Husband’s studies are destroying our marriage

[Yelpforhelpp]

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged almost 3 and 12 months. We met at uni so both have degrees and have subsequently had decent, fairly well paid careers ever since.

Over the years DH has had numerous harebrained ideas such as going back to uni to study politics and become an MP, he got as far as applying through clearing but then backed out when he was accepted. He has also paid for random courses on groupon which he’s never completed and often speaks about business ventures he’d like to undertake. None ever materialise so I think I can be forgiven for rolling my eyes and not always taking him seriously.

In 2019 he decided he wanted to return to uni to get a second degree relevant to his career. It wasn’t necessary at all, it won’t further his career prospects within the company as far as I can see. It was more him wanting to further his knowledge within the field. He decided this in July 2019, his boss amazingly agreed and by August 2019 he had been accepted. When he mentioned it to me I honestly just thought he’d back out of it like he did with everything else but to my surprise, he didn’t.

Ever since it began our marriage has taken a major tumble. When he first started we only had one baby and I’d just returned to work but fell pregnant unexpectedly about 2 months after he started uni. As the Christmas period approached that year he had exams and he was so stressed out, he stayed up all night for a week revising and survived on energy drinks. It really wasn’t a healthy way to live, not even as a young student but he was now obviously late 20s with a young child and a job to go to the next day. We were already struggling at this point but obviously lockdown happened and the rest of the academic year was cancelled.

I’d say the lockdown period last year is the last time we actually got on. We had DC2 July 2020 and we really got on fantastically well until he returned to uni in September. Once he returned and had assignments and exams, it basically all went to shit. Once again he was a frazzled mess, pulling all nighters, constantly stressed out and worrying, spending entire weekends locked away in his study, barely spending time with us. He has no work/life balance at all, if he isn’t at work he seems to be studying at home.

The past 3/4 months have been worse than ever because he’s had numerous exams and assignments due in at a similar time so he’s been pretty much unbearable. He’s used all of his annual leave on study days, we went away for a long weekend to the coast last week and I had to take DC out alone because he stayed behind to study. He rarely helps out with DC anymore, I bath and put both to bed while he sits studying. He had yesterday off work to study so literally sat from the minute he got up to the minute we went to bed on his laptop. I can barely get a word in edgeways because he’s constantly discussing uni. It isn’t my field and not something I have much interest in so I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. I think it’s made worse by the fact he doesn’t only want a second degree but wants to graduate with a first again so he’s adamant he has to do his absolute best on every assignment/exam.

I have PND which is only amplifying my resentment towards him. I’m having weekly counselling sessions and the counsellor has said I need more support from him with DC, a GP told me this too. We moved away from my family before DC1 was born so I rarely see them and I don’t have any friends here either, I’m quite isolated atm but return to work PT in September so hoping that will help. I can’t pin the PND solely on him but have been told women who are both isolated from family/friends and who don’t receive any support with their children are more at risk. I didn’t have PND after DC1 so I’m thinking it’s because he isn’t very supportive.

The absolute worst thing is when people make out he’s some kind of messiah because he manages to work, study and has two small children. FIL is forever saying how proud he is and asking him not to ‘burn himself out’ . He’s chosen to study, it really isn’t necessary at all and nobody has forced him to do this. He also doesn’t do very much with DC or housework so he spends the vast majority of his time studying, none of this would be possible without me constantly picking up the slack.

I’m honestly just fed up and I have told him I don’t see our marriage lasting over the next year. I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with his dissertation, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. I’m on the verge of ending our marriage right now because I’m struggling to see past this. I know he only has a year left and if I’ve survived the past 2, I should be able to push myself through the next one but I honestly can’t see a way through right now.

Just seeking some general advice, is divorce the only option? I still love him dearly but I really can’t cope with this. I know a lot of women deal with their OH’s working away for months at a time but I wouldn’t be able to, it isn’t what I signed up for really. He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything. I’m going to spend some time at my Mum’s next week to get a break away from him and clear my head a bit.

Oh and I am having counselling for my PND. I’ve opted to leave medication for the time being to see whether the counselling will be sufficient. Counsellor has continuously told me he doesn’t think I will improve without more assistance at home though…

@C8H10N4O2

She thinks her husband should be happy with what she's happy with and that's not so great

I read that she thinks he could wait until the DC are a bit older. He isn't single. His choices need to consider not just the himself or even the OP but his DC who are the big losers in his choice to check out of family responsibilities and the OP doing his share of those responsibilities.

Yeah, but it comes across very strongly that she believes the degree to be pointless etc. etc. so I think she'd be happiest with him never doing it.

Like I said before, a 5 yr part time degree with one child is totally doable whichever parent is doing it.

@Topofthepopicles

My advice would be to clearly communicate what you need. How are your finances arranged? I think he needs to see the labour it’s causing you and ensure he is mitigating it. So for example, you might agree to fund additional childminder time over and above your work hours so you get a break that doesn’t rely on him, you might agree to get a cleaner, he might agree to pick the children up from childminder once per week and be fully responsible for dinner, bath, bed. So you can also invest in your career.

He doesn’t get to demand sacrifice from you and then act like he isn’t. It clearly does require sacrifice as a family for him to finish his degree. If that’s what he wants he needs to mitigate any way he reasonably can.

I’m going to give this a go tonight. I’ve asked him to spare me an hour away from his laptop to have a chat and he’s agreed. Will outline how much I’ve been struggling (even though he’s already totally aware) and try to come up with some solution. I know he won’t want to back out of his final year, I will ask whether there’s a way to defer or split it into a PT thing as PP’s suggested but I’m not sure whether either of those are an option since his company are funding it. Ultimately may be a case of him moving out for the year so he can solely focus on that.

Personally I couldn't see past him missing so much from the children's lives, if he's as absent as you say he is. It's one thing trying to better yourself to make a better life, but this sounds like it's at the expense of family life.... is that what he's doing it all for, to check out of family life?

I've seen this from the other angle (I was the child) and honestly the stand out issue here is his attitude.

My DF completed 2 degrees agile we were children and prior to that had dragged us and DM around the world seeking the better and higher paid opportunity. For me it was all an adventure but now as a DM myself I realise how unbelievably frustrating and hard it must have been for my DM. The difference was that it absolutely did increase the income for the family which is why she went through it. Now for my DF in those days it worked and was effective but it came at a huge cost. His relationship with us was incredibly distant.

Eventually my DM put her foot down and said no. He had done enough and was earning well. Family had to come first. In fairness DF listened and that's the rub really.

I am about to study again but it actively increases my earning potential and DP and I have discussed the ins and outs. There is an end point. A reason.

If its vanity and for his own self worth this is not OK. The issue really isn't studying its his selfishness. Nothing wrong with studying if it actively increases the benefits to the whole unit or doesn't impact them negatively. If it wasn't studying it sounds like he would find something else. , a time intensive hobby.

If you want to stay with him I would say set the time limit. Its not going to be realistic to say stop now as if its employer funded it will seriously cause work problems. However if you can bear it and you want to stay with him its an immovable boundary. Graduate and then stop. The family Jve made enough sacrifices for him, he then has to put them and you first.

Understandably you may not be able to wait a year and that's fair. However I suspect you would need to leave him. Either way his attitude is inherently selfish. Not for studying but for taking constantly and not giving anything or setting time limits on it.

@lemonyfox

Personally I couldn't see past him missing so much from the children's lives, if he's as absent as you say he is. It's one thing trying to better yourself to make a better life, but this sounds like it's at the expense of family life.... is that what he's doing it all for, to check out of family life?

I’m not sure, a few PP’s have mentioned this now so perhaps? I’m aware we only had one baby when he chose to start the degree but it isn’t as if we had no children at all. He chose to do it knowing he already had a baby to help care for, then we obviously unexpectedly ended up with two. We got along very well during the lockdown last year when studies were suspended. It’s gone downhill since he returned and I then had a toddler and baby at home with me all day.

I would have been much happier had he chosen to start it when DC were older.

He isn’t helping me because he’s doing an optional degree.

In your opinion. He doesn't think it's optional. He thinks (and his employer must agree otherwise they wouldn't have funded it) it will further his career.

I do feel for you OP, but you're so dismissive of him and that's unfair.

And there's nothing wrong with asking family for a helping hand whilst you're both going through this stressful and turbulent time. Even if your mum's working, a break at hers during term time would probably do you and husband a world of good. Obviously your mum will have some work to do herself but just having her to chat to in person for a week or two I imagine will have helped.

Yes, it is his life. But if my partner took up studies and then insisted on using up every available bit of spare time to get the best possible mark and this had a serious detriment to our personal life together - when he could possibly ease up and still get a very respectable grade - then I would be exercising options over my own life and walking.

I wonder what his employer would think if his devotion to getting a first started impacting his work. I doubt they’d be impressed.

I agree with a lot of previous posters. You were dismissive of him not sticking at things and now are dismissive of him sticking at this. You think he should settle for the level he is at. You believe his study (funded by work who clearly value it) as pointless.

If you were a man I think there would be a lot more people saying you should support your partner, help them better themselves, not to hold them back. Hell you’d probably even be accused of wanting to control her and keep her down

I understand it’s hard, and yes you should discuss how he should balance his responsibilities. But I can understand if, at the moment, he feels you are dismissive of him

I worked for the CEO of our company. He was an engineer and then went back to get a law degree/take the bar exam - while working - which did help enormously in his career.

At his retirement he talked about how awful it was, how little he saw his children, and how if he had his time over he probably wouldn't have done it. And his wife didn't work, they had good money coming in for help etc. and any time he did have he spent with his small children.

Your dh is making a very poor choice for this stage of his life. I could not cope with this. I had one baby when my dh did his board exams in medicine - no choice he had to do them then really. He had to study. I asked him what the pass mark was and told him if he got one mark over that, I would regard it as study time he stole from us. I was only half joking.

Does he realise how serious this is?

And next time your fil says anything say "actually he does fuck all with the kids now - it is all on me so you should be worried about ME burning out because he'll be in some trouble if/when I do"

I feel for you.

The other option you can ask him to "help" with is sort out a family budget and see if he can afford to buy in some of the help he can't give you:

• babysitter to help with bedtime?
• cleaner
• laundry service?

To be honest it might be easier when you go back to work because the childcare will be less relentless (you'll get some "child-free" time while you're working) so you might find it easier to cope with.

He needs to come up with a realistic study schedule that includes some of:

• doing bath/bedtime
• making dinner
• clearing up dinner
• doing childminder dropoff/pickup
• getting kids ready to leave the house

every day.

My first thought reading this was that it sounds like he measures his self worth on his academic and career accomplishments and when this is finished he will move onto the next thing.

I know you said in your op that when this degree was announced you understandably chalked it up to another flight of fancy that would never materialise. Does that mean you and he never sat down and talked about the logistics and how to balance study with family life? Or was it just expected that you pick up his share? It's not six months, it's years so did he just expect you to essentially be a single parent?

I totally get your point and why you've ended up feeling this but you have got this far. Imo you need to insist you have a serious chat and let him know that you fear your marriage isn't going to survive his degree and the effort he's putting in to get a first and subsequent unbearable stress head he becomes. Tell him there needs to be some compromise from him too. If he can't or won't do his bit then he needs to pay for a cleaner and childminder to give you a break.

I don't suppose when he's done he'd be happy for you to go and get a first class degree while he parented your children single handedly.

Haven’t RTFT but it seems crazy to do another degree at the same level that he already has. Why not do a PT masters over two years or take a year and do it FT? Employers will look at what your highest qualification is not how many undergraduate degrees you have surely?
Given the situation you are in now I think he has to finish it though. Then he needs to stop until the kids are more independent. Honestly, I’d be tempted to call his bluff on this and say that you’ll support him until his degree is finished and then you’re going to do some further qualifications and he can hold the fort for the following three years. See how he likes that.

I understand it’s hard, and yes you should discuss how he should balance his responsibilities

SHE should discuss how HE should "balance his responsibilies" Is there any way women are not made responsible for men? he has children - someone needs to rear them. He KNOWS this. he just thinks it should be their mother doing everything and he should do what he wants - and that what he wants is unnecessary study is pretty much the same as if it is golf or cycling or whatever.

I am in a very similar situation op. The difference is my dc is an adult. I work full time and am also on a masters course. DH is on a degree course that is very unlikely to lead to a career in the field or more money where he currently works, so its entirely for his own benefit. Mine is so I can earn more than the current crappy wage I am on.

I have found the whole experience very frustrating. DH is obsessed at getting a first, meaning he remains on the sofa with his laptop most of the weekend and evenings. This is ok, but I then end up sitting in the bedroom (house is small) so I don't disturb him. I am nearly 50 and too old for this way of living. In your situation it must be even worse.
I'd let him complete the degree on the understanding that he doesnt even consider another course until your children are much older and more independent.

I think he is taking the easy route out here TBH! He is covering his back by saying he "needs to study" Nice get out clause.He isnt going to the pub every night sure ,but all this study is taking him away from you and DC. He needs to see that you need help as well .If you have PND its on him for making you tired and resentful.I would go and stay with your DM and have a rest .Maybe tell him you need him here OW you will be leaving for good !

Good luck with the conversation later OP. I think you need to state where you are very clearly and in broad terms what you need. Don't get drawn too deeply into being the only person who can plan, find solutions, micro manage. He needs to take ownership of the solutions too. His family is imploding, what is he going to do about it?

In particular, don't allow this stalemate to develop:

OP "I'm struggling and I need more help"
OP DH "well my degree blah blah can't move this can't move that; my work blah blah blah can't move this can't move that; so what [shrug] can I do?"

It's not for you to fix the detail of how he finds help. he has to step up and find help.

The employer wouldn't pay for a "vanity degree" so there must be some reason why this is a sensible route to take.
I don't know if he's done it to check out of caring for the children but when he started the plan was 5 years part time and it changed to 3 years which has obviously made a massive difference and then a second child came along unexpectedly.

That said, it's obviously not working at all so you need to sit down together and come up with a plan as to how you are going to get through the next year.
Get childcare in place for your return to work. Insist on him paying for a cleaner and for any other help you might need.
If he doesn't want to discuss any of this then tell him you want a separation until the degree is over when you can reassess.

I'd also stop doing any tasks that are specifically to do with him. He can do his own laundry. He can cook for himself too. He can do any admin relating to him.

@Pallisers

I understand it’s hard, and yes you should discuss how he should balance his responsibilities

SHE should discuss how HE should "balance his responsibilies" Is there any way women are not made responsible for men? he has children - someone needs to rear them. He KNOWS this. he just thinks it should be their mother doing everything and he should do what he wants - and that what he wants is unnecessary study is pretty much the same as if it is golf or cycling or whatever.

“You” as in both of them

Blimey

Oh and make it absolutely clear that no masters degree will be happening in the near future. Absolutely not.

@SixesAndEights

He isn’t helping me because he’s doing an optional degree.

In your opinion. He doesn't think it's optional. He thinks (and his employer must agree otherwise they wouldn't have funded it) it will further his career.

I do feel for you OP, but you're so dismissive of him and that's unfair.

And there's nothing wrong with asking family for a helping hand whilst you're both going through this stressful and turbulent time. Even if your mum's working, a break at hers during term time would probably do you and husband a world of good. Obviously your mum will have some work to do herself but just having her to chat to in person for a week or two I imagine will have helped.

I’m returning to work myself in September and we both teach so aside from spending time with my Mum over the next month, I won’t have the opportunity again until half term really aside from the odd weekend I guess. It’s a 120 mile round trip as I mentioned previously so too far to just pop over casually really, especially with 2 young DC.

I don’t think I should rely on anyone else for help with children we both decided to have. Granted, DC2 was not planned in the same way DC1 was but we both always wanted 2 DC so that was probably going to happen at some point regardless, we just got out it out of the way sooner than we thought. We both made them regardless so should both be raising them imo, I don’t think it’s fair to lean on family members too much and have always tried not to do this. It may make me a martyr but I just think my Mum has had her time as a Mother and I want her to enjoy being a Grandma on her own terms, I don’t want to force my DC on her!

I’d honestly rather my DH just step up and help out more really. I can pay for a cleaner and possibly an au pair if necessary but I have a husband, I’m not a single Mum so I’d rather he just helped me out more.

@sloutside

Oh and make it absolutely clear that no masters degree will be happening in the near future. Absolutely not.

Put your foot down? Would it be ok for a husband to say that to his wife?

I work in a colony that funds ‘optional’ studies. They may not strictly relate to our field even or job but it’s for job satisfaction and personal growth.
The studies are subject to line management approval and some line managers are very easy going (not their money), and sign off anything and everything.

Our contracts however, have us tied to the company for two years post studies or we have to pay back the cost of studies in full. Too many employees studied and left.

The employer wouldn't pay for a "vanity degree" so there must be some reason why this is a sensible route to take.

There is in the sense it’s relevant to his field, it will further his knowledge in this field but it isn’t absolutely vital.

I also wanted to add that in my defence, I have listened to him talk to me a lot about his job over the years. He’s very passionate about it which is great but we have completely opposite jobs. His is very maths/science based, I teach English so quite opposite. I wouldn’t bore him to death discussing my students for hours and equally wouldn’t inflict an hour long conversation about Hemingway on him. He has inflicted many conversations about corrosion and other such things on me and I have listened and feigned interest. I don’t sit rolling my eyes at him constantly, I have always pretended to be interested.

The only reason I didn’t take him seriously with this initially is because he has a fickle nature and has had a lot of harebrained ideas over the years as I mentioned. I had to listen to him telling me he wanted to be an MP for long enough before it inevitably washed away and he forgot all about it. I seriously just thought this would be like that at the time, it all happened so fast.