Waivering on my plans to leave DH

[namechangeat11pm]

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

I’ve been refusing to go back to the office but that’s why it escalated into such an awful day yesterday. I went back today, I decided that it’s not worth the arguments when I am counting down anyway. I think it’s probably better to just go along with things and not make any issues. I’m trying to find out if there’s any chance I could get the keys to my new place before the bank holiday, I should find out tomorrow as I’m not supposed to get them until after. Thank you to those who have wished me well about my job hunt.

Fingers crossed!

@MydogWillow yes work is definitely something he controls. He has been self employed basically since finishing an apprenticeship but he has always had me do all the paperwork side of things. When it got to a point he needed proper part time help, I said I didn’t want to do it and he needed to get someone else which he agreed to in theory. I was at Uni at the time and also working part time as we needed the money, and it got to a point where he bullied me into working part time for him officially and it was too much, my other part time job was quite demanding and it ended up being Uni that I couldn’t keep up with so dropped out. I carried on working in my job (which I really liked) and he pushed me into giving that up too. I kept trying to fight him on it and I tried to dig my heels in but he’s honestly just relentless. He does give me money for working but I’m not allowed to leave and I have to be available at all times for work related things and I hate it, it’s miserable.

He is an absolute horror OP.

Please contact the police and log your number as a woman planning to flee a highly abusive relationship.

Once they have your number logged they should come to you as a priority if you call.

Would you tell the landlord you are under pressure to move?

You are in my thoughts

I'm so sorry you had to give up Uni too. The more you say, the more it hideous it is, impacting on literally every single aspect of your life.

@billy1966

He is an absolute horror OP.

Please contact the police and log your number as a woman planning to flee a highly abusive relationship.

Once they have your number logged they should come to you as a priority if you call.

Would you tell the landlord you are under pressure to move?

You are in my thoughts

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

God he’s trying to treat you like a slave.

You are clearly so strong and determined to have arranged an escape route for yourself. This man is in every area of your life trying to control you, it can’t be underestimated how difficult it is to break away from that.

You have done so amazingly well to get a plan in action, job interviews lined up, pushing on, when all this is going on in the background and you’re doing all this without support.

Hats off to you OP, you are an absolute warrior. Not long now, hang in there. You can do it

I left a man similar to this

He ended up with me living thousands of miles from home, lost everyone and everything I knew, in a godforsaken hole of a country with a whole population of arseholes, all on the look out for a way to cause trouble or extract money, racists, misogynists, awful. The only place in the world that a nuclear bomb would be the best thing for.

I ended up finding 1 friend, I’m still friends with her 10 years after the dick head left and there isn’t a day that has passed where I would have been better off with him

I can do what I want, say what I want, laugh as loudly as I want, have friends, leave my house, have a hobby, enjoy life

I’m also extremely happily married to someone who’s beyond wildest dreams level successful and he absolutely adores me and all he wants in life is to help me know how amazing/beautiful/clever/kind I am (yeah…. That’s a work in progress, I’ll never see that in myself)

If you stay with this man your life will only ever be miserable, you’ll never see the things or people you want to see, you’ll never travel to places you want to visit, study or work at what you want to.

You have no ties to this man, I can’t emphasise how important this is. You can walk out and never ever look back.

I know that fear you have

My ex was going back to his (godforsaken hole) country and the ultimatum was “behave or I’ll leave you”

I knew by then thanks to mumsnet that I was in a seriously abusive relationship and that if I buckled I’d lose all the freedoms id regained by coming home, and my life would shrink to nothing.

I said to him that I wasn’t going to “behave”

So he prepared to leave. I felt sick. Sick to the core (I’d got agoraphobia too because of life in his country) I was terrified of everything and everyone

I wouldn’t ever look a man in the face, would walk with my eyes cast down.

I knew I’d lied to everyone about him, to make things look better. I then realised that the truth would literally set me free.

I imagined this:

I am standing on a beach. In front of the waves. There is a huge tidal wave coming, it’s going to crash on me, over me and past me. I’m holding onto a mast. This mast is truth, and it will hold.

All I had to do was to have faith that the wave would crash, I’d not lose my grip and when the wave passes, the water will be calm. I’ll be ok.

I’m sharing that with you hoping that you too can find your mast to lash onto, that the wave will pass you and you’ll be put the other side and free.

We’ll all be here for you for as long as you need it now and one the other side.

What a horrible situation.... Someone earlier mentioned temping as a way forward.. Quite often, once you are "in" with the agency you will get offered 3-6 months contracts, maternity leave contracts etc. I found it a great way to build confidence and make friends knowing I had a get-out date if needed. I often got offered permanent roles too. I really think you need to put your bag of essentials somewhere safe. If your sister is not convinced by this man's act she may help you even if you are not close. You might be surprised.. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get out of there soon. And, yes, I would register with the police too in case he kicks off once you leave.

Good luck with the interviews and job hunts op. I've been following your posts and really glad you have got an exit plan.

Your H is awful - the idea that you need to ask permission to get a job in 2021. I'm sure you'll fell so much lighter once you w moved out and are on your own.

@MzHz

I know that fear you have

My ex was going back to his (godforsaken hole) country and the ultimatum was “behave or I’ll leave you”

I knew by then thanks to mumsnet that I was in a seriously abusive relationship and that if I buckled I’d lose all the freedoms id regained by coming home, and my life would shrink to nothing.

I said to him that I wasn’t going to “behave”

So he prepared to leave. I felt sick. Sick to the core (I’d got agoraphobia too because of life in his country) I was terrified of everything and everyone

I wouldn’t ever look a man in the face, would walk with my eyes cast down.

I knew I’d lied to everyone about him, to make things look better. I then realised that the truth would literally set me free.

I imagined this:

I am standing on a beach. In front of the waves. There is a huge tidal wave coming, it’s going to crash on me, over me and past me. I’m holding onto a mast. This mast is truth, and it will hold.

All I had to do was to have faith that the wave would crash, I’d not lose my grip and when the wave passes, the water will be calm. I’ll be ok.

I’m sharing that with you hoping that you too can find your mast to lash onto, that the wave will pass you and you’ll be put the other side and free.

We’ll all be here for you for as long as you need it now and one the other side.

Great post and visualisation 👍

Thank you for sharing and for the visualisation @MzHz, I’m glad you managed to meet someone lovely. I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you said, I feel like I’m scared of everything and everyone too. I’m not agoraphobic but I think if I stayed I might end up down that path, although I’m sure Covid hasn’t helped with that either for me to be fair.

I’ve also lied a lot to people, when I think back on all the things I’ve said it’s ridiculous, things like saying I didn’t like drinking so I would have an excuse to not go out with friends or so we could leave very early, but it was all him. The first thing I’m going to do when I’ve left is pour myself a big glass of wine!

Great visualisation OP, a large glass of wine uninterrupted by anyone.

Hang on to that.

Do not worry about the excuses you gave to people.
You have been controlled by a highly abusive man.

@namechangeat11pm

The first thing I’m going to do when I’ve left is pour myself a big glass of wine!

What a nice thing to look forward to!

I hope you enjoy your glass of wine, OP. Take your time over it, savour it. My best wishes for a better future. 🌹

I used to drink a bottle of wine over a week (when I was back here)

He told me that I was an alcoholic

I knew I wasn’t

I told my therapist that it made more sense to have a wine box cos then the wine would stay fresher and I’d feel less pressure to finish it

But I was worried what the ex would think

When the ex left, I bought a wine box :) therapist was dead proud

I’m not an alcoholic, never was, never will be … 10 glorious years on.

Before I met my lovely oh, I saved up and took my ds on holidays to wales and Spain and Portugal, nothing flash, I had very little, but these are things I would NEVER have been able to to under Exes regime.

Focus on your life AFTER you’re free, focus on your destination and don’t let anyone or anything divert you from this

We are ALL here with you and for you.

We lie to ourselves, we lie to others

My ex would tell my friend lies about me so I’d lose her
I never lost her.

I said to him once (and this will out me completely to those who know me)

“To make me look bad, you have to lie. For me to make YOU look bad, all I have to do is tell the truth”

I hope this helps you. I sincerely wish you every happiness in the world. It’s there…

@namechangeat11pm

Thank you for sharing and for the visualisation *@MzHz*, I’m glad you managed to meet someone lovely. I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you said, I feel like I’m scared of everything and everyone too. I’m not agoraphobic but I think if I stayed I might end up down that path, although I’m sure Covid hasn’t helped with that either for me to be fair.

I’ve also lied a lot to people, when I think back on all the things I’ve said it’s ridiculous, things like saying I didn’t like drinking so I would have an excuse to not go out with friends or so we could leave very early, but it was all him. The first thing I’m going to do when I’ve left is pour myself a big glass of wine!

I have been following your posts and just want you to know that I really hope you see this through and leave him.

I cant imagine how hard it must be to pluck up the courage to leave someone like this and it's often the less scarier option to stick with what you know.

But you know what? I reckon just by you writing this all down on here and talking about it, that you are strong enough to take the next step. I am horrified, shocked and disgusted at how controlling he is and how damaging he is to your mental health. Now this is on him and not you, it's not your fault he is a controlling bastard.

You just keep your head down - the end is in sight. Try and keep in mind, all the nice things that you are going to be able to do once you are free. But also remember that you will NEVER be free while you are with him and he wont change his behaviour. But you can certainly change your outcome and future yourself.

You can wash your hair every day if you like, drink wine every day, maybe do a correspondence course or who knows, in the future even go back to Uni. The rest of your life will start once you are free from him.

And you are not alone either, because there is so much support on MN.

Please stay strong - the end is in sight and so is your freedom, good mental health and all the nice things that are within your grasp.

Keep us updated.

I think I remember you op from earlier thinking about leaving. I really hope this is it for you and you can sneak out successfully and never go back.

Oh lovely, keep all those images of your new life in your mind - that glass of set of front door keys that no one else has a set of, being able to go out / stay in as you please, wear what you like, choose whatever you want to work and what you want to do.

You can absolutely do this xxx

Keep going OP ⚘⚘⚘

I'm counting down for you OP! Hang in there

How is it going OP? We’re all rooting for you

Rooting for you. Freedom isn’t far away.

I just can’t wait for it all to be over now, I can’t wait to just live my life of my own terms.

I have PCOS and every now and again I will have a really awful day with it, I was up half the night last night and I’m in so much pain at the minute. I need to take some co-codamol and go back to bed with a hot water bottle but I’m not allowed to until he’s left for work which won’t be for another hour and a half.

I’m so fed up, he’s so selfish and I feel really angry.