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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Waivering on my plans to leave DH

307 replies

namechangeat11pm · 27/07/2021 00:06

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 01/08/2021 23:00

@FunMcCool It's a complicated relationship with my sister. We're not very close and while I think she would do her best to support me, I don't know if she could practically, and she is so busy and happy it's difficult to ever spend any time with her to even talk to her and I wouldn't want to burden her.

OP posts:
FunMcCool · 02/08/2021 07:20

@namechangeat11pm

Reach out to her, you may be surprised. He’s convinced you you would have no one and nothing without him. Try your sister.

sallyanne33 · 02/08/2021 08:50

Hi OP. I’ve been lurking on your thread and I just wanted to say I think you’re so brave and strong, please don’t waver. What really shocked me from your posts was the thing about the bath, not even giving you a time to the minute that you could get in it, although that was shocking, but him running up there to have a shit in the bathroom at that exact time, even though you have two bathrooms. I can’t get over how contemptuous that is. Can you see how gleeful he was, how much he enjoyed spoiling that small pleasure you wanted to have? That shows you so so clearly that this man doesn’t love you, in fact he hates you, he just enjoys squashing and humiliating you. No matter your shared history, you can't stay with someone who treats you like that. If you have a wobble between now and the flat being ready, really think about that and what staying with him would mean for your life. You deserve so much better. I also agree with pp that you should leave now if at all possible while you have the momentum, either go to a refuge or stay in a cheap Airbnb if you can afford it, even your sister’s sofa? Good luck to you lady, everyone here is rooting for you.

RandomMess · 02/08/2021 10:57

The whole bath thing really is beyond awful and humiliating.

Your sister may not be able to help practically but at least give her the chance to support you in whatever way you can.

If he is a narcissist then he is not capable of loving you and he certainly never acts in a loving way.

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 02/08/2021 11:54

@sallyanne33 it was awful, I can see that. I don't know if he did it to push the time I went to being as late as possible, which is what he originally wanted. Or if he just wanted to spoil it for me. Or both. But it is definitely humiliating, that's how I felt. The awful thing is, I often end up not washing my hair for a week, two weeks, ten days at a time because it's just not worth it, or he says no etc. That's so embarassing to admit but it's true.

OP posts:
smartiecake · 02/08/2021 12:13

@namechangeat11pm I have been on MN for 15 years and your thread is one of the most chilling I have ever read.
Its absolutely horrendous. Please don't waiver, or question whether you are doing the right thing. Please continue with your plan to leave. Start to make plans for looking for and applying for jobs/benefits in the next few weeks. Speak to womens aid. Get as much support as you can.
Everything you say about your husband shows how much he wants to humiliate you and how much perverse pleasure he gets from controlling you.
Please please continue with your plans to leave. And never ever go back. I hope you can rebuild your self worth and relationships with family and friends Flowers

sallyanne33 · 02/08/2021 12:15

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, the shame is all his. That is really quite an extreme level of control, telling you when you are allowed to wash your hair. Literally what difference does that make to him? None whatsoever. He just gets off on controlling your every move. You must feel like you’re in prison. Please please get out of there as soon as you can. You’ve done amazingly well to get your plans in place, once you’re free I’m quite sure you’ll absolutely thrive.

TheSilveryPussycat · 02/08/2021 12:20

I wouldn't want to burden her.

Don't you think she might find it worse to realise you did not lean on her at your time of need?

And it won't be a burden for her, as such, you are imagining her feeling as burdened as you are.

randomwomen · 02/08/2021 12:53

I remember you OP. You have come so far. You have realised how he is, reached out for help and now have a place to move into. You are doing brilliantly.

Go. It will absolutely be the best thing. You're life is his, now yours. Once you leave your life will be your own. You will be able to do the simple things everyone else takes for granted, wash your hair when you want, wake up when you want - have a lie in if you want, get a job, go to the cinema, there is a whole life for you. And you have had the strength to put it in place.
Go.

intothewoodss · 02/08/2021 13:01

I remember you OP and I am absolutely rooting for you and the new life you so nearly have in your grasp. If we can help get you over that finish line then I am more than happy to be your cheerleader.

MydogWillow · 02/08/2021 14:14

OP, I have no doubt that what you have mentioned is just the tip of the iceberg. It's chilling.

You have strength to make this happen and your life will be transformed.

If you don't find permanent work immediately, try temping to get you through until something comes along. It will also give you flexibility to take time off if you need to sort things out. While the pay isn't great, the temping work very often turns into permanent work if you show you can shine. You also get a heads up when other posts become available within the company.

Good luck OP, I wish you all the very best in your new life. It will be amazing.

billy1966 · 02/08/2021 14:26

OP,
You sound so lovely but believe me I cannot stress tobyou how much this man is abusing you.

If you were to walk into a police station and ask to speak to someone about Coercive control and your husband and told your story of how he controls when and if you wash, they will help you.

He is a criminal.
He really is.

Please consider going into a police station and also ringing Women's aid for support.

Flowers
Orgasmagorical · 02/08/2021 14:32

I was just thinking, namechange, that you really would be better to have professional support because leaving the abuser is the most dangerous time for their victim. I can't remember if you said he has been physically abusive in the past or not but he will be very offended that you have the audacity to leave the wonderful him and there's no knowing what he might do.

Have you had a reply to your email?

Dancedancedancedancedance · 02/08/2021 14:38

If you were my sister I’d be heartbroken if I thought I could have helped you in anyway but you felt you couldn’t ask ...

HappyWipings · 02/08/2021 16:19

The not washing your hair thing is unfortunately not unusual in your situation op. I had something similar , in that in the month before I left exh I had no moisturiser as he made sure I had no access to money to replace my finished pot. The lengths these people will go to to make you feel like crap is astonishing.

colouringindoors · 02/08/2021 16:59

Hi OP I hope you get a helpful response from Women's Aid. I also want to tell you that you are doing really well to have got this far, and to encourage you to keep going with your plan. We are all rooting for you and are here as long as you need us ❤

AhNowTed · 02/08/2021 19:15

My god. He gets off on controlling every little thing you do.

He fucking loves the "can I" and giving or denying permission. Like you're a child.

The bath thing is just fucking weird.

He loves the power. It's so pathetic.

I don't know how you bear to look at him.

There is something sinister and wrong with him, and OP you will never fix it.

I hope you leave and live the rest of your life as the self-determined human being that you are.

Twillow · 02/08/2021 21:11

That's so interesting about being empathic. My ex was certainly very similar in the way you say, not so much that he thought he was always right but that he felt so free to comment on how everyone else was doing the wrong thing. To a ridiculous extent at times - making a stranger cry on holiday, a professional getting fed up with him and putting the phone down after half an hour - all him just feeling he was making a valid point...
I later learned about codependency - where one person's needs are being met as the other acts as a caretaker and is also taken advantage of to create the cycle. It helped me stop and think about how I tended to act, as a naturally kind and caring person, and it got me nowhere!

love15 · 02/08/2021 22:55
Daffodil
Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 03/08/2021 16:56

@Twillow yes that does sound similar, this is what he's like. He will jump into any conversation with anyone and correct what they're saying and tell them why they're wrong, and really hammer on about it. Even if someone is visibly getting upset or it is offensive to them. He just doesn't care, he has to be "right". He never has a nice word to say about anything or anyone. He has colleagues that he occasionally spends time with but he doesn't have any friends and is NC with all his family for various reasons.

I've been reading about codependency and I'm not sure that it really fits in our case or not, I feel like I am a caring person and he maybe exploits that, but I feel like I don't do the "caring" things I do in our relationship because I want to care for him, I feel like I've been forced into this role by him wanting to be cared for, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 03/08/2021 17:05

Yes. Perfect sense!

Orgasmagorical · 03/08/2021 20:14

I feel like I've been forced into this role by him wanting to be cared for, if that makes sense?

Yes, he's groomed you.

Original poster
namechangeat11pm · 03/08/2021 21:42

@Orgasmagorical grooming, really? Can I ask what makes you say that?

OP posts:
Twillow · 03/08/2021 21:46

Oh yes, definitely an exploitative caring. And feeling awful for doing it too.

I wonder if it would help you find your feet a little to start imagining how you want to live in the future - get a vision of your life to come where you can decide on the spur of the moment to have a bath, and stay in there as long as possible: where you wander round the shops smelling all the shampoos and choosing one; where you have a pet or buy yourself flowers or take on a challenge like a sponsored hike. You know this current life is not what anyone deserves and you have got so tangled up in it it's scary to imagine being free. But you can do it, if I did!

Orgasmagorical · 04/08/2021 08:53

[quote namechangeat11pm]@Orgasmagorical grooming, really? Can I ask what makes you say that?[/quote]
It was the word my WA support worker used to describe what my husband had been doing to me - groomed me to accept his abuse. Trained me, brainwashed me, call it what you will, it's about making sure you are in such a position that you accept their obviously abusive behaviour.

It's why people on the outside can easily see what they're doing (in threads like this, not so much in RL because it's usually hidden behind closed doors) but their victims rarely do, until the penny drops.