Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU to want him to cancel this holiday?

166 replies

AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 19:35

Have been with DP 4 years. We started talking about getting married about 2 years in but he got cold feet and ended the relationship.

I was heartbroken but accepted we were over.

Six months went by with in and off contact then the pandemic hit. He asked if I would bubble with him and though I was very wary, it was such a strange time and I didn’t have family nearby that I could bubble with so I agreed.

We had the most amazing time bubbled together, living together which we hadn’t done before. He proposed about 6 months ago and we are now engaged.

So we’ve been planning the wedding which we’re hoping will be next March.

Last night we were talking about where to go in honeymoon and I said a place I’ve always wanted to go to as the ultimate romantic destination. Then he dropped the bombshell that when we were broken up, he had agreed to go to this destination with his best mate, his wife and their children once Covid allowed.

They haven’t booked it yet but he’s adamant about not letting them down. Part of the issue is that he had agreed to pay half for the air bnb.

But my heart is absolutely set on this as our honeymoon destination and I’ve always dreamed that it would be a once in a lifetime trip with the man I love.

AIBU to want him to cancel his holiday? I am happy to cover what he would have paid to his friend.

OP posts:

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 28/07/2021 19:06

Ditch him. He's a selfish twat.

Original poster

AmITheAsshole · 29/07/2021 18:21

You have had some pretty sound advice. Why settle for a man that will always put you second in priority to what he wants to do. When you marry someone, they should be happy to commit to building sand castles in Jaywick if that is what their spouse requests. Forget the wedding and the novelty of being married or getting married. Think long term and ask yourself if you want to spend your life with a man who may continually change his mind about you, and won't even put your needs first for a holiday that isn't booked yet. Run..

I tried to say all of this to him last night but it seems we are miles apart. He said he felt too guilty about letting his mate’s wife down as she had become important to him too. Seems that when we were broken up he confided in them both and they gave him a lot of support.

That explains why they don’t like me very much as they’ll have got a one sided version of events from him about our problems.

He still doesn’t see that he’s now putting her needs ahead of mine and ours as a couple.
Plus mate’s wife is very good at laying on the emotional blackmail. I’ve seen it myself. She gets all upset and weepy but plays the martyr and the men end up doing what she wants because they feel so guilty and bad.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 29/07/2021 20:27

Why the hell are you arguing the toss over this.

What's the point of winning the point morally when you end up losing in life if he won't aknowledge your feelings.

Tell him to shack up with them, if he puts her first and she expects it, what chance is there ever going to be of having a fair reasonable relationship with him.

He sounds a weak willed idiot if she dictates what happens going forward.

Why on earth would you want this turd, who doesn't put you first.

It's not even worth arguing about.
Get rid.

backtoworkigooo · 29/07/2021 20:56

When it's the right man it really shouldn't be this hard

WallaceinAnderland · 29/07/2021 21:33

He said he felt too guilty about letting his mate’s wife down as she had become important to him too. Seems that when we were broken up he confided in them both and they gave him a lot of support.

He may have a point here. We are only hearing one side of the story.

Onthedunes · 29/07/2021 23:51

@WallaceinAnderland

He may have a point here. We are only hearing one side of the story.

So bloody what......

He ended the relationship, she was heartbroken, how did he confide in them ? smear campaign.

He dicarded her, and then got support from this couple, how lovely for op. She must feel like the complete outsider and now he further insults her by putting this couple before her when he should be moving heaven on earth to regain op's trust in him, that he will not abandon her again.

Rubbish, he's an areshole.

Timetoreflect · 30/07/2021 00:20

He’s having sex with his mate’s wife. The mate knows and participates. That’s the dynamic

Onthedunes · 30/07/2021 00:36

@Timetoreflect

That did cross my mind, albeit not with the husband though.

MarianneUnfaithful · 30/07/2021 02:50

I just can’t imagine being the wife in this situation and finding it desperately important that my DH’s best friend accompany us on our family holiday of a lifetime.

I can imagine that when ‘supporting’ him through the break up that he instigated they said ‘oh you must come on hol with us if that would cheer you up’ and then would fully expect the arrangement to lapse when he gets engaged.

How are his social skills? Does he recognise that this is unusual? Does he doggedly stick to plans whenever circumstances change? Is he sensitive and perceptive?

TheNewBlack · 30/07/2021 03:59

Oh OP, This is the kind of thing my ex would have done…developed a kind of intense and close friendship with another person, confiding in them about his feelings then putting their needs ahead of mine. It’s like he feels he ‘has’ you by getting engaged to you so doesn’t have to try any more. His effort and energy then gets channelled elsewhere because he has achieved what he needs from you.

If he isn’t willing to put your needs above his friends’ needs over a holiday that isn’t booked yet then there is no way he will put your needs first in your marriage. There will always be something or someone he will find more important. Worse still he will make out that you are the unreasonable one, that it is you being needy and that his needs / his friends’ needs trump yours. If he is so weak as to fall for this woman’s emotional blackmail then he isn’t strong enough for marriage. If he has bad-mouthed you to them, even when you broke up, then he isn’t strong enough for marriage. It is disrespectful.

Please don’t let yourself be dragged along as the least important one in your marriage. The dynamic you describe won’t end here. It is bizarre that he is tagging along on their holiday. It is bizarre that he feels he can’t say ‘Sorry friends, you are both important to me but I have other plans’. It is bizarre that he thinks they won’t respect that. I echo @MarianneUnfaithful in asking about his social skills because he doesn’t seem to ‘get’ how to manage friendships and his boundaries are blurred.

I was where you are some years ago and I wish I had walked away. He has set you up against his friends as though you need to compete with them for his affection. He will resent you if you assert your needs or challenge him. This isn’t right.

You don’t deserve a lifetime of this. It will keep on happening. Run.

MsDogLady · 30/07/2021 05:52

He has developed an unhealthy emotional enmeshment with this woman and his primary loyalty is now with her. You are secondary.

It is outrageous that he is prioritizing jetting off with her and her family to your dream destination. He would rather disappoint you than disappoint her.

Take this conflict as a huge flashing warning. He is underinvested and undercommitted, and is channeling his emotional energy elsewhere. I would walk away asap.

MiddleParking · 30/07/2021 06:33

Your boyfriend and his mate and wife all sound creepy as fuck and horrible users to boot. Plus yeah, if they’re genuinely planning for him to go on holiday with them to a romantic destination and pay more than his share of it and leave his fiancée/wife at home, plus the wife makes her dislike of said fiancée known, then I’d also assume there’s some weird sexual dynamic going on on top. Ew. Don’t continue to plan to marry him, he’s grim and he doesn’t love you (and it sounds like you feel he’s already got one foot out the door again anyway!)

rainbowstardrops · 30/07/2021 06:43

I'm sorry but if my fiancé prioritised the thoughts and feelings of a friend's wife over me, especially in this situation, he'd be shown the door. YOU should be his priority, not her!
I'd think long and hard OP.

TheNewBlack · 30/07/2021 07:49

PS. If his best friends don’t like you very much because of what he has told them about you during your break up it isn’t good news for your future. He needs to do an awful lot of work to demonstrate to them that you are the one he loves. This means them seeing that he prioritises you.

His best friends need to support your relationship, not come between you. At the moment he is allowing them to come between you. He is compartmentalising because of things he has told them during your break-up. He needs to address this.

30mph · 30/07/2021 08:12

Where's the joy and love? It really shouldn't be such emotional hard work. Can you imagine potential decades of this sort of thing? At best, there is a lack of fundamental compatibility. At worst, he isn't good enough to be your husband. Walk away.

AnaViaSalamanca · 30/07/2021 13:04

What @TheNewBlack says.

This woman sounds very manipulative. Nobody would want to go to a romantic holiday destination with a friend hanging on. Guven that she doesn’t like you, I don’t think she approves of the engagement and this holiday os designed to break you up. I wouldn’t br surprised at all if at the last moment a single friend of hers joins in.

He is either quite dim or doesn’t care about you one bit otherwise he would have suggested compromises or begged you to go on the holiday to get to know his best friend and his family better.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7