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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Waivering on my plans to leave DH

307 replies

namechangeat11pm · 27/07/2021 00:06

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

OP posts:
polkadotpjs · 13/08/2021 06:17

I couldn't not reply
He won't let you wash your hair?
Some sentences jump out you from the book?
That's all you need to know. You sound so lovely and will get friends very very quickly once you're free of this cage. It is a cage.
See if you can indeed have keys earlier.
Or try WA again. Please. You are so nearly free.

KTB19 · 13/08/2021 06:42

@namechangeat11pm

I just can’t wait for it all to be over now, I can’t wait to just live my life of my own terms.

I have PCOS and every now and again I will have a really awful day with it, I was up half the night last night and I’m in so much pain at the minute. I need to take some co-codamol and go back to bed with a hot water bottle but I’m not allowed to until he’s left for work which won’t be for another hour and a half.

I’m so fed up, he’s so selfish and I feel really angry.

What would he do if you without saying a word, got up and had a shower or went to get your pain relief? Would he get physical do you think?

Just remember that if you feel your resolve wavering, remember that he will never change - he may be nice and do a bit of love bombing for a few weeks but at the end of the day, you just cant shine shit - he will never ever change. So hold on to that.

And if you need to be reminded of that, come onto your thread and read just how many people are rooting for you.

I shall certainly be raising a glass of wine to you on your first night of freedom.

MzHz · 13/08/2021 09:34

I’m so sorry you had such a bad night

To keep you motivated, remember this pain, imagine how you COULD have got up and taken co-codamol and got your hit water bottle if you were free of him

Perhaps if you’re feeling really brave in your mind’s eye, you could even imagine that MOST partners would get the co-codamol and hot water bottle FOR you…

My oh offered to stay home and look after me once because I had a cold - a pretty bad one, admittedly, but he’s running a mega multi million £ business!

I was stunned

My ex once stepped over me on the floor where I was weeping with exhaustion after a bad night, and he took himself off for a nap.

Even if you never met another man again, you’d be better off without this awful man in your life. That’s something you can change about your life and you’ve made all the decisions and soon you’ll be free.

We’re all cheering you on.

billy1966 · 13/08/2021 10:25

Anywhere is going to be better than where you are now.

Freedom is within your grasp.

As @MzHz so rightly advises, self soothe with the thoughts of freedom.

Not long now and you will be free from the horror of this man.

Have you contacted 101 to lodge your number.
To tell them you are fleeing domestic abuse?
To ask their advice.

Please do this.
Flowers

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 13/08/2021 21:58

I think I’ve been spending a lot of time just thinking about how things will be, I keep browsing home websites and just imagining how I could decorate once I’m on my feet, when I first was thinking about leaving I worried about having no one to take care of me if I needed it, but now I feel like actually I will at least be able to take care of myself. If I was on my own and had a night like last night, when I woke up at 5am I would have got a hot water bottle and taken some painkillers straight away and gone back to sleep and probably woke up feeling okay at 7am ready for work. But the situation as is, I woke up at 5am and was immediately thinking about how I couldn’t go back to sleep because I’d have to be up again in half an hour to make his breakfast and packed lunch etc etc.

@billy1966 thank you, yes, I’ve logged my number with them.

OP posts:
bitcheeky · 13/08/2021 22:36

Your life is going to change for the better OP. Bought this particular tee shirt. You’ll be enjoying your new life & he can’t take that away.

Any chance you can get away sooner??

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 13/08/2021 22:45

@bitcheeky I’m trying to see what I can do about leaving earlier, the place I’m moving to they said I can’t move in earlier and in fact they might have to push me back by a week, so I’m seeing if I can find somewhere else or trying to think what else I could do. I’ve been asked to interview for another job today, and I’m still waiting to hear back from one, so if I do get either (fingers crossed!) it will give me some other options as well.

OP posts:
bitcheeky · 13/08/2021 22:47

All sounds promising OP.

Every bit of effort now will be worth the freedom. Priceless.

greyinganddecaying · 13/08/2021 22:50

OP - I'm so pleased you're seeing him for what he is & looking forward to getting out.

Would it help to make plans and slowly move stuff out without him noticing? Things he won't miss, winter clothes, documents etc? You could hire a storage place for a few weeks to keep your things, then if you feel desperate to get out you could go and stay with someone until your new place is ready.

billy1966 · 13/08/2021 23:10

OP, well, well done.

You are sounding so strong and are rightly realising thatbyou don't need him.

You are well and truly able to take care of yourself and make the right decisions for yourself.

Well done for logging your number.

Continue to check out other options.

Keep posting.
So rooting for you.Flowers

Grimsknee · 14/08/2021 00:44

I keep checking this thread because I'm so keen to see your first post from your own place OP. I think you're amazing.

magicalmama · 14/08/2021 01:33

There is a classic psychological pattern to get people addicted to something called intermittent reward.

There are a couple of paragraphs about it on Wikipedia that I really think you should read:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumaticbonding#Intermittentt_reinforcement

By "rewarding" people for desired behaviour only some of the time, and being unpredictable - sometimes meting out punishment and cruelty and sometimes a reward like being really nice in response to something - humans get more addicted to something or somebody, than if that person was just nice to them all the time.

And your husband is doing it to you.

It's a classic pattern of abuse and manipulation in abusive relationships. The abused partner can never be sure if their behaviour will result in their partner being angry with them, so they are constantly trying to please them and at their mercy. People around them think "how can't this person let them do that?" and even the abused person doesn't know why they stay, but they're in love, they keep giving more chances... and they keep staying.

Knowledge is power. You are just being manipulated by someone who is using this technique to control you. It's the tool of an abuser. Please see through his behaviour for what it is and use this knowledge to help his toxic control methods have less power over you. Being nice to you again is part of the trick. It wouldn't work if he was only ever horrible to you. He's using the niceness as part of how he controls you.
He might even have got wind of your plans to leave and realised he needs to do something to keep you under his power.

But that's all it is - his egotistical need to exercise power over you. He's not really being nice. He's using the same technique casinos use to keep people coming back to slot machines or that Facebook uses to keep people scrolling, or that every little addictive game ever uses to keep people hooked to the screen.

Intermittent reward. You're being tricked. Notice the pattern, and get as far away as you can.

magicalmama · 14/08/2021 01:34

I just saw your update. Glad you're getting out of there! Good luck!!

PopcornMuncher · 14/08/2021 07:41

He sounds awful. Rooting for you and like pp looking forward to your "I'm free" post from your new house with your glass of wine and ability to have a bath any time you want. Hell, you could have a glass of wine IN the bath Grin

Spiderseatpants · 14/08/2021 14:37

Oh love, my heart is going out to you. You sound absolutely lovely but you've been treated badly all your life (not by your Dad) first by your mum then this 'man' and you've come to accept it as your worth - in fact you've gone and married your mum. Women do that.

Your Dad was completely right, and even if he's gone, wherever he is now, he'll be able to see exactly what your relationship is like and will be your biggest cheerleader. If you try hard, you might very well be able to spot his spirit walking beside you. He could see how much more you deserved, and the people who you've used as a soundboard to check whether or not your relationship is ok are the worst ones you could have picked. Your mum thinks that treatment's ok, as he is carrying on in her footsteps, so ignore her opinion; and his relations aren't going to realise its unhealthy given where they've come from. Your friend too, is just trying to reassure you - I don't imagine you told her about the bath and him fouling the air just before your allotted time did you.

You are worth SO MUCH MORE than he could ever be in 500 lifetimes. He isn't fit to look at you. Really. (I'm a mum so I'm always right and it is ok to believe me.) If I were you I would write down all the bad stuff and draw pictures of him and scribble him out - reduce him/his influence in your mind and let the anger rise to the surface and it will see you through the terror. DON'T let him find them, destroy them immediately but it might be a technique when you are free? Write down things like 'it is NORMAL to have a bath when I want one!' etc etc. Be wary of him. Don't park your car close to where you move as he could come across it? I'd be a bit worried about that. I really wish I could come and rescue you. You will be a huge success on your own and blossom once you are free and safe. You are entitled to reach for everything and anything you want. You're entitled to want anything! Forget this Husband number One. Become the woman your father could see. xx

qwertyuiop098 · 14/08/2021 17:08

Good for you OP that sounds great! Thinking of you and sending you strength

HazelBite · 14/08/2021 19:51

I keep checking in on this thread to see if you are away yet. I was briefly married to a man who would throw his toys out of his pram if I didn't do exactly what he wanted, when he wanted. I won't go into all the gory details, but the relief once I was rid was immense.
Just hold your nerve and look forward, its all going to be okay Flowers

blinkinblimey · 16/08/2021 10:34

Not much longer OP.
Thinking of you.

billy1966 · 16/08/2021 17:18

Hoping you are doing ok.

LanaDelBoy · 16/08/2021 17:47

Best of luck op.
You are clearly intelligent, literate, can write well and have a good amount of insight - I'd employ you!

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 18/08/2021 15:51

Just found out I didn’t get the interview I had a couple of weeks ago. I’m so gutted! The feedback was that I’d met the required standard but they couldn’t offer me a job. Does anyone know what does that mean - that I passed the interview and in theory would have been offered a job but someone else also passed it but with a higher score than mine?

OP posts:
greyinganddecaying · 18/08/2021 16:27

@namechangeat11pm

Just found out I didn’t get the interview I had a couple of weeks ago. I’m so gutted! The feedback was that I’d met the required standard but they couldn’t offer me a job. Does anyone know what does that mean - that I passed the interview and in theory would have been offered a job but someone else also passed it but with a higher score than mine?

So sorry OP, how disappointing. I'm not sure what that feedback means, can you contact them again and ask for clarification?

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 18/08/2021 16:52

I don’t think I can, I don’t have a direct contact unfortunately. I’ve been put onto a reserves list.

OP posts:
namechange3344 · 18/08/2021 17:09

@namechangeat11pm if you've been put on the reserve there's still a good chance you'll be offered something - it doesn't mean you've been unsuccessful. I was put on the reserve for both my last jobs and was offered both - one after a few weeks, this one after 7 months

MzHz · 18/08/2021 22:25

Don’t lose heart! This stuff takes time! You will absolutely get there

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