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Original poster

A year in... intimacy on holiday

138 replies

costakid · 27/07/2021 06:56

Our first holiday on our own together. Getting on brilliantly . We are both exhausted from busy work/ kids lives . Both divorced . Both late forties . BUT..we've only really been intimate twice since Friday . He keeps nodding off at random hours . I feel neglected sexually . Plenty of hugs, kissing and hand holding but very little sexual interest from him as he is so tired .
I have been probably ' giving ' too much to the detriment of my own needs and wants but right now I feel like not bothering as it's a little one sided at the moment.
I've said this , he agrees that he's been too knackered to engage or more to the point reciprocate .. but made the effort afterwards . Am I being unreasonable here please ?

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 27/07/2021 06:59

How are things when you're not on holiday?

Original poster
costakid · 27/07/2021 07:03

We see each other each weekend and enjoy a great intimate life . My libido is through the roof after a largely sexless / coercive marriage . He is not fit, in the sense that he has a breathing issue and is often listless and breathless . I am the opposite in that I've lots of energy . I still feel a little neglected and undesired if I'm to be honest

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 27/07/2021 07:05

All that nodding off. Has he been tested for Diabetes lately?

omgthepain · 27/07/2021 07:09

Maybe he just has a much lower sex drive than you?
I have to say if I was on holiday to relax and have some downtime after a very busy life and I was being pestered for sex all the time, I'd be annoyed if I was tired and went for a break. I'd find it quite off putting.
Just take it easy and let him enjoy his break and let things flow naturally

Original poster
costakid · 27/07/2021 07:11

No he hasn't been tested for diabetes. He works long hours and this is his habit .
I am
Not pestering him but do feel that he has little interest in intimacy unless I am giving , so to speak .

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 27/07/2021 07:12

It's Tuesday... twice since Friday? I feel like I have a high sex drive but that's really not bad.

Have you had any therapy since your marriage? I'm not saying you're wrong to prioritise lots of sex and if you go looking for a partner on that basis its fine. Also differing general energy levels are quite an issue in any relationship. But variations in sex drive aren't necessarily controlling just because your marriage was.

LubaLuca · 27/07/2021 07:12

Good point re diabetes - he shouldn't be nodding off throughout the day.

Original poster
costakid · 27/07/2021 07:12

He also works from five am until five so his sleep pattern is completely different to mine so that is also an. Issue as he hasn't adjusted to ' holiday time '.

OP posts:
Original poster
costakid · 27/07/2021 07:15

I've had therapy . Perhaps I am making up for lost time ! I just feel somewhat rejected, neglected and that it's become all one sided . Perhaps I need to lay off a little.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 27/07/2021 07:17

Depends. If you feel neglected you feel neglected and I'm not saying you're wrong, but he might not mean it that way.

Carrott21 · 27/07/2021 07:18

Is he prioritising drinking alcohol over you and sex?

Original poster
costakid · 27/07/2021 07:20

He doesn't really drink alcohol so it's not that. He seems to be constantly tired .

OP posts:
Blueskytoday06 · 27/07/2021 07:23

Intimacy is not just sex. You say there are non sexual displays of affection but do you feel loved ? You can feel wanted desired attractive etc outside of nookie. Have you instigated ? Are the kids loitering which is putting him off? Did you know he has breathing problems when you met ? Do you have usually lots more sex or is the amount on holiday usual? Sorry lots of questions!!

Original poster
costakid · 27/07/2021 07:23

I know he would never deliberately hurt me or want me to feel that way and has acknowledged that he has been neglectful that way . I guess I just wanted to get an idea if I was being too pushy or my expecatTions too high for our age/ first holiday/ level of busyness .
I am now thinking that because I have been so attentive and giving sexually , that he doesn't feel the need to bother because his needs are being met ?

OP posts:
Original poster
costakid · 27/07/2021 07:25

I do feel loved and cherished . It's just us two. We hug/ kiss/ touch throughout each day.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/07/2021 07:25

It's only Tuesday Confused

Original poster
costakid · 27/07/2021 07:27

I knew he had breathing problems but they don't normally get in the way of sex. We enjoy intimacy on both nights/ mornings we spend together usually . This is our first holiday so I'm not quite sure what to expect anymore really!

OP posts:
MoreHairyThanScary · 27/07/2021 07:27

You say he has breathing issues does he have sleep apnea as that would leave him perpetually tired?

Original poster
costakid · 27/07/2021 07:29

He has been tested for sleep apnoea years ago but was inconclusive . He doesn't sleep well at night.

OP posts:
HighDudgeonAtBerks · 27/07/2021 07:30

If during sex you are spending all your time doing what he wants and you’re not having your needs met then that’s certainly unbalanced.

It’s hard to gauge how much is your feelings of rejection based on your past, and how much is an incompatibility between you.

Sometimes holidays are sexfilled shagfests and sometimes they’re lazy and recharging. If things are normally okay I wouldn’t worry. Though I’d make sure that you are both putting in the effort when it does happen, and it’s not just you.

ikeepseeingit · 27/07/2021 07:30

If his sleeping pattern has been disturbed and you’ve had sex twice in 5 days I honestly don’t think any of this is that unusual. I doubt that he’s sleeping so he can’t have sex with you. Maybe he is sleeping too much for it to be healthy, only you and him can be the judge of that. Try to relax alongside him, it sounds like you’ve worked yourself up mid-holiday so just try to enjoy your time and worry about the sleeping after you get back (unless you think it’s so bad it requires a&e)

MarcelineMissouri · 27/07/2021 07:30

It is Tuesday morning. So you’ve already had sex twice in 3 days. You are being very affectionate with each other and you feel loved and cherished? Sorry, but I think you are majorly overreacting here. What else is it you are looking for?

theemmadilemma · 27/07/2021 07:30

Test again for Apnea. Push him. The difference in my Partners energy levels is huge since he got his CPAP. I did have to push him, but he now admits he didn't know how he coped before always so tired.

MarcelineMissouri · 27/07/2021 07:31

Sorry, 4 days not 3.

BigFatLiar · 27/07/2021 07:33

While you normally see each other you have great intimate life.

Perhaps he sees a holiday as a time to wind down and rest, catch up on sleep and relax. Still got plenty of hugs and kisses and 'intimate' twice since Friday. Relax enjoy being together. You mention that you're 'giving' are you giving or are you taking? Perhaps as the holiday has really only just started he'd rather have a cuddle and a nap just now.