conversation with a woman "in the wild".

At least with OLD there is expressed consent to approach when you match.

EducatingArti · 09/08/2021 10:42

@Hedgesfullofbirds

So much of this resonates - I am on three ( yes, I admit it!), dating websites and have been for nearly a year now. I wrote my profiles very carefully, to avoid the scripted, generic, formulaic rubbish which so many put and be a truthful representation of who I am, the good and the bad. Thus far I have received very few 'views', let alone 'likes' or messages. And very few people, to whom I have sent messages myself, have the common courtesy, or good manners,to respond, even if it is just "thanks, but no thanks". Granted, I am not everyone's cup of tea, I am far from being the worlds best looking bloke, I am well aware of that, I am late fifties, never been married or had children and I am in a sparsely populated region - all things which make it more difficult. But I often feel like the invisible man! And it is demoralising! I have, though, made three good new friends, we quickly established that we would not be compatible, from an emotional or romantic perspective, let alone geographically, but good friends they have become and I intend to meet them all, in real life, one day. The nearest I have come to a real connection was with someone who I met several times, but it quickly became apparent that, although high functioning and, on the surface, we clicked well, she is alcohol dependent, a deal breaker for me - such a shame! And even that required a 150 mile round trip for me, as she doesn't drive (probably just as well!).

Hey ho! The search continues, there is no rush, it is not a race, but that feeling of wearing an invisibility cloak still lingers!

Goodness! That was cathartic!

I echo the "invisible man" comment although on my case its "invisible woman". I'm pretty content with being single but wouldn't rule out the right relationship! Society gears itself to people in relationships and older women are pretty invisible anyway ( except for Tena adverts!). I don't think I could face OLD though.
JustAnother0ldMan · 09/08/2021 11:18

@Bretoony

Unfortunately it's been drummed into men the last few years that approaching women IRL is a sign of toxic masculinity, you only have to look at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4308248-The-random-comment-men to see why a man could be deterred from attempting to start a conversation with a woman "in the wild".

At least with OLD there is expressed consent to approach when you match.

1000% agree with this, I would almost never try a start a conversation with a women “in the wild “ or in civilisation even , in no way do I want to be seen as “random comment man”, pushing unwanted attention.

This is the obvious key advantage of OLD, you can “virtually” approach people without that concern, even if you are turned down, rebuffed or just plain ignored.

JustAnother0ldMan · 09/08/2021 11:32

@Hedgesfullofbirds @EducatingArti,
echo the statements about being invisible, as an over 50’s man I seem to looked at as an old fart these days, and really suitable dating material

I don’t have the Tena issue yet, but I do notice lots of ED and hairloss adverts being targeted towards me now, maybe that’s some kinda hint 🤷🏼‍♂️

Roblox01 · 09/08/2021 11:45

@Bretoony and @JustAnother0ldMan

Agreed 100%. Like what I mentioned few pages back about not approaching someone at a hobby group etc.

66babe · 09/08/2021 11:58

I have another issue .. as a woman with a bit of a sense of humour .. I've had men tell me that i am obviously just looking for a good time and probably perceived as a bit of an idiot ..then when they don't get that good time .. i'm a player 🤣
God if only my life was that interesting

Foambananas · 09/08/2021 12:24

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Iris878 · 09/08/2021 12:26

I'm 45 and newly single, separated from my husband. I'm not sure I'd dare use the dating sites in case I was spotted by my ex, as I think he'd be quite verbally abusive about it.

I did look up old threads on how to meet people other than online dating. I have had, over the years, opportunities via the gym, DC hobby sport, and even using the train, but now that I am looking I don't feel confident that this would be adequate enough to meet somebody.

Roblox01 · 09/08/2021 12:51

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes withdrawn post

66babe · 09/08/2021 12:58

We should devise our own ! I will manage for a very small fee 🤣 please send all applications to me personally , I will vet and match you all accordingly
What could go wrong ? 😂😂😂

OldChinaJug · 09/08/2021 13:03

One wanting to fully blend within a few years with me brinibg kids her way on (about an hours drive). I'm adamant that whilst kids grow up its best to aim to blend but keep households separate until kids are much older (well into teens). The step parent board seems to bear this out (unless of course the options are limited then I can understand more in that situation).
I totally agree with this! I have founded will.asume I want to blend and am looking for a stepdad for my children even when I've been quite clear that I don't. They don't seem to trust the words and think it's what all women want deep down. I really don't! My children have an actively involved dad. I want someone for me. Not them. Although I do want someone who is respectful of the time I spend with my children and not expect to be in constant contact. Which has also been an issue! I want someone who can get on with my children when their paths cross. That is all.

Another informing I needed to prioritise her on my free weekends and would have to scale back my only really hobby (runnnhg) if need be to accommodate this.

Yeah, again, the last man I dated had a well paying hobby and one which, on occasion, took up the whole weekend. I was fine with that and spent those times catching up with other friends. I think hobbies are really important but I have also found some men expect to be able to maintain theirs but expect me to.compromise on mine because otherwise when would we see each other... er... no.

SpringlikeBunk · 09/08/2021 13:04

@66babe

If a nun posted on online dating and said she wanted to meet an elderly gentleman companion to discuss theology over a cup of tea she’d still get guys “pushing for hookups”.

It’s really not you and your “humour” sending the wrong signals - I’m not sure whether I just didn’t notice it when younger and my boundaries have improved but some guys just use the apps as an excuse to be pushy/angry/manipulative/disgusting?

PearlFriday · 09/08/2021 13:06

That is true. I experimented with different user names about 7 years ago and had one "getyerhandoffmyknee" and i swear that got the most lewd suggestions. Titzout77 or NunSeeksGentforTea - all the same :-/

PearlFriday · 09/08/2021 13:07

To clarify, my account name was never titzout77 😅

Foambananas · 09/08/2021 13:29

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Foambananas · 09/08/2021 13:31

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66babe · 09/08/2021 13:34

Form an orderly queue please !
I suppose it may help if I knew

Gender of self
Gender wanted
Age range
Location
Aspirations
Please no Celtic fans - I cannot help you