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Original poster

AIBU to want him to cancel this holiday?

166 replies

AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 19:35

Have been with DP 4 years. We started talking about getting married about 2 years in but he got cold feet and ended the relationship.

I was heartbroken but accepted we were over.

Six months went by with in and off contact then the pandemic hit. He asked if I would bubble with him and though I was very wary, it was such a strange time and I didn’t have family nearby that I could bubble with so I agreed.

We had the most amazing time bubbled together, living together which we hadn’t done before. He proposed about 6 months ago and we are now engaged.

So we’ve been planning the wedding which we’re hoping will be next March.

Last night we were talking about where to go in honeymoon and I said a place I’ve always wanted to go to as the ultimate romantic destination. Then he dropped the bombshell that when we were broken up, he had agreed to go to this destination with his best mate, his wife and their children once Covid allowed.

They haven’t booked it yet but he’s adamant about not letting them down. Part of the issue is that he had agreed to pay half for the air bnb.

But my heart is absolutely set on this as our honeymoon destination and I’ve always dreamed that it would be a once in a lifetime trip with the man I love.

AIBU to want him to cancel his holiday? I am happy to cover what he would have paid to his friend.

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 26/07/2021 20:04

You say it is your dream honeymoon destination, but is it his ? Perhaps he does not view it in the same way . I can’t see he has done anything wrong . He booked it while you were not together and he wants to honour his promise .

Surely there is a compromise somewhere .

bigbaggyeyes · 26/07/2021 20:05

Just because it's a 'once in a lifetime' destination, doesn't mean he can't go twice.

You're not saying him paying for the holiday with his friend doesn't mean he can't afford to go on honeymoon there?

I'd understand you being hurt if him going with his friend meant he couldn't go on honeymoon due to finances, but if the only reason is because he's been there once already seems a poor excuse to ask him to cancel it

There's also nothing stopping you going away for two weeks with a friend as he's used his annual leave up.

AndSoFinally · 26/07/2021 20:09

What's the destination?

Is it Maui?

girlmom21 · 26/07/2021 20:11

So the last time you broke up because he got cold feet and now you're talking about getting married and he can't even sacrifice a holiday that he hasn't booked?

Really?...

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 20:15

@IcedSpice

can't help but wonder, what kind of once in a lifetime place would you go with your friend and their family with??

And why would he pay half when there are 2 other adults there?? They're a bit CF if you ask me

Sounds way off to me too 🤔

It's not even booked it and he is still prioritising his mate over your Honeymoon... Sod that..

I think You were right to end this relationship the first time ... this second time will be way easier 🎉

smugsparkle · 26/07/2021 20:16

why would he want to go on holiday with his mate, mates wife and kids and why would they want him there?
really odd, he should be prioritising his honeymoon with you over a mates family holiday.

Polishtheboards · 26/07/2021 20:18

He’s going to the “ultimate” romantic destination with a couple, the woman of whom doesn’t like you. Hmm.

Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 20:19

Now I’m really confused.

I feel like half the people here are telling me I’m being unreasonable but the other half are pointing me to what is really bothering me.

I think it’s not really about the honeymoon but that I’m still not sure about his commitment

OP posts:
Aprilx · 26/07/2021 20:20

It doesn’t sound right to me to be honest. He split up with you before and it sounds to me like he bubbled with you as other options became suddenly limited. A “once in a lifetime” holiday where he is paying 50% of an Airbnb also sounds peculiar as does going away with a family anyway. When is he planning to fit this trip in anyway if your wedding is going to be in March?

Opentooffers · 26/07/2021 20:20

I'm wondering if he's chucking this spanner in the works with an expectation that you'd be that annoyed that you'd cancel the wedding. Sounds like cold feet yet again. 2 years is about when the honeymoon period of a relationship wavers, I wonder if he proposes when he gets caught up in the thrill of the beginning, then goes off the idea once the shine of the new has worn off. He's perhaps getting ahead of himself by proposing ( and maybe would of been better to have waited longer 2nd time around). Covid isolation is an artificial situation, not a good yardstick to base forever on. I'm surprised you agreed just like that, to move in after what he did before.

ravelston · 26/07/2021 20:21

@AndSoFinally

What's the destination?

Is it Maui?

This was my first thought too @AndSoFinally Grin
todaysdilemma · 26/07/2021 20:21

Unless the holiday has actually been booked, there is no reason he cannot back out. People's plans change for plenty of reasons - what if he had lost his job, or has to covid isolate, or can't afford it with wedding costs. I mean, a honeymoon is more important than a holiday with friends that has NOT been booked! And reasonable friends would completely understand especially given the drama he caused by getting cold feet in the first place!

YANBU. I can understand if things had been booked and couldn't be refunded, but were his friends not going to go on holiday to this place if he couldn't make it? If you had still been together and not broken up, would they not have gone without you two? So it's ridiculous reasoning especially the CF-ery of getting him to pay half, and you not being able to go because the wife doesn't like you.

I would stand firm on this. Given his lack of prioritising you in the first place by getting cold feet, and now refusing to compromise on your very reasonable request that you don't do a 2 week holiday without your fiancee to a place she wants to go on honeymoon, i think he's testing boundaries. He still seems very rigid, and set on things being his way, and so I would treat cautiously. You do not want to marry a man who only seems happy when he can do what he wants, when you have no expectations, not caring about what's best for you.

This should not be an argument. His plans have changed, reasonable friends would accept this, a reasonable man would be happy to make his apologies and go with you instead. If you're going to commit your life, finances, home and loyalty to this man, the least who has already hurt you, the least he can do is prioritise you for his holiday travels.

TSSDNCOP · 26/07/2021 20:22

Depends where it is. My colleague is honeymooning to Florida, apparently it's dead romantic to drop 200 feet at warp speed and then hurtle round in circles for two weeks. I'd see that as a fun place to go with close friends and kids.

If he's sharing a waterfront beach room on an Indonesian atol that's different.

He made the arrangements and doesn't want to renege. I like that in a person frankly.

Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 20:23

When is he planning to fit this trip in anyway if your wedding is going to be in March?

They haven’t booked it yet and that’s half the problem. If we choose this destination, even his mate can’t insist on him going again. That’s part of the reason why DP is torn

OP posts:
Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 20:25

@TTDNCOP

If he's sharing a waterfront beach room on an Indonesian atol that's different.

It’s more along these lines yes

OP posts:
Od130990 · 26/07/2021 20:26

If it's not booked & he's deciding to prioritise a holiday with his mates family over you his future wife, herein lies the problem. Especially when you previously broke up over him getting cold feet.
Why's he paying for half the accommodation when they're 4 of them & only 1 of him? Is it possibly cold feet again?
( our of curiosity is it the Maldives? )

Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 20:26

As in its a well known honeymoon destination. To be honest I was a bit shocked when he told me he was going there with his mate

OP posts:
Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 20:26

( our of curiosity is it the Maldives? )

It is that sort of place yes

OP posts:
Summerbreeze4 · 26/07/2021 20:27

Too many odd things here. His life has moved on so should prioritise and holidays with you now.

Engaged people don’t go away with another family for 2 weeks without their partner.

Why on earth would the other wife want her husbands best friend on their 2 week family holiday?

Why would he be going to a honeymoon destination with a family?

Too many red flags, not a good start to marriage.

2 weeks annual leave, 2 weeks apart, money spent not with you.

You say you’d be happy for him to still pay half, wtf that is crazy, nothing has been booked.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 26/07/2021 20:28

Who is insisting that he goes with them? He needs to do what he wants and that should be go there with you

Summerbreeze4 · 26/07/2021 20:28

And yes why is he paying half when there are 4 of them?

DrDresaid · 26/07/2021 20:30

It's sounds like he's being an arsehole for the sake of it. I'd be worried about committing to him. There will always be something like this cropping up.

harverina · 26/07/2021 20:30

If he goes on this trip with his friends does that mean he can’t afford a honeymoon with you?

WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2021 20:33

People who are in love don't need 'the stuff'.

You need the stuff don't you OP.

There's a whole world out there and you have a lifetime together to explore it. Why get hung up on one place.

Jenjenn · 26/07/2021 20:35

Maldives? Are him and his mate into watersports which the wife and kids wouldn't participate in? Cant think any other reason why he would join a family holiday tbh. As long as he has no issue (has has money, time, ethusiasm) visiting twice, I wouldnt be too put out.