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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Waivering on my plans to leave DH

307 replies

namechangeat11pm · 27/07/2021 00:06

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

OP posts:
MidLifeResurgence74 · 04/08/2021 11:28

@namechangeat11pm just wanted to drop in and say I'm thinking of you. You have had such a terrible time and it must be so hard for you. He is controlling in the most insidious ways and it's horrendous for you. Life will be better for you once you are away from him. We're all here for you so please keep talking when you feel able.

myhairygoat · 06/08/2021 13:43

How are you OP? I'm thinking of you x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 13:43

Another person here thinking of you OP - hope you're doing OK WinkThanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/08/2021 13:44

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Another person here thinking of you OP - hope you're doing OK WinkThanks
Omg that wink was by accident and really creepy, sorry! Was meant to be just two lots of flowers! ThanksThanks
Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 07/08/2021 10:31

Thanks for checking in on me @myhairygoat @youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm okay, it's been a fairly uneventful week.

My Mum brought a huge tub of popcorn round for DH this week as a little treat for him and after she'd gone he threw it all into the bin because he said he didn't like it - it was just popcorn? He loves it normally and eats loads. Why would he do that? I don't know why he does such weird things sometimes. He's been being really nice to me still and I've just been keeping my head down and just trying to get through the next few weeks.

I did have a job interview this week though, so I've got my fingers crossed for that and I had had another the week before and I found out I didn't get it, but they gave me a lot of really good feedback, they said I'd been so close to getting it but just pipped to the post by an internal candidate, it was so weird to hear someone say such nice things about me, and it's given me a bit of a confidence boost to keep going.

OP posts:
Howmanyusernamesonmn · 07/08/2021 11:44

The Popcorn thing - this is dramatic nonsense for your benefit presumably. What an arse.

Glad to hear the interview was still useful @namechangeat11pm When someone is always awful to you - you forget how lovely it is to hear a compliment. Star

Orgasmagorical · 07/08/2021 13:59

He's on his best behaviour with you just now so he has to show you that he is disrespecting your mother.

I would imagine it must be very hurtful that your mum is still giving him treats after you have told her of some of his abuse Flowers. You haven't told her of your plans, have you?

Great to hear you had such good feedback from the interview, that's a real boost. Best of luck for the latest one. You're doing really well Smile

HappyWipings · 07/08/2021 18:46

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your job interview news op. Please do let us know if you have time.

Am glad you had some great feedback from your previous interview too.

colouringindoors · 07/08/2021 18:53

Oh well done on coming second and also keeping everything crossed for you. Keep on keeping on.

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 07/08/2021 23:17

@Orgasmagorical no I didn't tell her my plans, I'm just going to keep it to myself until I've moved. I think in regards to the treats... I think my Mum has learnt that it is better to be on his good side. He falls out with people easily, he wouldn't talk to her once for about a year because he didn't like something she said, I can't even remember what it was but it was something and nothing. It's easier to just let him get on with things unchallenged if she still wants to have a relationship with me.

Now I can see what's going on more clearly myself, I can see why I'm not close with my sisters anymore, I can see my Mum doing the same things that I do to placate him, and turning a blind eye to the things he says etc and I feel really guilty about it actually, that I've let him hurt other people that I care about and not just me.

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 07/08/2021 23:25

Please don't feel guilty. None of his behaviour is your fault.

Orgasmagorical · 08/08/2021 09:01

Agreed. He chooses to do what he does, you are not responsible for any of it. I'm glad you're not telling anyone your plans.

myhairygoat · 08/08/2021 10:53

Well done on the job interviews. It sounds like you are putting together really good applications and will get your job soon. Keep going. You are being really brave and proactive. We are all thinking of you x

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 08/08/2021 19:39

It’s been awful today. We’ve barely argued for a couple of years but we used to have really awful arguments about work, and it’s been like it today. It’s brought back all those old feelings and I feel like a quivering wreck. He just rants and repeats the same things over and over again, whether I apologise or provide a solution or what makes no difference. The atmosphere is awful and I feel like I’m scared to look at him.

I work for him and I’ve been working from home but he wants me to go back into the office. I hate it there so much, it’s this awful room in a building in the middle of a really unsafe bit of a different town. I went back there about this time last year, before the winter lockdowns came in and I was so stressed I ended up with physical symptoms and I’m so scared to go back there in case it happens again. I have been trying to tie up loose ends before I leave but I feel like I need to run away.

Ive also remembered that we’re supposed to be going away the bank holiday weekend and I really don’t want to go.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/08/2021 20:08

OP, that sounds just awful but do not be bullied by him.

Walk away, do not answer him.

Keep repeating I am not going to the office.

If you feel even slightly unsafe, ring the police.

MydogWillow · 09/08/2021 07:14

Keeping everything crossed for a successful job outcome OP. We'll done for the positive feedback from the other interview.

bitcheeky · 09/08/2021 07:44

Ranting and repeating his complaints whilst you try to find solutions… Making you do something that is making you mentally and sometimes physically ill.

He sounds like such a bully OP. He’s trying hard to push all your buttons isn’t he?

The Bank holiday… can you get COVID symptoms whilst at your mum’s house and have to stay there to isolate??

LameUsernameAvailable · 09/08/2021 08:13

Good luck OP. This must be so difficult fir you. You husband sounds truly awful.

billy1966 · 09/08/2021 08:26

Do not go on any break with him.
Feel unwell, whatever you have to do.

Tell him to go on his own.

He is appallingly abusive.

picklemewalnuts · 09/08/2021 08:31

Could you remind your sister of her concern about you, years ago? You need a bit of moral support at the moment, to get you through the next few weeks.

He's groomed the people around you, and you. Try and switch off from his manipulations, go along with it if you possibly can for an easier few weeks.

Twillow · 09/08/2021 09:39

The popcorn thing is significant.
If you had a normal relationship, it would be fine that he didin't like the popcorn - he'd probably say something like "It was so nice of your mum, but I'm not sure if I can eat this - tastes a bit weird? I'm going to throw it out but don't say anything to her!"
But it's not a normal relationship. So you are second-guessing - why is he doing that, is he in a mood with me, does he not like my mum now, is he trying to wind me up?

HappyWipings · 09/08/2021 11:15

Definitely keep refusing to go to the office. You clearly dont even need to , he's just trying to see if he can bully you for kicks.

Wrt the weekend away , I love a pps idea about covid symptoms. Develop your symptoms the day before you're due to leave and order a test meaning you can't go.

Hang on in there. These last couple of weeks will probably feel the most difficult.

Also , is there any way you can get away sooner? I forget if you've mentioned your mum's situation? Can she put you up on her sofa for a couple of weeks.

Just remember that he can't make you stay with him. He may act like he can , but he can't. The man has no legal right to your company. It's your life.

billy1966 · 09/08/2021 11:55

Remember the police station is always an option if you feel cornered.

All you have to do is walk in and ask to speak to someone about a coercive, abusive partner.

He is breaking the law everyday with you.

His actions are criminal.

He is a criminal.
Flowers

Orgasmagorical · 09/08/2021 12:23

He sounds like a dying fly, trying anything to keep his control of you.

Definitely do not go away with him. I don't want to sound melodramatic but if he does feel he is losing control there's no knowing what he might do. I speak from experience.

You are doing really well, namechange, but I really think Women's Aid could be such a help to you, especially just now, you are at the trickest stage Flowers

MydogWillow · 09/08/2021 14:29

Definitely don't go away. Unfortunately I think he will bully you out of a Covid excuse somehow though.

I may have got it wrong but won't you need the bank hols to pack and go? Will be the perfect opportunity if he's out of the way.

Your comment about working for him is interesting. Another control aspect?