How many here are single, open to meeting someone but not doing OLD?

[TossaCoinToYerWitcher]

Just wondered. As a single bloke, it often seems that if you're not doing OLD you're missing out on meeting the right person, as that'll be where any single person looking for a relationship will be. But maybe that's not the case?

Maybe this thread will turn into the Mumsnet alternative matchmaking agency! OLD is exhausting

@ChloeAndRadcliffe

Can I just ask any men on this thread why they swipe right/like/whatever a woman and then don't reply when she messages? This keeps happening to me. I get matches but then getting as far as a simple chat is like getting blood out of a stone. Do you just "like" everyone and then filter your matches for the ones you actually fancy? Whatever the case, it's incredibly annoying and rude! I'm not talking about apps where you can message anyone, btw, these are the ones where there have to be mutual likes. I always message first, is that where I'm going wrong?

Sorry to hear that Chloe.

If interested they will message back. You've just got to have a thick skin. Maybe give them longer to message first. I'd be flattered if someone messaged me first and always message back out of courtesy.

I think some will be keeping you there as an option and are already talking to one or more others. Are you matching with the good looking guys only?

Only about half message back in my experience, sometimes less. For that reason I keep initial intros brief.

@EBearhug

I think some men wouldn't mind more than just sex, but they can't really be arsed to put the effort in, and just sex is easier.

I think there is some truth in this, but....if we're talking about men more my age, around 40, we enter into with best intentions but after a few months we get hit with expectations. I think men are expected to agree to this and when we don't it comes as a big surprise. The end is then nigh.

What sort of expectations?

Yep - I'm happily single, but it's not a religious belief or manifesto commitment :D. There's just no way I would ever do OLD. It looks absolutely grim, beyond belief grim, to me. The stories I've heard!

I don't have any hangups about my 'market value'. I mean, I look fine - I have nothing to complain of there. I have a great job and an interesting life filled with friends. I'm just...happy! I can't see why I'd want to spend my evenings being sent dickpics by tiny strange men. I'm not interested in a serious relationship anyway, so it's just not worth the effort for me.

Only about half message back in my experience, sometimes less. For that reason I keep initial intros brief.

I’d agree with about 50% responses from females maybe a bit less I normally look at the pics or bio and make an introduction comment based around some common ground/ interest, etc I’m just over 50, so the people I’m messaging are in the kinda 45 to 55 age range

What sort of expectations? yes I'm interested in this too. Does that mean 'we experience a woman clearly articulating what she is looking for rather than just going with what we want, how dare she?' does it mean 'she starts asking whether we are genuinely interested in commitment rather than sex?' I'm guessing given the age it's likely to mean a woman seeking clarity about whether a man wants children. Because a woman at that age isn't going to have time to waste and might need to have that conversation relatively early compared to being in your '20s and having years to work things out.

That's interesting foam

I"m 39, soon to turn 40. Have been single for 10 years. I actually don't know whether I want more children or not. It is something that would depend on who I meet, and a whole bunch of things. If I were to date I'd want to be able to have an honest conversation about it. It is hard when OLD dating profiles only have a yes/no box for that question, because it isn't so clear cut for me at least. I have no idea looking at the profile, whether the guy has any flex in his thinking or not, whichever way he answers the question.

What sort of expectations?

I ask this because I too wonder whether the expectations are reasonable - eg exclusivity; just not being a dick; coming off dating sites (which I think are reasonable expectations).

Or expectations that the man will give up friends and hobbies; start playing stepdad; delete female friends from fb (which are unreasonable)

Or whether it's men who are dating her younger women for their looks and bodies but as then surprised to find these women want something in return for their 'commitment' in the sense of them paying for everything buying them gifts etc when you have to ask why men think a beautiful woman half their age might otherwise be interested in them...

Or is it perceived expectations?

I dated a man for a few months and asked him what sort of relationship he wanted just to see if we were on the same page generally. I wasn't asking or expecting anything from him other than his answer. Not what he wanted with me, not if he loved me, nothing other than what he wanted for himself. He started telling me I couldn't get married because divorce wasn't through yet; that it would be very unsettling to move my children in with him; that my children didn't need a step dad... at no point did he articulate what he wanted. I have no intention of moving children in with someone else, getting married or even living with someone again, or providing them with a stepdad! And, even if those things were something I wanted, I'd said nothing to suggest I wanted them with him or at that time. My 'expectations' were purely in his head because I'm A Woman and he'd decided he knew what all women wanted.

Very unattractive!

@lokomojo - I like that. Not a manifesto commitment. Would such a commitment be along the lines of 'I shall from this day forth have no living companion other than felines....'

Expectations- ok so..... this is just my experience and obviously you can't generalise. But if you've been through a long term relationship and all the ups and downs that go with it you probably don't want to repeat that experience (or maybe some do as that's basically what my ex had done). Not saying won't commit to a new relationship but proceeding with caution due to having kids etc.

I think you head into something new maybe hoping to meet once/twice a week and then build in time. Where I've found it gets tricky is after a few months the initial 'it's cool we'll go at a steady pace' becomes 'well if you're not prepared to do this or that then I'd question if you are really committed to a future together'.

At this point the trouble starts...

Yep. I want someone I can see/go out with/have sex with at weekends. Maybe once in the week. I don't want either of us to be doing that with someone else.

I want someone I can go to places/events with 'together' and someone with whom there is mutual support.

I also expect to be able to keep up with my friends, family and hobbies and expect that they will do the same.

I expect that they won't rely on me to become their whole life. Again, some men do expect that and also expect me to want to provide that because of the whole women are more nurturing and have better friendships trope.

I'd still be interested to know what these 'questionng your commitment' expectations are. Just one example would be enough!

Things have moved on since my comment, but just wanted to reply to a couple of people.

@Roblox01 what do you mean when you ask if I'm only matching with "the good-looking ones?" I'm guessing this is about the whole top 20% thing and my having an unrealistic picture of my own market value..? It's difficult to answer that, because of course I only swipe right for the guys who I find physically attractive, or could imagine being attracted to them in person. But at the same time, I know my limits and I don't swipe on the very handsome/fit ones, even if I might fancy them, because a) I know I'll only ever be an option for them at best, and b) the best looking profile pictures tend to belong to bots...

@JustAnother0ldMan sorry, but I think it's bad OLD manners to "like" people that you have no intention of at least chatting to. It's so demoralising when you get a load of matches, only to be ignored by all of them when you try to send a friendly message. I'm on OLD to, hope against hope, find a partner, not to provide ego boosts for random blokes.

@ChloeAndRadcliffe

Things have moved on since my comment, but just wanted to reply to a couple of people.

@Roblox01 what do you mean when you ask if I'm only matching with "the good-looking ones?" I'm guessing this is about the whole top 20% thing and my having an unrealistic picture of my own market value..? It's difficult to answer that, because of course I only swipe right for the guys who I find physically attractive, or could imagine being attracted to them in person. But at the same time, I know my limits and I don't swipe on the very handsome/fit ones, even if I might fancy them, because a) I know I'll only ever be an option for them at best, and b) the best looking profile pictures tend to belong to bots...

@JustAnother0ldMan sorry, but I think it's bad OLD manners to "like" people that you have no intention of at least chatting to. It's so demoralising when you get a load of matches, only to be ignored by all of them when you try to send a friendly message. I'm on OLD to, hope against hope, find a partner, not to provide ego boosts for random blokes.

Just trying to understand Chloe. Yeah I get that you swipe on who you like etc. Just trying to rationalise why they weren't responding. I think all you can do is keep doing what you're doing and it should work out (fingers crossed).

OLD - when you are in full conversation and get the 'what do you mean' question. One step away from being unmatched 😅...

[quote Foambananas]@Roblox01
The scenario you’ve given perfectly shows what I’ve described above ... except I’m the woman and it’s the man who changes expectations.

So it works both ways. But I think men assume that women want ‘more’ when that is not always the case.[/quote]
Fair point. I think a lot of it does come down to communication.

@ChloeAndRadcliffe, I 100% agree with you, I have suffered the same but from the “other side”, have received “likes”, then been ignored when contacting them, does that I’m providing ego boosts for random women ?, it’s all pretty sad and why I’m on the verge of giving up now

@OldChinaJug

Yep. I want someone I can see/go out with/have sex with at weekends. Maybe once in the week. I don't want either of us to be doing that with someone else.

I want someone I can go to places/events with 'together' and someone with whom there is mutual support.

I also expect to be able to keep up with my friends, family and hobbies and expect that they will do the same.

I expect that they won't rely on me to become their whole life. Again, some men do expect that and also expect me to want to provide that because of the whole women are more nurturing and have better friendships trope.

I'd still be interested to know what these 'questionng your commitment' expectations are. Just one example would be enough!

Agreed on first paragraph and definitely the exclusive thing. I think that's quite yuk sleeping with someone and then off dating elsewhere.

I also agree with the other points. I have my kids, work, family etc.

On the examples I'll give a couple.

One wanting to fully blend within a few years with me brinibg kids her way on (about an hours drive). I'm adamant that whilst kids grow up its best to aim to blend but keep households separate until kids are much older (well into teens). The step parent board seems to bear this out (unless of course the options are limited then I can understand more in that situation).

Another informing I needed to prioritise her on my free weekends and would have to scale back my only really hobby (runnnhg) if need be to accommodate this.

[quote JustAnother0ldMan]@ChloeAndRadcliffe, I 100% agree with you, I have suffered the same but from the “other side”, have received “likes”, then been ignored when contacting them, does that I’m providing ego boosts for random women ?, it’s all pretty sad and why I’m on the verge of giving up now[/quote]
You could well be, unfortunately. Some people just want to know that they could if they wanted to, but not to actually go so far as meeting up. Perhaps they have rotten personalities and need to keep themselves as a tantalising option on a screen so that nobody finds out.

@Foambananas I'm similar to be honest. I have realised that you are best off establishing early on what the other person's wants are. Not in a pushy way but just making sure on the same page.

I was gutted when the last person wanted to full on blend as I thought we were on the same page. She was intelligent and attractive along with very sensible. Probably a bit out of my league 😅

Good posts about being honest at the start about what you want. I have been guilty of being a bit ambiguous or not asking the question of the person I’m seeing and thinking we’ll figure it out as we go, but I’ve been badly burned by that so my intention going forward is to be upfront from day one and they can work with that.
It’s funny because this is a thread about hating OLD and preferring real life interactions, but this is a conversation you would not have the first time you chat to someone in a bar or whatever but you need to be so clear online 🤷‍♀️