Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to want him to cancel this holiday?

166 replies

AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 19:35

Have been with DP 4 years. We started talking about getting married about 2 years in but he got cold feet and ended the relationship.

I was heartbroken but accepted we were over.

Six months went by with in and off contact then the pandemic hit. He asked if I would bubble with him and though I was very wary, it was such a strange time and I didn’t have family nearby that I could bubble with so I agreed.

We had the most amazing time bubbled together, living together which we hadn’t done before. He proposed about 6 months ago and we are now engaged.

So we’ve been planning the wedding which we’re hoping will be next March.

Last night we were talking about where to go in honeymoon and I said a place I’ve always wanted to go to as the ultimate romantic destination. Then he dropped the bombshell that when we were broken up, he had agreed to go to this destination with his best mate, his wife and their children once Covid allowed.

They haven’t booked it yet but he’s adamant about not letting them down. Part of the issue is that he had agreed to pay half for the air bnb.

But my heart is absolutely set on this as our honeymoon destination and I’ve always dreamed that it would be a once in a lifetime trip with the man I love.

AIBU to want him to cancel his holiday? I am happy to cover what he would have paid to his friend.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 20:37

@WallaceinAnderland

People who are in love don't need 'the stuff'.

You need the stuff don't you OP.

There's a whole world out there and you have a lifetime together to explore it. Why get hung up on one place.

If you'd listened to OP.. you would know it's NOT about STUFF Ffs..

And People who are 'in love' do need stuff.. they don't live in tents in vacant fields.. they have Stuff like Jobs and Homes and Bills just like those who aren't in love.. 🙄

OP I think he has cold feet... he's not marrying you 🌸

Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 20:40

@QueenBee52

You are right. It’s not about the stuff.

OP I think he has cold feet... he's not marrying you

What do you mean?

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 20:41

is he floundering again... you know this guy.. it sounds like he might have cold feet again 🤔

is this a possibility 🌸

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2021 20:43

Do you think you're good enough when there's no one else available but not quite good enough when there are?

I'd be properly annoyed if DH went to Bora Bora without me.

Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 20:44

Oh god yes I think deep down that’s what is really worrying me. Like he’s using this as a reason because he already knows it’s going to be an issue

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2021 20:44

If it's not about the stuff then why so precious about the actual destination that he can't go there twice?

todaysdilemma · 26/07/2021 20:48

@WallaceinAnderland

People who are in love don't need 'the stuff'.

You need the stuff don't you OP.

There's a whole world out there and you have a lifetime together to explore it. Why get hung up on one place.

How does this make sense? Travel is an experience that bonds couples together. And some places do that more than others. And not every place can be visited at any point and at any age, or evoke the same feelings in later life. Who can predict what circumstances will hit in the future? Kids, money, ill health - why on earth should the OP kick her dreams down the road so her fiance can enable another family to have theirs?

OP, are you sure his friends are the ones insisting he doesn't cancel? Or is he using them as an excuse as he knows it will upset you, and you will break off the engagement (or give him an excuse to, saying you're being unreasonable).

PicsInRed · 26/07/2021 20:49

He's lying about the hol, I also think he needed someone to bubble covid with and he's wasting your precious time.

You can do better. Flowers

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 20:51

@AmITheAsshole

Oh god yes I think deep down that’s what is really worrying me. Like he’s using this as a reason because he already knows it’s going to be an issue

Trust your instincts.. you know this holiday fiasco is bullshit .. he's getting cold feet and he's deflecting ...

You need to tell him you want to know if he still wants to get married ... and if he does then he needs to prioritise the Wedding and Honeymoon. If he cannot do this, then you have your answer.... 🌸

WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2021 20:55

Travel is an experience that bonds couples together. And some places do that more than others.

You don't need the full, expensive 'romantic' package experience though do you. Unless you need the stuff.

They do need to discuss finances and plan their future but if I had pre-agreed a holiday with friends I would not expect to cancel it just because my new fiance wanted to go there with me first. Marriage is about so much more than this.

Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 20:56

OP, are you sure his friends are the ones insisting he doesn't cancel? Or is he using them as an excuse as he knows it will upset you, and you will break off the engagement (or give him an excuse to, saying you're being unreasonable).

First of all thank you for “getting it”. I am feeling really confused about it all and I think you may be onto something there. His friends wife has had a long illness and he says he doesn’t want to add to her stresses by disappointing her dream of going to this place. But from my point of view, what’s the problem with offering the money for what would have been his half of the accommodation ( which is still massively less than the flights plus expenses of 2 weeks there with them)

It doesn’t make sense to me. I feel like he is putting his friend and wife’s needs before him, me and us.

I don’t want to admit it yet but maybe you are right that he knows what he is doing and trying to get out of our engagement

OP posts:
TheNewBlack · 26/07/2021 20:57

That’s just odd. If I were the other family I’d fully understand that your DP’s circumstances had changed and would fully expect him to prioritise your wedding plans and honeymoon over their ‘agreement’. It was just a conversation. Nothing booked. No deposit paid.

I assume they can’t afford to go without him otherwise why wouldn’t they just go alone?

Really odd.

YANBU.

Shoxfordian · 26/07/2021 20:58

Have you actually booked the wedding yet? It sounds like he’s already prioritising other people over you.

Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 21:02

I’m feeling really despondent. I think deep down I knew he was going to find something to break us up again

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 26/07/2021 21:07

@WallaceinAnderland This is nonsense. Flight fare alone to places costs considerably more than most people can justify spending twice.

My honeymoon was hiking in Patagonia and traveling down to Ushuaia as I wanted to see the southernmost city in the world. I can assure you it IS an experience, unless you can think of something else that replicates it. And yes, it was too expensive to do a second time, and also not something I would actually enjoy again.

Similarly, my friend's dream was diving in the South Pacific, so she could see coral reefs. She went to Fiji on honeymoon. Again, not something you can replicate diving in Cornwall or even Morocco.

And some couples do want to visit Hawaii or the Seychelles because it is a lush way of life, you don't exactly get in the Canaries - and something only a honeymoon allows you to justify.

And given this is a holiday with friend and his family that the OP has not even been invited on - do we really think it's ok for someone to spend limited annual leave and finances, with someone else's wife/kids while leaving his own behind? To somewhere she really wants to go?

billy1966 · 26/07/2021 21:12

@CassandraTrotter

This would be a red flag for me. Nothing is booked so there is nothing to cancel. And his life has moved on. If he is prioritising a holiday with his mate over his honeymoon with his wife, I would question his motives for marriage:
This.
Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 21:12

@todaysdilemma

You have absolutely 100% said what I wasn’t able to put into words. Thank you

OP posts:
YarnOver · 26/07/2021 21:16

I'm half and half.... And I've read everyone's replies and yours and I'm still half and half.
Half well you can go twice
Half ..his circumstances have now changed so he should go with you.
I think his friend wants him to go to share the money - and I wonder if he doesn't see this?
Maybe his friend has guilt tripped him that he doesn't want his wife to lose out, so he feels he can't back out.

I don't know OP, honestly, but I do know that he's not having a straight up conversation with you about this.... And if you're going to marry someone, you absolutely need to know that you can have straight up , honest conversations with the person you're marrying.
That's my red flag in this situation.....

WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2021 21:18

I get what you are saying but what if he just didn't have the money for a far flung honeymoon or if he had already been on the holiday before they got engaged? They would be in the same position they are not but presumably the OP wouldn't mind. They would focus more on the fact of an actual marriage and a lifetime together. If you can't get over this one obstacles OP, I agree that you should not be marrying him. You two do not have the same expectations at all and it does not bode well.

GrrRightBackAtYou · 26/07/2021 21:22

@AmITheAsshole

OP, are you sure his friends are the ones insisting he doesn't cancel? Or is he using them as an excuse as he knows it will upset you, and you will break off the engagement (or give him an excuse to, saying you're being unreasonable).

First of all thank you for “getting it”. I am feeling really confused about it all and I think you may be onto something there. His friends wife has had a long illness and he says he doesn’t want to add to her stresses by disappointing her dream of going to this place. But from my point of view, what’s the problem with offering the money for what would have been his half of the accommodation ( which is still massively less than the flights plus expenses of 2 weeks there with them)

It doesn’t make sense to me. I feel like he is putting his friend and wife’s needs before him, me and us.

I don’t want to admit it yet but maybe you are right that he knows what he is doing and trying to get out of our engagement

So you wouldn’t judge him as a person then for letting down his friends? I would! Especially now you’ve said she’s had a long illness.
RandomMess · 26/07/2021 21:22

His reaction would be very interesting if you suggested having your wedding out there and you could subsidise their accommodation to attend but not actually holiday together IYSWIM.

You could propose if only to see his reaction.

DGFB · 26/07/2021 21:25

Just go somewhere else!
I find it a bit odd that you would insist on this being the only holiday destination.
Nothing wrong with him going with his friends family

Alieninmybody · 26/07/2021 21:31

Not only is he prioritising his friends over you he's also giving the green light to his friends wife that it's ok for her to continue to be rude towards you.
He's not treating you with respect or showing that you actually matter a lot!

WhiskeyGalore212 · 26/07/2021 21:36

*...I was heartbroken but accepted we were over.

Six months went by with in and off contact then the pandemic hit. He asked if I would bubble with him and though I was very wary, it was such a strange time and I didn’t have family nearby that I could bubble with so I agreed.

We had the most amazing time bubbled together, living together which we hadn’t done before. He proposed about 6 months ago and we are now engaged.

So we’ve been planning the wedding which we’re hoping will be next March.*

Im going to step away from the honeymoon, holiday issue to say that the above is far far far too fast for a couple where one dumped the other 6 months before the pandemic (after a two year relationship).

Especially since the reconciliation/reboot gas taken place during abnormal, vertimitee circumstances.

Personally I have massive doubts about people who dump.othees like this and whether such indifference/ambivalence/lack of commitment/flakiness will rear its head sgain.

You should be engaged this soon abd you shouldn't shouldn't getting married next march. He hasn't proved himself for long enough, avd you having been back together in normal circumstances for long enough.

I'd put the wedding on the back burner for a while.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 26/07/2021 21:39

*vertimitee - I have no idea what is happening with my autocorrect, that was supposed to be "very limited".

Swipe left for the next trending thread