Husband’s studies are destroying our marriage

[Yelpforhelpp]

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged almost 3 and 12 months. We met at uni so both have degrees and have subsequently had decent, fairly well paid careers ever since.

Over the years DH has had numerous harebrained ideas such as going back to uni to study politics and become an MP, he got as far as applying through clearing but then backed out when he was accepted. He has also paid for random courses on groupon which he’s never completed and often speaks about business ventures he’d like to undertake. None ever materialise so I think I can be forgiven for rolling my eyes and not always taking him seriously.

In 2019 he decided he wanted to return to uni to get a second degree relevant to his career. It wasn’t necessary at all, it won’t further his career prospects within the company as far as I can see. It was more him wanting to further his knowledge within the field. He decided this in July 2019, his boss amazingly agreed and by August 2019 he had been accepted. When he mentioned it to me I honestly just thought he’d back out of it like he did with everything else but to my surprise, he didn’t.

Ever since it began our marriage has taken a major tumble. When he first started we only had one baby and I’d just returned to work but fell pregnant unexpectedly about 2 months after he started uni. As the Christmas period approached that year he had exams and he was so stressed out, he stayed up all night for a week revising and survived on energy drinks. It really wasn’t a healthy way to live, not even as a young student but he was now obviously late 20s with a young child and a job to go to the next day. We were already struggling at this point but obviously lockdown happened and the rest of the academic year was cancelled.

I’d say the lockdown period last year is the last time we actually got on. We had DC2 July 2020 and we really got on fantastically well until he returned to uni in September. Once he returned and had assignments and exams, it basically all went to shit. Once again he was a frazzled mess, pulling all nighters, constantly stressed out and worrying, spending entire weekends locked away in his study, barely spending time with us. He has no work/life balance at all, if he isn’t at work he seems to be studying at home.

The past 3/4 months have been worse than ever because he’s had numerous exams and assignments due in at a similar time so he’s been pretty much unbearable. He’s used all of his annual leave on study days, we went away for a long weekend to the coast last week and I had to take DC out alone because he stayed behind to study. He rarely helps out with DC anymore, I bath and put both to bed while he sits studying. He had yesterday off work to study so literally sat from the minute he got up to the minute we went to bed on his laptop. I can barely get a word in edgeways because he’s constantly discussing uni. It isn’t my field and not something I have much interest in so I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. I think it’s made worse by the fact he doesn’t only want a second degree but wants to graduate with a first again so he’s adamant he has to do his absolute best on every assignment/exam.

I have PND which is only amplifying my resentment towards him. I’m having weekly counselling sessions and the counsellor has said I need more support from him with DC, a GP told me this too. We moved away from my family before DC1 was born so I rarely see them and I don’t have any friends here either, I’m quite isolated atm but return to work PT in September so hoping that will help. I can’t pin the PND solely on him but have been told women who are both isolated from family/friends and who don’t receive any support with their children are more at risk. I didn’t have PND after DC1 so I’m thinking it’s because he isn’t very supportive.

The absolute worst thing is when people make out he’s some kind of messiah because he manages to work, study and has two small children. FIL is forever saying how proud he is and asking him not to ‘burn himself out’ . He’s chosen to study, it really isn’t necessary at all and nobody has forced him to do this. He also doesn’t do very much with DC or housework so he spends the vast majority of his time studying, none of this would be possible without me constantly picking up the slack.

I’m honestly just fed up and I have told him I don’t see our marriage lasting over the next year. I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with his dissertation, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. I’m on the verge of ending our marriage right now because I’m struggling to see past this. I know he only has a year left and if I’ve survived the past 2, I should be able to push myself through the next one but I honestly can’t see a way through right now.

Just seeking some general advice, is divorce the only option? I still love him dearly but I really can’t cope with this. I know a lot of women deal with their OH’s working away for months at a time but I wouldn’t be able to, it isn’t what I signed up for really. He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything. I’m going to spend some time at my Mum’s next week to get a break away from him and clear my head a bit.

I think I'd ask him to move out for the remainder of his course. He doesn't help, probably just adds to your workload as I expect you have to cook and clean up after him, do his laundry etc. Ask him to move in with MIL until he completes his degree. I wouldn't make a decision about whether the marriage is over until he had finished studying and your PND has improved. I think you would find life easier if he was living separately from you.

Put your foot down? Would it be ok for a husband to say that to his wife?

Yes, yes it would. If it meant that the husband was going to be left with 100% of the chores and childcare.

Parents have responsibilities. They don't get to dump those on the other parents.

@BillMasen

OP you’re not sounding very nice in that last post. He’s passionate about his work and “inflicts” that on you. He’s sharing his day, talking to you and you couldn’t care less, you feign interest, clearly wishing he’d just shut up

You are really dismissive of his career, his passion and interest in it.

And from what the OP says, her husband is dismissive of his wife, his children and family life.

@ThePluckOfTheCoward

I think I'd ask him to move out for the remainder of his course. He doesn't help, probably just adds to your workload as I expect you have to cook and clean up after him, do his laundry etc. Ask him to move in with MIL until he completes his degree. I wouldn't make a decision about whether the marriage is over until he had finished studying and your PND has improved. I think you would find life easier if he was living separately from you.

I think this may be the best option.

I admit my depression is clouding my view somewhat and I’m hoping returning to work in September will help me feel slightly better but ultimately just can’t imagine dealing with another year of this. It’s honestly been completely miserable since September. As soon as he returned to uni it was like a light switch flicked and he totally changed. He never seemed to be relaxed anymore at all, I think uni was always in the back of his mind wherever we went or whatever we did. It’s almost like an obsession of his.

@ThePluckOfTheCoward

I think I'd ask him to move out for the remainder of his course. He doesn't help, probably just adds to your workload as I expect you have to cook and clean up after him, do his laundry etc. Ask him to move in with MIL until he completes his degree. I wouldn't make a decision about whether the marriage is over until he had finished studying and your PND has improved. I think you would find life easier if he was living separately from you.

Alternatively they could get a cleaner then neither of them has to clean up after anyone. And if they can afford childcare, that too.

There's no reason why the OP has to slog on when she's so ill and unhappy, since she's now said a cleaner and au pair are options.

@FiddlefigOnTheRoof

It’s a hobby.

Dressed up a bit - but a hobby.

I agree with this. It does sound like a vanity project. And yes, employers do pay for degrees like this especially if they are large employers and can deduct the course fees from their apprenticeship levy (ie minimal net cost).

He’s sharing his day, talking to you and you couldn’t care less, you feign interest, clearly wishing he’d just shut up

I wonder if he ever shows any interest in the OP's day or in how tough she's finding it doing everything for their two children...

OP, I really feel for you.

Having young/tiny children while struggling to do it with a partner who is largely absent, whether by work or other reasons, is absolutely gruelling.

I think you need to tell your OH very clearly how you are feeling.

That you are overwhelmed and need help with the children/family.

That you feel as if he is avoiding you and the family - you have to ask for an hour of his time.

That this is really making you question whether your marriage will survive. Is he aware of how close you feel to wanting to leave?

My thought is that perhaps he is also in need of some help. Is he trying to escape from some feelings of unworthiness by constantly striving to better himself? I don't know - maybe he needs some counselling as well as you? Does he feel not up to the job of caring for his family? Why is he leaving it all to you?

I don't think these are things you need to solve; just saying that perhaps worth suggesting he might also need some counselling/therapy.

@ScrollingLeaves

You said you’d be devastated if he left so it seems you still love him.

Could you buy any extra help for the year?

Could you sit him down and demand he fills in a calendar with specific hours and days when he will be with you and the dcs?

Then try to get through the year plus a bit more tome before deciding whether he really wanted the degree - or if he just wanted to check out and would be looking for yet more ways to evade life even after the degree is done.

Is he trying to please his dad endlessly?

This must be so difficult.💐

I do think he’s trying to please FIL to an extent, yes. It’s strange because he openly admits neither of his parents were very good parents, they shipped him and SIL off to boarding school and didn’t have very much to do with them. DH has always said he doesn’t want this for our DC and wants to be a good Dad. He just isn’t very present right now, seriously can’t remember the last time he put either of them to bed or read them a book…

I’m going to discuss a timetable idea with him, we’re going to need something like this when I return to work anyway.

I wonder if he ever shows any interest in the OP's day or in how tough she's finding it doing everything for their two children...

Not really and usually if I do try talking to him he will either reach for his phone while I’m talking or he will pick one of our DC up and start tickling them or something similar so he isn’t actually listening to me.

@FiddlefigOnTheRoof

It’s a hobby.

Dressed up a bit - but a hobby.

I think I agree with Fiddlefig - it's a subject he finds enormously interesting and related to a job he loves, but there won't be any financial benefit in the long run? He's doing it for himself because he enjoys it - yep, sounds like a hobby!

And it has the added advantage of being the perfect way to simultaneously avoid the drudge work of being a DF to young DC, and being a martyr at the same time.......I can't deal with the nappies/feeding etc, I'm working SO hard (on the thing I love) and it's for the benefit of ALL of us. Yeah, right. You've got to hand it to him though, he's played a blinder there!

Sadly he sounds hugely selfish and self-absorbed - what kind of man watches his DW run herself into the ground like this? And from what you say, this is unlikely to be the end of it. When this is over he'll move onto the next 'project' to distract him from family life. Watch this space OP........

@C8H10N4O2

OP when the five year part time was collapsed to three years full time what options was he offered? I'm surprised at a college forcing this as the most likely result would be people dropping out the course as very few part time students could unilaterally switch to full time whilst working (unless they all have partners looking after them).

Did he discuss the options with you?

I thought this too. I suspect he would have had some decision making to do here. It may be that he felt (rightly or wrongly) that he could get it over quicker and your life could go back to “normal” sooner?

I would try to avoid harking back to decisions made in the past, his decision to take the course when he did (no one could have predicted your second child or covid coming along) or assume selfishness when he may genuinely think he’s doing the best thing for you as a family in the long run, even if you disagree with his assessment of things.

I think the main point is what happens now, you are a unit, when one suffers you all do. You are suffering and struggling and it doesn’t sound like you can take another year of it.

What would have happened if (God forbid) one of you got ill or your baby had been prem? He would have to negotiate a different way of managing his work/studies, whether that’s staggering his studies or getting a nanny/more family help etc. If that’s where you’re at now - you’re ill and at breaking point - something needs to change. It may not be ideal or fit with his life plans, but life happens and plans change, he has a family to think about now. If he won’t budge to help you when you need it most, I suspect your relationship may never recover from it.

@SixesAndEights

Prior to covid he travelled 80 miles every week to uni and back and was out of the house 6:30am-7/8pm ish depending on traffic.

That's a really long day for both of you OP! Him working/studying and you working looking after your kids.

I think you need to consider that the degree he's doing is of value, even if you don't think it is. If it's engineering then, yes, one sort of engineering isn't the same as another sort.

To those people saying no one will care if he gets a 2.1 and not a 1st....get away! Of course they will. I think 50% of people get a 2.1 now, it'll get you somewhere, yes, but a 1st will make you stand out. And if he's putting the effort in to do it, and an employer is paying for it, it behoves him to get the best result he can.

it behoves him to get the best result he can

In the time he has available (after chores). And regardless, his wife's health should take priority.

To me the bigger issue is what happens when he finishes the degree? Will he turn back into a decent Dad like he was during lockdown or will he be off pursuing the next shiny new thing with Toad of Toad Hall enthusiasm.
I suspect the latter so the time to discuss is now. Hope it goes well for you OP.

Good idea. Half an hour/an hour bedtime every night for a start would make him more of the dad he says he wants to be and would not seriously get in the way of his studies.

I thought it was odd he wanted to do politics and "become an MP." Was he politically active and wanted to take it further? Or did he think that all you need to become an MP is to get a First in politics?

We’re both interested in politics but he went through a spell following Brexit and the 2017 election of wanting to become an MP. Not sure why, he dropped it as soon as he was accepted through clearing and didn’t mention it again.

Do you want to punish him for his choices OP, because it sounds like you really resent him not wanting the same things career wise as you do?

Just think he could have made these choices at any point in his life. We’re both relatively young, he has a good 35-40 years left before retirement so I’m unsure why he chose to do this when we had a baby. I do resent him but not for that reason, I resent him because he isn’t helping me raise our children.

@Yelpforhelpp

I wonder if he ever shows any interest in the OP's day or in how tough she's finding it doing everything for their two children...

Not really and usually if I do try talking to him he will either reach for his phone while I’m talking or he will pick one of our DC up and start tickling them or something similar so he isn’t actually listening to me.

This is SO INSULTING. In his head he's just grouped the OP with "the kids" and it's one whole family unit thing that he can safely ignore

@rookiemere

To me the bigger issue is what happens when he finishes the degree? Will he turn back into a decent Dad like he was during lockdown or will he be off pursuing the next shiny new thing with Toad of Toad Hall enthusiasm. I suspect the latter so the time to discuss is now. Hope it goes well for you OP.

I think he’s going to want to do a masters in all honesty. He has joked about it a few times but I think he was being serious.

Think very clearly about your meeting with him tonight so that it’s not wasted.
Outline the problems first and agree that they are a problem. Don’t get sidetracked into past problems, arguments and disagreements. Stick to what the current problems are and write them down, make a list.
Don’t waste any time telling him what a selfish arse he is, totally pointless and only leads to name calling and diversionary tactics.
Brainstorm solutions without evaluating them, this is really important as you might have a tendency to dismiss ideas before they have been fully evaluated.
Evaluate the solutions.
Pick solutions. Explore and nail down the details of how the solutions will work.
Reconvene monthly to evaluate, celebrate, tweak.
Remember your goal: to stay together as a family and for everybody to have their needs met.
Good luck. I raised my three as a single parent using this and it worked pretty well.

He sounds very obsessive and self-involved. There are medical diagnoses that could explain that, or he could just be an a-hole. TBH it doesn't really matter which, as the impact is the same.

To give you some comparison - when my DD was younger, I had a full-time job, did an MA (mainly part-time but at the end I went full time to get it done), DH travelled a lot for work and we're thousands of miles from family so no back up there. DD has a disability and took quite a lot of active parenting (definitely more than average) in her younger years. I never once pulled an all-nighter and there was only 1 time I needed an extension, when I had an emergency appendectomy. Apart from the class when I had appendicitis, I got the highest grade possible for every paper/class/exam etc.

I'm not some kind of super woman - I'm a fairly average person. But I managed all that without becoming obsessive. DH and I worked together planning things like picking up DD from school, dinner etc. There were a few times we went on holiday and I was finishing off a paper, so I got up early and wrote for a couple of hours before we spent the day doing family things together. I actually found an MA quite easy academically, although sometimes finding the time was hard. There were a couple of times when DH took DD to the movies and I stayed home to work, but generally family time continued smoothly.

So I don't have much sympathy for your DH, as it isn't necessary to obsessively work how he is doing - he almost sounds mentally unwell.

Not sure if that helps you or just makes you feel worse, just trying to give some perspective of how things can be different, even when working FT,m studying & with a family.

@Yelpforhelpp, you say

As soon as he returned to uni it was like a light switch flicked and he totally changed. He never seemed to be relaxed anymore at all, I think uni was always in the back of his mind wherever we went or whatever we did. It’s almost like an obsession of his.

Do you think he would find it easier to study and also relax if he stayed at his MILs. He wouldn't then be resenting every moment he was spending with you and the DC if he was living apart? Don't know if that makes sense?

Utterly ridiculous. I managed a masters with 2 primary aged kids whilst working full time but
I didn't take any holiday to do it.
I spent 16 hours on each assignment
I went into work early and worked from there
It was from October to end of May each year. I did nothing over the summer
It still nearly killed me.
I think separating should be considered. It would drive me insane watching it all unravel to no purpose!

BTW I'm not saying his actions and behaviour are right or fair to you all, not condoning his behaviour at all, but I'm just thinking of ways you can all get through this last year and all retain your sanity.

He does sound like the sort of father who would sooner fire up a laptop and do something, anything, but parent his children or load a dishwasher. If it wasn't the degree it'd be gaming, or he'd become a blogger, or something, but it's all the same - he needs to be doing something that takes his full mental focus so he doesn't have to parent. He's completely checked out and doesn't even hear that he's about to lose his family.

The degree could have waited. I retrained; it took a lot of focus, so I did it when the kids started school. It would have been obscene to completely ignore them to chase a personal study goal.

Genuinely shocked at the number of posters saying OP is unreasonable. Her DH has completely opted out of family life for the sake of a nice to have rather than essential qualification. OP has no support, DC get no attention from their father. OP has no choice in this - she can't stop caring for her children can she. And worst of all, DH doesn't care at all how his actions have affected his family - I think his behaviour is appalling.