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Original poster

AIBU to want him to cancel this holiday?

166 replies

AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 19:35

Have been with DP 4 years. We started talking about getting married about 2 years in but he got cold feet and ended the relationship.

I was heartbroken but accepted we were over.

Six months went by with in and off contact then the pandemic hit. He asked if I would bubble with him and though I was very wary, it was such a strange time and I didn’t have family nearby that I could bubble with so I agreed.

We had the most amazing time bubbled together, living together which we hadn’t done before. He proposed about 6 months ago and we are now engaged.

So we’ve been planning the wedding which we’re hoping will be next March.

Last night we were talking about where to go in honeymoon and I said a place I’ve always wanted to go to as the ultimate romantic destination. Then he dropped the bombshell that when we were broken up, he had agreed to go to this destination with his best mate, his wife and their children once Covid allowed.

They haven’t booked it yet but he’s adamant about not letting them down. Part of the issue is that he had agreed to pay half for the air bnb.

But my heart is absolutely set on this as our honeymoon destination and I’ve always dreamed that it would be a once in a lifetime trip with the man I love.

AIBU to want him to cancel his holiday? I am happy to cover what he would have paid to his friend.

OP posts:
Faevern · 27/07/2021 20:56

Well said @WallaceinAnderland

QueenBee52 · 27/07/2021 22:11

@WallaceinAnderland

OP do you love him, do you trust him, do you respect him, do you have the same long term goals as him, do you share the same humour, do you admire him, do you consider him your best friend, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him. and does he feels all these things about you too - these are the important things, not some bloody holiday!

well hang on a wee minute.. this guy has form .. she unsure just this past week, because he's called off the engagement once before ...

OP admits herself it's not about 'the holiday' or their honeymoon.. it's about trusting her instincts and getting that niggle he's deflecting and close to calling off the engagement .. yet again 🌸

HollowTalk · 27/07/2021 22:19

I'm really sorry but to me it's as though he thinks you're good enough when he's got nobody else to bubble with, but when it comes down to a hard choice he'd rather go on holiday with his mate and his wife rather than with you.

That's the fact of it, isn't it? He's got a choice: a holiday with them or a holiday with you - same destination. He's choosing to go with them.

Is this a man you're hoping to share finances with? Because I'd be fucked if my money was going anywhere near that holiday.

Is this a man you think is going to put you first? At the first hurdle he's put you behind his mate and his wife.

I don't think this is going to work out at all, OP, and I think he's treated you really badly.

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 28/07/2021 00:23

Somewhere out there is a man desperate to take you anywhere you want to go, just because it will make you happy. But its not him. As for paying for him to cancel! Get some dignity! Are you so desperate to cling on to this flake that you will literally pay to stay! Get rid and this time stay rid.

WallaceinAnderland · 28/07/2021 00:28

well hang on a wee minute.. this guy has form .. she unsure just this past week, because he's called off the engagement once before ...

Well then why the hell is she focussing on a holiday rather than the actual relationship?

QueenBee52 · 28/07/2021 00:38

@WallaceinAnderland

well hang on a wee minute.. this guy has form .. she unsure just this past week, because he's called off the engagement once before ...

Well then why the hell is she focussing on a holiday rather than the actual relationship?

She's not focusing on the Holiday at all ... the Holiday is the catalyst which has opened the door to her fears and is pretty convinced He's ready to call everything off ... again 🌸

SVRT19674 · 28/07/2021 10:16

I think you have had some pretty clever advice on this. The fact that he is supposedly worried about fulfilling the dreams of another woman (dreams she and her own husband can work to fulfill) but is ruthless enough to not give a damn about fulfilling yours...I also think that you are further down the pecking order in his priorities that you thought you were. I would rethink the wedding definitely and also the rest.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 28/07/2021 10:27

It seems to be the done thing on mumsnet to drop your friends once you get in a relationship and anyone wanting to honour a holiday with friends is weird/immature/selfish/full of red flags etc Hmm.

I'd be pretty annoyed too if I'd invited my single mate on my family holiday and they got into a relationship and suddenly dropped me.

Op could you go to a different area of the place/island on your honeymoon. Places like Thailand, Hawaii etc vary a lot depending where you go

YeokensYegg · 28/07/2021 11:22

Was there really a holiday being planned with them or just something he's made up? Have you heard any of the other people mention it?

When did he bring this trip with them up to you?

Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 28/07/2021 15:29

I'd be pretty annoyed too if I'd invited my single mate on my family holiday and they got into a relationship and suddenly dropped me.

That’s really interesting. Why would you be annoyed? Genuine question. I mean I’ve thought about it a lot and I really don’t think I’d be annoyed if it was the other way round. If anything I’d be understanding that he’s not a single man anymore and that his own partner and relationship comes first.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 28/07/2021 15:33

Also he’s not dropping his friendship!

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/07/2021 16:10

I don’t think relationships should always come first. Those that drop friends when a relationship comes along end up very alone when it goes pear shaped as many do. Good friends are worth holding onto and it would be a huge red flag for me if a partner expected me to drop them or not do anything with them I had planned.

QueenBee52 · 28/07/2021 16:13

it's pretty telling that he is prioritising his Mate/Wife/Children and paying his own and half their costs..

over his Wedding/Honeymoon...

maybe it's just me 🤔🤣

LittleMissUnreasonable · 28/07/2021 16:31

I'm with @IceCreamAndCandyfloss 100%

@AmITheAsshole I am just offering an alternative perspective on the situation. I would be annoyed if I thought about my single friend, and thought I would invite them away with us. They agreed and we made plans of where to go, what to do etc, only for them to say 'sorry DPs come back on the scene and she absolutely cannot go anywhere else in the world on honeymoon apart from this one place, so sorry adios'

Maybe annoyed is the wrong word, but I certainly wouldn't factor them into my plans anymore, single or not

QueenBee52 · 28/07/2021 16:34

@LittleMissUnreasonable

I'm with *@IceCreamAndCandyfloss* 100%

@AmITheAsshole I am just offering an alternative perspective on the situation. I would be annoyed if I thought about my single friend, and thought I would invite them away with us. They agreed and we made plans of where to go, what to do etc, only for them to say 'sorry DPs come back on the scene and she absolutely cannot go anywhere else in the world on honeymoon apart from this one place, so sorry adios'

Maybe annoyed is the wrong word, but I certainly wouldn't factor them into my plans anymore, single or not

but we all know this isn't about the Holiday v's Honeymoon...

it's Him getting cold feet again .. 🌸

Anordinarymum · 28/07/2021 16:42

@AmITheAsshole

Now I’m really confused.

I feel like half the people here are telling me I’m being unreasonable but the other half are pointing me to what is really bothering me.

I think it’s not really about the honeymoon but that I’m still not sure about his commitment

The bit I don't get it that he got cold feet after two years? And you still want to marry him now ??
Bookworm20 · 28/07/2021 16:45

I can't see how its letting this family down. Nothings been actually arranged, nothings paid and nothings booked.
His situation has now changed and therfore their holidays plans together have changed. the holiday plans for the holiday that isn't actually booked yet.

He is insisting on not letting them down, but fully prepared to let you down with your dream honeymoon destination, which you can afford to go on if he doesn't go on the 'not yet booked' 'family' holiday with his mate.

I hate to say it, but are you sure its just his mate, his mates wife, their kids and him? Could it be more a situation of when you were separated he agreed to go with his mate, his mates wife and HER Friend? and he still wants to do this. You said his mates wife hates you, so they are hardly going to be bothered about the fact hes back with you if he still goes on this holiday. They probably are not even taking the kids.

It just seems very very odd that he isn't just telling them, sorry I'm now engaged, we hadn't booked it and now I can't go as we are going with my new wife on our honeymoon. I know of no friend on the planet would not understand that.

I really don't know how you can best handle it. In reality it shouldn't even be a question for him to decide to prioritise the honeymoon over his best mates family holiday. You are not being unreasonable here at all. But his actions are not exactly screaming 'you're the most important person to me ever, I want to marry you and make you happy' He seems more concerned about letting his mates wife down.

BraveGoldie · 28/07/2021 17:00

I don't understand the issue. If the wedding is first, then surely just go do it with him, as you would have. If he then wants to go again with his friend then why not?

Or is he saying he doesn't have the money to go twice or doesn't want to go twice, so is effectively refusing to go with you for the honeymoon?

WallaceinAnderland · 28/07/2021 17:23

Nothings been actually arranged, nothings paid and nothings booked.

Well neither is the wedding.

I don't agree that getting engaged means you have to call off arrangements that you made prior to that.

I think OP is being precious about it and focussing on the wrong thing.

Calmdown14 · 28/07/2021 17:36

Nah. Trust your gut here
If the holiday were arranged and booked then I think you'd have to accept it but if there are no dates or prices even attached to this he's hardly letting them down, especially as you said you'd be happy to make a contribution.
You are now a couple. I go away without my partner because I get more annual leave but not on this kind of holiday and not for a fortnight.
Unless he's a teacher or other profession with longer holidays then inevitably it impacts what you can do together.
This is a big test of your relationship but maybe one you need, especially with past history.
Tell him clearly how you feel but make it less about the destination and more about prioritising you as a couple and your future plans. How would he react if you left him for two weeks or is it always you required to be 'cool' with everything and ignore your feelings (big red flag if so)

QueenBee52 · 28/07/2021 17:39

@WallaceinAnderland

Nothings been actually arranged, nothings paid and nothings booked.

Well neither is the wedding.

I don't agree that getting engaged means you have to call off arrangements that you made prior to that.

I think OP is being precious about it and focussing on the wrong thing.

Precious....

about her Wedding and Honeymoon...

well aren't you generous and kind 🌸

WallaceinAnderland · 28/07/2021 17:43

Someone has never heard of a bridezilla Grin

Brewing2stormTea · 28/07/2021 18:21

Get married there ?
Stay some time with his mates, some time on your own

QueenBee52 · 28/07/2021 18:27

@Brewing2stormTea

Get married there ? Stay some time with his mates, some time on your own

it's not mates though.. it's his mate wife and kids... 😳

scoobydoo1971 · 28/07/2021 18:34

You have had some pretty sound advice. Why settle for a man that will always put you second in priority to what he wants to do. When you marry someone, they should be happy to commit to building sand castles in Jaywick if that is what their spouse requests. Forget the wedding and the novelty of being married or getting married. Think long term and ask yourself if you want to spend your life with a man who may continually change his mind about you, and won't even put your needs first for a holiday that isn't booked yet. Run...