Husband’s studies are destroying our marriage

[Yelpforhelpp]

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged almost 3 and 12 months. We met at uni so both have degrees and have subsequently had decent, fairly well paid careers ever since.

Over the years DH has had numerous harebrained ideas such as going back to uni to study politics and become an MP, he got as far as applying through clearing but then backed out when he was accepted. He has also paid for random courses on groupon which he’s never completed and often speaks about business ventures he’d like to undertake. None ever materialise so I think I can be forgiven for rolling my eyes and not always taking him seriously.

In 2019 he decided he wanted to return to uni to get a second degree relevant to his career. It wasn’t necessary at all, it won’t further his career prospects within the company as far as I can see. It was more him wanting to further his knowledge within the field. He decided this in July 2019, his boss amazingly agreed and by August 2019 he had been accepted. When he mentioned it to me I honestly just thought he’d back out of it like he did with everything else but to my surprise, he didn’t.

Ever since it began our marriage has taken a major tumble. When he first started we only had one baby and I’d just returned to work but fell pregnant unexpectedly about 2 months after he started uni. As the Christmas period approached that year he had exams and he was so stressed out, he stayed up all night for a week revising and survived on energy drinks. It really wasn’t a healthy way to live, not even as a young student but he was now obviously late 20s with a young child and a job to go to the next day. We were already struggling at this point but obviously lockdown happened and the rest of the academic year was cancelled.

I’d say the lockdown period last year is the last time we actually got on. We had DC2 July 2020 and we really got on fantastically well until he returned to uni in September. Once he returned and had assignments and exams, it basically all went to shit. Once again he was a frazzled mess, pulling all nighters, constantly stressed out and worrying, spending entire weekends locked away in his study, barely spending time with us. He has no work/life balance at all, if he isn’t at work he seems to be studying at home.

The past 3/4 months have been worse than ever because he’s had numerous exams and assignments due in at a similar time so he’s been pretty much unbearable. He’s used all of his annual leave on study days, we went away for a long weekend to the coast last week and I had to take DC out alone because he stayed behind to study. He rarely helps out with DC anymore, I bath and put both to bed while he sits studying. He had yesterday off work to study so literally sat from the minute he got up to the minute we went to bed on his laptop. I can barely get a word in edgeways because he’s constantly discussing uni. It isn’t my field and not something I have much interest in so I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. I think it’s made worse by the fact he doesn’t only want a second degree but wants to graduate with a first again so he’s adamant he has to do his absolute best on every assignment/exam.

I have PND which is only amplifying my resentment towards him. I’m having weekly counselling sessions and the counsellor has said I need more support from him with DC, a GP told me this too. We moved away from my family before DC1 was born so I rarely see them and I don’t have any friends here either, I’m quite isolated atm but return to work PT in September so hoping that will help. I can’t pin the PND solely on him but have been told women who are both isolated from family/friends and who don’t receive any support with their children are more at risk. I didn’t have PND after DC1 so I’m thinking it’s because he isn’t very supportive.

The absolute worst thing is when people make out he’s some kind of messiah because he manages to work, study and has two small children. FIL is forever saying how proud he is and asking him not to ‘burn himself out’ . He’s chosen to study, it really isn’t necessary at all and nobody has forced him to do this. He also doesn’t do very much with DC or housework so he spends the vast majority of his time studying, none of this would be possible without me constantly picking up the slack.

I’m honestly just fed up and I have told him I don’t see our marriage lasting over the next year. I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with his dissertation, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. I’m on the verge of ending our marriage right now because I’m struggling to see past this. I know he only has a year left and if I’ve survived the past 2, I should be able to push myself through the next one but I honestly can’t see a way through right now.

Just seeking some general advice, is divorce the only option? I still love him dearly but I really can’t cope with this. I know a lot of women deal with their OH’s working away for months at a time but I wouldn’t be able to, it isn’t what I signed up for really. He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything. I’m going to spend some time at my Mum’s next week to get a break away from him and clear my head a bit.

There are people who enjoy being 'professional students' in which simply taking classes/pursuing degrees is a thing 'in itself' that they enjoy doing for its own sake. They just love the 'act' of learning and/or seeing certificates or diplomas piling up gives them great personal satisfaction. Nothing wrong with that assuming it does not impact the other people in their lives. But if that is your DH, then perhaps you need to consider whether this is a life you wish to live because he certainly doesn't seem capable of doing both (learning and family life) at the same time.

But before you do that, perhaps even before you try to speak to him again, do you think it would help if you asked him to attend one of your counseling sessions where your counselor could help 'back you up' as you communicate your needs and then assist the two of you in formulating a plan? You'd want to speak to your counselor first to come up your idea of a plan, of course. But sometimes having a third person, especially a 'professional' can help a recalcitrant partner realize that You. Are. Serious. when you're telling him you're at the end of your tether.

I think it's a good idea for you to go to your mum's. You're at a breaking point and you need a (hopefully) neutral space to clear your head and decompress. Right now you're understandably overstressed and justifiably furious at his lack of understanding. Decompressing will help you see clearly as far deciding whether or not you think he has the ability to change, and whether or not you want to end your marriage if he doesn't.

So is the push to get a 1st so that he can parade it in front of his father to get his approval? Will a Masters degree be the same?

I am reminded of Frankie Boyle:

I have just achieved my lifetime's ambition of climbing Everest without food or equipment

NOW DO YOU LOVE ME, DADDY?

Years ago I told my DB that no matter how hard he tried he wasnt going to get DF's approval (DF had been gone for many years). That he should do things because he wanted to do them not because he thought DF would have approved. DB had laboured all his life in the shadow of Golden Child oldest brother.

If he wants to do a Masters then you both need to talk about how to facilitate that in the future whilst having a satisfying family life. It's no use you saying you don't want him to do it therefore he mustn't do it. On the other hand, it's no use him saying he'll do it without addressing the stresses and strains his current study has placed on the family.

I think you also need to let go of this notion that only you and him must do everything. Farm out the cleaning for a start if you've the money to do that, I think it's pointless to have this as one of the stress points when it doesn't have to be. Get it out of the equation.

He needs to address his time management issues, you could stipulate that as one of the absolutes if he's going on to further study. And you could suggest he starts doing something about it now in order to make the next year more bearable.

When you go back to work can you get full time child care instead of part time? (I don't know how this works.) This would give you time to yourself to do your own thing and improve your wellbeing.

There's nothing wrong with staying with your mum for a few days and having her as a sounding board and support. Or just a change of scenery.

I'm by no means saying your husband is blameless. However, I don't think you've been helping yourself by taking everything on when you needn't and refusing to even think about external help.

Your husband is studying now and will be doing so for the next year. Resenting him for this is getting you nowhere. Somehow you need a find a way to accept that it's happening and how to make it better for both of you.

Frankly, if he decided to study for a Masters straight after completing this degree, then I'd definitely kick him out for good, for me that would be it.

Go away for 3 days.

I used to do that about every 9 months when I had young kids.
It was good for me, good for the kids, and good for DH to reemphasise what needed doing on a daily business.
I cant claim it solved everything, but changing the status quo always has benefits to everyone.

There are people who enjoy being 'professional students' in which simply taking classes/pursuing degrees is a thing 'in itself' that they enjoy doing for its own sake.

My oldest student was 66 and I thought he was fantastic. He had retired, his children had flown the nest and he had decided he wanted to go to uni to study English lit. He was in the army from a young age so never had the opportunity, then had his children and studying took a backseat. He got his mid 60s and just thought fuck it, I’ll go pursue it now.

Genuinely no issue with people studying ‘for fun’ at all and no issue with my DH doing this either. Just maybe not when our DC are babies and I need him to help me parent them.

It’s the lack of communication and partnership. Some people will agree for one partner to carry burden at home whilst other does x (works away/works long hours etc) especially if x is for overall benefit of family unit but that’s agreed. This sounds like DH has just done it and there’s been no reassessment or discussion along the way - baby 2 or course becoming full time.
The equivalent would be OP saying to him tonight oh i’ve got a full time promotion when I go back in September 2 hours commute away - private school so Saturdays too and just expecting him to do all childcare drop offs and pick ups, dinner, bedtime etc.

So is the push to get a 1st so that he can parade it in front of his father to get his approval? Will a Masters degree be the same?

Potentially. He’s always admired FIL’s salary and lifestyle even though he openly admits he wasn’t a good Father. Think it’s partly to do with friends he went to school with too. Only one of them also has children but he lives abroad and owns a business. DH loves to trawl through LinkedIn comparing himself to people he went to school with and there’s a lot of ‘wow, how is he doing that at our age?! I could earn that much too if I wanted to. I need to work for myself too, it’s probably the only way I’ll get rich.’ He went to an elite boarding school so think that may explain his mentality too.

I suggested a timetable above and I'm glad you are thinking about it. When you start the conversation make it really clear to him that it is a deadly serious conversation and that he must respect what you have to say - point out to him how disrespectful and rude he is when you try to raise issues with him and he just picks up his phone. Ask him how he would feel if he was talking to you about his day and you made it clear you were more interested in your phone than what he had to say? (If he says it wouldn't bother him do it every time he talks to you until he gets the message.)

Then start by pointing out that regardless of his intentions etc he is buying his degree and in particular his first (if he gets one) with the sacrifices you are having to make to enable it - sacrifices that you didn't sign up to when he was going to do it part time with one child. He is also, totally self indulgently, failing to pull his weight at home. As lots of PPs have said it is possible to work, study and participate in family life. He is therefore either not academically able enough to achieve this (ie the work is taking far more hours than it should in which case he needs to accept that he is not up to it) or his time management skills aren't up to it. He can choose which of those two it is but it has to be one or the other as other people manage it. Then he accepts the consequences that go with that - give up or pull his finger out and pull his weight. Also point out that FIL is on the same page as you as FIL praises him for juggling work study and family so he clearly expects that all three can be done. Point out that he is accepting this praise under false pretenses as he isn't managing this - he is being carried by his wife at the expense of her health and well being. Ask him what sort of a man lies and grinds his wife down so he can get a pat on the head from Daddy?

I had to have a similar conversation with my DH although it was about excessive work not study. In the end I had to point out that he could stop behaving as if he was the chairman of ICI until such time as he earned as much and could pay his way out of the chores.

A cautionary tale for your DH - I ended up so burnt out from working, managing the house and children (and I had a cleaner and a nanny) and PND that I was hospitalised for the best part of 6 months which started just before Christmas when both the cleaner and the nanny were away on holiday. He'd never had the 2 children together by himself for more than 2 hours before so he had a very rude shock. I suspect that your counsellor would have a number of similar stories to tell - I think you should look at having a couple of sessions where you both go along as I guess having a third party spell it out might help?

If you are both earning well as you implied - why not just think out of the box and pay for childcare and cleaning for one more year? I get that you should not be doing this extra work - but why not pay for someone else to do it - much cheaper than a divorce. You don't love him as dearly as you say you do if you are saying he has to ditch the last year of his 3 year degree or you will divorce him.

Your dh sounds so similar to me in personality - the hare brained schemes, throwing myself completely into something to the detriment of anything else, the inability to strike a balance, and the drive to get top marks at all costs.

I would absolutely love to do more courses but I can’t balance that with dc. I’m so envious of people who do. It’s not something I choose, it’s just how my brain works.

The difference is that I’ve had to step back, with huge regret, and put my family first. I’ve no advice or answers; just huge sympathy for your situation.

Yes, I would go away for 3 days, and leave the kids with him.
And see what he does, and how he feels.

He is after salary and lifestyle.

What would he think if you stopped doing chores and childcare?
Would he get resentful? Or just look into lots of childcare and ultimately boarding school for the kids?

So in summary, he gets to do extra study which he enjoys/will benefit from/but is massively time consuming. He does little to nothing at home or with the children or you. He jokes about doing further study.

You are on maternity leave bringing up 2 small children and doing the bulk of everything at home. You are struggling with PND and you have moved away from your family to somewhere he wants to be. You’re facing the prospect of returning to work with barely any support.

So many posters here have been very harsh on you. So often people bleat on about compromise in marriage, all I can see is a deeply singleminded man pursuing his own desires and you sacrificing everything to facilitate it. I’m not surprised you feel resentful and are not falling over yourself to feign interest in his work.

I hope your talk goes well later. I would really lay it on the line and if he’s not prepared to compromise/help you at all I would seriously returning closer to family to work.

@Yelpforhelpp

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged almost 3 and 12 months. We met at uni so both have degrees and have subsequently had decent, fairly well paid careers ever since.

Over the years DH has had numerous harebrained ideas such as going back to uni to study politics and become an MP, he got as far as applying through clearing but then backed out when he was accepted. He has also paid for random courses on groupon which he’s never completed and often speaks about business ventures he’d like to undertake. None ever materialise so I think I can be forgiven for rolling my eyes and not always taking him seriously.

In 2019 he decided he wanted to return to uni to get a second degree relevant to his career. It wasn’t necessary at all, it won’t further his career prospects within the company as far as I can see. It was more him wanting to further his knowledge within the field. He decided this in July 2019, his boss amazingly agreed and by August 2019 he had been accepted. When he mentioned it to me I honestly just thought he’d back out of it like he did with everything else but to my surprise, he didn’t.

Ever since it began our marriage has taken a major tumble. When he first started we only had one baby and I’d just returned to work but fell pregnant unexpectedly about 2 months after he started uni. As the Christmas period approached that year he had exams and he was so stressed out, he stayed up all night for a week revising and survived on energy drinks. It really wasn’t a healthy way to live, not even as a young student but he was now obviously late 20s with a young child and a job to go to the next day. We were already struggling at this point but obviously lockdown happened and the rest of the academic year was cancelled.

I’d say the lockdown period last year is the last time we actually got on. We had DC2 July 2020 and we really got on fantastically well until he returned to uni in September. Once he returned and had assignments and exams, it basically all went to shit. Once again he was a frazzled mess, pulling all nighters, constantly stressed out and worrying, spending entire weekends locked away in his study, barely spending time with us. He has no work/life balance at all, if he isn’t at work he seems to be studying at home.

The past 3/4 months have been worse than ever because he’s had numerous exams and assignments due in at a similar time so he’s been pretty much unbearable. He’s used all of his annual leave on study days, we went away for a long weekend to the coast last week and I had to take DC out alone because he stayed behind to study. He rarely helps out with DC anymore, I bath and put both to bed while he sits studying. He had yesterday off work to study so literally sat from the minute he got up to the minute we went to bed on his laptop. I can barely get a word in edgeways because he’s constantly discussing uni. It isn’t my field and not something I have much interest in so I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. I think it’s made worse by the fact he doesn’t only want a second degree but wants to graduate with a first again so he’s adamant he has to do his absolute best on every assignment/exam.

I have PND which is only amplifying my resentment towards him. I’m having weekly counselling sessions and the counsellor has said I need more support from him with DC, a GP told me this too. We moved away from my family before DC1 was born so I rarely see them and I don’t have any friends here either, I’m quite isolated atm but return to work PT in September so hoping that will help. I can’t pin the PND solely on him but have been told women who are both isolated from family/friends and who don’t receive any support with their children are more at risk. I didn’t have PND after DC1 so I’m thinking it’s because he isn’t very supportive.

The absolute worst thing is when people make out he’s some kind of messiah because he manages to work, study and has two small children. FIL is forever saying how proud he is and asking him not to ‘burn himself out’ . He’s chosen to study, it really isn’t necessary at all and nobody has forced him to do this. He also doesn’t do very much with DC or housework so he spends the vast majority of his time studying, none of this would be possible without me constantly picking up the slack.

I’m honestly just fed up and I have told him I don’t see our marriage lasting over the next year. I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with his dissertation, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. I’m on the verge of ending our marriage right now because I’m struggling to see past this. I know he only has a year left and if I’ve survived the past 2, I should be able to push myself through the next one but I honestly can’t see a way through right now.

Just seeking some general advice, is divorce the only option? I still love him dearly but I really can’t cope with this. I know a lot of women deal with their OH’s working away for months at a time but I wouldn’t be able to, it isn’t what I signed up for really. He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything. I’m going to spend some time at my Mum’s next week to get a break away from him and clear my head a bit.

Can't he go part time, or extend the studies, or take a study break? I can't imagine any academic teaching him would want to see a family torn apart so that he can complete his degree in a set time, or with a first instead of a slightly lower grade.

What would he think if you stopped doing chores and childcare?

The house would fall apart and he knows this. I had a c-section with DC2 and he just couldn’t cope at all. My Mum ended up coming over and cleaned our house for us because he had fallen so far behind we had dishes stacked high with flies buzzing around and he hadn’t done the laundry for over a week. I was readmitted to hospital with wound dehiscence and an infection at 10 days PP and he just couldn’t cope. He’s admitted he can’t do it without me and that I’m the glue keeping everyone together…

We will hire a cleaner when I return to work and I’ll ask the CM for some extra hours so I can have a bit of time to myself. I do love him, just harbouring a lot of built up resentment.

I knew one or two people like this when I was at Uni and after I left. We called them eternal students. Basically through out their life they continued to do degrees one after the other, not to further their careers in any way but because they wanted to do them. I know people now in their fifties who have umpteen degrees and qualifications - some of them have never worked - and been supported in this activity buy their.

I've always seen it as a tactic to delay growing up and accepting an adult role in life. You can abdicate all sorts of responsibilities if you are 'busy studying'.
The fact is the course he is doing isn't of any great use, if he is enormously interested in the subject -that's fine - you can earn about and have great knowledge of a subject that interests you without doing a degree in it - just have it as your hobby and do your own research, reading etc in your leisure time. - Then y ou don;t have deadlines or pressure and you don;t impact on your family.

The fact is, he is no longer student with a students lifestyle - he is an adult, a husband, and a father of two small children. Children he helped to create - so he owes them his time and attention. He chose to have adult responsibilities, but now he is choosing to let you deal with them all.

I don't know what you can do - I would certainly think about being away from him during the next academic year, you need to look after your own mental health, and he is actively making you unwell.
Then you can consider your options.

My own feelings (from my own experience) are that he will never change. He has chosen to put the 'studying' lifestyle above his family, and I don't think you and the children will ever be his priority.

Can't he go part time, or extend the studies, or take a study break? I can't imagine any academic teaching him would want to see a family torn apart so that he can complete his degree in a set time, or with a first instead of a slightly lower grade.

Unsure if this is an option because work are funding the degree but it is something I’m going to ask him when we talk later. He could definitely put less time in and accept a 2:1 but he’s adamant he’ll finish with a first and I feel like I’d be a twat for preventing this.

I haven't read through all these posts, but can I just say this:

Some 20something blokes are on Xbox or Playstations too much, or down the Pub. There was a thread recently - a pregnant woman was upset (and rightly so in my opinion) because her DP, or it might have been DH, had gone and bought a season ticket for a football team, without even asking her. Not just rude 'cos of the expense, but in assuming he could be 'away' most Saturdays, when she is at home with their baby...

This man seems to be doing something good, in comparison. I hope you can two work this out, @Yelpforhelpp

Seems to me both your DH and your counsellor see all the work in the home as woman's work. Why the fuck should you have to tell him exactly "what you need him to do"? You both live in a busy home with 2 tiny children. Stuff needs to be done. It's not YOU that needs to tell HIM to do some of it.

Your main point seems to be that his 2nd degree is for zero benefit and only for himself. However, if his work have agreed to give him a day off a week for it then it must have some payback for them otherwise they wouldn't agree to it. I see his employer has also funded it and unless it's worthwhile no way would they do that.

OP, I do not want to be harsh because you are obviously struggling, but has this blown up in your mind because you are slightly jealous? Perhaps your DH genuinely believes that he needs to earn more money to support 2 DCs (especially as one wasn't planned). Could you get additional help (e.g. cleaner/childcare) to help you through.

I'm aghast at the number of posters who aren't totally with the OP on this thread, tbh.

He’s done it on purpose to get out of any parenting
Kids will be easier when he’s finished this degree as they will be past the baby stage and older ..

You keep saying he should have waited until your DC were at school but would you really have been happy with that? He still wouldn’t be able to provide holiday childcare, ferry them around to activities etc. It would still be a struggle. Plus that pushes it back indefinitely for him - you already had one unexpected baby, there’s no guarantee you wouldn’t get unexpectedly pregnant again. You are clearly taking a much more negative view of his studies than the reality as there must be value in it for his career otherwise there is no way his work would fund it, and you complain both that he doesn’t stick at anything and that he’s sticking at this too much. I think you need to look beyond the immediate issue and consider whether you actually still love him.

Tell him
As soon as his degree is finished ,you will start your 2nd degree ,and he will take over with the children for 3 years .fairs fair

I'd be jealous if my husband was getting away with doing no chores or childcare. That would make me very jealous indeed.

I'd be tempted to write "MUG" in black marker on my forehead and "PRAT" on his while he was sleeping.